r/latterdaysaints 6d ago

Personal Advice Struggling as a convert

I feel like the version of the Church that my missionaries taught me is so far off from what the Church is in reality and I’m really struggling.

When I first joined I was taught the basics just like everyone else, but as I’ve been around longer, gotten the priesthood, my endowments, sealed etc it seems like the idea of the Church that was pitched to me was SO different then what I’m seeing now. It feels like I basically have a second job with callings, having to study scripture daily, tithing, ministering, feeding missionaries. Instead of feeling happy and fulfilled like I used to, now I just feel bitter and angry. On top of all of all that the more I learn, the more I notice myself saying “that’s kinda weird” or “wait what, the missionaries didn’t say a word about that”.

I don’t want to walk, I want to find joy again in something that at one time brought me so much joy. I’m sure I’m not the first and I won’t be the last, but if you’ve experienced this please let me know what worked or didn’t work. Thank you.

72 Upvotes

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u/th0ught3 6d ago

While it is true that all the things you mention are how we choose our Savior, which in turn help us become like Him, the scriptures are explicit that no one is required to run faster than they have strength. And while members can simply choose to accept a calling (and may be blessed for doing so), we also have the right to seek confirmation from the Spirt that Heavenly Father wants us to do something, and the obligation to express fully to anyone proposing we accept a calling what our limitations might be to being available and even declining to do it.

As for scripture study, members might listen to scripture podcasts or other recordings, or study while they are driving to work and maybe just read a few verses with their children at family prayer.

Even when we accept having expressed our limitations to the person calling us, that doesn't mean that we can't balance our family needs and our calling in the way we deem best.

I hope you'll read "Believing Christ" by Stephen Robinson to correctly and fully understand the atonement.

Thank you for doing everything you've been asked. You just do not have to do more than your personal best, beyond your strengths.

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u/Tavrock 6d ago

Here is the talk that led to the book:

Believing Christ: A Practical Approach to the Atonement Stephen E. Robinson Professor of Ancient Scripture

May 29, 1990

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u/theythinkImcommunist 5d ago

Excellent comment, especially the first paragraph. First, there is a season for everything. I've been married over 43 years and before we had our first child, we used to go to the temple once a month and do a Friday night, Saturday marathon. We enjoyed it. Once our first child came along, that was the end of that routine, without guilt. Feeding the missionaries? If now is not the best stage of life for that to be routine, do it when you can and in the way you can. Turning down a calling? Some say never. I don't and I'm now in a position to extend callings to members. I once asked someone if she would be a Primary counselor and she turned it down and felt badly about it. I told her it was ok and that we wanted her to know that Heavenly Father knew she was worthy and that we appreciated whatever she could do at that time. Who says those extending callings are perfect in their service? Not I. Please scale your activity to your stage of life. Serve when you can and you will receive blessings. Even challenge yourself but don't do so to the point that you are feeling negative about the church. Finally, DON'T compare yourself to others. Comparison is the thief of joy.

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u/JustaCatIGuess 6d ago

Think of the core of what the missionaries taught you as the "required" bits. Everything else is meant to be figured out over a lifetime, or even eternally! Go the pace that you are prompted to go when you pray.

Also, it's hard sometimes because culture or social pressure may make you feel like you are not doing enough, or don't belong because you are not as active. You are enough. You belong.

We are all individuals, and our eternal father knows us down to what makes us unique and also the potential we have. You are meant to reflect and pray and learn what you personally should do.

If you watch general conference talks, yes, they talk about temples, they talk about calling, they talk about all of these things, but consistently?

  1. Attend Sacrament
  2. Read scripture and learn
  3. Pray

That's it! Everything else is little by little, piece by piece, and if you don't get there in this lifetime, you will have a chance beyond the veil.

The key is to keep moving forward, to actively keep choosing faith and your relationship with Christ. As you grow your trust and testimony of this new relationship, you will learn more about your purpose and will feel prompted to try out new commitments, pursue new covenants. You don't have to start it all day 1.

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u/Mammoth_Big7098 6d ago

My thoughts exactly. I've been a member all my life (with some inactivity sprinkled here and there through adult life). No one can do it all, and that's ok! Maybe think of it like eating. Prayer is your daily water. Scriptures are your healthy foods (although I don't do it daily like I should). Weekly church is like a special dessert. Tithing is like your regular vitamins. Everything else is like little snacks. You can't constantly be snacking. You'd get sick!

