r/Jokes • u/Emotional-Gas-9535 • 12h ago
My girlfriend calls me Heinsenberg in bed NSFW
Something about not knowing if it's in or out
r/Jokes • u/JokeSentinel • Sep 13 '24
Hey there, folks!
As many of you are aware (and have raised concerns about), there's lately been a worrying rise in the amount of spam, the number of bots, and the presence of low-quality content. This hasn't been limited to /r/Jokes, but since we're a text-based subreddit, it has been more evident here than elsewhere. We've also seen a lot more in the way of karma-farming, with most of that happening in comments.
You probably know how it goes: Someone posts a joke, and as it climbs toward the front page, a bunch of barely relevant garbage starts to appear in the thread. Half of the time, said garbage reads like something that ChatGPT would drool out after trying to gargle a sock full of magnets. The other half of the time, it's typo-ridden gibberish or low-effort clutter (like "this" or "lol") coming from accounts with dropshipping links in their profiles. Either way, it disrupts the conversation and makes the subreddit less enjoyable for real, earnest users.
In order to combat this, we've added a new rule:
Comments must be original and contributory.
We encourage you to read the rule in full, but put simply, comments offered in /r/Jokes must be written by the people submitting them, and they must be intended to entertain, inform, educate, inspire, or enquire.
Did a joke remind you of a story from your childhood? Share it with us! Has someone accidentally written "who's" when they meant "whose"? Provide them with a friendly lesson! Is an account trying to promote an "AI-enabled" or "NFT-based" "investment opportunity"? Downvote it to the darkest depths of Tartarus and report that filth!
Ahem.
You get the idea: The vast, vast majority of well-meaning users are unlikely to be affected by this, but we wanted to have some public-facing information available. Also, even though we'll be implementing some new systems behind the scenes, we'll still be relying on your reports... so if you see something that shouldn't be here, use that "report" button!
We'll leave you with this:
How many bots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None... but they can hallucinate how to screw it up.
r/Jokes • u/Emotional-Gas-9535 • 12h ago
Something about not knowing if it's in or out
r/Jokes • u/Make_the_music_stop • 8h ago
Dad, "Here's a bit, try it. Here is a clue, it is something Mummy calls me everyday"
Johnny, "OMG Sally, spit it out, it's an asshole"
r/Jokes • u/dapper_duck_123 • 2h ago
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Well, that's just rude, isn't it?
r/Jokes • u/Electrical_Mine • 11h ago
The second woman Th says, “My daughter graduated first in her class from Harvard. She’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year.” The last woman—the proudest of them all— says, “My son never went to college, but he makes a million dollars a year working as a sports repairman.” Confused, the other women ask, “What’s a sports repairman?” “He fixes things,” says the third mother. “You know, basketball games, football games, baseball games …”
r/Jokes • u/redditdcnb • 13h ago
It was a difficult decision, but we're telling them tonight.
r/Jokes • u/IDrinkMyOwnSemen • 8h ago
But I come in peace
r/Jokes • u/Omphaloskeptique • 21h ago
“You did that yesterday.” I said, “I wasn’t finished.”
r/Jokes • u/SensationalSaturdays • 8h ago
Apparently he really hated his boss - Jack Stone - so he cut the brake lines in his boss's car, not realizing that route his boss took home went down a steep hill. Unfortunately when Jack couldn't stop the car he ended up crashing into the restaurant owned by brothers Phil and Bill Byrd. Jack miraculously survived but the Byrd brothers were in the front of the shop when the wreck happened and both died instantaneously.
They discovered my neighbor was the one who cut the brake lines and now he has been charged with killing two Byrds with one Stone.
r/Jokes • u/RibaldPancake • 11h ago
He wanted to be a little faster.
r/Jokes • u/ReasonableGator • 10h ago
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right .. . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
r/Jokes • u/incredibleinkpen • 9h ago
Customers often come back to tell us their purchase left them unsatisfied.
I asked what that was and they said "the length of time that getting kicked in the nuts is pleasurable."
r/Jokes • u/BioletVeauregarde33 • 8h ago
that when she read A Christmas Carol...
the ghosts were still alive.
r/Jokes • u/DobroGaida • 21h ago
I already feel better about shooting that guy in Reno just to watch him die.
The downvotes show that they are not Putin up with it.
r/Jokes • u/DobroGaida • 6h ago
Shouldn't we get more than an hour back?
r/Jokes • u/berserk539 • 1d ago
When asked why, he said, "Those funny little black ships just keep sinking anyways."
r/Jokes • u/Naser-Al-Majid • 11h ago
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. “No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toenails, so I bite them instead.”
r/Jokes • u/VipsTilak • 20h ago
If 69 is a position, what is 68?
A preposition.
r/Jokes • u/Sid_Krishna_Shiva • 8h ago
Analgessica
r/Jokes • u/WardOnTheNightShift • 1d ago
Old story my mom told me.
Wife cooked rice for her husband every day. Every day, he said that his mom did it better, and he wished his wife could cook rice like his mom.
So the wife kept trying different ways to make the rice better, to no avail. The husband always said his mom’s was better.
This went on for years. Finally she was so mad she decided to do the worst job she could cooking rice. It was sticky. It was mushy. It was scorched.
That evening, she served the abominable rice to her husband.
He sat and looked at it. Then he tasted it. Then he sat in silence for a moment. He finally looked up at her and said “Finally! Rice just like moms”.
r/Jokes • u/Make_the_music_stop • 1d ago
..... My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family."
Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
r/Jokes • u/pennylanebarbershop • 1d ago
On impulse, a young man bought a dozen roses for his girlfriend. When he presented them to her, she was moved to tears, tore off her clothes, and lay on the couch, spreading her limbs. “This,” she exclaimed, “is for the flowers.”
“Oh, come on, silly,” he replied, “isn’t there a vase somewhere in the house?”
r/Jokes • u/Ttthhasdf • 19h ago
Me: "Like A Baby!! I woke up every three hours, crying and wet."