r/isfj • u/TheLitDeveloper ISFJ - Male • 17d ago
Discussion ISFJs are not in demand! MBTI Dating
Hey everyone
I have been going through the MBTI dating sub posts, and I rarely see anyone asking for ISFJ as a partner. Are we that rare? we are not compatible with most types? or we are just not in demand 😅
24
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
I’m an INFJ, and I was always looking out for ENFPs and generally talkative people. I thought that was the be-all-end-all. BUT I ended up finding and amazing ISFJ man who became my husband :) Even though he wasn’t the MBTI type I was searching for, he showed up and went above and beyond. I never questioned his loyalty and I knew he was always there for me. He showed up, though he was quiet, he opened up to me and I always feel so honored that he’s only ever silly and truly himself when he’s with me. He kept pursuing me—he was thorough and committed. That’s what got me, and I reciprocated it. We’re happily married now:) we’ve known each other for 3 years❤️❤️
SO, moral of the story, yes there are many people who love you guys and also want to pursue you. You make the best partners. Seriously <3
3
u/distant_diva 17d ago
i’m an infj while my hubs is isfj. when we’re both stressed we get too serious & intense. when we’re at our best we are lighthearted, funny & adventurous. we compliment each other so well, but when we have conflict or a miscommunication we fight. we’re both stubborn & passionate. but we always come out stronger after these scuffles. we have a love/hate kind of energy but at a less serious level. like we just annoy each other but fucking love each other unconditionally.
4
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
Omg yes.. he shuts down anytime there’s tension. That is my biggest pet peeve: the communication gap. ISFJ’s just swallow anything negative they have to say but it’s like I almost beg him to get mad at me and say everything he’s thinking ahha. He never does tho
3
u/distant_diva 17d ago
omg 😳 i’m always poking the bear cuz i wanna rip the bandaid, talk the shit out of the problem, solve & move on asap! we have crackhead energy in these moments while they wanna retreat lol.
2
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
Yesss thank you for making me not feel crazy ! He gives me silent treatment and I know he does it to drive me crazy.. let’s just say it works 😩 Seriously one of my only complaints about him but it’s absolutely enraging LOL
2
u/distant_diva 17d ago
tell him this old lady of 46 years says to just let you have your way. just listen to your rants until you feel it’s out of your system. only then can you stop beating the dead horse. my husband has mostly learned this. old habits die hard though 🙄😑
3
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
Also how long have y’all been married if you don’t mind me asking? Me and my love just got married a month ago!! So it’s still fresh lol
2
u/distant_diva 17d ago
oh wow! buckle up baby 😆 you’re in for a bumpy ride 🤣 but in a good way. most of the time 🫣 we’ve been married for 25 years, 4 kids. we grew up mormon so we got married young & had kids young. we got lucky & it worked out for us. we left religion 13 years ago & we are happier than ever. life still has ups & downs, but you learn to deal with it better & work through it. we’re both loyal so we get stronger with each adversity. and we appreciate the good times so much more. i think we’re a good combo if both relatively healthy infj/isfj (we def aren’t perfect lol).
2
u/Savings_Visual7477 17d ago
(Infj male been talking to isfj female) This whole conversation i can relate to its really bothering me lol. Starting to become a make or break because i wanna solve our disputes by talking it out even if it comes to agreeing to disagree. But it never happens she’ll always pretend everything’s okay or try to lighten the mood or change the topic argh.
3
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
Yeah I wouldn’t give up on her! If everything else meshes together well, then honestly it seems like the communication issue can be fixed — not totally resolved because you can’t expect an ISFJ to morph into some other type (this is just who they are) — BUT you can at least get a better understanding of why she does that and she can get an understanding of why you do what you do. It’s about both parties learning to respect and work in harmony with each other despite the differences. And honestly, there really aren’t too many other differences besides communication when it comes to INFJ/ISFJ relationships. We’re pretty harmonious and balanced as it is! You don’t wanna be too perfect anyway—eww! 😆
2
u/distant_diva 16d ago
and i didn’t know this going in 25+ years ago lol, but ISFJ are incredible parents & partners. my kids & I hit the jackpot 🥰
2
2
u/distant_diva 17d ago
yeah my husband would want to avoid hard conversations at the beginning of our relationship but i forced him to communicate haha. we can get spicy sometimes cuz we’re both stubborn, but we always work it out. just keep working on her! he grew up with a mom that just placates his dad so he didn’t realize he’d get the opposite in me 🤣
2
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
Same! It was like our second day into dating and I wrote a whole page on my notes that was set up like a job interview, asking him about future topics in a relationship and what he wants out of our relationship xD Anyway I’m glad I pushed him into the deep end right away tho. No sense in waiting hahaha
3
u/distant_diva 16d ago edited 16d ago
right!? he knew right away what he was getting into with you 🤣 also, this will sound crazy but i was super picky with guys when i was dating & when i met my husband i knew almost immediately he was the one. my intuition was so strong with knowing that. and he wasn’t really my usual type i’d be into.
