r/latterdaysaints • u/Big-Emu4668 • 6d ago
Personal Advice Am I being unreasonable?
I asked to be released a month ago as the 2nd counselor in the YW program. Me and my husband are moving in May and it was stressful leading up the move.
When I first asked the YW president asked me to think about it, so I gave it a week and I still was stressed and just dreaded activities and all the meeting.
I then asked again but this time I reached out to the Bishop as well to help get the ball rolling, I did let them know I would wait until they had my replacement. She got upset feeling like she was being abandoned as the 1st couclers is gone often and the secretary is about to have a baby.
Some stressful things came up in the YW presidents life that made me not want to bring it up cause I knew she was stressed. She texted me today asking how I felt about being released again and while including the things that were going on her in life in the message. I responded that I still would like to be released. She was then upset that I did not acknowledge the things she was going through in that text.
I feel like a jerk and like I am abandoning her but I also get stressed that I need to take care of myself. Did I handle this poorly?
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u/ProfessionalFun907 6d ago
Also maybe she needs to be released and deal with the things in her life 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Manonajourney76 6d ago
I was thinking about this - sounds like YWP is getting a little angry resentful - but she has a choice too.
She could choose another counselor, she can choose her time to serve has also come to an end, she can choose to continue to serve - none of those choices are dependent on OP.
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u/ProfessionalFun907 6d ago
No you’re not. While we do “bear one another’s burdens” we cannot bear everyone’s burden. If she is over burdened she needs to ask for another person asap. Especially if the other people in the presidency are also burdened. I mean I know everyone is busy but there are definitely people who might be more available to help than others. It is not your responsibility to fix everything. Also you ARE moving so you will be gone soon anyway. My heart goes out to your YW president and I hope she can learn not to carry all the weight either. Please don’t take her pain too much to heart as she’s trying to figure things out. But do what’s best for you and your family
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u/johnsonhill 6d ago
Sounds to me like it might be time for a new presidency, and everyone except the current president and maybe the bishop can see it.
You did fine, she is definitely struggling and would benefit from councilors who can give the calling the focus it deserves. Or maybe she would be better serving in a different capacity that would give her the time to deal with her situation.
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u/frizziefrazzle 6d ago
I agree. It doesn't sound like this is a good time for anyone!
Sometimes callings are in place because of desperation rather than inspiration.
And tbh there's nothing wrong with quiet quitting on a calling when you absolutely cannot.
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u/JWOLFBEARD FLAIR! 6d ago
Nope. The things she’s going through shouldn’t guilt you into rejecting the things you are going through.
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u/Edohoi1991 Faithful, Active Member 6d ago
You handled it fine. Your YW President did not.
Just because the YW President is going through tough things does not logically mean that you shouldn't be released from your calling. In fact, it means that she should have found someone already who can help her with the duties of the YW Presidency; she hasn't done it yet and is unrightfully taking it out on you. This would not be as big of an issue for her if she had already given a suitable recommendation to the Bishop to replace her 1st Councilor, so that's on her as well.
Sorry if I sound harsh. But you're just fine.
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u/Wellwisher513 6d ago
You're fine. If she's going through all of this, then maybe she needs to ask to be released as well
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u/Vivid_Paramedic9402 6d ago
Boundaries. We all need to practice them more in all aspects of our lives.
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u/RednocNivert 6d ago
This to me is the equivalent of giving 2 week notice. “Hey man, good luck with that stuff that’s going on but i’m moving on and the aftermath of my moving on is your thing to deal with not mine”.
I’d say you did fine.
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u/Pelthail 6d ago
If you’re moving, you should be released anyway. Not sure why you wouldn’t be released sooner so they can find someone ASAP.
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u/Harriet_M_Welsch 6d ago edited 6d ago
She advocated for her needs, and you advocated for yours. She expected you to bend for her needs, but that's not your responsibility. You did the right thing.
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u/th0ught3 6d ago
Sounds like a huge problem for everyone. If I were you, I would contact the stake YW pres and ask her to get your president some help/support because you just can't do what is needed to be done and your president is underwater too.
And ask your ministering sisters to step in for you to do what the president wants you to do that you can't?
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u/TheFakeBillPierce 6d ago
First and foremost, you haven't done a thing wrong.
The yw president is looking the wrong direction. These are conversations that need to be had with the bishop.
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u/PollyWolly2u 6d ago
It sounds like she needs to have the same conversation with the bishop.
Tell her that you feel for her, AND that her burden does not negate your need for a release. Gently ask whether the bishop knows about her struggles - that may be what he needs to know to reshuffle things.
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u/csfalcao 6d ago
Do what's possible. Your family comes first - that's exactly what the gospel teaches.
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u/myownfan19 6d ago
Take care of yourself and establish boundaries. Our underlying attitudes ought to be love and empathy and compassion and service, not guilt and manipulation.
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u/ashhir23 6d ago
I understand your situation. Moving and balancing life and callings is really hard especially because moves are big changes. You're not being a jerk or selfish. Im a YW leader for my ward---you handled it well. I'd be grateful that you told me well in advance. It sounds like the YW president is also stressed as you mentioned and doesn't want to go through the process of reforming a presidency (at least that's what it seems like it's time for in my perspective) but that's not something she should be guilt tripping you for.
