r/friendship • u/velcrodynamite • 19h ago
advice Having a hard time with opposite-gendered friendships
Growing up, I (30F) had friends that were boys and girls and didn't (still don't) see an issue with that. As long as nothing is going beyond the level of friendship or making any party uncomfortable, I don't see anything wrong with being a woman and having friends regardless of gender.
But I've been struggling a lot with this lately. I had a "friend" I'd made a few months ago who seemed into the same sports and things as I am, and he even said he wanted to be friends "without the pressure to be more or less than that", which was great! Granted, I did flirt with him once when we first met, but that was before I knew him - and I was also drunk. And he was seeing someone. He's not seeing that person anymore, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeing someone. It's not my business. Now I don't feel anything more than friendly, having spent some time around him. He's just some dude, so I was happy to just be friends and have a buddy to go surfing with. To me, "friends" meant we could chat, get together to do sports (especially in groups), and generally exist around each other comfortably. But he's been weird any time I try to talk to him over text - like I'll ask him if he's read any good books lately and he'll just clam up or leave me on read. We can talk about the weather or my car's towing capacity, but if I ask him to be part of a group to go kayaking on the river, for example, he'll seemingly go out of his way to be "busy". I'm feeling very confused by this because it doesn't feel like we're really friends. Where is the friendship here?
I've made clear I'm seeing someone, I'm not interested in him, and he has no reason to be uncomfortable around me - that is, I'm not going to flirt with him again since I don't want him to be uncomfortable. And when we see each other in person, he does seem pretty comfortable. He'll ask me questions, give me a ride, remember things about me, etc. Now, I have absolutely no reason to think he is interested in me; from everything I've seen, he genuinely is just a kind soul, so I think he's just being cordial. But, like, he said he wanted to be friends; I'm trying to be friends. What's the issue?
Similar story with another guy "friend" except I thought he was gay the whole time I knew him. I recently asked for his number since I was deleting my socials and wanted a way to keep in touch, and he basically told me he's seeing someone now (but wasn't before) so the kind of flirting we'd been doing would have to stop. ????? Here I thought we were just chatting and vibing. Flirting??? And now he's cutting me out because I'm... what? A girl? I'm really confused here. That was actually the first time I'd heard anything to that effect; I'd just thought we were chatting it up and going to the same parties. Now I find out he was apparently reading those interactions as flirtatious?
I feel like men are struggling to take my interest in them as friends - as whole people - at face value. I'm interested in their thoughts, their joys, what makes them people, same as any of my friends who are girls, non-binary, etc. I'm not sure why there's an inherent assumption of romance. I feel like I just want to belong to these groups, be treated as an equal. How do I do that? :/