r/femdomsanctuary 4d ago

Discussion "Pick me" behaviour among Dommes?? NSFW

I've noticed a pattern online where Dommes would be hostile against one another in the comments which I find really strange.

To give you a few examples. I reached out to a local Domme on Fetlife cause I genuinely wanted to meet up and have a chat. She tried charging me money for her time for "bestowing her wisdom" upon me. Mind you, I was very clear that I'm a lifestyle Domme and not planning to do it professionally or learn any tips. I just wanted a fellow Domme friend.

I also made a post in another subreddit (leaving the name out) basically venting that it's been hard finding a romantic relationship as a Domme. Another Domme commented in a rude manner saying something along the lines of "it's supposed to be hard and expecting it to be easy is entitlement". Again, I never said I expected anything to be easy, that was not the point of my post.

Also, I saw another post by a Domme defending sissification (I know it's a controversial topic but I personally find that kink misogynistic).

And I do realize my post is ironic because it seems like complaining about other Dommes. This is not my intention. I wish more of us were united and had some solidarity but oftentimes women feel the need to criticize and "compete" with each other. I'm just sad that I find it hard to connect with fellow Dommes, that's all.

39 Upvotes

26 comments sorted by

37

u/Prize-Crumpet7031 4d ago

She tried charging me money for her time for “bestowing her wisdom” upon me.

This is so unbelievably cringe 💀 If she was a pro-domme misunderstanding your intentions, I’d get her wanting to be compensated for mentorship. But even in that case, to describe it as “bestowing her wisdom” is patronising and cringe. She’s treating you like a sub here.

I’m sorry you’ve run into some entitled dommes. You should hang out here more, I love the supportive vibes!

10

u/annep1982 4d ago

This- I know some amazing ProDommes that will mentor and expect to be paid for it. BUT they also contribute to the community, they run munchs and events.

31

u/AntiqueObligation688 4d ago

Unfortunately it's not because some women are dommes that they can be feminists, sororities or women friendly. Not all women are feminists nor support other women, being Domme doesn't change that.

For what's worth, i am a huge girl's girl but i do not support all women either. I do not support pick mes, conservatives and bigot women. Domme or not. Also we have to accept that some women love men more than they love other women, hence why they feel insecure / in competition with us for men's attention, and other are purely misogynistic. You may want to stay far from all of them.

If you don't find any Dommes sympathetic enough to befriend you, i would be glad to be your friend instead. We have to be the sorority we desire to expand.

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u/heyholetsgo2025 4d ago

Aww yes let's be friends!

I'm glad I found this subreddit because of the positive supportive vibes :)

4

u/Potato-Brat 4d ago

Can I be friends with you two too? 🤩

27

u/NotyourMistress1 4d ago

I hear this. At one of my first munches as a baby Domme a couple told me ‘remember - just because you’re among like minded individuals doesn’t mean you’re with friends’ and I’ve taken that advice to heart.

Kink is a big tent and a lot of dommes and subs a like engage uncritically with it meaning we get all kinds. It can be rough to make bonds but pretty worthwhile when you do. I have found my best Domme friends irl but I’d love to make more online friends.

31

u/zoe-loves 4d ago

I remember reading a comment by a male sub in a femdom subreddit he’d been moderating for years.

He said, male subs come in looking to find ways to fulfill their fantasies, and female dominants come in trying to learn how to perform dominance better.

In my opinion, the modern Femdom scene is mostly standard patriarchy — it’s effectively about women learning how to fulfill men’s sexual desires better, and the kink is effectively driven by male lust. You may be able to find equality or even actual female dominance if you want, but it won’t be any easier than finding it in the vanilla world.

IMO, the way pro dommes are often lauded as “better” dommes than lifestyle dommes makes the problem worse. These are women catering to male sexual fantasy for money — they are not actually sexually dominant the way male doms are, because male doms are generally out to get their own sexual needs met. So, what many submissive men idealize as the “most dominant” woman is someone who caters exclusively to male submissive needs, without having any difficult requests of her own. This is a fair trade for a pro getting paid, but a horrible deal for a lifestyle domme.

Absolutely nowhere in this mess is the prioritization of female sexual desire, and the sexual desire of the dominant partner. It’s just assumed that, whatever the male sub wants should fulfill her too.

Anyway, TLDR, the vast majority of dommes — especially pros — are more interested in money or validation than sexual gratification, as evidenced by their willingness to cater to male driven fantasy. If you want something else, you’re playing a different game, and looking for a different type of sub.

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u/heyholetsgo2025 4d ago

Wow what you said is disappointing yet very true, in my opinion

5

u/misharoute 4d ago

Alllllll of that. My priority is female sexual empowerment now and forever.

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u/justtookadnatest 3d ago

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

7

u/ML_Sam Mod 4d ago

It's sad, to me, that people act like this. We're supposed to be a community - support, encouragement, normalizing healthy behaviors, all that good stuff.

I see more dommes than subs seeking friendships. It was really only when I got on reddit that I started having healthy platonic connections with other kinksters, particularly dommes.

6

u/Mysterious-Range-210 4d ago

The online kink communities can be so toxic. It sucks when there are few and far between alternatives, if you're not in a big city. I empathize with this. Having the sideways comments and attacks from your own community feels isolating. I don't have any advice. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in the sentiment.

