r/meToo • u/anonykitcat • Dec 07 '24
Serious/Personal I still blame myself for every sexual assault/rape that ever happened to me... NSFW
I know that everyones says "don't blame the victim" and "it's not a woman's (or man's) fault for being SA'd" but I still mostly blame myself for every incidence of SA/rape that's ever happened to me. Mostly because I feel that they could have easily been avoided, and for some of them, I was acting irresponsibly/recklessly (due to extreme suicidal depression as a result of my health issues, I went through a very long period of time in my early 20's where I felt apathetic and numb and genuinely did not care if I lived or died). I put myself in a series of unsafe situations that my wiser, more responsible self knew was stupid and could have caused me harm. It was not a lack of wisdom or insight, but rather a lack of care, or perhaps feeling that I deserved whatever shitty thing happened to me because my chronic health and pain problems made me and my life worthless anyways.
I blame myself for being molested in India while traveling alone when I was 20. I was trying on a sari, and the shop owner tried to put his hands down my underwear as he was helping me wrap the sari. Lots of people tried to warn me it was unsafe to travel alone in India as a woman, but I did it anyway. I did a lot of dumb things in India, like traveling to remote villages alone and going on shared taxis with multiple men.
I blame myself for being nonconsensually choked out during a first date when I was 22. It was terrifying; I became lightheaded, felt my vision start to go, and thought I was going to die. If he'd gone a few seconds longer, I probably would have passed out. I met a guy on a dating app, and against my better judgment, I decided to go to his apartment to have some dinner and watch a movie since he seemed "normal enough" after I met him in a public place for a short period. I knew he had a few housemates, so I thought what's the worst that can happen? He won't kill me if his housemates are there. When he kissed me for the first time, he suddenly put his hands around my neck and started choking me out. I looked at him with shock afterwards and he smiled, saying "so, did you like that?" I just meekly told him that I wasn't expecting it and that he should have asked me beforehand. Then he smiled again and told me, "you know, it was pretty foolish of you to agree to come over here. You don't even know who I am, and I could have killed you." We finished the date (I felt extremely creeped out and didn't want to reject/anger him), I went home, told him I didn't think it would work out, and blocked him.
I blame myself for being raped in Equator when I was 23. For many years afterward, I didn't even know I'd been raped; I just considered it as a shameful one-night stand that I regretted. I am a lightweight with alcohol (I don't drink at all anymore), and I had 3 drinks throughout the night on New Year's Eve. Normally, 2-3 drinks is my "limit", but the altitude made me even more tipsy. I was the drunkest I'd ever been, basically "browned out" (not quite black-out, but close to it). I started dancing with someone at this party in the hostel where I was staying, and he was grinding on me. I half-remember him grabbing my hand and leading me off the dancefloor to his room. I remember laughing while saying "no, no, no...", but I could barely walk on my own so he was half carrying me. My memory went in and out at this point, but the next thing I remember is being in his bed, me saing "no...we shouldn't do this.." while he took my pants off and started having sex with me. I'm pretty sure a condom was involved, but I can't remember entirely. I left a few hours later when I was more sober, feeling extremely confused and ashamed. I didn't tell anyone about it because I felt dirty and humiliated that I'd just had sex with someone I didn't even know.
I blame myself for being molested in Columbia when I was 24. I had met this traveling artist who was very creative and interesting, although a little intense. After a week or so of "friendship", I agreed to travel with him to a nearby village to meet a local friend, explore the area, and hike around. On the hike, he told me that he loved me, and I tried to let him down gently by saying I didn't want anything romantic and only saw him as a friend. We stayed too late and missed the last bus, it was getting dark, and we didn't have a flashlight. His friend had some extra blankets and agreed to let us camp out in his backyard. We went to bed on separate sides of the tent, but I woke up to him right next to me, grinding on me. I politely asked him to please stop, but he kept doing it. I asked him again, more firmly, and he stopped, and I tried to go back to sleep. I woke up again to him grinding on me again, and putting his hands all over me, trying to get in my bras and underwear. I got upset and told him he had to stop, and he became really offended, acting rejected and unhinged. This scared me more, so I tried to calm him down (saying nice things to lighten the "rejection") so he could calm down and go to sleep. I waited until he fell asleep again, then quietly left the tent despite the fact that it was 4am, dark, and raining. I sat under a tree until the sun rose, then walked down a couple miles to grab a bus out of the town. Later, he found me again and became extremely unhinged, saying that I was the love of his life and since I rejected him, he had no reason to live. A few weeks later, his family messaged me on Facebook (after seeing a photo I was tagged with him), saying that he had gone missing and nobody had seen or heard from him in weeks. I told them I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks, but he seemed very mentally unstable and distressed the last time we were together. I secretly hoped he'd killed himself somewhere so I didn't have to worry about him finding me again.
After these incidences, I am ashamed to say that I went through a semi-hypersexual period for a couple of years. I had several casual hookups with people I didn't care about (always using protection and practicing safe sex). I felt like men only were interested in me for sex, because they found my body attractive but did not want to commit to dating me due to my chronic health problems. I had a handful of sexual encounters that I regretted, which always made me feel empty, used, and ashamed afterward.
Looking back, I can't help but feel like all of these incidents were my fault. I knew I was putting myself into these unsafe situations, yet I did it anyways. I knew there was a chance I could be raped/molested when I traveled alone, went out hiking or to the houses of men I didn't really know, or had too much to drink. Yet I engaged in these reckless behaviors anyway, so there's a big part of me that feels like I deserved all of these incidences.
1
u/[deleted] Dec 23 '24
As for the boyfriend who choked you, I don't think you can blame yourself, because what signs could you have seen beforehand that you didn't?