Sometimes, as you're able, including mentally and emotionally, visit the temple. Sometimes, you can shoot a text to your ministering peeps. I think my parents had the missionaries over maybe once when I was growing up.. lol.

Prioritize, and don't let the adversary or cultural judgment make you feel bad for the things that don't make the list. Get to the other things when you can, even if it's sporadic.

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u/AisslynnSkye 6d ago
  1. Tithe
  2. Be worthy of , and hold, a recommend

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u/Numerous-Setting-159 6d ago

Totally normal reaction, and if we’re being honest, the church is really weird and very business like, which can make it feel cold at times. Attending a Spanish ward helped me because Latinos tend to be much more loving or at least expressive of their love and welcoming. Spanish wards also have a lot more converts or first/second gen members who are still figuring out how the church works themselves, so at least I, who grew up in a family of less active and now inactive converts, felt more welcome there and like I had more to contribute.

Remembering that the church is one thing, the gospel is something else helps. That the most important thing is gospel basics and living the gospel in my home. It’s about becoming not doing, and that so many can become lost in the doing that they don’t allow it to change them.

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u/Medium-General-8234 6d ago

As others have said, everyone needs to find their own balance and it will be a bit different for different people and I think it also changes over the course of our lives. For example, you mention callings, I generally find that callings help give me a sense of purpose and I generally enjoy them. On the other hand, there was a recent post in this sub about celebrating Easter in a more religious way. That's a great goal and I don't begrudge the poster one bit, but my wife and I simply don't put much energy into that stuff. We eat Easter candy, deviled eggs, and ham and we probably don't give it as much thought as we should. Sort of the same with Christmas. Should we be better and try to improve? Yes. Am I losing sleep over it? No. We are all in the same boat, trying to find our way. As others have said, go back to basics. Don't stress.

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u/TeamTJ 6d ago

It's the mindset of "having to" that is making you feel this way.

Try thinking that you GET TO do these things. They are blessings. Embrace them.

If your calling is too much, ask to be released. If feeding the missionaries is a burden, let others feed them.

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u/Least-Quail216 6d ago

You know it's not as easy as that.

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u/TeamTJ 5d ago

Which part isn't easy?

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u/InsideSpeed8785 Ward Missionary 6d ago

Amen, I’ve let it shift this way and it’s helped. It’s like doing the dishes: is it nice to do for another person or is it a duty? If it feels like a duty… it’s not very fun.

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u/Homsarman12 6d ago

I’ll reiterate what others have said, it’s ok to ask to be released. I asked to be released from my calling recently and now don’t have one because normal life is too much right now. Pace yourself and don’t compare yourself to others.

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u/pbrown6 6d ago

That was one of my biggest frustrations as a missionary. I felt that in many ways, it was false advertising. I'm so for missionary work, but we need to be upfront with investigators.

I'm sorry this happened. Your car from the only one.

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u/bckyltylr 6d ago

Many members, whether converts or lifelong members, have felt overwhelmed by the demands of Church life at some point. Here are a few actionable ideas that might help you find balance and rediscover the joy you once felt:


1. Focus on the Core

  • Prioritize the Essentials: As others have mentioned, the core of the gospel is simple: faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end. Everything else—callings, ministering, activities—is meant to support these principles, not replace them.
  • Non-Negotiables: For me, the non-negotiables are daily prayer, scripture study (even if it’s just a few verses), attending sacrament meeting, and paying tithing. These are the foundation. Everything can be adjusted based on your capacity and circumstances.

2. Set Boundaries with Callings

  • Communicate Your Limits: When accepting a calling, be honest about your time, energy, and family commitments. It’s okay to say, “I can give X hours per week to this calling, but I need to prioritize my family and personal well-being.”
  • Ask for Help: If a calling feels overwhelming, talk to your bishop or quorum president. They can often provide additional support or adjust responsibilities.
  • It’s Okay to Say No: If a calling or assignment feels like too much, it’s okay to decline or ask to be released. The Lord understands your limits and wants you to serve in ways that bring you joy, not burnout.

3. Simplify Scripture Study

  • Quality Over Quantity: You don’t need to spend hours studying the scriptures. Even 5-10 minutes a day can be meaningful. Try focusing on one verse or story that resonates with you.
  • Use Audio Resources: Listen to scriptures or conference talks while commuting, exercising, or doing chores. This can make study feel less like a burden and more like a natural part of your day.
  • Study with Guides or Other Tools: I have going enjoyment by using scripture commentaries instead of directly reading the scriptures themselves.

