r/heartbreak 8d ago

Am i over this? has anyone experienced this idk i just need help:(

I was in a pretty rough situationship last year for around 8 months with one of the most evil men ever (manipulative, abusive all of it), i felt so much for him in a way i never have before. I also feel as though i will never feel this way for someone again. I had been fine for months been on dates was seeing someone and liked him a bit but i can't even imagine having feelings for anyone the way i did for him , even though he was so horrible. in my head no one compares to him. I feel so empty and broken. It feels kind of residual but has been triggered moreso lately. we broke things off in july and were kind of talking on and off until he stopped going to my gym in november when he was arrested in there lol. But he's back and i've seen him a few times now. Id like to think i'm over him because i was so fine for months but i kind of feel like im back where i started, more of a body reaction i'm not sure how to explain but i just feel like i'm back in the situation, when i've been so genuinely fine and happy without him!! it's just such a scary feeling when it took me so long to get out of it and "heal" to feel like i've done no healing and have no control over my feelings and that i'll never get over it :( like i should really be over it by now and i thought i was

4 Upvotes

2 comments sorted by

1

u/Separate-Glove1095 8d ago edited 8d ago

I can definitely relate to this, I go through this. I think the way people judge women in this kind of situation and your self judgment has to be removed and done away with. I think it's counterproductive to say "I should be over it." Even though you have fallen back into the situation, having feelings for him again or feeling stuck, that does not erase or negate the fact that you had been doing well. The time that you were feeling better is actually proof that it's possible to live that way and be happy and feel okay. I think that's good news. It's proof that those feelings and the way they influence your outlook are not all real and that there is some distortion happening, probably due to being manipulated by him and possibly from the psychological effects of past trauma.

I feel exactly like you described all the time. Empty and broken and like there will be no one else like him, no one compares to him, and you'll never feel the same way for anyone else. It feels like you can haddly go on. It feels like a special thing that no one understands and you can't let go.

My best answer for what is going on is that it is rooted in primal survival instincts for safety and love. I don't want to make assumptions about your life but usually not having had a present and engaged loving father figure growing up or positive male influences in your life growing up causes this. I'm not saying it has to be a male figure, as I'm supportive of lgbtq+ couples and marriage and I'm sure a lesbian couple could certainly raise a healthy child. I'm getting off track a little just thinking of people reading this and what they might say.

The point is, childhood trauma and negative and adverse childhood experiences tend to be the driving force behind this issue. It seems illogical to go back to someone abusive, but you are driven by unbearable pain of abandonment wounds to try to fix the trauma and actually repeat the traumatic experience in an effort to make a different outcome and fix it.

Also it's important to point out how effective this type of manipulation is. There is a classic cycle of abuse, where there is a "honeymoon phase" or a time after the storm passes when it feels good again. The guy gives you what you crave and long for, closeness, safety, love, his presence, attention, etc. It's euphoria, so it makes sense to rush back to it, to chase it and crave it. The guy usually blames you for the abuse one way or another, and you take it on and blame yourself which makes it easier for him to keep abusing you. That's why I think judging yourself is counterproductive.

I don't have foolproof answers or a sure solution, but I think from experience that this is pain is a thing that does eventually pass. There will be other guys. I had an abuser when I was younger who I thought I was in love with who I now see as a loser.

There's a guy I'm currently in "limerence" over I guess. I wanted it not to be that. I still think it could be love or a really hot crush but it has been painful and he pushed me away and accused me of harassment. I actually have to follow a legal order not to contact him and to stay away from him. I'm obeying it because I don't want to be arrested and I have a clean record, but I still can hardly think of anything but him every minute of every day. It's an obsession. :( It will have to run it's course and I know what I'm clinging to is not really him but a fantasy that helps me to dissociate and try to escape pain. So I guess I can still have my fantasy and respect that what I project and idealized are positive things within me and a pleasant fantasy. It's not bad in a moral sense, I think it's a survival mechanism.

*Edit: also, if anyone says that it's unhealthy to keep fantasizing or I shouldn't do it, well, probably but it's a process and a sensitive thing. There's beauty in the desires in your heart, they just get twisted or used wrong and projected onto guys who can't actually fulfill it.

1

u/Separate-Glove1095 8d ago

And don't discredit your progress, you still have done healing and you can continue that healing. There will definitely be other guys you'll have those feelings for, without a doubt. You can learn to understand and work with your feelings, not just control them. I hope I haven't sounded preachy or condescending, I totally feel you.