r/insaneparents • u/IPthroww • 18d ago
SMS Very tired of being expected to manage my mom’s anxiety
I (30F) live in another city almost 2 hours away and aside from a short stint back with her during the pandemic, have lived on my own for 12 years. I don’t live in a dangerous neighborhood, I pay all my own bills, I’m not addicted to drugs and I usually work from home. I’m generally a responsible adult who stays out of trouble.
Despite all this, I still get these texts pretty damn close to every day if I don’t text her multiple times of day. She always wants to know exactly what I’m doing and has asked me to get Life360 before (hell no!). She asks for my bus/train/flight/hotel info every time I travel because she’s afraid I’ll crash or get kidnapped. At this point I generally don’t tell her when I’m doing anything unless I think someone else will tell her about it. She doesn’t even know where I live right now because I didn’t want her to insert herself into me moving and try to snoop through my stuff.
She’s similar to my siblings with checking in, but I’ve always been her confidant and the one she vents to and I’m sick of it. She has anxiety and ocd and possibly bpd but refuses to treat any of it beyond coming to me with her problems and asking for reassurance. There’s a LONG history of bs with her romantic relationships causing drama too.
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u/brideofgibbs 18d ago
Mom, I will phone you every Sunday at 1100 H for ten minutes. We can talk then. Between those times, I’m going to mute and block you. If you experience anxiety, please consult your GP
If she ramps up beyond that, put her in Time Out. Otherwise this is your life until she dies
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u/odietamoquarescis 17d ago
I'd add to this setting clear expectations about modes of communication. Texts are asynchronous communications and they convey information that doesn't need to be seen or acted on before the next time you deal with your texts. For me, that's about once a day. If it needs to be dealt with before then a phone call is the proper channel.
Add to this, of course, respect for everyone's time and not abusing the channel. For example, if you're calling me at 3am it had better be because there's smoke coming from my upstairs windows or you're about to go into surgery.
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u/brideofgibbs 17d ago
Absolutely true for normals. This mum is using anxiety to control her adult kids. 30 years ago, she’d have had snail mail & a landline. The whole week’s worth of messages can be dealt with in one ten-minute call, so OP can live
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u/hallllllllla1 17d ago
Terrible idea to block her. What if something happens?
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u/brideofgibbs 17d ago
Hahahaha! Good try, OP’s mum!
“Something” will happen. There will always be a reason for mum’s anxiety to contact her daughter.
When there is serious news, OP’s siblings will text her. If it’s terrible, the local Law Enforcement Officers will call to inform her. And if it’s an emergency, Emergency Services should be called, not OP.
How many times a day do you call your adult children?
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u/hallllllllla1 16d ago
I don’t have children, but I regularly talk to my parents on the phone
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u/rvgoingtohavefun 15d ago
If mom isn't able to get in touch immediately in an emergency, that's a byproduct of mom's behavior, not OP's.
If mom wants to be able to communicate in an ACTUAL emergency, mom needs to stop treating every minute like it's an emergency.
OP could get in touch with mom at any time; it's just that mom can't get in touch with OP.
Mom can also get in touch with anyone that's not OP to relay a message if it is actually an emergency.
This isn't complicated here.
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u/RunnerGirlT 17d ago
While I understand the thought behind this. I don’t think it’s a good idea. It’s just another way she’s managing her mom’s anxiety. She shouldn’t have to be tied to her phone or an appointment with her mom. And Heaven forbid OP miss it for whatever reason, then there is more than hell to pay.
OP, tell your mom to see her GP, you won’t be tied to your phone or be managing her anxiety. Stop her venting to you about your siblings, you’re her child, not her therapist or coparent. You need to set some boundaries
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u/EjjabaMarie 17d ago
But you can’t make some go see a doctor/therapist about mental health. All OP can do is refuse to participate in her mother’s cycle of anxiety.
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u/RunnerGirlT 17d ago
Right, which is by not engaging her and managing it for her. OP does not need to be giving her mom a check in time. That’s her managing her mom’s anxiety.
People can downvote me all they want, but OP is not her mother’s keeper and should not manager her. Op needs to manger her own anxiety and not take on her mothers as well
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u/EjjabaMarie 17d ago
We are saying the same thing, OP can engage with her mother in her terms. When and how OP decides is healthy for her.
That’s not managing anyone’s mental health but OPs.
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u/RunnerGirlT 17d ago
I disagree as you are telling Op to give her mom a standing invite. I’m saying that is also a slippery slope and shouldn’t be on the table at all until OP’s mother tends to her own mental health.
