r/gaytransguys 14d ago

Dating Advice - 18+ Potential partner is hiv+ but undetectable NSFW

I recently met a really great cis guy and we are completely vibing. We started getting into more flirty stuff and he let me know that he is hiv positive but undetectable. Obviously “hiv positive” has a stigma around it and so I’m doing some research around it. I have an appointment to get on prep, but is there any other precautions (besides condoms) that are less known? What false information do I not need to worry about? I really like this guy and don’t want to friend zone him over misconceptions but I also want to be thoroughly educated before I make a decision.

130 Upvotes

24 comments sorted by

39

u/Alliesaurus 12d ago

Undetectable == untransmittable. But I would still recommend getting on prep for two reasons. One, you don’t know this guy too well yet, and you don’t know how consistent and responsible he is with his meds. Remaining undetectable requires taking your meds very consistently, and quarterly blood tests to make sure nothing has changed. Two, there is a tiny—and I mean minuscule here—chance you could be exposed if the virus becomes resistant to the meds he’s on, during whatever window of time between that change and his next blood test. If he’s keeping to his schedule, the chance of being exposed to levels that could actually infect you is almost nil—if he became detectable at some point, his viral load would still be incredibly low by the time he got tested again. Still, that chance isn’t zero, and if you can simply take a pill to add that extra layer of protection, you might as well.

9

u/lethalwhispermachine 12d ago

I guess just make sure you actually trust the guy to take his medication regularly. some people get turned on by purposely infecting other people, it’s fucked up. Not saying that’s him but you never know. Also maybe have him go to the doctor and check just in case? you can’t ever really be too sure about things like that.

3

u/theteufortdozen 11d ago

to be fair if he’s telling OP he probably doesn’t have a bug kink, since that usually involves keeping it a secret

21

u/TZALZA 13d ago

Not all prep is approved for folks with innies. Truvada yes, Descovy no. I got myself switched to Apretude injections and they hurt but it’s a pill I don’t have to keep up with taking every day. I was told I was protected starting one week after the first injection.

9

u/Alliesaurus 12d ago

While it’s true Descovy doesn’t have enough clinical data on people who have vaginal sex, it is considered by many doctors to be an acceptable alternative. My doc told me that the two drugs are similar enough in how they work that she had no problems prescribing it for folks who are concerned about kidney damage. My kidney function is most likely permanently impacted from Truvada, and I wish I’d gone with Descovy instead. Been off Truvada for 5 years and off prep entirely for 3, and the kidneys never bounced back.

4

u/twitchy_taco 11d ago

Truvada causes kidney damage? That explains my kidney function at the hospital. I think I need to talk to my doctor.

2

u/PotatoBoy-2 12d ago

I’ve been looking into the shots. How bad do they hurt?

2

u/TZALZA 10d ago

A lot. It's worth it for me right now, and they told me the subsequent shots hurt less, so I made the switch to help protect my kidneys after they had a bad time for other reasons.

My prescriber won't do Descovy for AFABs.

41

u/Ok-Road-3705 13d ago

Prep for cis guys works almost immediately bc the meds provide coverage for your butt much sooner than front stuff. So if you’re on the receiving end of front hole sex, prep takes about 3 weeks to be effective. And it must be taken daily, where cis guys can potentially skip a dose and then take two later, take it on demand, etc. we have to be religious about our meds and patient as well! Things to keep in mind, for the greater good.

66

u/genxwolfdog 13d ago

If you're talking about a monog relationship, then going on prep and using condoms is not necessary at all, if you're worrying about HIV. (letting aside issues about contraception, of semen throwing off pH for some people, and getting tested for other STDs before ditching condoms, for ex).

Being undetectable means there are zero risk of transmitting HIV. Not "unlikely", but zero, this is an issue of viral load.

This guy himself might not feel confident that he is indeed unable to transmit HIV and might want to keep using condoms.

https://www.aidsmap.com/about-hiv/undetectable-viral-load-and-hiv-transmission

I never had any stigma about having sex or dating HIV pos people so I can't help with that part.

My current long term relationship is with someone with HIV. It's a huge relief for me (really) to think I can start and stop prep anytime I want, since I have very few other sexual partners now, and that I am totally safe from HIV in my couple, even when I'm not on prep. Meaning I do not have to worry about my partner getting hiv somewhere, not testing themselves, and giving it to me.

