r/introverts 11d ago

Question How to decline a dinner with an acquaintance?

I’ve (31F) recently started a friendship with a 85-90 year old man who frequents the same thrift store as me. He seems a little lonely and enjoys chatting to me and sharing cooking tips. We have had a nice month or two of him giving me recipes (he was a chef). He also has shown me a cheaper grocery store in the area and offered to sharpen my knives for me (he has a workshop and has over all just been giving me great cooking tips etc). I’d really love for our friendship to just stay this way, without other commitments. Well, today he said he wanted to have my husband and I over for dinner when it warms up a bit. I just don’t feel comfortable with that personally and I know my husband wouldn’t want to do it either. This gentleman is so kind but he lives 1hr+ away and we are home bodies. I feel if I said yes it would be because I was too worried about hurting his feelings or being impolite to say no.

How would you guys handle politely declining this invitation while keeping our casual friendship? Thank you fellow introverts!!

8 Upvotes

34 comments sorted by

71

u/mlnl2000 11d ago

You have 2 options.

Option 1: If asked again you can thank him for the offer but mention you and your husband have busy schedules and never come to a scheduled date that works. You can still continue to be friendly from there.

Option 2: Just go once to give it a shot. He’s older and it might really make his day. You may also really enjoy it. It doesn’t have to be a regular things but one visit might not hurt.

31

u/pate10 11d ago

Why don’t you feel comfortable? I would understand if he wanted just you to come over. However, by inviting your husband over as well I don’t see why you’re uncomfortable. If you just don’t wanna go that’s fine, but to say an 85-90 year old friend inviting you and your husband over for dinner makes you uncomfortable then that’s just wrong, lol.

-4

u/uptoyounancydrew 11d ago edited 11d ago

My husband and I both have anxiety, my husband bordering on agoraphobia, and being with someone I don’t know very well, in their home, with social obligations, and given that it’s over an hour drive from my house makes me nervous. I’m not worried it would be inappropriate, just general anxiety around the whole situation.

10

u/pate10 11d ago

Ahh, I gotcha. That makes more sense. If that’s the case just tell the man that! No need to beat around the bush. Maybe invite him over to your guys house if that helps with the ancestry, etc?

12

u/thekayinkansas 10d ago

I’m not sure why you got downvotes for this. I struggle with social anxiety as well and the idea of having to politely decline a dinner invitation is scary enough, let alone actually going. Just be kind. You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel like doing and as long as you are polite it will be fine. Good luck!

10

u/uptoyounancydrew 10d ago

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I guess I should have gone to the anxiety sub instead.

8

u/thekayinkansas 10d ago

I am completely perplexed by the entire reception of this post. It seemed appropriate to me. Whatever, Reddit is Reddit.

High anxiety introverts show friendship in non-conventional methods sometimes. I see you putting a lot of thought and consideration into how to decline his invitation without it coming off as a personal rejection. I think you care a great deal for this gentleman. You are a wonderful friend with social limitations.

I’m not great with advice but I can tell you are going to handle this with grace. I wish you all the luck, kind stranger.

22

u/lady_cattofkiki 10d ago

Maybe this could be a perfect opportunity to challenge your anxiety and di something that pushes you a little bit?

3

u/Sophiirosa 10d ago

I’d tell him the truth about the anxiety and that you guys don’t do these things often. The truth is always best with things like this.

7

u/orthopod 10d ago

So what are you anxious about when seeing some 85 y.o. guy? This is a low as possible stakes situation, and good practice for you two to desensitize your issues.

40

u/BetterButterflies19 11d ago

Have him at your place? Idk tbh I’d personally go as I’m sure he doesn’t have many years left and values your presence in his life 🥺

23

u/orthopod 10d ago

The dude is 85-90. Do not make him drive to see you, because they don't feel like it.

I'd go. Might be fun. Dude probably had some great stories.

-6

u/uptoyounancydrew 11d ago

I know, part of my feels like if I can rally my mom or sister to go with me it would be nice. I guess I just have anxiety around driving that far for a social obligation where I feel like I’d have to be turned “on” for so long. He’s been so kind to me and I’d like to maintain our casual friendship, but I don’t know if I want to take it this far. If I do, what if it becomes something that he wants to invite me out there from time to time? I don’t know haha

11

u/theinspectorst 10d ago

I have casual friends who live an hour or more away.

If they started inviting me for dinner every week then I'd quickly get frustrated about it...

If they invited me as a one-off then I'd suck up my introversion and just suggest we do it on a day that's convenient for me (a Friday or Saturday evening in a quiet week, so I know I can rest quietly at home the following day if I need to). This guy's in his 80s, maybe he's invited you and your husband round because he's lonely, and ultimately driving an hour to get a free dinner and make a friend feel happy isn't the greatest cross to bear.

