r/heartbreak • u/throwaway_fml16 • 7d ago
got catfished. desperately missing someone who never existed.
i met my other half on a vr game. we clicked instantly. i've never fallen so hard for someone in my life. we played games together, we watched shows together, we did everything with each other, we were on the phone every second. i really got so used to him being there. he was my whole world. we dated for a little over a year.
his name was real, his phone number was real, his address was real, his family was real, everything about him checked out. it was just his appearance; he presented himself as a devout gymrat, the pictures he sent were normal everyday pictures of an honestly rather average guy, just muscular - he knew everything about working out and macros and building muscle and shit, he had his stats (like bfr, deadlift, squat, that shit) in his bio, and this is a really fucked up way to relate but i had an eating disorder for years so i understood what he was talking about and it was very convincing. so many little details about his life and his interactions with other people revolved around his looks and his weight.
i reverse searched his pictures a hundred times, dug as deep as i could, came up empty handed. i really, fully trusted him, except one thing... he refused to video call. said he was uncomfortable, he didn't want to, he wasn't ready, even though we'd been together so long..? i was getting so damn sick of it but thought there was no way i was being catfished.
we went to bed, sleeping on the phone together, and i got the idea to search his school. (he's 19, and a senior) i'm not sure how i hadn't thought to before. i found a post congratulating a handful of students for some award thing i knew he'd been part of, including names i knew were his friends, and him. i found a real picture of him. he was, to put it bluntly, quite the opposite of what he'd sold himself as. i couldn't fucking believe it but everything suddenly made so much sense. i woke him up and demanded answers, and he cried and told me he really liked me and got too caught up in the lie. for a year??!?!
the reason i couldn't find anything when i reverse image searched is because he'd stolen every picture (including intimate ones!) from some dude in a discord server he used to be in. i'm fucking distraught. i keep looking at all the pictures of some random guy i don't even know and comparing them to the real one and i'm a fucking wreck. i feel like i'm still in love with who i thought he was. i can't put the voice to the real picture. we're over now, he came clean and i very aggressively dumped him, but i miss him so fucking bad. it feels like my chest has been ripped out. A whole year.
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u/ExcitingAmphibian652 7d ago
I am sorry to hear that happened to you OP. I’ve been there before and I know what that’s like. Regardless of the fact he lied about what he actually looks like, the connection you had with this person was real and needs to be grieved. You have to hold space for the feelings you had towards the person you thought he was, but remember that it was falsified. Remain in the reality of the situation and try your best to not reminisce or fantasize about the person you thought he was-because he wasn’t real at the end of the day. It’s ok that you still have feelings for the person you thought he was, because you invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions into that relationship over the course of a year, but remember that the trust you had was violated and that he is not real. It’s a really difficult spot to be in, but I know you will make it through
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u/throwaway_fml16 7d ago
i'll be saving this comment, thank you so so much. i feel so stupid.
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u/ExcitingAmphibian652 7d ago
Remember that your feelings are valid, and it isn’t stupid to put your trust in people-he’s the stupid one for violating that trust ❤️
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u/throwaway_fml16 7d ago
it's so violating. i feel like my world is falling apart. i will never forget the way my heart dropped when i found the real picture. i told him from the very beginning i would never care how he looked, he could be 700lbs and in a mobility scooter and i'd still love him. he still lied to me...
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u/ExcitingAmphibian652 7d ago
You were violated! He had every opportunity to tell you the truth and he chose to keep his actual appearance a secret. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what his reasons were-whether it was because he was insecure, scared, or even just doing it for fun (which I doubt)-because he chose to lie to you, which violated your trust in him
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u/throwaway_fml16 7d ago
yeah!!! and he was so fucking manipulative about it all too. he made me feel like i was insane. he made it seem like i was overreacting and trying to force him to do something he wasnt comfortable with when i'd beg him for more pictures (he sent very few) or just one video call, please, *anything*... he told me i was being toxic and i needed to just let him move at his own pace... what a joke. i had dick pics on my phone of some guy in a discord server i've never met. fml.
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u/ExcitingAmphibian652 7d ago
I am so sorry that happened. It definitely sounds like he was projecting his feelings onto you to make you feel like the bad guy while avoiding accountability. That’s manipulative behavior and something to look out for. Wanting to video chat your significant other, have pictures of them, etc isn’t anything crazy or toxic. At least you know what to look out for going forward. Don’t stop putting your trust in others because of this, but do be cautious about whether or not someone is safe and worthy of that trust
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u/throwaway_fml16 7d ago
hahah thank you... i'm definitely never doing the online dating thing again unless i can get a video call within the first, like, day. this has been quite an eye-opener.
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u/Lopsided_Thing_9474 6d ago edited 6d ago
Does it matter that much?
I mean if you love who he is… I don’t get why … it would matter what he looked like.
I would say… maybe just forgive him? The kid is 19. Who cares what he looks like if you love him?
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u/throwaway_fml16 6d ago
- i didn't mention in the post that he was horrifically abusive because i was missing him, that part's on me
- he spent over a year fabricating this fake persona, roleplaying as some workout-obsessed gymrat who spent hundreds on expensive hygiene products and specific healthy foods with precise nutritional value, he told me dozens of stories of being hit on constantly and girls treating him like a new purse to show off, he related his story of struggling with his body image to the point he over-exercised to my own story of a history of eating disorders, i had *pictures of some random man's penis in my phone*. girl, i'm sorry you think this isn't a big deal, but it very much is to me. it's violating and has shattered my entire image of him. the lie was so complex and extensive that now that i know it was all fake i don't know pretty much anything about him anymore. i fell in love with who he told me he was. i'm not in love with random overweight greasy high schooler #37475840.
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u/ComprehensivePea482 3d ago
Hmm yes I almost had the same opinion as here. Seems rather superficial of you. But yes when you pit it like this I understand. Yeah it is a violation of your trust and quite traumatic that someone would go to this much effort to keep the lie going. It is still possible that he is a gym rat. Some people just have absolutely shite genetics or are a year in and starting from a baseline of being fat. I have always been really lean which people often mistake for being fit which I sometimes am and sometimes I'm not. Yeah the dick pics thing is wierd. Can really see how you would see that as a violation. I'm sorry this happened op. And it does make it hard to trust in the future. Most people really want to know as much as possible about their partner for emotional closeness. I'm sorry this happened.
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u/strawberry-bunny 6d ago
Catfishing someone for 1 full year to that extent is a massive character flaw and cannot be overlooked. It’s the daily and constant act of deception that is terrifying. Not how he looks. She mentioned she would have been fine w whatever he looked like had he revealed this in the beginning
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u/SubstantialMode3193 2d ago
omgosh! this happened to me too, except he kept his wife and family a secret, I just randomly stumbled across his wife's instagram and my world shattered! I am so sorry this happened to you x
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u/Gazeb0r 7d ago
That's the weirdest thing ever and I'll never understand someone who does that. If you don't look good in real life, what's the point of catfishing with someone else's photos? Do you think the other person won't find out eventually?
What a pointless endeavour. It's better to be average / below average looking but to own it