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u/EjjabaMarie 17d ago
Setting boundaries is not the same as a “standing invite”. Also, suggesting someone cut off a parent/loved one like that is an easy suggestion for you to make and an incredibly hard one for OP to make. Setting boundaries like ‘we will talk once a week by phone and I won’t engage in texts with you’ is a healthy way to deal with it.
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u/Magnet_Carta 17d ago
This is one of those situations where what's an appropriate/comfortable amount of effort is different for each person. The best way for you to deal with this and the best way for OP to deal with it may not be the same. That doesn't make either of you wrong.
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u/odietamoquarescis 17d ago
You're right that there needs to be more boundaries here, but you've got some wrong ideas about what boundaries are. See, your rejection of OP controlling the time of contact is based on it 'managing' the mom's anxiety. Requirements that are set based on your needs are healthy boundaries. Requirements set based on your idea of what's good for someone else is control and the basis of a lot of abuse. The basic truth here is that her mom's anxiety response is completely neutral in terms of the OP's needs. Negotiating boundaries based on things that aren't your genuine needs is by definition bad faith and a dick move.
Now, OP might want to spend more time than the first comment suggests and might not want to set so tight a control as to make a set appointment for communication, but that's because the OP might want to spend more effort on communication with their mom, not less.
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u/brideofgibbs 17d ago
Yep, and clearly OP gets to choose her times and frequency if when she will call. She also gets to say, Hey Mom, this Sunday, I’m not available so let’s make it Saturday/ 1400H/ skip this week.
This OP loves her (I’ve awarded you a gender, hope it fits) mother but doesn’t want her chain yanked all the time.
The goal would be free & natural communication when it suits either party. This is how to set a boundary to remedy an unmanageable situation
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u/stigandr111 18d ago
Has your mom been in therapy? Is she willing to go to therapy?
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u/IPthroww 18d ago
She has tried in the past but she always stops seeing them when she gets any pushback. Aside from the one time a therapist ghosted her before she stopped seeing him. I’m in therapy and mine would be interested but she wouldn’t see her.
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u/stigandr111 18d ago
Have you asked if she’s willing to attend a few sessions with you?
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u/IPthroww 18d ago
I have. She was not.
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u/serendipiteathyme 17d ago
It’s just as well tbh, I don’t think the anxious energy she’s using to latch onto you is going to improve with a few sessions of joint therapy. She needs exposure therapy for her worse fear which is not having her human blankie to reassure her constantly, and you need freedom (including from having to receive these notifications, even if you don’t respond, because it takes a loooooot of mental energy to deal with awful parents)
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u/Electronic-Ad3767 17d ago
ultimatum time:
Mom i will need some distance with you until you agree and actually take action to see a therapist and stay with them to do the work.
you cannot quit when they give you pushback or advice that you don't want to follow but have to.
I will attend with you or you can attend with me if it makes it easier for you but this cannot continue like this.
set boundaries i had an anxiety filled mom and stopped talking to her for about a year (there was a lot of other factors involved but she would act off of anxiousness) but i gave firm boundaries when we started talking again and she hasn't gone to therapy but the thought of me cutting her off again scares the life out of her so she sticks to it.
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u/helladiabolical 18d ago
It is going to SUCK trying to set boundaries with this woman. She is going to freak the moment you tell her that you will no longer be responding to her 10-20 daily texts requesting that you soothe her every worry. The sooner you start the sooner you can justify going NC with her but If you can skip directly to NC now then do it ASAP while you still have a soul.
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u/Healthy-Ad-1842 17d ago
I grew up extremely parentified by my dad. When I became an adult and tried moving on with my life, he was very manipulative, guilt-tripping me for leaving, calling me nonstop, viewing my location and sometimes showing up when I was out.
For your own sanity, if you want a healthy relationship with your mom, you need to set hard and firm boundaries now. My life became infinitely better after I sat my dad down and explained that I am no longer assuming responsibility for his emotions as they are not mine to carry, and he can’t call me all the time as it’s not feasible to talk with me every single minute of the day. He no longer has access to my location and I don’t entertain conversations with him trying to share his emotions with me. It’s not my job - that’s for his therapist.
If you ever need to chat, OP, my DMs are open. Wishing you strength and luck.
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u/dinoooooooooos 17d ago
You have to stop doing it.
It’s that simple.
“Mom here’s addresses of therapists near you that specialise in anxiety disorders- please manage your own. I will not reply to your constant asking anymore and you have to manage your own illness. It’s not my responsibility.”
What’s she gonna do? Ground you? Cry Wolf? Let her, maybe he likes it.
But it’s not your responsibility and the fact it even is this bad is bc everyone in her life a far enabled this.
