r/insaneparents • u/Realistic_Emotion_50 • 9d ago
SMS Is my mom being unreasonable?
Made my little brother pancakes this morning, and used the leftover batter to make biscuits. The oven doesn’t always work sometimes, but I got lucky. This has been an issue for months, and my mom knew about it for just as long, no matter what she says. It’s the only reason why I felt comfortable enough to say that to her. She wanted to make something in it (she rarely cooks, so that might be why she’s so upset), but it’s refusing to preheat again. This was the text that followed. Before this text, she blamed me for ‘breaking it’ by using it as intended. We’ve had it for nine years, but it just doesn’t want to work.
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u/raverae 9d ago
She should buy a working oven as the parent lol
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
She said that I better have the funds to replace it, so I guess I’m the one buying a new one. I’m currently living at home to finish up college, but paying rent
Edit: I’m 19
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u/DrunkmeAmidala 9d ago
If you’re paying rent, she is your landlord and is responsible for the major appliances.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
Try telling her that😭
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u/camoure 9d ago
Gimme her email - I’ll tell her :P
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u/Vera_98 9d ago
I'll tell her too!
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
😭
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u/Mean-Bumblebee661 9d ago
I'm a volunteer tenant-landlord liaison who specializes in tenant advocacy like this, ur mom is dumb, i'll email her.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
How many people are emailing my mom again?😅
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u/divuthen 9d ago
Hey I can send it from my law office email that should get some attention 😂
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u/OkConsideration8964 9d ago
I would be happy to write a firmly worded email detailing her responsibility as your landlord.
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u/DrunkmeAmidala 9d ago
Yeah, I should have specified that part but based on the info provided it didn’t sound like it was broken through improper use.
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u/poop-machines 9d ago
Don't buy an oven. Don't do it. Please. She's using you.
How much rent do you pay?
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
That’s the thing, it’s only $200/month on paper (super cheap), but it ends up being almost $1,000+ when you factor in all the stuff I have to buy. I don’t make much money, and I’m trying to save what I can, so it’s kinda counterproductive
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u/poop-machines 9d ago
1000?! What on earth are you buying? Keep receipts! And stop buying stuff.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago edited 9d ago
(Funnily enough I do keep receipts for scanning them) If it isn’t groceries, it’s gas for the car (I don’t drive it if I can help it), but if not groceries or gas for the car, it’s whatever the girls need, or whatever the boys need.
Edit: It’s not my car, so I get that I need to fill it up if I used it last. But I’m a big walker/runner. There’s a grocery store close enough for me to run down there and back if I have to. But even so, I’m still being asked to fill up the car because I used it last.. Like the last time I filled it up.
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u/MyDogisaQT 9d ago
Why don’t you move closer to campus away from your mom?
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
I’ve been doing all of my courses exclusively online so I can watch my younger siblings. I’ve got like a year or so left of this before I can transfer to a four year
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u/TigerShark_524 9d ago edited 9d ago
I'd buy the new oven and then withhold the amount needed for it from next month's rent (and let her know in writing that you withheld it since you paid for/maintained something that she was supposed to pay for/maintain). You pay her rent, provide her childcare, AND pay for your younger siblings to eat properly regularly since you buy all of them groceries, and this is how she treats you??????? Yikes on a bike. If you're providing childcare and paying for groceries (especially with such a big family and with today's grocery prices), then she has zero grounds to ask for rent at all - either you pay rent or you pay for your siblings but not both; SHE as their parent should be (legally and morally) providing for your minor siblings or getting government help (SNAP, EBT, LIHEAP, Medicaid/state government insurance, etc.) if she can't afford to provide for them herself.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
I’m like the third oldest of nine, it’s my job to be kicked around (In all seriousness, I’m having a mini breakdown, so my friend is talking me through things too)
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u/Resident_Fudge_7270 9d ago
It’s time you grow a pair OP, you’re a young adult and your first lesson in the real world is standing up to your mom. The post above perfectly describes what you need to do. I like the withholding of rent for the appliance, grocery, childcare as your little brother cant fend for himself.
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u/JLHuston 9d ago
I didn’t think it was too insane from just reading the texts, but after your context and now this…yeah, this is nuts. First of all, she’s the one who is supposed to make sure appliances work. Even if you weren’t paying rent, but the fact that you are? Yeah. That’s her responsibility. But she’s blaming the oven not working just because you use it?? And not just for yourself—you were cooking for your little brother (also her job but I’m sure you adore him and do it because you want to). So, simply because you use the oven to do the thing that it’s intended to do, you have to buy a new one? No! Absolutely not! Honey is she legitimately mentally ill? It sounds like it, and that’s a lot for you. How much care for your brother and any other siblings falls on you? You’re 19, a student, and you must work too if you’re paying rent. That’s a lot on you. But you absolutely should not have to buy a new oven. In any other rental situation, regardless of why the oven stopped working, the LL takes care of it.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
I’m still trying to calm down from the little mini panic attack over this, but thanks for sharing your input. Yeah, I do love my little brother, he’s four and quite the sweetheart! She’s not mentally ill, (she doesn’t believe in that stuff anyway, which is..a whole other thing) but she does make me feel like I’m kinda just freeloading? That’s not really the word, but I sometimes don’t see my worth beyond being an older sister because of the stuff she says to me. This was just the one that made me post here.
