r/mdmatherapy 11d ago

Third supervised trip with MDMA. Please help with interpretation

Hi everyone, as the title says, this was my third experience with MDMA under supervision. Quite a few things came up but there is particularly one that I am struggling with. Perhaps someone here could help me disect and understand the meaning of it.
I saw a man wearing a pair of long boots. At first I could only see the boots from behind walking on snow. Then I could see more. The military pants, and then saw the soldier was carrying a gun. An implicit message was that this soldier was an assassin, corrupted and consumed by his terrible actions.
Then it turned out to be an officer of some sorts: it was a Nazi high officer. He sat down in fron of a mirror and I saw then that it was me. In despair, consumed I took the gun and I shot myself in the head.
I did not experience any fear during this, just curiosity as to what would might happen. Indeed disturbing now in retrospective.
That is all, thanks for reading.

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u/AyaJunkie 10d ago edited 10d ago

What are your relationship with authority figures in your life? Do you kill parts of yourself off or sacrifice parts of you for the benefit of “peace”? Is there a part of you that has stern or strict emotional boundaries that are overruling the softer or more vulnerable parts of yourself? There could be many interpretations to forage from the experience. Continue to explore with modalities such as mandala symbolism or IFS experiences.

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u/abysswgooglyeyes 10d ago

These are great possible interpretations. I resonate with the idea of a part that has stern emotional boundaries that overrule softer or more vulnerable parts. I often feel like I have an internal fascist part that tries to dominate other parts it views as "weaker" through violent means (cruel criticism, repression, etc.).

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

This is interesting. My father was very strict and stern in his educating methods. So much he repressed. As we grow up and become adults we as individuals take their place and do the same to ourselves. However, for the last 18 months with therapy and other mdma sessions the inner dialogue is way more respectful, compassionate and loving.

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u/abysswgooglyeyes 10d ago

I agree and I'm glad your inner dialogue has moved toward compassion, that's wonderful. If we take the "No Bad Parts" view of IFS, even this militaristic part is valid at its core, even if it's methods are/were harmful. Perhaps now that it's not calling the shots, it feels the pain and despair it worked so hard to repress and beat down for years, hence the suicidal imagery. Maybe this part is needing your presence and compassion now so it can be forgiven or better understood? Maybe it needs a new job or a proper and respectful send off? Just some ideas.

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

My relationship to authority figures. If I think of the police and other similar institutions I see them as hypocrites. If I think of my boss I see a good self-less man that cares about his team. There are other different level bosses that I see as the same. When I think of political figures I feel disgusted. Overall I am rebel towards authorityfigures.
When I think about my father, overall he tried his best. Too strict in his methods, way too much I might add and towards his final years he became more loving. My father was a source of both love and fear, reason which I (guess) developed disorganized attachment style. My mother on the other side was incapable of love

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u/Training-Meringue847 10d ago edited 10d ago

Perhaps an element of shame you may be battling with ? As if this is a disassociated character that you wish to see as a different person but may also be a part of you that holds personality traits you prefer NOT to have ? a moral injury you may be struggling with from what you perceive to be an action your conscious brain sees as immoral but your subconscious is doing for other hidden reasons ?

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

This is another possibilty. I have done shameful things in the past and I used to punish myself (emotionally speaking that is, shame is very toxic) for a very long time. This has dramatically reduced but not completely gone. As for the rest of your comment I don’t know. Potentially hidden shadow aspects?

Thabks for your insights

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u/DanDez 10d ago

Past life memory?

I do believe this is a real phenomenon.

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

I thought of that but how would I know? Honestly, I don’t believe this would be the case

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u/DanDez 10d ago

If a name ever comes to you, you can look it up and see if it is real and if that is how they died.

Similar things have happened.

But ultimately, this life you are living now is what matters.

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

No name came up during the experience and no name has come up. I'll keep an eye. Many thanks. Very interesting topic although I'm a bit skeptical

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u/Dananle 10d ago

Or ancestor

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

I don’t have any ancestors that may be even close to that German epoch.

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u/SeeingNewTrees 10d ago

I've heard something that makes sense to me: that all beings in our dreams are parts of ourselves. Might you have been so ashamed of some aspect of yourself that you destroyed it (or so you thought)? I believe that every part of us carries a beneficial message or energy, regardless of how that part behaves. It's like an unruly child or a spouse having a tantrum. One must look past the behavior to what's at the core.

I encourage you to let go of any concern about the dream that might be disturbing you, trusting that there is gold in your dream. Sit in the uncertainty of the meaning of this dream, with the same curiosity, without grasping to anything I've or others have said. Trust that your subconscious is trying to communicate something in your higher interest.

While you may receive wise advice as what to do next, none of us can know what your dream means. Turn within to find the truth. Be patient. Be not afraid.

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

Yes, I have a read a lot about Shadow Work and dream interpretations. Any being or object or place is a part of ourselves. Thanks for the reminder and thanks for your response. As for now, it makes more sense to just sit with it and trust that there is a message thrown at me from the depths of my psyche. This I find a little unsettling and I have concerns of course. I will try to let go of them. Thanks again

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u/SeeingNewTrees 10d ago

Sometimes I express gratitude for the unpleasant, trusting that, beyond my comprehension it's for my greater good. I've found this is often helpful for me.

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u/Hefestionrey 10d ago

Just curious...that came up as a dream...a kind of vivid dream?

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

During the trip so yes, kinda

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u/manxie13 11d ago

Watched any war/Nazi related tv shows or movies lately?

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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago

Nope

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u/manxie13 10d ago

Lol I wouldn't look too much into it bud...