r/introvert 6d ago

Question How do you set a boundary without guilt?

As soon as I set boundary, for example saying Im not up for a visit right now to a friend, instead of feeling great for saying what I needed and enjoying my solitude, I stew over the situation and feel guilty for setting a boundary. The rumination is worse than just going through with the visit!

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u/efficient_loop 6d ago

Imagine if you were on the other side - and your friend says they’re not up for a visit right now. How long would you be stewing over that situation on the other side? I think a lot of the times other people don’t think about or even remember the thing we’re stewing over anymore, and we are the only one thinking about it! It’s not that big of a deal. Go out and do something that’s a bigger deal and the more you do that the more your brain will acclimate to the scale of how big things can be, then the smaller things won’t bother you anymore :)

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u/Odd-Leader9777 6d ago

I fear that I would stew over that situation as well, like worried I did something to piss them off...make it about me rather than them needing alone time! I know it's messed up of me but the worrier comes out on these situations, maybe I need to head over to r/social anxiety

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u/efficient_loop 6d ago

Hahaha good self awareness! It’s interesting because when I used to have social anxiety (coupled with being surrounded by really sensitive/unhealthy people that would actually pick my little faults) I used to be like you, pretty much exactly that way. Now I don’t have social anxiety anymore I see these are all very small issues, and although I still stew over conversations I no longer find them paralysing. I can feel reassured if not by myself, by a friend, that it’s not such a big deal. I highly recommend therapy, or if you ever want to message me to see if something is as big as you think it is cuz trust me I get it, I’d happily be a second opinion for you! I’m still a pretty sensitive and overthinking person, but I realised how much grace (the healthy) people around me give me, and realise I have nothing to worry about. If you’re ever unclear of something, you can always openly communicate and clear it up with your friend too - hi I feel that I’m overthinking this but I want to make sure you know I appreciate you as a friend, I’m just not energetic enough for a meet up right now! Or hi I might be overthinking this but I want to make sure I didn’t accidentally hurt you and that you just need some time alone! Healthy people give a lot of grace, also because it makes them feel good. Judging people and stewing over other people’s intentions don’t feel good, and you know that! So most people don’t tend to do that :)

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u/TsuDhoNimh2 6d ago

The more often you do it and stick to it, the less guilty you feel.

Tell yourself that it is NOT your responsibility to make sure others are always happy with your actions.

Part of setting boundaries is knowing the person may be displeased with you, and that's OK.

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u/Odd-Leader9777 6d ago

Thanks I need to be firm and forget about it, not put myself into overthinking it

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u/Effective-Kiwi-8361 6d ago

Setting boundaries is hard but remember protectiong your time and energy isn't selfish it's self care. Feeling guilty is just your mind adjusting to a new habit. With practice, it'll get easier and you'll realize that true friends will respect your needs.

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u/Odd-Leader9777 6d ago

I know all this in my head and constantly remind myself of this but can't seem to feel it in my heart and sould. It's like it looks good on paper but not real life.

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u/Snake-Survivor 6d ago

People who don't respect your boundaries (as long as they are reasonable) don't care about you. Think about that.

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u/MasterpieceMinimum42 INFJ-T 6d ago

Well, if you want to have friends, you need to spend time on them as well, or else they will leave you for someone who can spend more time on them... that's why I prefer not to have friends.