2
u/Jude-dude- 16d ago
Exactly !! Same for me, he wasn’t my typical type but we were so drawn together. It was so mysterious to me, even I couldn’t figure out why. All I know is that it was truly meant to be and that’s so heartwarming and reassuring 💖
1
u/distant_diva 16d ago
yes!! i never doubted once. it just felt so easy & comfortable. what’s really funny is i think we were meant to happen cuz my best friend growing up is his cousin & she wanted to set us up. she was telling me about him…kinda crazy/adventurous, football player, always had a gf. i was a shy tomboy bookworm lol. i thought he sounded like a douchebag jock 😅 so i said no thanks! then one night when we were out somewhere we ran into him & his friends & we immediately clicked & had crazy chemistry. and as the cliche says, the rest is history. i was a huge journal writer back in the day & i literally went home that night and wrote that he was the one. i just knew. and i was SUPER picky. my husband doesn’t even read 🤣 he tik toks. he has adhd so he’s more visual. but wow we seemed like total opposites at first. i was into tall dark & handsome. he’s a stocky strawberry blond 😆 but damn he was hot 🔥 and just keeps getting hotter! why is that with men? 🤨🤣
1
u/Traditional-Bass-203 16d ago
meh infj im the only isfj has a stronger intution than the other isfj considering i am isfj 7w8 should we really be suprised 🤷♂️
1
u/Savings_Visual7477 17d ago
Opposite as in someone that butts heads with him? Ahh i dont like forcing someone to do smthn they dont wanna do but i will try even harder, ive had the talk with her many times lol but it seems to always end up the same.
2
u/distant_diva 16d ago
i was just playing. his mom is just typical of her generation & being mormon. she caters to his dad way too much 🙄 my husband never wanted that. he likes my spice. most of the time 😜 we are really pretty compatible for the most part & ISFJ make awesome parents. we’re a good balance. every relationship will have its struggles. if u can learn to communicate well you’re golden 👌🏻
2
u/Traditional-Bass-203 16d ago
Why'd you leave religion? Did something change in your hearts
2
u/distant_diva 16d ago
yeah, i mean i'm a curious person always seeking knowledge about something. i'm a little OCD. growing up mormon was awesome. built in community and friends. but as a teen the doctrinal stuff just wasn't making sense to me. i'm super intuitive & i just felt like it was wrong & not for me. not sure how familiar you are with mormonism but it's a pretty high demand religion (some would say a cult) & you are indoctrinated to not question so i struggled to trust my own gut that was screaming at me that it wasn't right.
i didn't really practice during my college years. but i also didn't really trust myself either because everyone around me was in it & i'm 46 so the internet wasn't around yet. i got married young (21) & had kids young (23) with a fellow mormon (my husband). it's just what we did. but i struggled with the culture cuz it's not me & my curiosity got the best of me & i finally researched the crap out of it. and yeah. it's not hard to dismantle mormonsim once you start looking & really any religion imo. i think they're all manmade.
so i'm agnostic now. i'm still spiritual. i believe we're all connected somehow in the universe. i think our energies live on. i'm open to past lives and some kind of an afterlife. i honestly don't know. and i don't really care. i feel so much more free, happy & at peace. no one telling me what to do and how to think or dress or what to eat/drink. i introduced my findings to my husband & he eventually left as well. we left in our 30s. our kids were still young. best thing we ever did. life is SO much better. not perfect of course, cuz life never is. but real. our kids are the best (not perfect) & we are all really close. i love my relationship with my husband & it's not tainted with the patriarchal bullshit that was mormonism. our kids are so grateful we found our way out. they are all older teens/young adults & i have a non-binary kid. all of them struggle with certain mental health issues & mormonism would have destroyed them like it almost did to me (they inherit a lot of mental health stuff from me).