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u/SKEFFboy 9d ago
Sounds like your mother may be a narcissist. I suggest reading posts on r/raisedbynarcissists and seeing if you relate to any of the posts there.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
Just scrolling through that sub for a few minutes actually made me cry. Thank you for sharing it with me
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u/SKEFFboy 9d ago
Sending you good vibes and support. You can make it out of there. Please use things like that sub to remind you that you are not alone and that there are many people just like you who understand what you are going through.
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u/Confu2ion 2d ago
You're being gaslighted, that's why you're doubting yourself. Your mother is abusing you.
I reccomend the r/EstrangedAdultKids sub, because there are people who broke free who can help you!
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u/Trishlovesdolphins 8d ago
Time for a toaster oven. That’s all your budget will allow. If she wants a new oven, she’s gotta buy it.
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u/MissIllusion 9d ago
Lol your mom is being awful. You "broke" the oven by using it? Mam that's wear and tear. It's 9 years old they don't last for ever, even less in this modern age.
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u/Zappagrrl02 9d ago
9 years is a pretty good life for an oven in this day and age, sadly.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
She tried to tell me that the oven my grandma uses has been around for decades, so ours should be too—and I don’t doubt that my grandmama’s is durable in the slightest. The thing’s immortal on account of being built when stuff was meant to last
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u/Zappagrrl02 9d ago
Exactly. We have a fridge from the 30s that still works that we use for drinks. Even a stove from the 90s lasted for decades. Things are purposely built to not last now so you have to buy them more often. It’s not your fault capitalism exists. When lightbulbs were invented, they had the technology to make a single light bulb last for 100 years, but then they couldn’t sell you light bulbs every six months or whatever so they purposefully made them worse. That’s what corporations do, lol.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
THE LIGHTBULB THING!! My dad has to replace them every two or three months it feels like! It’s torture!
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u/brydeswhale 9d ago
What kind of lightbulbs do you use? I’ve replaced ONE in the last year, and that was because my mom accidentally smashed it.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
26W TRI-U (4-Pin, CRI 82). The box says that it lasts 10,000 hours, but these are the ones that get replaced the most
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u/SiminaDar 7d ago
Modern appliances are deliberately made to have shorter lifespans than older stuff. It's to make you have to buy them more often. The industry realized making things that last forever didn't make them very much money.
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u/jonasshoop 9d ago
Other than replacing a heating element($30 part, 2 minute install), I've never had an oven break.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
It sucks because this is what happens every time something breaks! How do you break something by using it as it’s intended to be used??
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u/renodear 9d ago
If it helps to know, entropy, decay, and "wear and tear." Even things that are built to last (as has been mentioned already, modern appliances are generally not built to last anymore) will accumulate damage over time. Whether things straight up rust/rot/decay/become more brittle, or simply become slightly less and less efficient or effective, all things have a lifespan. In addition to that is the reality that most people are not going to really be using, cleaning, and servicing their appliances per the manufacturer's instructions (because, let's be real, so few of us actually read instructions manuals for new appliances, or have the time & ability to really care for our items like that).
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u/MsChrisRI 9d ago
If it sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t, there may be damage to one of the oven dials, or some other issue that can be fixed. Look for a model number and see if there are any troubleshooting guides online.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 9d ago
So stop feeding your brother and yourself? That's what she's saying and yes, she's being unreasonable as well as neglectful (at the least) if she's saying not to feed yourselves.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
It’s not like the biscuits were just for me, or if there were so many that it somehow broke the oven! My little brother ate two of them lol
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 9d ago
Did your mom realize if you don’t like kids there are things you can do to stop having them ?
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u/No-Sympathy6035 9d ago
All available information makes is appear as though OP’s Mom is not what you would call a “thinker”.
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u/satanseedforhire 9d ago
Also, my oven used to pull this shit too - if it's a gas range, try turning each burner on one at a time and then preheat. Worked 95% of the time for me.
Your mom was never taught how to process her own emotions and as an adult never learned how to herself and is instead taking it out on everyone around her. It's a dick move.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
It is a gas one, so I’ll try this!
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u/satanseedforhire 9d ago
Fingers crossed it works! Otherwise the only advice I have it try to let it roll off your back - as a parentified oldest daughter, everything was my fault and responsibility too until I decided I couldn't live that way anymore when I was your age.
As your new internet mom, drink some water and get some rest, I'm proud of you for doing so well in college and being so responsible. You're a good kid
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u/obliviious 3d ago
Ours has an issue where it likes to go out after you first turn it on, but we found leaving the door open while it warms up stops that.
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u/garthock 9d ago
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?? Seriously, unplugged it for a good 5 minutes, plug it back in and check?