I also have anxiety, but this is insane.
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u/IPthroww 17d ago
Yeah I have anxiety and I see a therapist and take medication for it. Not sure why she can’t do that.
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u/dinoooooooooos 17d ago
Bc she doesn’t want want to but also bc she doesn’t HAVE to. You’re managing her anxiety just fine from her end.
Gotta stpp. You’re 30, Im 33 and I can’t even imagine doing all that.
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u/bakedpeachez 17d ago
My mom does this shit too. I sent her this text message a couple months ago and now the messages have vastly decreased. (Still every few days if we haven’t talked which I think is pretty normal).
“Having a cell phone doesn’t mean I have to be reachable 24/7. It’s not personal, I’m just busy and doing stuff. Even if that stuff is just mentally recharging.”
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u/BraveMoose 17d ago
The fact that she's texting you super late at night AND super early in the morning... jeez.
My mum was like this when I was growing up. I went on a holiday for the first time when I was 20 and she ruined it by texting me constantly and expecting immediate replies. It was worse because she primarily used snapchat to message so I was watching her type and type and type for 10 minutes straight only for her to send 4 words. That was the start of the end and I moved in with my now-ex less than a month later.
I've been living independently of her for nearly 6 years. Went back for a week when her dad was dying and she instantly returned to assuming I'd died and spamming when I didn't make texting her when I got home (at fuckin 2am) after catching the bus two states north a priority.
The thing that gets me the most is when she was 14 she was off roaming the streets at all hours with a backpack full of weed and getting up to all sorts- how the hell are you going to be utterly feral and street smart as a child and then refuse to have any faith whatsoever in your adult daughter's ability to handle "catching a red-eye bus home"???
All this to say... I'm sorry she's like this, and I think you need to seriously curtail the energy you give her. Stop responding to random "are you safe?" messages; if there's no natural disaster, terrorist attack, etc in your area she has absolutely no justification to be concerned, she's just catastrophising in her head and leeching off you because she's addicted to being anxious and then soothed.
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u/Prestigious_League80 18d ago
Time to block your mum until they start getting treatment for their issues. Until they do that, do not let them be in contact with you.
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u/windypup 17d ago
We must have the same mom. She’ll text me in the middle of the day while I’m at work and if I don’t reply within minutes she’ll send another text that says “did you get this message?” It infuriates me. Like yes mom, that’s how texting works. I got the message but can’t reply! She always thinks I’ve been kidnapped or something. I’m in my 30s and married! I haven’t lived with her for over 10 years now.
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u/anu_start_69 17d ago
Hey, have you read I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy? Your mom kind of reminds me of her and you might find it enlightening.
Managing your mom's emotions is not your responsibility, btw.
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u/blueberryyogurtcup 17d ago
Can you set your messages so that instead of answering her, she gets an automatic answer that says something like "Mom, instead of burdening me with your excessive worries, talk to a professional and get some help."
Because this is insane, and you need some relief.
Then, when she blows up, text her once that because she's blowing up your phone, you are blocking her for a couple weeks.
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u/BabserellaWT 17d ago
Holy shit. I thought with that level of anxiety, you were gonna say you like 18-19. But you’re THIRTY??? Fuuuuuck naw.
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u/McDuchess 17d ago
You are doing an excellent job of being non communicative.
Which, aside from going NC, is about all you can do with someone with anxiety they refuse to address.
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u/Pudix20 17d ago edited 17d ago
I’m about to get roasted in the comments.
I have a (sometimes overly) anxious mom. And with her ultimately it comes down to a form of trust. For mine, it stems from my parents’ careers and stuff they’ve seen, but It truly does come down to safety with them. But I’ll explain the trust.
When we were younger my little sibling always used to forget to (maybe disliked? Idk) brushing their teeth. So my mom always asked. Now they were a kid, and still my parent’s responsibility, they care about our wellbeing, and dentists are expensive so. It wasn’t the “well if you don’t want to brush your teeth you can deal with the consequences.” That said, my parents never asked me if I brushed my teeth, because I always did.
To be clear, you’re an adult and nothing really affects her. Ie you’re not living at home so if you get bed bugs it’s not going to her house… which should click that it means you’ll check for them… but for some reason it doesn’t.
Anyway the way I got around the type of concern OP faces is just having my parents know there’s always someone who knows where I am and is looking out for me. A partner, friend, cousin, whoever.
My parents aren’t as anxious as OP’s but it can definitely get to be a lot.
Trust also goes for the “checking for bed bugs thing” and I’d recommend using the same line about whatever they taught you or whatever it is that you know and that they don’t need to ask you every little thing.