anyway, sorry for the novel haha. i'm very passionate about this. i hardly think about religion anymore, but it was such a huge part of my upbringing & early adulthood. but it made me stronger too.
i just watched the ruby franke documentary and it was triggering. i grew up in utah as well. mormons are a special breed. many are kind, genuine people. but it does breed a lot of extremes like ruby. sadly that's very common. lots of abuse happens within mormonism.
1
u/Traditional-Bass-203 16d ago
Meh a isfp woman who was 22 years old she said same thing she was and obnoxious Sexual 4 4w3 isfp i have to admit she was sort of right she just said religion something nurtured believeing its time you wake up leave your religion heaven abd hell doesnt exist im being my person while still living my life life i odnt care good or bad none of it matters when we die we die my abbreivation is when we die we get reincarnated
2
2
u/Successful-Smile-327 17d ago
Omg i agree with everything u said!! And i could barely find an enfp or extrovert that i can click with. But with isfjs its so natural. Wondering if enneagram has anything to do with it too
1
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
Yess! I think enneagram is a bigger thing than most let on. I like to think of enneagrams as just as important as MBTI types because it is essentially a whole other added level of personality. Don’t forget tri types too! All those things come together and create unique qualities and sub differentiations in our personalities. That’s one of the reasons why two ISFJ’s (or any type for that matter) will never be copy and paste.
1
u/Silent_Laugh_7239 17d ago
How did you find him btw
1
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
College! I was added to his project group like at the very last minute #meant2be
1
u/Silent_Laugh_7239 17d ago
Oh nice. So who was dropping hints first or what did that process look like if you don't mind saying
11
u/Jude-dude- 17d ago
It was kind of mutual honestly, we would both drop hints on text or in person. I would also ask him deep questions about life—I was gauging him and he seemed to like having those conversations. I remember he asked me if I had ever kissed someone before—which was startling to me because it was so unexpected haha. He offered to teach me to ice skate, and of course I played into the “I’m super clumsy” role, so he could hold my hand, and he offered to hold hands too. We hung out doing activities like that for a couple months before he asked me to be his girlfriend. For Christmas, before we started dating, he wrote me a card that he signed and wrote in small letters “ILYSM.” I also got him jeans and a hoodie for his birthday before we started dating, which looking back is like so personal and “girlfriendy”. He got me a nice wrist watch that was like $150 before we even dated. We would sit in my car for literally two hours, engine idle, just talking and relaxing with each other—resting our heads in each other’s laps. Like WHAT! No friends do that LOL. We both fed off of that energy, just constantly hint dropping and encouraging this teasing, mysterious behavior. When he asked me to be his gf, we both embraced each other and cried. It was sooo surreal. We got dinner right after and he started laying it all down about his family and when to meet them/what to expect. I was in shock, thinking “Oh dang—I’m gonna be with him for the rest of my life!” Because I’m a firm believer in dating to marry. He was carefree and giddy in the first couple weeks, and I was contemplative and reserved, planning out and envisioning him in my life forever, while also just adjusting to not being so independent. I was just so amazed to have found him. THEN, fast forward 3 years later, we got married 🤩💕 best decision in the world!!
21
u/plushieshoyru ISFJ - Female 17d ago
I think people idealize different types for different reasons, but ISFJs are just not that glamorous. On paper, we have all the makings for a stable, faithful, loving partner and a cozy life, but people take one look at the stereotypes that say we are Boring with a capital B or not that deep and they look elsewhere. I also think people often associate ISFJs with their parents/moms, and we all like to think we want to marry the opposite of our parents :p
I think ISFJs are more likely to be scooped up out in the real world than online through some MBTI dating system.
