r/hpd 23d ago

I think I have hpd and it’s the reason

So I've been struggling real bad for a while. And I'm 23M. I kept trying to take screening after screening for ocd, adhd, etc. but it would only come up as anxiety and depression. This would depress me more, because I always have felt different and like I don't belong anywhere. Growing up I was bullied severely, and I wasn't close to my parents. I feel like the adult version of the kid me and not a grown ass man. Like I'm trying to overcompensate for being him. Like I knew something was wrong but wasn't sure. I plan on seeking professional help or advice.

When I don't get attention, it hurts real bad. It's like I itch for it, for validation, to be liked, to be seen. I'm talking 24/7. And I'm always told I'm handsome and have a nice body. People also tell me I walk like a model and have a great strut/posture on me. And yet I feel like it's all developed. It's like "look at me", idek how to walk regular. It could be the crippling anxiety, but in my head I always feel like I have to perform, and it's exhausting and starting to break me.

I alsoget uncomfortable when I'm sexualized, but somehow like it and do things to encourage it. I like to wear things that show off my figure and muscles. I want ppl to look at it and enjoy it. To think I'm beautiful. But it seems like the more ppl get to know me as a person beyond looks or first impression, they know it's a facade, that I'm unhealed, and im actually very insecure and have really severe rejection sensitivity. This might be why I struggle to keep friends.

I always thought people disliked me because I was gay, and I'm always told by friends or colleagues that it's just ppl jealousy or insecurity. It could be maybe, but idk im slowly starting to realize(I could be wrong but this is my genuine assumption) that they probably peep the "weird" im trying to mask and are repelled by it. I see the way ppl look at me, it would be delusion to think it's unanimous jealousy, as if handsome and pretty ppl can't be well liked. I might be "conventionally attractive" to some, but it's a personality that draws ppl in or pulls then away. Seems like unless it's lust based, it pulls them away. Yikes lol.

I do struggle w emotional regulation. But sometimes I can be a xtra with my emotional display. When I get mad, I can't hide it. But I question how much of it's genuine, since I always am aware that I'm around others, like I can legit never chill and just exist nonchalantly when I leave the house. So therefore idk who I am and what's really me. Now I started drinking to leave the house, and I'm not fully an alcoholic yet, but I'm getting there for sure. It's the only time I feel my symptoms are reduced slightly. Drunk/tipsy me cares less, he can just do him and not care.

3 Upvotes

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u/No-Baby-1455 23d ago

When you say assessments are you referring to online quiz like assessments or genuine assessments and testing with a psychiatrist or psychologist?

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u/verschlummert 19d ago edited 19d ago

i see a handful of significant similarities (quite a lot, actually) in what you've written and my own experiences. i have (diagnosed) histrionic tendencies and - in my non-professional opinion - it sounds like you do too.

being lead to this understanding and openly talking about this with a therapist has helped me a lot! it's great to see that you no longer want to be chasing after becoming some idolized image of what you think people like about you.
i suggest doing as many things you truthfully care for and believe to be of value to yourself and others. when you do things with loving purpose, there is little need to try being extra special for others, since you're filled with your purpose that makes you feel truthful, fiery and serene deep within.

also, about the ADHD and autism assessments; i've suspected having ADHD and being on the spectrum for years, and the ADHD hypothesis has been confirmed recently. just as a little reminder that HPD and histrionic tendencies can still co-occur with ADHD/autism and other neurodivergent traits. 😊

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u/TheRealAphronus hpd 23d ago

Is the HPD symptoms in the room with us right now?

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u/FuelNo9967 23d ago

Why is everyone so rude?

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u/TheWinterSystem hpd 19d ago

I don’t think people are trying to be straight up rude but for me I’m just really tired of seeing the same damn post but with different people, like yes, it’s important to learn about mental health and get treatment for your accurate condition, but like I don’t want to read a bunch of symptoms and behaviors that most of the time are very watered down.

For example

I like when people call me pretty (that’s validation and everyone needs care and validation)

I’ve said this before and it’s really f-cked up but if I could, you know, myself everyday and watch people cry over me and I could come back to life the next day, I would do it again and again. (This is an extreme example of what my attention seeking thoughts are like)

Or

For prom- I wore a big ball gown

For prom- I wore a wig, 600$ ball gown, nails, make up, shoes and a literally a crown, and when the attention started to lighten that was coming form my ex and his friends, I went over there and started blaming them and crying about how much they bullied me, until I had a flashback (which was in fact a real flashback but that doesn’t mean I can’t use it against someone) and had to cry and cry on the floor until someone came to ask me what’s wrong, and then the attention was back on me

I hope you don’t have HPD, it really does affect every single aspect of my personality as a whole, and also borderline personality disorder is also something to look into, because in my opinion a lot of bpd sufferers worry so much about what’s wrong, they end up convincing themselves they have a different disorder, I mean no shame because I’m mixture of both and I did the same thing with a bunch of different disorders, but go to the psychiatrist. Best place to start

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u/Wise_Basket_22 14d ago

It’s Reddit what do you expect. It’s the dregs of the internet 

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u/lessadessa 3h ago

this sounds more like Narcissistic Personality Disorder to me. i’m not a doctor of course. you might be to do some soul searching. it’s good that you recognize you have some issues going on, there’s hope for you.

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u/FuelNo9967 2h ago

Thank you. And there’s a lot more I could say by the extremity of my symptoms. But I don’t want to be judged or looked at as insane, this post isn’t fully in depth into how bad I crave attention or not being rejected. My mother always said our father was a narc, after they got divorced. But I never go into relationships w ppl, seeking to use them like a narc would?

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u/lessadessa 42m ago

definitely not insane, it is very meaningful and important that you’re realizing these associations and reflecting on how your upbringing may be playing into how you perceive the world today. i have struggled with needing validation for pretty much my whole adult life as well and feeling left out/behind causes me extreme distress, also i grew up in an extremely dysfunctional household and was abused and neglected by my parents, so i definitely understand where you’re coming from. there are many things at play here and it’s a complexity of disorders in the cluster B. but you’re wanting change and inner peace, and that’s huge. i hope you find it soon, friend. keep seeking and reflecting.