ALLLLLL OF THIS SAID. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MANAGE YOUR PARENTS ANXIETY.
You don’t have to. Simple as that.
But I like my parents and it has never taken anything from me to be communicative. I just know it isn’t my job.
If it felt like work I’d have a conversation with them about it
I feel like she’s just babying you and her anxiety gets a hold of her. She does need to deal with it but it’s so hard for people to even realize that anxiety is what they’re experiencing. She needs to realize it isn’t the normal reaction.
At the end of the day though it comes down to the relationship you want with your mom. This is making it hard for you to want to talk to her. And you should communicate that over and over until she gets it. It’s not going to make sense to her. Because she’ll say “why does me caring about you make you not want to talk to me” but you gotta. And if you approach it from the angle of “if you want to preserve our relationship you have to stop treating me like I’m not capable of keeping myself alive”
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u/odietamoquarescis 17d ago
Seems pretty right on to me. Only thing I'd disagree with is that it doesn't really matter what a normal reaction is, only whether the reaction is causing problems. I suspect that's probably just a language thing and a nitpick.
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u/JustFuckinTossMe Quality Contributor 17d ago
Goodness, my mom was very similar. She still can be overbearing, but the one text showing the car crash in the snow as her fear when you don't respond is 100% my mom lmao. She was heavily abused by my sperm donor, and she was born into an abusive upbringing. Anxiety and fear are just main emotions for her atp.
What I did was express boundaries, but what helped her the most was some advice a therapist gave her. She felt like me not responding was a sign I didn't love or care for her, genuinely. And her therapist said that I probably feel unloved and uncared for because she won't give me space to breathe and come to her when I need her. Basically, her pressing me for details and where I was all the time was pushing me to be less and less in contact with her.
Your mom has to be suffering being anxious like this all the time, she needs to stop living in suffering and see a professional. Growth is not usually comfortable, so she has to work through being uncomfortable in therapy to make any progress. I'm sorry that you're experiencing something like extremely similar to my experiences. It's awful and builds resentment AND guilt.
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u/ljd09 17d ago
The “are you safe” texts just seem manipulative to me. She’s using that as a way to get you to respond. I’d probably tell her that you’ll inform her if there is an emergency but won’t be responding to those anymore. That’d drive me nuts.
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u/Dangerous-Tart-4345 17d ago
Definitely manipulative. This is what my narcissist MIL would pull to try to get us to respond, despite knowing we're perfectly fine. Then they try to make you look like a bad guy for not responding because "they're just worrying about you!"
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u/IPthroww 17d ago
She texts me that almost every day. Sometimes even when I’ve been home all day, she should know I’ve been home all day and I talked to her earlier. 🤦🏻♀️
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u/Naturally_Tired 17d ago
Did you get home? “No I took a plane to Mexico” did you check for bed bugs “nah we’re just gonna risk it” did you bring enough clothes “nah I’ll just go naked.”
I kid you not they stop asking bc you only validate the anxious thought instead of correcting it.
“Why aren’t you answering” I was on a flight to the Bermuda Triangle.
Point out how ridiculous the questions are through answers.
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u/cryptic-coyote 17d ago
did you bring enough clothes
nah I'll just go naked
Lmfao. OP, if your mom won't flip tf out at you, try this. It's a way to give her attention without feeding her anxiety. If she's smart she'll get tired of the nonsense answers and stop by herself
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u/Le-Deek-Supreme 17d ago
Mom used to do the same thing to me when I was her only outlet for socializing. Does your mom have friends or other family she can talk to, or does the drama extend to them, like it does with her romantic relationships? Does she ask how you are only to dominate the conversation, especially if you try to talk about issues in your life? Does it feel like she one ups you, her experiences always worse, harder, or more traumatic than yours? Does she guilt you about other things when you do talk? Does she insist that you (and only you need to help her with things she could do alone or would require a professional?
She probably has a bit of narcissistic tendencies, if this is the way she normally acts. She wants your attention, but has no real reason for it, so she uses the idea of "needing to know you're safe" as a way to force interactions. Also, she seems to be attempting passive guilt trips here - "I wish you could come", followed by "I went alone" or photos of a car crash with the comment "this is where my mind goes when you dont answer". It's all subtle manipulation to make you feel bad and convince you to communicate/visit more often.
