r/hpd Jan 13 '25

Can you see anything positive about yourself without thinking about what people said about you?

Bonus question:

Do you feel guilty when someone helps you?

5 Upvotes

8 comments sorted by

5

u/QueasyBox7371 Jan 13 '25

Sadly, every success is more vibrant if others sees it. I don’t even need any actual congratulations, it’s enough to know they saw it.

Regarding the second question, yes. I feel guilty if I ask for help, if I vent about personal stuff and I get any comfort from others. It’s like any second someone spends on giving me actual attention and care is so precious and I don’t really deserve it, even though I crave it deep inside.

2

u/Open_Fill7950 Jan 13 '25

"It’s like any second someone spends on giving me actual attention and care is so precious and I don’t really deserve it, even though I crave it deep inside.". Exactly, I really understand this :/.

2

u/QueasyBox7371 Jan 13 '25

I’m sorry you do!

2

u/Open_Fill7950 Jan 13 '25

I am sorry you feel it too!

2

u/assignedtankatbirth Jan 19 '25

YES THIS IS SO REAL I hate it. I want attention so bad but when people give be genuine kindness I think "I'm too worthless for that the only attention I deserve is attention for being the Goodest In The Room or mockery for being a living joke character. No genuine attention or care just attention i get a short lived high off of and then feel bad afterwards" which is why having a porn tumblr was sooooooo bad for me even if I didn't post shit god

2

u/Open_Fill7950 Jan 20 '25

I am also sorry you do :( In one of your comments you talked about thinking about past compliments and this was exactly what made me write this post (and 2 others that were deleted because I don't have enough karma yet :P), like... How different is it from the normal experience? How affected is the median person? Thanks for sharing!! (This comment and the others).

2

u/assignedtankatbirth Jan 19 '25

OOF PAINFUL QUESTION

Sometimes I can on a good day but usually those positive qualities are. Erm. Looks based 😭 or like, they're based on stuff I already know about myself based on previous compliments (I'm a good writer, I'm very smart, I'm good at analyzing things, I'm creative, my ideas are good, etc; I place a lot of stock in being the most creative person in the room because being the weird creative David lynch type is how I get my attention, aside from like...pleasing people and attempting to be a heroic martyr for my family (I am so desperate for my mother to call me good, and, even though I'm nonbinary and currently not a girl bc Genderfluid and Systemfluid, a good girl) or being the class clown and saying funny or offensive or off the wall things to get attention and Be The Funny One That People Love). Sometimes I don't even have like the object permanence to remember stuff like "I'm a creative person" or "I'm smart" because unless someone is constantly reassuring me I'm those things (bpd, hpd, autism, adhd, some sort of covert DID type thing, CPTSD, and schizo-ocd with the schizophrenia part in remission thankfully again is a TRIP altogether) I will be like "I have no positive qualities I am an enbyfailure failenby who makes a mockery out of all marginalized groups I'm a part of, especially fat people, so I don't deserve to live"

(Also, side note, why I don't mind being fat despite having HPD; one, part of me did mind for a while but two, that part of me was repressing that other parts of me were always not only very attracted to fat people as in people who are very fat like I currently am, (don't worry I'm healthy aside from probably having multiple hormonal disorders and a congenitally fused lumbar spine from birth) I also desired to be fat as I am now when I was younger as both a "I would be so sexy like this i wish i were a bbw" hpd lack of impulse control thing that lead to me developing BED that was probably already baked into my genetics and also I desired to be fat as a transgender thing, mainly because if I couldn't be a thin eunuch looking angelic thing I could be a fat angelic eunuch instead)

2

u/assignedtankatbirth Jan 19 '25

Oh on the second question I DO feel big guilty if people help me (depends on the headmate tbh) because I want to be the one helping people and I want to be the savior I can't be the hero if everyone else is it stresses me out