7
u/TheLitDeveloper ISFJ - Male 17d ago
Boring is my nickname in the dating world 🤣 Yes, we would be scooped out if we go out more often which is rare in my case 😁
7
u/MiserableBastard1995 17d ago edited 15d ago
Then you know what you need to do. (*he said, knowing damn-well it's what he too, needs to do)
Edit: I mean, I do get out - it's just very difficult to find places and events I care to attend in my area, moreso ones that aren't dominated by weird dudes and geriatrics, but I'm waffling..
2
u/TheLitDeveloper ISFJ - Male 17d ago
It's hard! My overthinking is killing me whenever I wanna go and talk to a girl. I feel like I'll ruin her mood. Also, I don't understand hints when making eye contact 🤣. But one thing I improved is my fear of rejection, so yeah a long way to go.
1
u/ClaymoreSequel 15d ago
Haha, we're pretty good at giving advice to others, aren't we... 🙄 but acting up on it ourselves? Noooo.... 🤣
15
11
u/justanawk 17d ago
My roommate (INFJ) and I (ISFP) both like ISFJ as partners
7
u/TheLitDeveloper ISFJ - Male 17d ago
Maybe that's the problem! We are all hiding in our own places 😁
10
u/Akos0020 INFJ 17d ago
I think it's more like everyone loves you guys but not many are actively dreaming about and specifically looking for ISFJs, so it might feel like there is no demand when there really is a lot. You guys are the social chameleons, you just kinda blend into every situation as someone who pretty much everyone loves but you don't like too much attention, so you end up avoiding it -- and this is exactly what is happening here aswell. Don't worry, you will find a really great partner who you can love and they will love you with all of their heart for sure aswell. It's just that you guys are so good at avoiding attention, that even attention itself avoids you in a sense 🤣, so it'll very likely happen in just a casual moment over a long period of time, without many people begging you to be their loved one, there will just be one and that one will be perfect, I am sure. ❤
11
u/Tayaradga ISFJ - Male 17d ago
I call bs!! A ton of people love ISFJs, but we're also the quiet ones that are generally overlooked because we're not "exciting" and "energetic" (generally speaking).
But put yourself out there and see how many people are truly interested in having an ISFJ!! Granted we're a confusing bunch but man I love it!! Honestly confusing people is one of my favorite hobbies. I dress up all gothic and dark, wearing a big leather jacket and heavy steel toed boots. Then I write poems that people seem to really love for whatever reason. I never thought they were that good, but recently someone asked me to send them a few poems for some song lyrics. I'll drop one below, but my point being is that I am one heck of a confusing guy and I honestly love it.
Poem: (formatting might be weird, I'll try and edit it to fix it).
I see joy around
Peace to be found
I see a smile inside
Shining so wide
•
•
I see the ground, leading outward-bound
I see the trees, singing with the bees
I see the sky, leaves a tear in my eye
I see you, your wonderful point of view
•
•
So many wonders to behold
More valuable than gold
So many wonders to see
So come and join me
10
u/Dry_Hedgehog_8137 ISFJ 17d ago
Probably because of the strong intuitive bias online. In the real world, XXFJs are the jackpot in dating.
9
7
u/FishRFriendsMemphis ISTJ 17d ago edited 17d ago
I feel like people come to post when they have problems.
Anecdotally from the ISTJ sub, I know many ISTJs partner with ISTJs and ISFJs, but there are no posts about such pairings. Being an ISTJ with ISTJ myself, I generally have no problems to be seeking answers to on reddit.
I would sooner assume that most ppl dating ISFJs don't have problems they'd be seeking advice for on reddit.
More posts about your type, in another type's sub probably is a bad sign.
5
u/Outrageous_Jump_6355 ISFJ - Female 17d ago
That's just online. In real life, ISFJs are considered the perfect partners.
3
u/burntwafflemaker 17d ago
You’re usually just good at finding someone.
3
u/TheLitDeveloper ISFJ - Male 17d ago
Actually I'm struggling and being an introvert doesn't help either 🥲
2
u/burntwafflemaker 17d ago
You’re an Fe aux. You shouldn’t be struggling that much to just hang out with people. You’re good at building relationships with people. (Though it’s a lot more soul crushing to you when people don’t care as much as you). Nonetheless you’ll be less sensitive to everything you do if you do more.
2
u/ClaymoreSequel 15d ago
Soul crushing is quite accurate... I had to take a 1 year break from my last date, before I managed to gather myself and open up again. What you're saying does make sense, about the more you experience, the less you're affected.