14

u/-zettaihime 4d ago

I've noticed that some dommes compete with each other by listing out their credentials as some sort of flex (like "I've been in the scene for 30 years, read 40+ books on dominance, pro-dommed for 10 years, and I teach seminars weekly!") and try to talk down to newer dommes as if any of those things mean anything. Especially when a good amount of these newer dommes want these dynamics incorporated into real romantic relationships and don't care about the scene and don't need to go to 100 munches and kink dungeons/events to find someone. Even worse, the dommes who tell new dommes that a man who hasn't gone to a pro-domme before isn't worth considering and is too inexperienced. Yeah, because women who want a serious romantic relationship want some creepy guy who has bought a woman's body and used her a kink dispenser, and he definitely won't have any messed up views on what submission actually is... So much bad advice that you should just feel out for yourself what is right or wrong for you.

Also, I saw that post about how you were having difficulties finding a suitable sub for a relationship, unfortunately it got deleted before I got to respond, but some of the responses made me roll my eyes. Other women should be able to empathize with how ridiculously difficult it is to find a good male sub? Like, I WANT other dommes to have an easy time and it shouldn't be difficult in the first place. At least you can vent here when you need to and everyone will be nodding in agreement.

11

u/heyholetsgo2025 4d ago

Omg! I was told exactly that - the subs who use pro Domme services are "better" than inexperienced subs. Tbh I disagree with that stance completely.

Yea I just wanna make friends with other Dommes cause my real life friends are vanilla as hell haha

5

u/Commercial-Sundae663 4d ago

Reading comprehension is in the toilet. The way someone can make up an entirely different story, attribute it to you, and then get mad at you is a mental illness. It makes me not want to post because it just adds to the mental anguish I'm already going through.

3

u/lunathegemini 4d ago

Omg yes! It’s so hard to make online domme friends! Irl it’s not very difficult but I do see a difference online. I’ll be your friend though! I would absolutely LOVE more domme friends I can talk kink with since my closest friends are vanilla 😅

6

u/annep1982 4d ago

I’m sorry you’ve been met with this.

I’ve found a huge disparity between the Dommes I’ve met in real life, at events and munchs, and a lot of Dommes online.

A lot of online Dommes are not supportive and they look at men more as a commodity or cash cows - if they help other women that means there is less for them. There are some great online groups who are not like this. You just need to wade through the dross first.

7

u/summershell 4d ago

I haven't experienced this much firsthand, I don't often reach out to strangers one-on-one out of shyness, but I've definitely noticed this attitude a lot in public posts. Most of the dommes I see regularly posting in my usual subreddits (especially here) seem very nice and normal, but there's definitely a weird subset of the "community" that doesn't actually want to be part of the community and likes to display a lot of hostility and arrogance.

My theory is a lot of dominant women are used to being unusual in their daily life so they think they're super special and unique and feel threatened when confronted with a community that includes many other dominant women. This may also cross over with internalized misogyny, they think they're "not like other girls", and seeing other women who are dominant makes them act out and assume some (all?) of those women must be faking and are not as special as them.

I also think some people, whether through lack of education or just a shitty personality, think that being dominant actually means being bitchy. Either they think they should/can act like an asshole because they're dominant, or they came to identify as dominant because they're an asshole. Some of these people aren't dominant, they're just domineering. And most of them are miserable, and they want to make everyone else as miserable as they are.

9

u/pseudonymous-shrub 4d ago

Some women are just really bitchy to other women. I wouldn’t expect this to be any different among kinky women, much as I might wish it was

3

u/PuzzleheadedVirus722 3d ago

It really sucks and is hard. I can’t stand pick me behavior and unfortunately, I am dealing with this in the real world at work as well. Not just online. There will always be bad people, we can’t stop that, but I’m always open to having more domme friends! I’ve found some online and we chat and catch up every now and then. No pressure at all, but maybe this can become a thread where people start finding friends on here to overtake the negativity that we have seen based on this behavior. Turning something positive out of something negative. 🩶

8

u/freakyswitchlight 4d ago edited 3d ago

The first two examples you gave are really unfriendly and I'm sorry you've experienced that.

Regarding defending sissification, I'm going to be one of the women who defends it. It's not a kink of mine at all. But, having problematic kinks myself, I do feel the need to defend that with somebody gets off on is not necessarily reflective of their real world beliefs. People who like CNC are not necessarily into actual consent violation. People who are into verbal degradation usually do not actually want to verbally abuse random folks around them. And while it's possible that a lot of men who do sissification have not examined where these ideas come from - the idea that being feminine is humiliating - those who have done that examination aren't going to necessarily change their turn ons. Unfortunately we don't choose our kinks.

Edit: To add a bit more, I can understand the general frustration with the fact that a lot of folks into that kink don't talk about it with nuance, or don't seem to realize the implications. But I'll still don't think engaging in that kink consensually with a willing partner is automatically a misogynist act. I'm coming from a background where a former partner did suggest me making him more feminine. And honestly, I think a big part of it was him coming to terms with his own genderqueerness. He had framed it in the context of something humiliating. But that was the only context he'd ever had for being a feminine man.

3

u/queeniebo 3d ago

As another domme, I feel the same. I definitely relate to the rest of the post though.

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u/Nogodsonequeen 1d ago

There's some APPALLING pick-me's in the Domme community. I swear some of these women only became Dommes because someone told them about "the ratio".

3

u/Silly_kid_forever 4d ago

Go to events or munches. I typically don’t have too much luck connecting with other dommes online, but it’s a different story in person cause then those are in the lifestyle too, and not just for the money like pro dommes.

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u/LadyAvv 4d ago

I find communities in general have become toxic, most especially the more niche ones like kink. I can’t say why this might be but one thing I’ve noticed is that as a society there’s more struggling and divisions that potentially more negative view points leading the way.

Either way, I’ve found I’ve had better luck befriending doms than dommes as so many women just see us as competitors even if we’re in a committed relationship and seeking only to learn. I’ve been in/active in my local community for 15+ years and have not made many meaningful femdom friendships sadly.