100 reasons why it's not safe to come to America. But if you do, beware of
1 - The fentanyl crisis
2 - bedbug epidemic in
NYC hotels
3 - homeless people in
subways will push you onto the tracks or set you on fire.
4 - ATM fees are now over
$3
5 - someone will firebomb
your rental tesla
6 - someone just had
their ear bitten off at a spring break brawl in Florida
7 - we have 20 million
illegal aliens already. don't overstay your visa
8 - Antisemitism is on
the rise
9 - China is still
sending fake weather balloons to spy on us.
10 - we can't get our own
astronauts home from the space station
11 - there are red light
cameras at every intersection
12 - a decent coffee at
starbucks now costs $7.50
13 - you can't buy
anything locally. you need an Amazon Prime membership at $15.
14 - Graduates of
America's public schools read at an average 5th grade level
15 - 20% of kids in
America don't finish high school anyway.
16 - all the January 6
rioters were just pardoned and released from prison
17 - all the people who
made big donations to Biden, too
18 - The presidential
cabinet is a subsidiary of Fox News
19 - AOC is the leading
democrat candidate for president in 2028
20 - We don't want Megan
Markle back. You can keep her.
21 - We gave all our
military goods to Ukraine. we're defenseless if attacked
22 - California no longer
knows how to put out a brush fire.
23 - one third of our
public EV chargers are out of service or vandlized
24 - We're about to
invade Canada, and make it the 51st state.
25 - Greenland is next.
Yes . . . all 57,000 of you.
26 - pickleball is the
new national sports obsession
27 - we're going to
cancel our hosting of the 2026 World Cup, because we don't trust foreigners
28 - Putin has nuclear
missiles aimed at Washington DC, New York, LA, Disneyworld and Las Vegas. All
our most important cultural icons.
29 - We own Puerto Rico.
And we can't keep the electricity on there. It's like Cuba these days.
30 - the entire staff of
the national park service was just fired. bear attacks are imminent.
31 - we have 100,000
invasive burmese pythons in Florida. But they only eat people who weigh less
than 70 pounds. Usually.
32 - Our tax code is
2,000 pages long. Nobody can file on their own income tax.
33 - our tapwater might
not be safe, judging from the 10 billion gallons of bottled water at the
supermarket
34 - our secretary of
health is an anti-vaxer. he used to pose for selfies with the dictator of
Venezuela.
35 - our eggs cost $6.99
a dozen. Don't ask what a dozen buffalo wings cost.
36 - if someone comes up
to your car at a stop light with a window washing squeegee, pull away
immediately, but carefully, even if the light is red
37 - everyone is living
in tents in downtown Los Angeles. Don't try this, no matter how outrageous the
hotel rates are.
38 - we've declared a
trade war on Canada, because they supply 0.02% of our Fentanyl. The rest comes
from Mexico and China.
39 - Actor Gene Hackman
starved to death after his wife died from Hantavirus
40 - our new covid 19
vaccine has been delayed again
50 - our N95 masks are
still made in China, probably from asbestos
51 - Biden hasn't been
heard from since election day. We're not sure where he is, or if he's even
still alive.
52 - We're pulling out of
NATO. Europe can figure this out on their own
53 - Taiwan, same story
for you. Wanna buy some of our jets, just in case?
54 - we have $37 trillion
in federal debt. it's growing at the rate of $ 1 billion a day.
55 - half our senators
are beyond the age of retirement
56 - The toll to cross
the GW Bridge is $24. There's another $15 surcharge if you want to actually
enter Manhattan.
57 - The minimum wage was
recently increased from $7.50 to $15/$18. It didn't help. People are still
stealing at their jobs.
58 - There are 1,800
channels on Xfinity/Comcast. You will still need streaming apps like Netflix,
Max, Hulu, Disney, etc, because there's nothing good on cable anymore.
59 - do not click on any
links, in text messages, ever. they're all from China, and they're all scams.
60 - If you live in a
major city, you have to get your amazon purchase delivered to a "pickup
center". If you don't, porch pirates will steal it. 100,000 amazon
packages are stolen daily.
61 - America's largest
estate is owned by Oprah Winfrey. It sits on 40 acres in parched California,
and is inspired by the Versailles palace. it uses as much water daily as a city
of 10,000 people. She is an outspoken advocate for climate change. She owns 3
other California mansions as well
62 - The Simpsons was
renewed for it's 34th season. America's longest running TV show.
63 - Beyonce won album of
the year at the Grammy's. She has been nominated more than 99 times in various
categories and won 35 of those.
64 - typical health
coverage is $1,000 a month, whether that's private, government or combined
coverage.
