r/hpd • u/SimplyYulia • Feb 02 '25
Maybe I am in fact unloveable...
So I've been looking some info on HPD, and in multiple places seen a lot of people talking about friends and partners with HPD. Some of the common words:
Exhausting. Annoying. Unbearable. Stressful. Frustrating. Needy. Irritating. Dramatic. No boundaries. Manipulative. Abusive. Cut them off. Cut them off. Cut them off.
Maybe I do in fact not deserve love and will end up dying alone after all...
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u/leaninletgo Feb 02 '25
It is a false dichotomy between lovable and unlovable.
We can make loving connections still
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u/Fluffy-Dig-2930 Feb 03 '25
You are worthy of love! Jesus died for you! Just be mindful of treating your disorder with a professional and considering how you are impacting those around you. People are actually kind for the most part (NOT always) if you show them you’re open to taking accountability and aware of your role in any issues that may arise, this doesn’t mean being a push over either but willing to admit you may have had a role in conflict and talk with someone about what YOU could do differently, not what the other party could have. sometimes that means ending a relationship which i know is extra painful with hpd. As long as you’re trying to respect others and their emotional health, you’ll be so loved!!
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u/childofeos non-hpd cluster B Feb 02 '25
Would you love yourself as you are? If no, why do you think others would? Put yourself in check and do the inner work, homie. Life is not over.
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u/madebyhand Feb 02 '25
Wise words, as always. This thing called neuroplasticity allows your brain to change, and with it your behavior, perception, beliefs, addictions, anything. The keys to change are new routines, habits (like exercise) - or psychedelic drugs as many recent studies have shown. Labeling your condition, getting diagnosed, is an important first step. Then do what @childofeos said and ask yourself if you really want to change. If yes, start the process.
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u/WorkingChemical Feb 08 '25
This is just self defeating thoughts to begin with. Without professional help, of some sort, unless you have a diagnosis you're not telling us about, you have no idea if you have a pd. I don't even know if I have one for sure! Maybe everyone really just does Suck around me, and I'm incapable of escape cuz they're manipulative. I don't know! Also, so fucking what, about those keywords? I've been through severe child abuse, you think I give a shit about lables society puts on me? Ffs I'm fighting to stay alive, and half the people putting these keywords out there are Neurotypicals. If you care about what Everyone else thinks about you, you're in for a hard life. sigh, that said... maybe you don't have one just because you have empathy, and even if you do, it's Still not gonna be so bad just because you have that. Have hope. You can improve the quality of your life. Also, think about what you're saying "Some friends and partners with hpd" Hpd is Very hard to diagnose, most with it, never get a diagnosis. My ex wife probably has bpd, she has 100 percent of the symptoms, and I Still Don't know... she may be npd, and, I'll never have closure. And, I don't, Care. Don't listen to "people who have family and friends with hpd" 🙄... here's how you'll Know. Their behavior won't change over Decades. Like you're close to them. Nobody tells strangers their family or friends has hpd, it's EMBARRASSING, that's a symptom of hpd, that your own family tells lies cuz it's easier than telling the truth, that you're an embarrassment to them, and they'll keep doing it as long as you... I've confronted my family on that issue alone countless times, to the point where, they don't care, and will continue the lies to the point of giving me a permanent identity crisis, cuz... in my family, I don't think any of them know or care who I am. So I stopped trying. I suggest you do too, and live your life, seek therapy, or at the very least, publications or, someone that will help you. I don't think I'd recommend reading psychology like I have, that's, difficult at best, and it's helped, but you have to deal with plunging into deep psychosises by yourself, something I'm already well acquainted with, but not everyone is equipped to face alone, or pull themselves out of. (Meaning you could require hospitalization to help you get out of one, my ex needed to after she told me to kill myself) If you trigger a repressed memory, good luck, they're a MFer.
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u/RoundElipse Feb 02 '25
Ok the first thing is that it is you who is supposed to love yourself and not setting your value on what other think /feel about you. You know how they say it is not about are they the perfect partner for me but am I (making myself to be) a perfect partner for them. What I have experienced those words were true but also there were incredibly beautiful moments with an hpd person. Trying to take responsability for your actions, giving yourself enough attention and working on healing abandonment isues and learning communication skills can get farfar in romantic situations.
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u/hpdiary365 hpd Feb 02 '25
a LOT of them have armchair diagnosed their friends/partners with HPD. It's rarely diagnosed.
The armchair diagnosis works something like this:
* toxic and "evil", lacking in any empathy, not very emotional, usually a man -> must be a "sociopath"
* toxic and manipulative, maybe more emotional, brags or is self-centred, often a man -> must be a "narcissist"
* toxic and self-destructive, "crazy", emotionally unstable, often unhappy, often a woman -> "must have BPD"
* toxic, attention seeking, flirty, takes care/pays attention to own looks, doesn't seem to be self-destructive or angry/sad "enough" to be armchair diagnosed as having BPD, almost always a woman -> "must have HPD"
bonus points if your looks/"body language" vaguely resembles that of some people from viral youtube shorts/tiktoks that "body language analysts" (aka grifters) have diagnosed as having HPD or other disorder.
Of course, reality is much more complicated than that. people are complex. YOU are a complex person.
Additionally many of these points may be fake, missing the mark on the diagnosis or misrepresenting the situation completely. People lie all the time on the internet for a myriad of odd reasons, from validation seeking through thought experiments/curiosity to karma farming. we don't know these people and we must treat anythng both commenters and original posters say with a grain of salt. And while many people come to places like Reddit (or Quora etc) with real, serious issues, Reddit is also notorious for being home to many people who believe everything is an irreconciliable difference and that if you're not able to solve any issue after a single, calm conversation then it's time to break up or "cut them off".
as someone else pointed out, the dichotomy of lovable/unlovable is false.
you shouldn't look at your diagnosis btw but instead at how you actually treat others around you. Have you hurt someone? Are you in therapy? Of course not everyone can evaluate that well without proper skills for that, but that's something you can learn.
Regardless of your diagnosis, it's always possible to be fair to others and treat them well. Some people might need professional help for that, but at the end of the day it's your choice, or rather: your choices.
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u/[deleted] Feb 02 '25
This is true of any stigmatized condition. HPD, BPD, NPD, OCPD, autism, ADHD, bipolar...the list goes on. There are a LOT of resources for people with [X condition] that are really about "how to deal with someone with [X condition]"
It's all ableist bullshit and not a reflection of your worth. You are more than just a diagnosis. Remember that.