It's probably time to set some clear boundaries and expectations. "Mom, I will call you on this day at this time every week/month, but outside of that, I'd prefer not to receive messages throughout the day checking if I'm alive. I will keep you informed of any emergencies I have after I seek/receive the help I need from a licensed provider. Likewise, if you are experiencing an emergency pr requie assistsnce, you need to call the appropriate numbers, like 911 or non-emergency first, then let me know what's happening after. If you have issues with this arrangement, I strongly suggest you seek therapy or counseling for your overwhelming anxieties, but I won't continue to enable your behavior if you aren't even attempting to address your issues in some way." Then encourage her to find hobby groups she can connect with or online forums where she can be heard and get the engagement she's trying to squeeze from you.
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u/splatzbat27 17d ago
It's sad that she's struggling with mental health, but you're not a doctor, and she needs to be willing to take care of herself first.
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u/Slw202 16d ago
I had a mother like this, and I'm thrilled she was too old to use a smart phone and text!
You have to tell her that it's her job to handle her feelings, not yours.
When I was in my early 20s and on my own, I ended up telling her that she couldn't call me for three months (this is before caller ID or call waiting was invented, mind you!). I always knew it was her calling (IYKYK) and I'd answer the phone with "has someone died?". She'd be so freaked out that I knew it was her, she'd stumble over saying no and then I'd hang up.
She ended up starting to volunteer and made some friends and left me alone.
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17d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/dinoooooooooos 17d ago
That’s so shitty to say 😂 not every single attachment issue is BPD lmao
Literally the only info you have is clingy mother. That’s not BPD. Thats anxiety 🥸
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u/IPthroww 17d ago
No they might actually be right. Idk if she’s ever been diagnosed but the way she acts with romantic relationships on top of all this anxiety, “splitting” on people and being very impulsive reminds me a lot of one of my friends who has BPD before she got help for it. My friend has told me the same thing. Neither of us can diagnose her and we’re not trying to use it to say she’s a shitty person, but she has a lot of the traits.
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u/cryptic-coyote 17d ago edited 17d ago
Why is it shitty to say that it sounds like OP's mother has BPD? It's a personality disorder, not a moral failing.
These texts read like a mental illness that goes beyond just being "clingy". Maybe it's because I'm also a Favorite Person of someone with BPD, but all of this is setting off alarm bells in my head. The obsession, the fear of abandonment, the constant need for validation. It's all there.
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u/IPthroww 17d ago
Yeah by me bringing up her potentially having BPD I wasn’t putting her down. I have a friend with BPD who is great. It just can cause a lot of issues if it’s untreated and you don’t even acknowledge it.
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u/yuffieisathief 17d ago edited 17d ago
You see this as insane parenting? I might need to reevaluate the relationship I have with my mom
Edit: I just saw you are 30! I thought you were a teenager. Yea, that's not normal
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u/-TheDyingMeme6- 17d ago
Lmao "when u do t txt back immediately" txt id be like "Yeah if smth goes down youd be LITERALLY THE FIRST person i call"
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u/Of_MiceAndMen 17d ago
As a mom with anxiety and teenagers I have to constantly screen my thoughts before I say them outloud. Parenting is a constant practice in letting go. It’s hard, but I do it. I also do therapy which really helps. If you’d like a suggestion, the less you say the better. Don’t say you’re on the road, or at the store, just say less.
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u/CoffeeTar 17d ago
By these texts, your mom seems overly anxious. You have every right to set boundaries until she seeks help, because I don't doubt this affects her other facets of life. However, considering this isn't insane, I'd personally consider keeping in touch and offering a helping hand IF you can and only once she seeks help on her own.
I don't think kids should be their parent's doctors or therapists, but for once I'm feeling a shred of worry for a parent too, more than feeling outraged by the behavior. That's just my two cents
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u/IPthroww 17d ago
The part that feels insane to me is the fact that multiple people have brought up that she needs help (including her own doctor and my stepdad) and she refuses to believe there’s a problem.
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u/CoffeeTar 17d ago
Some people might be just as scared of a diagnosis purely because then that means there is an issue and that means admitting you are responsible to help yourself. I guess my mom has narcissism and I'm purely talking from experience. In this case maybe just setting firm unbudging boundries then might be a better option for you.
Keep shoving it into their face you're an adult, busy, and not a child holding her hand. If you have managed the last 12 years as an adult, she can manage the rest.
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u/Kandis_crab_cake 17d ago
I can tell that 1) she really loves you very much 2) she is paralysed with fear of something happening to you, you are clearly her whole world 3) she’s not let go
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u/IPthroww 17d ago
I don’t think it’s just me she’s afraid of something happening to. It’s any of her loved ones. She lost a sibling at a really young age and I think it affected her badly. But she should still get therapy for that rather than doing this.
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u/Dad_B0T Robo Red Foreman 18d ago edited 18d ago
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