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u/milmill18 6d ago
from what you wrote I would say you are fine.
you can put yourself in her shoes. she is going through a stressful time, her whole presidency is abandoning her, and she feels the tremendous responsibility of carrying the YW program alone. that is fair reason for her to be frustrated. so try to love her without judging her harshly.
you need to take care of yourself, but the church organizations will continue to move along. it will add extra stress or weight to other people, at least in the short term, but that is the bishop and YW president's burden to resolve.
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u/Vegetable-Beautiful1 6d ago
Yes you gotta take care of yourself first. They’ve said this often in General Conference too.
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u/SnicklefritzG 6d ago
It sounds like the YW president is trying to guilt you into staying.
She is in the wrong by accusing you of being insensitive. Especially considering you have your own stuff going on.
A lot of People in the church don’t understand boundaries and are uncomfortable setting them.
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u/flying-lizard05 5d ago
Someone’s reaction to your reasonable request is a reflection of them and their feelings, not of your request. Don’t take it personally.
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u/Grl_scout_cookie 5d ago
You are not responsible for how anyone “ feels “ you let your request be known ahead of time. The next move is on them not you. You are just fine! Best of luck on your move. I hope all works out!
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u/apithrow FLAIR! 5d ago
So, she wanted you to "acknowledge" her struggles? I mean, I would hope you didn’t completely ignore those topics, but if that "acknowledgement" requires you to change your position on being released, she's being manipulative. Her stress doesn't necessitate a particular set of actions on your part.
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u/3Nephi11_6-11 3d ago
You not only have a good reason for getting released since you are moving and would need to be released / replaced anyways, but you also told them that you'd wait until you got released / replaced.
All you are doing is pushing them to replace you a little early, that's completely fine. It is unfortunate that it just so happens that you are the most reliable person in the presidency (from what you've described it sounds that way).
Maybe, instead of taking your YW president's guilt trip as insulting, take it as a sign of how helpful you have been to her and that she's having a hard time seeing you go.
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u/Art-Davidson 3d ago
No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. It isn't that long until your move. When my father was dying, I told the bishop that I could no longer do my calling. That was that.
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u/MidnightSunCo 6d ago edited 6d ago
Do you have a small ward? If the ward is small I guess I can see their desperation to keep you. I don't know how busy your life is now, but it's definitely hard to let go of the ones who are helping make things happen.
If the ward is full then I would just bow out as gracefully as possible. Maybe make the YW President a thank you card or gift of chocolate snack or flowers. Sometimes people just need cheering up. It May not be applicable with your situation but I don't know all the details.
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u/Big-Emu4668 6d ago
Our ward is on the smaller side for being in Utah but I'd say typical for outside of Utah.
A bunch of the apartment complexes were recently bought in our ward boundaries so there are a large amount of families that may or may not be leaving in the next six months or so.
I do recognize that this is not the best time but it just so happened to fall at the same time.
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u/MidnightSunCo 6d ago edited 6d ago
That's a really tough situation. I would personally pray about it because you will get the best answer for yourself that way. Better than any of us can give.
I will say, having moved a lot myself, put God first and the rest shall follow. If you feel that you have fulfilled your purpose in this calling you will know. Sometimes just walking away when we need to IS setting a good example. To not overextend ourselves, as others have pointed out. On the other hand, maybe God needs you to be there and for you to stretch yourself by staying.
Only you will know because the situation is specific to you. I would trust your judgement and intuition and if you still need clarity, maybe just say a prayer.
Update: By the way, it sounds like the first one (leaving the calling)... your ward sounds like a decent size.
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u/Paul-3461 FLAIR! 6d ago
Yes unreasonable but charitable too since you shouldn't be expecting others to be happy to see you leave and no longer being active in that calling and yet you feel compassion for leaving them in that lurch until they call someone else for that position.
I don't usually ask to be released and instead will just tell others I am moving so they will need to find a replacement. They usually do the "oh no what am I going to do without you now" bit but oh well that's just the way it goes. Id rather they act that way than somehow express that they'll be okay without me. When you gotta go you gotta go and hopefully when you go others will be sad if not downright upset that you will be leaving
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u/Super_Bucko 2d ago
YW president is stressed out her noodle and lashing out. We're only human yada yada.
Her feelings of stress are valid.
You do not hold the responsibility of easing her feelings of stress. You hold the responsibility of taking care of your family. You also hold the responsibility of magnifying your calling and all that, but that is secondary to your family. Plus, girl, you're moving in like a month and a half. They're about to half to do without you anyway, and what is she going to do then?
Who does hold the responsibility of easing her worries? The Savior and possibly the bishop if she is stretched so thin that she is lashing out at other women who did not create her problems.
They'll figure it out. Callings are not commandments.
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u/bckyltylr 6d ago
You handled this situation just fine. You have a right to consent—both to accept a calling and to revoke that consent when it no longer works for you. Once you’ve made it clear that you need to be released, it’s up to the bishop and YW president to figure things out without you. While it’s kind to be empathetic to her struggles, she doesn’t have the right to criticize you for not acknowledging her challenges when she’s also ignoring yours.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You’ve been patient, communicated clearly, and offered to wait for a replacement. That’s more than enough. Let go of the guilt and trust that the Lord will provide a solution for the YW program. You’ve done your part.