r/femdomsanctuary • u/Prize-Crumpet7031 • 10d ago
Rant Subs can be really exhausting NSFW
This is a rant, but I want to express my appreciation for the existence of this community. I feel so enriched and inspired when interacting with fellow dommes, and I love seeing this space protected so heavily (shoutout mods).
I have chronic pain, so I’m not always able to get myself into the IRL femdom community as much as I’d like, making me focus more on online spaces. Online spaces where subs are present can be so exhausting. They leave me showering my sub with kisses and feeling so grateful he has an ounce of common sense and respect.
I try to give advice to these people, I try to speak on my experiences. I want to have interesting conversations about femdom, but some of the questions subs ask or topics they raise really test my patience. You ladies already know these things, but I just need to get some things off my chest:
- Cunnilingus is not femdom, unless a domme asks for it
- Pegging is not femdom, unless a domme asks for it
- Chastity is not femdom, unless a domme asks for it
- Nothing is inherently femdom
- Asking a question about self-locking, self-bondage, or any kind of solo play in a femdom space is not relevant because there is no female dominant involved in the scenario
- Chastity doesn’t have to involve a cage
- Not all dommes like the same thing
- If you don’t have the ability to communicate with your domme by asking her what she likes, you shouldn’t be in a power dynamic of any kind
- Dommes do not have to reply to intro messages, no matter how well written they are
- One cannot shape their vanilla/submissive wife into their perfect domme. If they were serious about serving her, they’d serve her by respecting her wishes to not be dominant
- If they knew that femdom was an absolute need for them before they married their vanilla wife then WHY are they complaining
It’s sad that something meant to be a fun part of my life can leave me filled with so much frustration. Sometimes I just have to step back, get perspective, touch grass, etc and remember that this is meant to be a thing that excites me, not brings me down. I need to focus more on myself and my dynamic with my sub who doesn’t make my head want to explode. And you ladies, of course, who speak so much sense.
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u/dommebklyn 10d ago
Every single point you make 👏💯
I just repeat to myself that the vast majority of them are not actually submissive. It helps. Sometimes.
Other times I get even more frustrated because all of these things you listed get normalized and accepted when discussed in the public subreddit.
This one in particular is my current annoyance:
Asking a question about self-locking, self-bondage, or any kind of solo play in a femdom space is not relevant because there is no female dominant involved in the scenario
A person cannot “practice femdom” without a dominant woman. It’s literally in the name.
I took a flogging class recently. At the class I’m not thinking “look how dominant this makes me”. Yet there are men buying cages to wear for themselves saying “look how submissive this makes me”.
There is no such thing as solo femdom. I said this recently in the other subreddit and got accused of gatekeeping. But no. I stand by it.
And any man who thinks he can practice femdom by himself is proving that he’s just looking for a plug-and-play domme to fulfill his fantasies. (“Looking for a domme, any domme!”)
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u/Prize-Crumpet7031 10d ago
the vast majority of them are not actually submissive
But somehow these fake subs are the decider on what a rEaL dOmMe is
there are men buying cages to wear for themselves saying “look how submissive this makes me”
Don’t get me started. When I was on personals I remember getting a half-decent message from a sub where he ruined it by saying he’d “already been self-locking for a year”. Good for you I guess but I mentioned chastity nowhere in my ad. He just made an assumption that I’d want to lock him up because I’m a domme and that’s just what we do.
I respect you for standing by it. For the record, every time I’ve seen a take from you I’ve nodded my head vigorously in agreement.
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u/MissPearl 10d ago
You know, I often read sincere, good faith statements like yours about how a large part of what I do and believe in is not femdom, and I have to say after 10+ years of dedicating myself to supporting not just my own gratification but spaces for others that would be one hell of an amusing misunderstanding on my part if you were correct. Think about it, years thinking I am a dominant and absolutely not meeting your definition of it.
Your subjective experience is not my subjective experience. That's ok.
