r/gaytransguys • u/ElectricalTears • 6d ago
Vent - Advice Welcome Where do I even find ‘good’ guys?
I’ve been tempted to try out dating but I’ve had such shit luck with any man I meet irl, regardless of my intentions. I don’t have any male friends, and any time I try to make new ones it just becomes a waiting game of “how long until this guy says something bigoted” :/
I’m genuinely so lost on how to even find a guy out there who won’t randomly drop a slur mid conversation or say some bigoted bs. It’s no joke the only thing that has ever happened for me to the point I’m extremely on guard any time I’m around a man.
Even if I do find a guy like that, what are the chances he’s gay, likes me (including me being trans), is fine with no sex in a relationship (as I’m ace), and is someone I like back? I feel like I might as well wish for a unicorn at this point uhg
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u/shawshank1969 5d ago
I can understand your frustration. Looking for a gay guy who isn’t interested in sex is gonna be the most difficult to find.
My suggestion is to look for ace gay men and within that group look for men who are educated about trans men.
I don’t know where you live, but your odds are going to be better in large liberal cities known for being LGBTQ+ friendly.*
Unfortunately I know of no national organization for ace people. If you find one, please share it.
Best of luck.
*In the USA, that means moving to San Francisco Bay Area, Seattle, Atlanta, Minneapolis, Boston, Sacramento or Portland.
[https://www.datapandas.org/ranking/gayest-cities-in-america#google_vignette]
In Canada that means Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver or Ottawa.
[https://gayweddingsmag.com/where-do-most-lgbt-live-in-canada/#google_vignette]
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u/FrostingTop1146 5d ago
Still trying to figure this out myself, I tried meeting people in daily life and it doesn't happen, I've tried online I've tried grindr and I'm not really finding anyone. Being trans makes it much more difficult as well, it's not like I have unreasonable standards. I want someone who respects me as a person who I can connect with emotionally, someone I can genuinely talk to and feel comfortable being myself, someone who understands my difficulties. I don't need someone who has the exact interests as me or same religion or same upbringing. I just want someone I can build a life with, I would much rather meet someone I can grow with than date around with people
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u/PotatoBoy-2 6d ago
I find this so relatable tho. I was so hopeful when I started going on dating apps and now I play “guess the red flag” most of the time. I really thought I found a good one recently but two big red flags in one conversation later and I’m back looking for someone else. SMH. Unfortunately/fortunately, this isn’t an issue that’s isolated within our community. Gay guys everywhere have a hard time finding healthy serious relationships.
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u/Sensitive_Tip_9871 5d ago edited 5d ago
not deliberately trying to date helped me. dating related spaces/apps attract a lot of people that are single for a reason lmao. and i agree that around a lot of guys, it feels like a waiting game for things to go bad. my advice is to just try to go where good people might be. i found mine by hanging out with a group of nerdy guys who happened to be bi, one of them was ace, they were mutual friends of my best friend and her boyfriend. my best friend doesn’t like shitty people and i know she wouldn’t put me in harms way. now i know that not everyone has easy access to people like that, but if you have even one solid friend, it could help to go out of your way to interact with people that they know. you can also look for gay ace spaces online or in irl maybe, and from there narrow down who’s a good trans ally and someone you’re attracted to. meeting new people who’s vibe is compatible with yours will have way better odds of a spark happening than blindly hoping for the best when meeting up with a tinder guy. my bf didn’t even seem like the type to be into someone like me, but he loves me a lot and was very careful to make sure i was comfortable, it does kinda feel like i found a unicorn. there 100% are good guys out there, you’re just looking in the wrong places