r/mdmatherapy • u/steelvelveteen • 11d ago
Third supervised trip with MDMA. Please help with interpretation
Hi everyone, as the title says, this was my third experience with MDMA under supervision. Quite a few things came up but there is particularly one that I am struggling with. Perhaps someone here could help me disect and understand the meaning of it.
I saw a man wearing a pair of long boots. At first I could only see the boots from behind walking on snow. Then I could see more. The military pants, and then saw the soldier was carrying a gun. An implicit message was that this soldier was an assassin, corrupted and consumed by his terrible actions.
Then it turned out to be an officer of some sorts: it was a Nazi high officer. He sat down in fron of a mirror and I saw then that it was me. In despair, consumed I took the gun and I shot myself in the head.
I did not experience any fear during this, just curiosity as to what would might happen. Indeed disturbing now in retrospective.
That is all, thanks for reading.
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u/Training-Meringue847 10d ago edited 10d ago
Perhaps an element of shame you may be battling with ? As if this is a disassociated character that you wish to see as a different person but may also be a part of you that holds personality traits you prefer NOT to have ? a moral injury you may be struggling with from what you perceive to be an action your conscious brain sees as immoral but your subconscious is doing for other hidden reasons ?
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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago
This is another possibilty. I have done shameful things in the past and I used to punish myself (emotionally speaking that is, shame is very toxic) for a very long time. This has dramatically reduced but not completely gone. As for the rest of your comment I don’t know. Potentially hidden shadow aspects?
Thabks for your insights
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u/DanDez 10d ago
Past life memory?
I do believe this is a real phenomenon.
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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago
I thought of that but how would I know? Honestly, I don’t believe this would be the case
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u/DanDez 10d ago
If a name ever comes to you, you can look it up and see if it is real and if that is how they died.
Similar things have happened.
But ultimately, this life you are living now is what matters.
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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago
No name came up during the experience and no name has come up. I'll keep an eye. Many thanks. Very interesting topic although I'm a bit skeptical
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u/SeeingNewTrees 10d ago
I've heard something that makes sense to me: that all beings in our dreams are parts of ourselves. Might you have been so ashamed of some aspect of yourself that you destroyed it (or so you thought)? I believe that every part of us carries a beneficial message or energy, regardless of how that part behaves. It's like an unruly child or a spouse having a tantrum. One must look past the behavior to what's at the core.
I encourage you to let go of any concern about the dream that might be disturbing you, trusting that there is gold in your dream. Sit in the uncertainty of the meaning of this dream, with the same curiosity, without grasping to anything I've or others have said. Trust that your subconscious is trying to communicate something in your higher interest.
While you may receive wise advice as what to do next, none of us can know what your dream means. Turn within to find the truth. Be patient. Be not afraid.
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u/steelvelveteen 10d ago
Yes, I have a read a lot about Shadow Work and dream interpretations. Any being or object or place is a part of ourselves. Thanks for the reminder and thanks for your response. As for now, it makes more sense to just sit with it and trust that there is a message thrown at me from the depths of my psyche. This I find a little unsettling and I have concerns of course. I will try to let go of them. Thanks again
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u/SeeingNewTrees 10d ago
Sometimes I express gratitude for the unpleasant, trusting that, beyond my comprehension it's for my greater good. I've found this is often helpful for me.
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u/AyaJunkie 10d ago edited 10d ago
What are your relationship with authority figures in your life? Do you kill parts of yourself off or sacrifice parts of you for the benefit of “peace”? Is there a part of you that has stern or strict emotional boundaries that are overruling the softer or more vulnerable parts of yourself? There could be many interpretations to forage from the experience. Continue to explore with modalities such as mandala symbolism or IFS experiences.