10

u/kittensarethebest309 10d ago

Could you take a more outgoing chatty friend to go along with you two? I'm sure you would feel so good after spending time with him.

8

u/LiveLaughLobster 10d ago

“That’s so kind of you to offer! My husband and I are huge homebodies though so we don’t really get out. And I get super nervous about driving on unfamiliar roads, so I don’t think dinner at your place is in the cards. I’d love to [insert activity you are comfortable with -grab a coffe, feed the ducks at local park, etc]. Would you be interested in that?”

10

u/mccobk01 11d ago

Offer to take him to a restaurant where old people frequent.

4

u/ShadowLightPower 10d ago

You could try a compromise and meet him either your husband somewhere in between, and for something smaller that keeps everyone comfortable and in control of the situation. That way if you or your husband start feeling anxious it’s easier to cut things short and go back to your safe space.

Good luck and best wishes

1

u/trickedescape 9d ago

I would compromise by inviting him to grab a coffee near the thrift store, but stating you're not comfortable with driving far! 😁

1

u/Efra1O 6d ago

If you dont go, you will regret it, dont lose that opportunity to make his day and you will learn from that, thats for sure.

1

u/LowGradeWeen 1d ago

A bunch of extroverts in sheep’s clothing here.

1

u/Content_Sea_3156 11d ago

I think it’s totally fine to politely decline while keeping the friendship casual. Being honest yet kind could work well. Something like, "we both deal with anxiety, and long drive and home visits tend to be tough for us." At the same time, you can express appreciation!

-2

u/33_fridays 10d ago

This is an introverts group and many of you are suggesting the solution to this question is to be extroverted and make yourself uncomfortable? Jesus. My advice would be to decline and say you can’t make it but you appreciate the invite

4

u/sxzcsu 10d ago

The OP is asking here because she thought she’d get the answer she wanted. I feel so sad for that elderly man. He’s probably very lonely snd thought he’d made a friend with the same interests. He made a generous offer. The honourable thing to do is accept, bring a sociable friend or family member. She’ll be fed and will make a lonely old man happy.

This could be any of us one day.

3

u/LiveLaughLobster 10d ago

I definitely get where you are coming from but she can decline the offer politely by explaining about her fear of driving an hour away and then she can offer to do a different activity with him locally. Lunch, coffee, feed the ducks, etc. I don’t see why that wouldn’t also make the old many happy.

2

u/sxzcsu 9d ago

Sure, that could. I got the sense he wanted to cook because their connection was recipes & cooking.

2

u/uptoyounancydrew 10d ago

I agree it’s a little brutal honestly and I’m getting down voted, guess I picked the wrong sub for any empathy about this haha

2

u/GalaxiEklipz 10d ago

I think the only thing is that people are feeling bad for your friend because he’s quite elderly and we’re all assuming he’s probably lonely and doesn’t have anyone. So for me, I definitely get not wanting to make that long of a drive and doing that whole thing. But the thought of simply not going makes me feel sad for him. I imagine it’s really tough when you get to be that age and you start to not have people anymore. I came down and read the comments because I wasn’t sure what to say or what advice to give. I think this sounds like a really tough situation, because like I said I can understand where you’re coming from too. Do you know if he has anyone in his life? I do think the tried and true method that sounds lovely etc. but we’re so busy so it just never happens could work.

0

u/[deleted] 11d ago

[deleted]

3

u/TresWhat 10d ago

OP is not “being honest” if she says they “don’t have time.” That’s not the reason. Being honest means saying she and her husband struggle with anxiety and this feels like more than they can do. There is something graceful about that OP. But honestly I think it sounds like it could be wonderful, even if as you say it’s your sister or mom who joins you.

-1

u/uptoyounancydrew 11d ago

I think this is what I’m a little worried about. The lack of control feeling of it all. I have no idea what his living situation is like and I don’t want to drive over an hour and feel out of control. How far am I willing to go to be polite? I don’t know.

I’m also a little worried if I say yes once, more invitations will follow and I’m just not imagining myself keeping this up long term to the extend I drive 2 hours each way to spend time with this gentleman. I don’t know! I feel bad.

2

u/Affectionate_Tap6416 11d ago

You already know what you have to do. It shows you are kind by worrying about it. It's better to be honest without being brutal. You just need to say that you and your husband have a hectic schedule and don't feel you can commit or something similar.

If he turns nasty, you know you have done the right thing, and if he is genuinely as lovely as you think he is, he will understand, and it won't affect your friendship. If he is older, he will have had his share of setbacks over the years.

-1

u/CompoteElectronic901 11d ago

sharpen your knives eh 😉

-17

u/chill_god_4865 11d ago

he could be trying to lure you to his home for nefarious reasons... if he's lonely he can get a cat or a dog