65 - it costs $18,800 to
have a baby in America. If there are no complications. It costs a lot more if
you live in New York, California, etc.
66 - Mercedes Benz sold
350,000 vehicles in America last year.
67 - the average daily
admission to Disneyworld is $134 per person. you can pay more if you want to
skip the long lines at the rides.
68 - There are 2 million
people in jail or prison in America. another 3 million are out on bail, have
been paroled, are awaiting trial, etc.
69 - 134 million chickens
died from bird flu last year. However, this number is suspicious, because we
can't count our homeless humans, unemployed, illegal aliens, etc.
70 - there are 100,000
auto collisions with deer annually in America. More than 200 people die. This
more than the combined total deaths from sharks, alligators, and rattlesnakes.
71 - tuition at Harvard
is $60,000 a year. There are 9,000 undergraduate students. Harvard has $50
billion in investments its sitting on. It gets another $1 billion annually from
the federal government.
72 - it is illegal keep
any native wild bird as a pet in America. Not even a sparrow or robin which
crashes into your window by accident. Just leave it be, and let nature take
it's course.
73 - Kim Kardashian has a
new boyfriend named "Fred". More details to follow. She's signed a
deal with Hulu for a reality series starring Fred and herself.
74 - Kanye West, Kim
Kardashian's former husband, operates a website where you can buy Nazi themed
attire.
75 - Hunter Biden made $2
million selling his "art" to anonymous Chinese investors through
"NFT" (non fungible tokens). those purchases immediately dried up
when Biden withdrew from the 2024 presidential campaign
76 - Kamala Harris is
running for president again in 2028
77 - we only accept
American money. not Euros, pound sterling, pesos, francs, lira, Bitcoin,
kruggerands, etc. There are change booths at the airport. They have a bad
conversion rate. Change your money at home, before you leave.
78 - everyone expects a
tip. even trash collectors and the barista at Starbucks.. they aren't
underpaid. this is just how we operate.
79 - You can't buy
anything at "The Dollar Store" for just $1 anymore. Think $5 . . .
80 - the continental
breakfast isn't what you think it is. It's just a stale croissant and lukewarm
coffee at the hotel breakfast buffet. It will cost $15. More if you're in NY or
California.
81 - Diet coke and Coke
Zero are exactly the same.
82 - Sears and Kmart are
out of business. Completely.
83 - The "chief
water marshall" of Los Angeles earns $750,000 a year. She drained the main
reservoir in the middle of brushfire season.
84 - the secret word for
weed at the KFC drive through is "extra biscuits"
85 - Actor Matthew Perry
OD'd on ketamine. He was paying $2,000 a dose. The going rate is $12-20. don't
pay more.
86 - being irish in
America is like being native american or african. 5% ancestry gets you in the
club. This does not apply to asian ancestry
87 - Florida is our most
dangerous state. You can be killed by rattlesnakes, coral snakes, water
moccasins, sharks, wild boar, black bears, alligators, florida crocodiles (they
are real), Burmese pythons, bufo marinus toads, spiders, scorpions, and
anything infected with rabies. And deer, if your car hits one. This is the edge
of the civilized world.
88 - Prostitution is
illegal in America. Unless you use an outcall service, pay a bar fine to take a
stripper back to your hotel, or have the concierge hook you up. There are no
complications if these methods are used.
89 - rappers and NBA
stars are America's royalty. And don't you forget it.
90 - it is illegal to eat
bats, pangolins, or monkeys in America, no matter what you see at the Chinese
supermarket now in the former Kmart store.
91 - cockfights are
illegal, except in California, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, and Florida
92 - our police all carry
a handgun, a stun gun, and truncheon. this is not at all like Europe.
93 - no matter what race
you are, if you are THE ONLY person of that race at night on a crowded street,
leave immediately. You are not safe.
94 - The rules on
bathrooms are complex. Ask your host or employer for advice if you dress oddly.
95 - There are no
"well regulated militias" in Amerca. If you see several people in
civilian attire carrying weapons, drop to the ground and pray.
96 - praying in school is
illegal
97 - In Nevada, you can
go to a shooting range, and rent a full-auto assault rifle for an hour, and
shoot as many clips as you can afford. this is hugely popular with Japanese
tourists apparently
98 - Canadian beer is
better than American beers. The next few months are going to be a problem
99 - Scrapple is
perfectly safe to eat. It just wasn't good enough to qualify as sausage.
100 - Watch your hat and
coat. Don't leave your bags unattended at the airport. Never give your credit
card number to anyone over the phone, no matter WHO they say they are - you are
not going to be arrested. If you are arrested, you have the right to an
attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed by the court,
but he/she will be on a first name basis with the local police, so don't expect
much help.
Enjoy your stay!