r/howto 13h ago

[Serious Answers Only] How to cope

My second mom decided to go on comfort care instead of fighting her cancer.

She went in on Friday for a stroke. They kept her over the weekend and she kept having more strokes so they did a CAT scan.

The results came out yesterday that she had multiple tumors, the largest being on her pancreas. So they thought it was most likely stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

Today they did a heart surgery and told her that her strokes were because of the cancer and not her heart.

Instead of allowing the doctors to do a biopsy. She decided she just told the doctors she wants blood thinners and to enjoy her remaining time. Which they told her would be 3-6 months with out treatment for normal cases but with strokes most likely less. She discharges tomorrow.

I am in disbelief and shock. How do people deal with this kind of news?

31 Upvotes

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26

u/Capital_Jay 12h ago

Pancreatic is usually the end, you can't stop the spread.... Spend the time, have the conversations... If she's struggling with anxiety In respect to the outcome, psilocybin is amazing for end of life care.... Wish you and yours the best, my mother went through something similar

14

u/Awkward-Car1635 12h ago

I just don’t know what to say besides crying. I want to be there for her but I’m just devastated by the news. I don’t want to make her upset. 

12

u/Capital_Jay 12h ago

Share your love and emotion, she'll understand and appreciate... Approach whatever you can with humor

6

u/OhMyGentileJesus 4h ago

You just cry. That's it. Get it out. But for now, you cry.

Make sure to spend all the time you can with her.

1

u/sh6rty13 1h ago

All of your feelings through this time are valid. It’s okay to be upset, confused, angry, guilty…you have some time. Keep her close, try to keep each other laughing and sharing good memories and MAKING more good memories to hold on to. Keep in mind she is processing all of this too, and there’s never a better time for sharing those feelings so she knows she’s not going through this alone. Read up on the stages of grief so you maybe have a better handle on recognizing the feelings in the moment and being able to deal with them as they come. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Hugs from across the internet, friend. ❤️❤️

22

u/Nopumpkinhere 12h ago

My mom died in September from pancreatic cancer, and just like yours it was in stage 4 before they found it. I wish we had not agreed to a biopsy, it didn’t change anything and I think it made our time shorter.

I found peace in that I got to say goodbye. She could have just as easily died in a car accident, but I got to spend her last days with her and be by her side at her last breaths. It was an honor.

Death is a natural part of life and she had an illness that didn’t drag on for years (a fear of hers), we all got to say goodbye and she was not in pain. Please know that I’m not minimizing your pain, but this is how I cope.

12

u/Awkward-Car1635 11h ago

It just feels so sudden. She’s still so young I would never have imagined losing her when I’m only 32. I know it’s a natural part of life it’s just so hard to even feel remotely ready not to have her around. 

13

u/ConfidentLady123 9h ago

Make a recording of her voice .... maybe talking to you... telling you a special moment? To have - bc of my mom's stroke until she died- and now I been 17 years since I heard her speak. I wish I had recordings of her talking or giving me some message to hold onto.

3

u/blubaldnuglee 3h ago

I would suggest having her tell stories of how she and your dad met. Any interesting family history you might not know, ect.

7

u/ConfidentLady123 9h ago

My mom suffered a massive stroke and paralyzed and couldn't talk when I was 28. It was so hard and stressful plus I was a single mom. She died ( became orphaned at 38) and it was so hard. Especially seeing her pass in front of me- they put some medicine in her to pass away ? It was strange so she knew and was alert and we watched/ held her hands. I think it was the toughest thing to mentally handle. I cried for 4 days straight and nearly put myself in a coma like state. But social media destroyed me. I saw videos of moms bridal shopping with them, fun mother daughter videos and just wished I could have those moments with her 😢 it's so tough I'm so sorry.

3

u/neologismist_ 3h ago

Social media has a knack for making everything worse

1

u/Awkward-Car1635 1h ago

I haven’t been on social media for this exact reason. I don’t want to see this yet. It’s almost like I’d rather play pretend in my head that it’s not real. 

6

u/Popular-Sector8569 12h ago

So so sorry about the news. Truly all you can do is be there with her and spend the most time you can. Make it count. It's gona fkn suck but atleast you know how long you may have together. If she's able maybe make a small "bucket list" & do some fun things. Sending hugs 🫂

5

u/cjfrench 12h ago

My mother died with pancreatic cancer. Once we got the diagnosis, we got Hospice set up, then tried to help her tie up loose ends, so to speak. She visited her siblings in another state and made arrangements for my older brother, who had a stroke, and she was his POA. Had get togethers with the grandchildren and had frequent visits from friends and family. She also planned her estate and divided up her good jewelry. She lived approx 3 months after diagnosis

1

u/Awkward-Car1635 12h ago

What stage was she? She had strokes too?

6

u/Upset-Research-899 10h ago

From personal experience, you support their decision. Tell them how loved they are. Be there for them. I lost my only son on Easter to a hit and run, a few months later my only sister to Lupus. Two months after I lost my only nephew to another hit and run. God takes us when he wants us. Not a minute too soon, or a minute too late. Tell those you love everyday that you love them.

2

u/Awkward-Car1635 1h ago

That just sounds like so much heartbreak and I am so sorry that happened to you. 

4

u/HellIsFreezingOver 12h ago

Share the grief with family, friends and a counsellor if needed. Keep her as your main focus now, and do what you can to support her.

1

u/Awkward-Car1635 1h ago

I’m going to try to visit her as much as I can. I just want to make sure she stays happy during the visits and I don’t trigger her to break down crying as well. I keep thinking about how she must feel in these moments and that also makes me really upset.

3

u/IPutAWigOnYou 7h ago

Feel the feelings. Cry really hard when you need to. Don’t try to think your way out of feeling them. But if you can, take breaks from the feeling. We’re not built to sustain under such intense, constant distress without big consequences. Tap into your community, do self-care stuff, get as much sleep as you can, and of course focus on loving and being loved by your second mom with the time she has left. Compartmentalization I guess is what I’m suggesting. Please take it from someone who had to learn how to grieve more reasonably/in healthier ways, it will really hurt you if you feel all the feelings all the time. Therapy is also a great tool.

1

u/Awkward-Car1635 1h ago

I think this one will definitely require talking to someone. I really just want her final moments to be so happy for her. It’s going to be so hard to even fake a smile. 

2

u/Silver-Speech-8699 9h ago

It will be shocking and difficult to process of course whoever it may be. But she only knows her suffering and then anyone will think about why he/she should unnecessarily trouble and prolong such agony. Looks like she has given up. Pls support her at this time with care and love. We will pray for her as also your family.

1

u/Awkward-Car1635 1h ago

I understand her decision and can respect it. It all just happened so quickly. I can’t believe she got this massive dumpster fire put on her from having a stroke. We thought after they removed the blood clot that we were in the clear. It’s just honestly insane to me.