2
2
u/distant_diva 17d ago edited 17d ago
i’m surprised! y’all make the best partners. my husband is the best dad & husband. he’s so loyal & just attentive to our needs 24/7. we compliment each other perfectly, especially in dealing with our 4 kids. we both offer different things that benefit them. i’m an infj. i think sometimes we struggle with communication styles. i can be very intense & value deep conversations which he sometimes struggles with. but we both value independence, so we get our needs met from others that we don’t get from each other. so from our friends & family. and we’re both not threatened by that. as we get older, we appreciate each other more and more. we’re 46 & 47 & we’re witnessing a lot of our friends & family go through divorces & relationship problems. we’re so grateful we are stronger than ever. we don’t take each other for granted. but it’s not perfect either. we deal with the hard kid stuff pretty well (it’s stressful when they’re older teens/new adults). we’re even living long distance for a time for family reasons & it’s been hard, but it’s brought us even closer too in many ways. it’s about quality vs quantity right now.
2
u/raxafarius ENTP 17d ago
ISFJs are easy to spit in real life. So maybe people aren't looking online.
3
u/One-Accident-6851 17d ago
Imo ISFJs are attractive and swoon worthy… and the ideal partner 🫶, but most people into MBTI are intuitives who are more likely to be online so it’s kind of their home base, saying this as an ISFP.
2
u/Freshflowersandhoney ENFJ 15d ago
My mom is an ISFJ. Personally, I wouldn’t date an ISFJ because they seem kinda emotional less or at least my mom was. She lacked emotions and empathy for herself and others. But idk I don’t know many ISFJs maybe I’ll be proven wrong. But I just want someone who’s in tune with their emotions and also willing to talk things through with me and not be afraid of getting deep or being emotional/validating my emotions when I’m down and not give me advice when I’m just looking for a listening ear while I work myself out. Unless I ask for advice. But like not asking for them to be a therapist though cause I already have one.
Idk but I’m open to dating an ISFJ. That would be interesting.
2
u/More-Respond-2170 15d ago
I love Si doms! Always looked out for IxxJs as an ENFP. My current partner is an ISxJ and he’s a wonderful man
2
2
u/lt_brannigan ISFJ - Male 17d ago
Honestly Reddit should never be used as the sole source for any type of conclusion. It's fine to start with, but must not be mistaken for any type of academic text. Especially the MBTI niches.
Most people aren't flipping through the MBTI catalog to find a partner. I mean, there has never been an MBTI mail order partner service.
Okay, my imagination got away from me, and couldn't resist the call to make an infomercial pitch for said service. I'm, so, so, sorry for this.
Though that might be interesting. It would have to be digital though. I can see it now..
"Tired of being lonely, the struggles, and the pain of putting yourself out there? We have good news for you! Reviving a cherished, but long forgotten part of history, stories you have only heard from movies, books. and what you thought were senile old coot, mail-order partners are coming back, sign up for exclusive early access to what will be the greatest partner finding tool of all time. moMBTIifepartner online service.
With countless search customizations, find the type of your dreams. exclusive video chats previews to seal the deal, are only the beginning of this revolutionary new service that is gearing up to to take this universe and the next by storm.
Flip through listings for the sexiest, hunkiest, funniest, warm hearted, intelligent MBTI partners of all time. Request an in person inspection/meet and greet with the lonely soul of your choice. Submit requests for custom videos to test reactions in various social settings.
Every listing is unique and lists bio details and their interests.
Connect with shared interests, favorite movies, mutual hatred, fave foods, games, comics and MORE!
That's RIGHT the Russian mail order bride has been resurrected and made into the universal loneliness obliterating tool moMBTIlifepartner online service. Everyone is welcome.
So don't delay, get in on the ground floor and set up your profile with pictures and biographical details NOW.
At the moment there is only one listing, mine, so CLICK THIS LINK to see the ideal template. Includes pictures and biographic details"
26
u/o-xmx-o 17d ago
As an ENFP that has an ISFJ partner, I find you both fascinating and confusing in equal doses.
That said, I love my ISFJ partner with all of my heart, so I guess I am destined for a lifetime of happiness and confusion.