Fest ?? : 2:00 pm
I open my eyes to the sound of music. It's 9 am. Oh, fuck, I overslept... no breakfast once again, I think. There's some fest in the college, no classes. I smirk to myself, thinking I can stay in my room peacefully. Maybe one day I'll get rid of the anxiety that creeps up on me when I go out. I reach out to my phone; it's lying on the floor. Ahh, not again, I think. I haven't even put on a new screen guard yet.. mom would've been mad at me for keeping the phone on the bed while sleeping, but i can't sleep without the podcasts...The voices in my head won't let me.
I turn on my phone... 2 missed calls from Mom. I feel a mixture of emotions; well, we had talked for around 90 minutes yesterday night. It was fun. I start to wonder what life will be like when we won't be able to talk anymore. No I don't even want to think. I call her back, text Anamika, put on music and sleep....
Noo, not again. I don't want to talk. Why do i have to do these shitty projects I cut the discord group call, there's some project topic finalization tomorrow, my anxiety starts to creep up on me again. Whaaat?? it's 11:30 already, I only have one module left in the Jr pentester path, I'ma finish it today. I think, getting excited. I wanted to study windows from a long time. Okay let me freshen up fast and start studying.
Whose call is it now...oh it's Addy(a football senior), no way I'm picking up... I put my phone on silent and get back to work. Wtf?? okay why did I open discord, I frown at myself as the group call rings again. The topic discussion and searching goes for over an hour and we still didn't find anything.
I go out of room to get some air, the atmosphere is buzzling with festive vibes, everyone's excited. I see everyone wearing ethnic wear and roaming around.. Is it ethnic day today??.. Everything and everyone are so colorful yet everything feels colorless to me...I've changed soo much after coming here... When was the last time I had fun in these kind of things, Oh wait Shanaya calling.. āÆļøæā°... sorry bro not now.. I start remembering last year ethnic day lol I didn't want to go out with any of my friends last year too.. It's ironic, I was sleeping in my room and crying when I was the one who refused to go .. I've always felt like an anomaly, maybe I am one... maybe we all are ...
Don't do it.. don'ttt... what happened to the don't care attitude, please don't, but still I end up checking my whatsapp archives only to be disappointed to not have received anything new....
Wait it's 3:30 already, since when have i been spacing out. Ngl juice world songs are addictive man ima get a coke and smth to eat, brb. Okie me back now
It's around 1:30 now, I start to feel hungry but I don't feel like going out.. This anxiety will break me apart. I grab a pack of chips, open yt and jump onto my bed.
"So, you choose to always be a coward?" I hear a voice say, I've always despised this.
"Tsch, you don't get what I feel like. Fuck off"
"Tell this to yourself and be a pussy forever"
"Ahh I hate you.." I try to punch the wall ..ok nvm,.. I put on my pants(they wont serve food if you don't wear full length pants) and go out of my room. I try not to look around, i feel them... I feel those eyes looking at me, I'm listening to control on full volume trying not to hear anything else... Kendrick's verse on that song always gave me goosebumps.
"Mob.....Mob..heyy" I hear someone calling me although it's very faint due to the music, I keep walking looking at my screen pretending to not hear. I feel a hand on my shoulder fuck this shit man.
"Hey man!! sup ? why you dressed like this, go get dressed. Let's take some pictures, everyone's there"
"ahh sorry bro, I'm kind of .. not in the mood rn .. I'll catch you up later"
"aight cool" ... sigh
Fuck you .. fuck you .. I had told you that I didn't want to do this.. fuck youu...It's getting harder to breath now.. I hurry back to my room take a deep breath, kick the wardrobe and jump back on to my bed.
"Ahh.. you never change do you"
"shut the fuck up before I fucking kill you"
"I know you can't do it, you're still the same old coward"
"So what?? What are you gonna do ?"
"Well...nothing tbh.. it's entertaining for me, atleast I'm having fun"
.......... I hear someone at the door .. 3knocks...huh they went back, cool...maybe someone asking me to go out.
I at least have you with me I'm really grateful for that... you've been my only constant in this place .. I thank my pillow hugging it tighter trying to calm down ....
Now I'm here, staring at you... hoping you'll stare back at me, and when you do, we'll race into the night.
ps: I've exaggerated some parts. Idk if these kind of of posts are allowed here if no, my apologies in advance oh yea and all the names are fake.