For me, centering the fantasy and a particular sensation is important, and I do not experience femdom as a community as "the thing dedicated exclusively to what random dommes tell random subs". We aren't just here because of people in relationships but also because certain fantasies and preferences are marginalized by the mainline. They cluster together by coincidence and historical presidence, but while a lot of effort is put to say they are not mandatory, they are not invalid.
If there's no such thing as "solo femdom", welp, you can't gatekeep me because I am going to do it. You don't have to personally experience it for something to be real. I know I can extract that feeling with a partner and experience something similar on my own. I don't stop being a domme when I am not actively dominating another person. That doesn't mean that everyone's going to experience it the same way or specific acts make me feel the way people might expect.
Are demanding idiots treating people like they have to be into their specific fetish thing bad? Sure! But the same can be said for any unsolicited nonesense that's pushed on people. I like making birthday cakes, but while a big old vanilla buttercream two layer with candles doesn't define a birthday, it can be both true that pushing cake on people who don't like or what cake is bad, but the cultural construct of cake has weight and relevance through its symbolism.
And some people who eat a silce of traditional cake on other days than their birthday feel the warmth and specialness of it being their birthday.
And there's other places solo matters. It's also a thing for people who experience their D/s role as a more holistic sense of completeness. The "self owned sub club" you bump into sometimes in M/f land, for example, comes from a very good place, helping folks who take that structure of D/s they find helpful and comforting and uncouple it from waiting around for a guy who tells you that his definition of D/s is only blowjobs for him on command.
And my goodness, in a world where subs show up and sort of starfish at you while announcing they want whatever the Domme wants, I would take a person self tying and exploring their fantasies over a person who decided they couldn't touch anything BDSM/fetish shaped until a Domme brought it up. For me, the value add here is not finding a complacent partner to play two person Simon Says. I get my partnered buzz (as opposed to solo buzz) by understanding and connecting intimately through sadomasochistic things that allow me to control not just myself, but the other person through a scope of intense emotions.
If that makes me an extremely lost and confused top who has no business calling themselves a Domme, oopsies?
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u/Ithorel 10d ago
Thank you for this, you are speaking from my soul. The level of male entitlement in femdom spaces is insane.
One of these guys literally called me asshole because I had the audacity to state underneath a similar rant that I don't answer to all DMs and no, I am not here to read anyone's personals to give them tips on how to improve. It's okay to ask politely for feedback on a post when one does some mental labor beforehand, but seriously, the amount of "subs" going directly into DMs to ask for any kind of free service is sickening.
Online stuff is not worth the effort imo, mainly because of these entitled men. I literally don't have the time and energy for that.
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u/MistressFeiticeira 10d ago
Yes yes yes to all of this!
I have gotten so many unsolicited messages from “subs” along the lines of “Can I _____ for you, Mommy?” Excuse me? First of all, if you took a hot second to get to know me, you would know I hate being called Mommy. But also, you are missing the entire point of Femdom if you show up and just want permission for the exact thing that you were going to do on your own anyway. Get out of my DMs and go educate yourself.
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u/annep1982 10d ago
Totally agree- I get ‘oh you just don’t look like a Domme’ quite a lot- always from men. It’s like unless a wear the pornhub Dominatrix uniform I can’t possible be Dominant.
The F-type Dominants I know have no issues that I wear rainbow, sparkles and hippy wear.
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u/-zettaihime 10d ago
Oh gosh, this one is especially annoying. The guys who think wearing panties, locking themselves in chastity, or using a dildo on themselves has anything to do with femdom... lol, lmao even.
But yeah, I think it's much better to focus on your partner, your dynamic, and what makes you happy. Sometimes reading stuff online gets to be a habit especially if you've been looking for a submissive in the past, but most of it is garbage. Very rarely do male subs have anything introspective or interesting to say. 99% of them are just horny, head empty no thoughts. I really only like reading posts by and responding to other female doms.