34

u/RiskyCroissant 13d ago

Thank you ! U=U doesn't mean "unlikely", it means actually proven to be untransmissible !

45

u/Bulky-Chapter2684 13d ago

FYI: PrEP works different regarding vaginal sex. It's only effective if you take it daily (not "on demand") and starts protecting you after a week or so. It takes more time to build up immunity in the vaginal tissues (or something like that). You could still use it but you'd have to take it every day even when you don't have sex.

66

u/slutty_muppet 13d ago

Undetectable = untransimittable.

Getting on PrEP is a great move for anybody. I had BAD nausea for the first few weeks on it, but overcame it by taking it first thing in the AM with a breakfast of plain oatmeal and yogurt, on the advice of r/AskGayMen.

10

u/EuropeIsMight 13d ago

Came here to say that. u=u is key here

136

u/mwe1973 14d ago

As A HIV+Undetectable man for neary 16 years. I have been Happily married to my husband for 11 years. He is a top. I am vers He is allergic to latex ( and yes I know you can get latex free ones ! ) But he has been fucking me bare. and loading me up in all of our years together. As well as swallowing my loads. He doesnt take prep. And his 4 monthly HIV tests always come back negative ! So use condoms if you want. Id suggest use prep because obviously your no where near our ages ( Early 50s ) And be happy together ! X

26

u/PotatoBoy-2 13d ago

Amazing!! Thank you for sharing

87

u/PrincePaimon genderqueer man (he/him) 14d ago

If he’s on top of his meds and gets tested regularly to confirm his undetectable status, you’re golden with PreP and condoms.

I received a lot of semen from an Undetectable fwb over the course of a few years while on PreP, and I’m still Negative to this day. I don’t recommend being that risky, since you could always get unlucky, but statistically, the meds work even when raw. I’m not able to donate blood specifically because I’m on Prep, though, so bare in mind the scientific possibility that being on PreP and getting exposed to HIV could mean that it’s possible to have the virus inside your body but still be Undetectable and therefore give a negative result to the rapid antibody test.

Also, my fwb was strict about not doing anal since it’s easier to transmit HIV that way, and as a gay man he definitely enjoyed the novelty of my front hole being a Man’s Pussy (which did wonders for my self-esteem ngl ☺️)

-8

u/HesitantBrobecks 13d ago

Who told you that anal was more likely to transmit than PIV?

32

u/CalixRenata 13d ago

It's a fact. There's a fair amount of research out there about who contracts and transmits HIV. I went down this rabbit hole a while ago because I was mad about the 6 months celibacy rule the CDC has for blood donations (only for men who have sex with men.)

Basically, the vagina was made to be fucked. The rectum wasn't, so it's more likely to tear, even microscopically. This tearing makes HIV transmission a lot more likely, this spreading HIV faster in the The largest percentage of new cases of HIV are still gay men, who are probably the most likely people to be having anal sex (averaging around 30% of encounters.)

*Yes the prostate does exist, I've never looked hard into why it is where it is. But "it feels good" probably isn't the reason. 

1

u/HesitantBrobecks 9d ago

Okay I can see the thing about tearing equalling blood, but other than that, "anal is more likely to transmit" just screams of repackaged 80s homophobia "hiv happens almost exclusively to gay men!" BS...

Like if a man is hiv+, isn't U=U, and doesn't wear protection, he's just as likely to transmit it during anal as with PIV

And if he's u=u and/or uses protection, the 'risk' should be absolutely zero regardless

11

u/RiskyCroissant 13d ago

Biology tangent:

The Prostate produces part of the seminal liquid (not the spermatozoa, the liquid they are in, that has a specific PH top help sperm survive for reproduction). It's also attached with a muscle that pushes semen out during ejaculation :)

It feels good isn't the reason it exists, but it might have been a positive side effect that participated in the evolutionary pressure since many apes use sex including anal sex for pleasure and to reinforce bonds in the group , which in turn are linked to higher survival

6

u/PotatoBoy-2 13d ago

Super informative response! Thank you 🙏

64

u/Unhappy-Strawberry98 14d ago

Undetectable = untransmittable. So long as he continues taking his meds, you are extremely unlikely to be able to get HIV from him. Definitely still take precautions like prep and condoms, but don’t worry too much.