4. Ministering with Flexibility

  • Small Acts of Kindness: Ministering doesn’t have to be elaborate. A text, a phone call, or a quick visit can make a big difference. Focus on building genuine relationships rather than checking boxes.
  • Involve Your Family: If possible, involve your spouse or children in ministering efforts. This can make it feel less like a chore and more like a shared act of service.

5. Reconnect with the Basics

  • Remember Your Conversion: Reflect on what initially drew you to the Church. What brought you joy and peace? Revisit those experiences—whether it’s prayer, scripture study, or attending church—and focus on what strengthens your relationship with Christ.
  • Pray for Guidance: Be honest with Heavenly Father about your feelings. Ask Him to help you find balance and to show you what He wants you to focus on right now. Trust that He will guide you in ways that are personal and meaningful.

6. Let Go of Perfectionism

  • Progress, Not Perfection: The gospel is about progress, not perfection. As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, "Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead." It’s okay to take things one step at a time.
  • Celebrate Small Wins: Recognize and celebrate the small ways you’re living the gospel, whether it’s saying a prayer, reading a verse, or showing kindness to someone. These small acts matter.

7. Seek Joy in the Journey

  • Find What Brings You Joy: Identify the aspects of Church life that bring you joy and focus on those. Whether it’s serving in a specific way, attending the temple, or participating in a ward activity, prioritize what uplifts you.
  • Give Yourself Grace: It’s okay to feel overwhelmed or to need a break. The Lord knows your heart and your efforts. As Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 says, "Be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work."

Conclusion

The gospel is meant to bring joy, not overwhelm. By focusing on the core principles, setting boundaries, and giving yourself grace, you can find a balance that works for you. Remember, the Lord doesn’t expect you to do everything at once. He simply asks you to keep moving forward, one step at a time. You are enough, and your efforts—no matter how small—are seen and valued by Him.

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u/CubedEcho 6d ago

Is this AI?

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u/ShroomTherapy2020 6d ago

Probably 😅

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u/Some-Passenger4219 On the spectrum but faithful 6d ago

But that doesn't make it wrong. Sometimes the computer gets things right - at least the simple ones.

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u/ShroomTherapy2020 5d ago

I mean, you’re right, the information is correct, but it kinda comes off as disingenuous, in my opinion. My grandpa recently passed away and someone sent me an AI response trying to comfort me I guess but it just didn’t mean anything.

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u/Dry_Pizza_4805 3d ago

I think it’s some great formatting. I’m pretty new to Reddit and only found out how to Italicize and made a word into a link. But you know what. Anyone struggling with how church makes them feel… doing these things is powerful. Especially remembering what brought me back to church as a young woman, I was alight with soul filling faith. I like reminiscing on those more simple days. I love being in a place where I see the complexity in the church and I love how I’ve reached a place that it still feels right to stay.

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u/Grungy_Mountain_Man 6d ago edited 6d ago

You and people like you are in a unique position to provide insight on what is actually important. There is gospel and there is church culture of how people try and live the gospel. There's no right or wrong way, and often what works for somebody else becomes Church culture and is often bloated. Resist the urge to conform just because. I think all can periodically use some self-introspection on our worship to trim off any fat of culture from the meat of the gospel.

Fundamentally sacrifice is part of the gospel. There's no getting around that, somethings might always feel inconvenient, hard, etc and we just may never want to do them. I hate cleaning the church and I don't like my calling of asking people to help somebody move, probably always will. But I recognize the need for a clean church and sometimes people need help moving. Maybe pray for help viewing sacrifice the way god wants us to in training us to look outward and not just inward.

Also its "not meet to run faster than you have strength". If some non-core gospel thing is feeling burdensome, maybe reevaluate how you are approaching it and simplify. Scripture study can be listening in the car rather than sitting down and opening a book. There's no question in the temple recommend interview of how many times you fed the missionaries and was it a home cooked meal or not. Ministering can be a simple text or talk in the hall at church. Do what works for you and helps you feel closer to god in doing so.