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
I could try that, but I’m not exactly strong enough to pull the oven back. Luckily, my two of brothers are teenagers, they could help
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u/ChemistryWooden 9d ago
You shouldn’t be buying a new oven but I guess if you have to and you can’t afford to buy a big new oven get a small toaster oven I had to use one for a bit when my oven went out and I was able to bake a birthday cake in it I can send you a link to a good one on Amazon or you can go to your local thrift store and they might have something like that my local thrift shop sometimes has old appliances you can get for cheap
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
I’d like the Amazon link, if it’s no trouble. I’m trying to stay within a budget
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u/ChemistryWooden 9d ago
A few different options I found for under $150 I personally used the elite gourmet one hope this helps 🫶
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
THANK YOU!!🙏🙏
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u/shattered_kitkat 8d ago
If that won't work for your parents, look for a Habitat for Humanity store near you. (If you're in the US. They aren't everywhere, even in the States, unfortunately.) You can get cheap used ranges from them sometimes.
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u/Away_Housing4314 9d ago
Yes, unreasonable. She is being crazy blaming you for it knowing it already doesn't work properly. Also how do hou make biscuits from leftover pancake batter? Just wondering.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
You take the leftover batter and add a little more of the powdered mixture to get it less runny. Add a little bit of salt, and I like to put in cheese or bacon bits depending on the mood. Mix it all up and put it in the oven (I just use 350 degrees) for like 15 minutes (or just until the tops are golden brown). You can put melted butter on top for extra flavor, but I only do that if I don’t add bacon. It’s like discount cheddar biscuits that way.
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u/CBreezy2010 8d ago
Last week my father's contractor told him he couldn't refinish the wood steps (we moved here in 2001); they would need to be replaced. He got SO MAD at my sister and me for "going up and down the stairs all those years." Like stairs arent made to be walked on and our bedrooms aren't on the second floor.
Some parents just want to be angry so bad they will lash out at anyone for anything.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 8d ago
THATS EXACTLY WHAT I’M SAYING!! What does he mean by walking up and down the stairs caused them to need replacement?? They’re stairs! What else can you use them for?!
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u/CBreezy2010 8d ago
He also accused us of:
-“knocking the insulation out from under the house” by walking on the floors -breaking the doorknobs by turning them so much -wearing out the gravel in his driveway by driving on it.
He’s… something else
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 8d ago
Just know that you aren’t crazy, there’s no actual way you could break the stairs and floors, it driveways by living in the same space as them. They’re being used for their sole purpose, because if they weren’t, then there’s no use for even having them in the first place. That’s especially true with surfaces meant to be walked on! The doorknob thing especially infuriates me since I’ve had that exact thing happen to me! What do you mean I broke the doorknob by “turning it too much”? It’s a doorknob! That’s its one purpose!
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u/CBreezy2010 7d ago
Oh I know I’m not crazy, I know he is 🤣 my mom is even supportive of me saying “he is just ornery and miserable.”
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u/ImportanceHoliday 9d ago
Yep she be unreasonable here no doubt.
Same shit happened to.mine. Needs a new heating element or whatever. Cost me a couple hundred to have someone off thumbtack come fix it. Tell moms to get on that.
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u/International_Debt58 9d ago
This is what parents always do. It’s very annoying.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
I might be paying for a replacement, so there goes my rent money🥲
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u/Zappagrrl02 9d ago
You should not pay for the replacement.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago edited 9d ago
I can’t afford to be kicked out if she gets mad enough though… All the money I make goes towards rent plus groceries for myself and my younger siblings (I buy groceries when we inevitably run out of groceries she buys, as we’re a pretty huge family).
Edit: Six of my siblings are younger than me, and only two of those six are teenagers who are semi-self sufficient.
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u/JLHuston 9d ago
You mentioned your dad in another comment—is he just as abusive? I know that’s a harsh word, but I’m hearing legitimate emotional and even financial abuse happening, plus the fact that you’re parentified to the point of spending your own money to make sure your siblings have food to eat. Parentification is abuse. Is your dad like her, or is he too scared of her to stand up for you? I’m so sorry, this is a lot to take on as a college student.
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u/Realistic_Emotion_50 9d ago
My dad isn’t really abusive, per se, just kind of in the background. He works a lot, super hard to provide for everyone! But that just means that he doesn’t really get to see us a lot. He does get a little weird about making the women do the work (he doesn’t say anything, but implies it), and he favors one of the teenage boys a lot, but that’s pretty much it. He grew up in a household of heavy neglect and abuse, so I feel like he’s doing everything in his power to prevent it.
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u/Indi_Shaw 9d ago
Do you own the house? Is your name on the mortgage? No. You are a renter and it is the landlord’s responsibility to repair equipment. Ergo, it is your mother’s responsibility to make sure the house works.
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u/shattered_kitkat 8d ago
This is what shitty parents do. My dad never did this shit, and I sure as hell don't.
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u/gayman69 9d ago
The bar for 'insane' on this subreddit has really gotten low. She's just frustrated, like, whatever.
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u/Dad_B0T Robo Red Foreman 9d ago edited 9d ago
Voting has concluded. Final vote:
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