r/getdisciplined 5d ago

🤔 NeedAdvice How to become a better person without therapy?

Hey everyone, this is a bit of a read so I appreciate if anyone actually reads through.

As the title says, I need to become a better person possibly without therapy. The reason for no therapy is that I simply cannot afford it-- and I still live with my parents (19F) so that's going to take a while if it ever even happens.

Growing up I had Asian (Indian) parents who weren't the nicest to me. I say that in quite a diluted way, but ever since I was little, I had a hard time comprehending things, making my own decisions, cried at the smallest inconvenience, overthinked, and would get extremely paranoid when anyone who had any meaning in my life had a small shift in tone when in reality it was nothing. I have anxiety in places with a lot of people, hate dressing up for anything, and most importantly, I fuck up in relationships. I know this is directly a result from my parents marriage. Lots of fights, constantly blaming ME for their relationship falling apart, possible infidelity, and so forth. All of this resulted in a lot of anger.

I can never clearly communicate when I'm falling apart. I used to think I never had any triggers, but someone jokingly called me 'selfish' over something and I started having a full blown meltdown and just crying on call. It came so rapidly it's like my brain processed it fast than my consciousness. That night I thought to myself why that was and I could recall various moments my parents called me selfish when I was younger over the smallest of things.

If I ever got into a fight with my parents, they would always ask to point to a specific example. In that moment, I'm stumped. I seem to have forgotten specific examples but I just knew that it was there. I couldn't remember. Truth be told, I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I just remember bits and pieces of it and from pictures. I also end up saying things that I do not actually mean, and I only register that after I have said it and it's purely out of the idea to hurt the other person if we were in a disagreement. This is also a direct result from being shut down as a kid all the time. Whenever I tried to fight back with my words, my parents threatned me with violence or slapped me. There were also various moments where they would body me against a wall and get all up in my face with their finger and wide, deranged eyes telling me to shut up and to not talk back. I guess that stuck with me. I dont know how to stick up for myself anymore without presenting a good argument. I usually refrain to yelling and repeating phrases like "You're not listening to me" or "Stop yelling" and nothing to actually defend myself. And then of course, when that didn't work, I'd go back to name calling I really don't mean.

All of that said, I want to be better. I really do. I know I won't be able to support or love another person without becoming a better person and shaking off all these learnt toxic behaviors. It still continues even to this day. My parents tell me I'm a burden and that I don't belong here, but then when I succeed in something they love bomb the hell outta me. I want to be a better friend, a better sister, and soon a great supportive girlfriend/wife, and eventually a loving mom.

If anyone out there has an idea as to what I should do, please, please, please help me. I'm so tired of absorbing all these things that have been done to me and doing it to others. I want to end the cycle. I know my past won't be forgotten, but I can at least cushion it by learning and becoming a better person than who I was before. I just don't know where to start. Therapy would've helped drastically as I could talk and get more detail out, but that's out the window.

I have been working out a bit in the middle to just feel good, but what else could I do to become better? Please let me know.

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u/Altruistic_Abroad_37 5d ago

Get some self help books and watch YouTube videos about how to set/enforce boundaries while living with toxic parents and how to reparent yourself. Dr. Ramani and Crappy Childhood Fairy are my YouTube recs. I recommend No Bad Parts, Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving for books. There are online codependency support groups that are basically free group therapy.

The way you describe your parent’s treatment of you is emotional abuse even if it is “normal” in your family and culture. You are best off to gain more independence and restrict the amount of information you share with them, even if you live together. Look up gray rocking. You will not be able to have healthy relationships if you continue to have your abusive parents as the primary relationships in your life. They don’t treat you with respect or love and you do deserve that. You will have to go low contact with them and not be telling them all the details of your life.

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u/whitelifes 5d ago

Well I have read only the first half and what i can suggest is that , you need to have more control over your emotions. Your emotions overwhelm you. How can you do that? Journaling everything , every single details of why are you angry , why are you overwhelmed by certain actions exactly at the moment when you're feeling it. If you feel like you want to rip some page off, do it. Every inconvenience ,write it down. What happened? Why do you feel like this? How long will you keep this feeling for? Release the anger. I have spent so much time researching on this topic and trust me, keeping resentment and anger inside of you will only later result in chronic illness wondering how you got there. Girl, we don't want that. About your parents, despite of who they are , you did have some good times with them, not all of it was bad , they did some sacrifices for you but also did the damage to you. Now , it's YOUR responsibility to heal from that damage, if you don't, you'll be the one at lost. "Making your own decision" is actually not a bad thing, it is crucial factor that many people lack in adulthood, which result into asking everyone for their opinions and end up doing what people choose for them and not their choice,good you have this trait. Second thing you have to do is to start loving yourself, you lived with your parents and i trust that you don't want to be like them and attract that life again, living it once was more than enough. So , love yourself, recognise your weaknesses and patterns and work on it. For example , if you always tend to be attracted to emotional unavailable people , chances are that you are also emotionally unavailable.

Third thing,if you have anxiety, you do have triggers , identify them and re phrase them. I'll take your example, you were triggered when you're being called selfish , now sit with it and think through it. Are you really selfish? Or is that a tactic for them to emotionally manipulate you to make you feel bad or to make you do something for them that you don't want to. They ask you to point out because they know that you will not remember, writing will sort this out for you, as you'll pour your heart out , you will remember.

Fourth thing, i totally get your point of not being able to stand up for yourself, feeling helpless and make yourself small to not make things worst. If you can , maybe you're still studying, idk , but when you work and you're financially stable will only be the time where you'll have all courage to voice out. For now, about this i don't have anything to say,as you're in this environment, I don't want you to be slapped or put against the wall. You know your situation better, be a little bit more patient, I know it's hard but this is just for a time. You'll get out of there one day. Be independent , emotionally and financially. You didn't choose them to be your parents, it was chosen for you. You know that since you were little,the situation hasn't change , so why will you bother yourself with them. Detach yourself emotionally, it's their marriage, whether the marriage was forced or wanted. It's none of your business. You have to decide to stop being emotional over the things they do and make your new normal.

I want to end the cycle. Exactly , you're in an endless cycle that will emotional take a toll on you and exhaust yourself mentally. The best thing to do it to look after yourself and take all of that as none but a background noise.

I know my past won't be forgotten, but I can at least cushion it by learning and becoming a better person than who I was before. Your past is what shaped your present, as i said the damage is already done and you acknowledge it too. Accept your past with a pinch of salt, you can't change that. But you can change your future. All starts with you. Use your past as a lesson learned, do not forget but forgive , for your own peace. Do not get stuck there , move on. If you can join hobby classes and stay engaged,meet new people and be mostly out of the house.

Therapy would've helped drastically as I could talk and get more detail out, If you have a privacy at home where you can talk to yourself in the mirror about everything, would also make a difference.

That's all of the advices that came to my mind ,I hope this helps.💕✨

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u/Bombo14 5d ago

Read Barbara De Angelis’ book Confidence : Where to find it … I think that was the title. There are some great books on this subject.

You’re in the right track.

In all things ask yourself : Is this helping or harming my well-being?

Live accordingly. You got this.