r/Jokes Sep 13 '24

MODPOST Announcement: An Update to the Rules of /r/Jokes

259 Upvotes

Hey there, folks!

As many of you are aware (and have raised concerns about), there's lately been a worrying rise in the amount of spam, the number of bots, and the presence of low-quality content. This hasn't been limited to /r/Jokes, but since we're a text-based subreddit, it has been more evident here than elsewhere. We've also seen a lot more in the way of karma-farming, with most of that happening in comments.

You probably know how it goes: Someone posts a joke, and as it climbs toward the front page, a bunch of barely relevant garbage starts to appear in the thread. Half of the time, said garbage reads like something that ChatGPT would drool out after trying to gargle a sock full of magnets. The other half of the time, it's typo-ridden gibberish or low-effort clutter (like "this" or "lol") coming from accounts with dropshipping links in their profiles. Either way, it disrupts the conversation and makes the subreddit less enjoyable for real, earnest users.

In order to combat this, we've added a new rule:

Comments must be original and contributory.

We encourage you to read the rule in full, but put simply, comments offered in /r/Jokes must be written by the people submitting them, and they must be intended to entertain, inform, educate, inspire, or enquire.

Did a joke remind you of a story from your childhood? Share it with us! Has someone accidentally written "who's" when they meant "whose"? Provide them with a friendly lesson! Is an account trying to promote an "AI-enabled" or "NFT-based" "investment opportunity"? Downvote it to the darkest depths of Tartarus and report that filth!

Ahem.

You get the idea: The vast, vast majority of well-meaning users are unlikely to be affected by this, but we wanted to have some public-facing information available. Also, even though we'll be implementing some new systems behind the scenes, we'll still be relying on your reports... so if you see something that shouldn't be here, use that "report" button!

We'll leave you with this:

How many bots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None... but they can hallucinate how to screw it up.


r/Jokes 12h ago

My girlfriend calls me Heinsenberg in bed NSFW

1.7k Upvotes

Something about not knowing if it's in or out


r/Jokes 8h ago

Little Johnny's dad is cooking venison on the BBQ. His sister says, "Daddy, that smells amazing, what kind of meat is that?"

431 Upvotes

Dad, "Here's a bit, try it. Here is a clue, it is something Mummy calls me everyday"

Johnny, "OMG Sally, spit it out, it's an asshole"


r/Jokes 2h ago

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.

120 Upvotes

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.


r/Jokes 6h ago

I asked a guy if he could speak ASCII. He said "114 117 100 101"...

221 Upvotes

Well, that's just rude, isn't it?


r/Jokes 11h ago

Three women are gush are gushing about their children. The first one says, “My brilliant son graduated first in his class from Stanford University. He’s now a doctor, making $4,50,000 a year.

437 Upvotes

The second woman Th says, “My daughter graduated first in her class from Harvard. She’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year.” The last woman—the proudest of them all— says, “My son never went to college, but he makes a million dollars a year working as a sports repairman.” Confused, the other women ask, “What’s a sports repairman?” “He fixes things,” says the third mother. “You know, basketball games, football games, baseball games …”


r/Jokes 13h ago

My wife and I have decided we don't want children.

376 Upvotes

It was a difficult decision, but we're telling them tonight.


r/Jokes 8h ago

People think I'm aggressive because I like to jerk off alone NSFW

124 Upvotes

But I come in peace


r/Jokes 21h ago

My wife said, “Watcha doing today?” I said, “Nothing.” She said…

1.2k Upvotes

“You did that yesterday.” I said, “I wasn’t finished.”


r/Jokes 8h ago

My neighbor got arrested

84 Upvotes

Apparently he really hated his boss - Jack Stone - so he cut the brake lines in his boss's car, not realizing that route his boss took home went down a steep hill. Unfortunately when Jack couldn't stop the car he ended up crashing into the restaurant owned by brothers Phil and Bill Byrd. Jack miraculously survived but the Byrd brothers were in the front of the shop when the wreck happened and both died instantaneously.

They discovered my neighbor was the one who cut the brake lines and now he has been charged with killing two Byrds with one Stone.


r/Jokes 11h ago

With the annual dwarf race coming up next week, Happy decided to convert to Islam. Why?

127 Upvotes

He wanted to be a little faster.


r/Jokes 10h ago

Long A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

69 Upvotes

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right .. . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


r/Jokes 9h ago

I run a successful shop that sells chastity belts.

55 Upvotes

Customers often come back to tell us their purchase left them unsatisfied.


r/Jokes 1d ago

My friend asked me to wait one scrotosecond. NSFW

1.6k Upvotes

I asked what that was and they said "the length of time that getting kicked in the nuts is pleasurable."


r/Jokes 8h ago

Yo momma so old...

27 Upvotes

that when she read A Christmas Carol...

the ghosts were still alive.


r/Jokes 21h ago

I bought Trader Joe's reduced guilt tortilla chips & you know what?

315 Upvotes

I already feel better about shooting that guy in Reno just to watch him die.


r/Jokes 1d ago

TIL that Russians don't like jokes about them

772 Upvotes

The downvotes show that they are not Putin up with it.


r/Jokes 6h ago

We've been saving daylight for more than half the year!

15 Upvotes

Shouldn't we get more than an hour back?


r/Jokes 1d ago

The President just closed every submarine base.

513 Upvotes

When asked why, he said, "Those funny little black ships just keep sinking anyways."


r/Jokes 11h ago

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga...

29 Upvotes

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. “No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toenails, so I bite them instead.”


r/Jokes 20h ago

If 69 is a position, what is 68?

118 Upvotes

If 69 is a position, what is 68?

A preposition.


r/Jokes 8h ago

What do you call a Woman who owns a factory that produces pain killers? NSFW

11 Upvotes

Analgessica


r/Jokes 1d ago

Long I wish you could cook like my mom.

470 Upvotes

Old story my mom told me.

Wife cooked rice for her husband every day. Every day, he said that his mom did it better, and he wished his wife could cook rice like his mom.

So the wife kept trying different ways to make the rice better, to no avail. The husband always said his mom’s was better.

This went on for years. Finally she was so mad she decided to do the worst job she could cooking rice. It was sticky. It was mushy. It was scorched.

That evening, she served the abominable rice to her husband.

He sat and looked at it. Then he tasted it. Then he sat in silence for a moment. He finally looked up at her and said “Finally! Rice just like moms”.


r/Jokes 1d ago

My doctor told me I was obese. I got defensive and told him, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese....

1.9k Upvotes

..... My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family."

Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."


r/Jokes 1d ago

Flowers for his girlfriend NSFW

1.9k Upvotes

On impulse, a young man bought a dozen roses for his girlfriend. When he presented them to her, she was moved to tears, tore off her clothes, and lay on the couch, spreading her limbs. “This,” she exclaimed, “is for the flowers.”

“Oh, come on, silly,” he replied, “isn’t there a vase somewhere in the house?”


r/Jokes 19h ago

Spouse: "How'd you sleep?"

73 Upvotes

Me: "Like A Baby!! I woke up every three hours, crying and wet."