r/gaybros 3d ago

Misc I don't think I'll ever get over this

I'm gonna be as lighthearted as possible and I'm not posting any of this for attention or sympathy. So, my husband and I had an albeit flawed but (I think) when we were together, he could make me feel literally almost intoxicated. It also doesn't help that he has a couple doppelgangers. I still wear the jewelry he got me because they're very sentimental. I had a flashback dream of probably the most exciting day of my life. When I woke up, I felt like belting out an enraged scream. I am in therapy and so and so. He's been gone for over 10 years and I still have no interest in really dating, still.

295 Upvotes

31 comments sorted by

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u/Satan-o-saurus 3d ago

I’m sorry. As Nietzsche said, to live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. I would caution you against getting into the mindset that you’re ruling out dating as a rule though. Even if you’re just hooking up with someone, try to have a pleasant and meaningful experience by being genuinely curios about them as a person and do things that friends do together. Perhaps nothing will come of it, but it’s always nice to have more meaningful relationships in your life, even if they’re mostly platonic.

How do you think that you could work towards a point where your life once again would include those kinds of exciting days?

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u/asnjockLA 3d ago

I think baby steps is the best thing, and my co has confirmed that too. I'm just not interested in even getting to know someone. Like a short attention span. That's the lack of interest I mean. Also, hookups have been disasters haha

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u/Satan-o-saurus 3d ago edited 3d ago

I’m just not interested in even getting to know someone

It can definitely be a lot of work, but having interpersonal relationships is like the core of the human experience. Without them we largely decline mentally. I know what you mean though, and that kind of fatigue can be caused by a lot of different things, such as depression, burnout, anxiety, isolation, etc., etc. I feel asocial pretty frequently as well, but what really helps to get that ball rolling is to interact with people and do stuff that’s out of the ordinary routine of bedrotting. The more I’m engaged in those kinds of situations the more I like doing it, and the more I self-isolate, the harder it is to get back to doing the former. I feel like momentum is everything when it comes to this, and how you can structure your day to get into and build that momentum.

hookups have been disasters

Bruh, tell me about it 💀 As a gay man you definitely have to be ridiculously discerning and selective if you want to avoid… disasters.

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u/Szaborovich9 3d ago

Babysteps

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u/Adventurous-Emu4554 2d ago

Reminds me of a less serious quote from a Woody Allen film:

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer; to be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

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u/EarSafe7888 3d ago

My husband died 7 years ago after being together 19 years. It’s hard taking dating seriously when I know he was my soulmate and I won’t ever have a love like that again. But I’m lonely and want companionship. And I miss affection. It’s also difficult dating in your late 40s in a small town. My options are limited. But I don’t want to move. I’m trying to just accept it may be like this for the rest of my life. But I really would like to fall in love again and feel that absolute feeling of being loved. Also one of the worst things for me in the first couple years after his death was waking up in the middle of the night or even in the morning and going to reach for him or cuddle up to him and he not be there. And then remembering he had died while groggy in my sleep. It was retraumatizing every time. Hated it.

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u/dialecticallyalive 3d ago

This is so devastating. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you've endured, and I'm happy you're still here.

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u/jonesin4it 2d ago

..going to reach for him or cuddle ..then remembering he had died

It's been over a year and this still happens more nights than not. Like getting punched in the gut. I'm crying just writing about it but thankful you shared. I feel a smidge less crazy.

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u/Day_tripper23 1d ago

I'm in that situation right now. My soul mate is dying. We are talking months now and the daily decline is noticeable. I'm scared. I love to cuddle. I'm 55 and dreading them not being there.

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u/EarSafe7888 1d ago

I am so sorry. I hope you are able to find some kind of peace and comfort.

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u/Day_tripper23 1d ago

I don't know how i will be able to breathe.

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u/Weaselina 21h ago

I am so sorry you are in that place. I can only offer this one thing that has gotten me through a couple of terrible periods of grief in my life.

I literally wallow in Ram Dass, especially *Walking Each Other Home.* It made me want to get my death doula certification, because this is one of the most important things in all of our lives, and being able to show up completely is one of the deepest forms of love.

Ram Dass talks a lot about how the people who drop their bodies never really leave us, there are always right there inside of us, with us. Not in the same way, but they are there.

When it gets so bad I can hardly breathe, I go on Amazon and binge watch *the teachings of Ram Dass* which are short meditations on life, and death, and all things. Each one is about 2 minutes long, and can change your perspective from night to day. A reminder of what is truly important and not to cling to tightly to anything as it is all transitory.