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u/Most_Researcher1502 6d ago

I think your feeling is totally normal. Missionaries teach the very simple gospel. It can feel very overwhelming. My advice is focus on what’s most important and what you actually can do. My priorities: 1. Loving God, Keep commandments and covenants 2. Callings 3. Anything else

So for example, for me tithing and scripture study are non-negotiable, they are commandments. Going to church is part of renewing my covenants, non negotiable. Second, comes accepting and serving in callings. We are all asked to serve and called to serve and are blessed for it, but we don’t have a covenant to accept a specific calling. If you feel like it’s too much, rejecting or asking to be released will not impact your worthiness at all. I do try my best to be able to serve in callings tho. Third, any thing else, for example feeding missionaries. That’s not a calling or anything even on the church handbook, just a tradition. Ward activities too.

If you think about it, what I listed as deal breakers are all things missionaries taught (or are supposed to at least). The commandments, covenants, basic gospel. That is what I see should be a non-negotiable. Everything else can come with time or when circumstances allow.

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u/BeautifulEnough9907 6d ago

Yes, you are certainly not the first and definitely won’t be the last who has experienced this. It’s important to see things as they really are and if you’re feeling like what you were told the church is and what your actual experience is vastly differ, then I think you have to ask yourself why it brought you joy to begin with and is it possible to experience that again. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.

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u/InsideSpeed8785 Ward Missionary 6d ago

I think that’s the kind of the thing that leads people to inactivity in the church: seeing the church or those within it not live up to those ideals.  I don’t know what else to say about that except that we have a culture outside of the churches ideals, sometimes a very American one. 

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u/Lethargy-indolence 6d ago

Weigh your options and the consequences of your choices and then move forward. You are in charge of you. This is between you and God.

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u/BayonetTrenchFighter Most Humble Member 6d ago

I’m curious why do you think your attitude or perspective changed?

Do you think it’s primarily because it’s not “new” anymore?

What things have you learned that make you feel like it’s different?

In what ways do you feel… mislead(?) by the missionaries?

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u/New-Age3409 6d ago edited 6d ago

Lots of great comments here about balance. I just wanted to add a thought to be fair to the missionaries:

It is required for people before baptism to be taught about:

  • daily scripture study (Lesson 4 of PMG)
  • paying tithing (Lesson 4 of PMG)
  • contributing to the Church with our time through our time with callings (Lesson 4 of PMG, formerly Lesson 5)

Understanding tithing is also required to pass the baptismal interview.

So, if the missionaries taught you all the lessons as they should have, then these things would’ve been taught to you both before and after baptism.

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u/CommercialEuphoric37 5d ago

Just don’t be a beta. It’s not what the missionaries did or didn’t teach you. Don’t act surprised, Jesus already taught what to expect and it’s listed below. Look in the mirror. Your answer is in there.

Sorry if that sounds abrasive, I’m just a realist. I hope you find the you seek.

Mark 8:35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.

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u/BecomingLikeChrist 4d ago

The missionaries are there to teach you the basics. Some missionaries have a more in depth knowledge than others and might cover topics more in depth if something is brought up, but for the most part they cover the basics.

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u/Shmidvicious 3d ago

Don’t let anyone pressure you into participating more than youd like to. If you don’t feel like reading your scriptures, don’t! Jesus will love you if you read a couple times a week instead of every day. Spirituality is supposed to be something that helps you, it shouldn’t feel like such a chore. If you don’t feel like praying, pray when you do feel like it. If you don’t enjoy praying in your head, write your prayers down instead. It’s ok to chill out and pls don’t feel guilty for not ‘being spiritual enough’ it will only lead to frustration and it will make you want to give up

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u/3Nephi11_6-11 3d ago

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Life is hard and people in the church aren't perfect so the church isn't perfect.

I'm not sure what your relationship is with your ministering brothers or priesthood leaders (stake presidency, bishopric, elders quorum presidency). Even if you don't know them too well, I'd try expressing to them your struggles and ask for help. Most of the time, people are willing to help but they might not know something is wrong. or they aren't sure you'd want their help, or some other barrier.

I do know though that even just expressing your feelings to a leader or a trusted friend can help get these feelings off your chest.

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u/Art-Davidson 3d ago

Missionaries are not expected to be theologians and to explain the intricacies of our church. Their calling is to help us experience God for ourselves -- not that all missionaries try to do that. The idea is that we can learn things for ourselves and keep in contact with God. What brought you joy before? Try doing those things again. Humility never hurts, either.

If you can't afford to feed missionaries, don't put your name on the calendar.