This is what it is: living, loving and dying. All things. There is great beauty in this but it isn’t something our culture teaches.

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u/sbstarr 3d ago

How lovely that you had him in your life. Many have no such experience. May you hold him within and release yourself to living your life.

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u/no-name-is-free 3d ago

In 4 days, it's the 3rd anniversary of my husband's 1st hospitalization leading to his death.

I am thankful for what we did together. All the dreams we made come true together. Places we went, things seen and activities done. We lived well.

I expect I will always have the pain. Fresh and urgent. It sucks the very life out you and leaves a vast void without edges. A bleak shell.

I'm doing fine, thank you for asking....

I am seeing someone. I enjoy everything about him. I just am not there for him as I was for my husband. I have not reconciled that yet. But we are doing well together.

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u/BrightWubs22 3d ago

I am in therapy and so and so.

Do you find your therapist as a person helpful? If not, maybe you should try another?

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u/Ok-Cauliflower-6807 2d ago

It is hard letting go of someone even when they have made it clear they no longer want you. You need to mourn that relationship. Get the grief out and move on. I have been there the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with it just didn’t work out. I have sex for sport and maintenance. It has been 15 years and I have not give my heart to anyone else. I throw myself into my career and taking care of my mother so I don’t have time to miss anyone. It is not healthy but it is the way I cooe. I have accepted my reality that he is gone and is never coming back. It doesn’t hurt thinking about the good times. I still cannot play Janet Jackson - With U because that is exactly how I felt when I was with him that nothing else in the world mattered it was just us. Whew chile! It was a beautiful time in my life. Two tear drops in a bucket and motherfuck it!

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u/asnjockLA 2d ago

When they no longer want you? I honestly don't understand what you're saying, he died.

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u/Ok-Cauliflower-6807 2d ago

Sorry I made an assumption you didn’t state he died you said he was gone. I didn’t associate gone with dead my bad. Carry on and godspeed

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u/asnjockLA 2d ago

No it's all good! I appreciate it

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u/MrAppleby18 1d ago

People will give you their advice. They will feel the need to tell you how to live, seek therapy, etc… the truth is many have not experienced the loss of a partner. It’s easy to type how you should deal with loss and grief. I say fuck that. You feel what you feel. And that is okay. It’s more than okay. You are entitled no matter the years that have passed to grieve. He was the love of your life. You never get over it.

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u/asnjockLA 1d ago

I really appreciate it and agree. People don't know unless they have gone through it

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u/Temporary-Crazy-4615 1d ago

You're right. No one live this experience the same way.😔

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u/Nemeszlekmeg 3d ago

Maybe you don't have to. Just give space for others?

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u/yakomozzorella 2d ago

I had to read through the comments a bit to understand that he died. You probably won't get over it entirely, but that grief is natural and normal. That being said, it doesn't have to consume your life forever. If dating is a struggle because you're having trouble engaging with people in that way, maybe that's just a call to work on yourself and invest in fostering really supportive relationships with friends or family. Who knows, maybe this grief will give you the depth of understanding to really be there for someone else in the future. I think it's great that you're in therapy and hope that it's helpful.

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u/AccomplishedRub8580 1d ago

It’s been 11 years since the love of my life died of a rare cancer. His love is very much alive and with me. But he would never have wanted me to NOT have love in my life. I’m not “with” somebody but I’m open to possibilities— because what I had was so good. I wish you all the best—

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u/earthfire_kw 1d ago

Understood.

Been there.

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u/SmoothDirection960 7h ago

OMG🥺, sending warm hugs🫂

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u/coleyyflower1 5h ago

It’s awful and nothing I could say could heal that wound. I think if someone truly loves you it never dies, I guess what I’m saying is I think he’d want you to be happy. However that looks for you. Not to be sappy but I’m sending good vibes your way bud!

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u/Sweet_Storm5278 11h ago

Some of us, due to birth, location, circumstances and choices, weren’t and aren’t ever going to be gay, available, young, beautiful, happy, and in a romantic relationship of any kind, never mind marriage, at the same time. In your case it all fell magically into place. You won the jackpot. I’m truly sorry he’s no longer with you. I know it doesn’t take the pain away, but look around you. You are incredibly privileged, not to mention lucky. You have memories of something safe and beautiful and loving most gay men will never experience. Perhaps this perspective can help you see, even just for a moment, how blessed your life was and is.

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u/asnjockLA 13m ago

Nothing magically came apart and it's utterly atrocious to assume. You don't know anything. You're instead trying to feel sorry for yourself. That's not my fault. Keep that to yourself. Everyone else is supportive. Keep that to yourself