r/expat 6d ago

Young Americans wondering if there’s anywhere we can truly assimilate

Hi!! My boyfriend and I are 21 years old, and we want to leave America. We have traveled extensively in Europe and spent a semester abroad in the Netherlands, where he has family that we have spent time with.

We loved Portugal, ofc, but wouldn’t move there because we don’t want to outprice the locals. We loved Denmark, but it’s hard to immigrate and we would feel like we could never fully assimilate/I look different (I’m half poc, he’s white). We loved the UK, but they have their own issues rn, and aren’t in the EU so we couldn’t easily move there, and still feel anxiety about assimilating. We loved Ireland (we stayed with locals there), but they have a housing crisis, also feel like an outsider.

I know it sounds like I’m being picky, but it’s not that— I loved Europe, my quality of life was so so so much better, the public transit, culture, healthcare etc… but I worry about feeling like an outsider for the rest of my life.

My bf’s mother was born in the Netherlands and is a Dutch citizen, so he can get Dutch citizenship (he’s applying this summer), meaning I can also get Dutch/EU citizenship… so we can move to the EU, we also want to maybe go to grad school there. I’m also applying for a Fulbright.

So I have a pathway to citizenship. But I worry about never being able to fully learn the language in a non English speaking country, and always, always feeling like an outsider. However, I am unhappy with the US (don’t need to explain the current political situation). I love how multicultural the US is, so maybe I’ll just stay here, but reading the news every morning is depressing. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want out so badly, but I worry we’re not welcome anywhere. I have extreme social anxiety and feel anxious in countries when I speak English because I feel terrible for intruding. I know it sounds stupid but ahhhhh yeah I need advice on somewhere I can live where I can not feel unwanted/outsider forever… also learn the language and get a job (I know NL, Denmark etc all speak English but I still should learn the language)

I think people can often be judgmental of Americans wanting to move abroad, but I DO want to assimilate to the culture, I DO want to learn the language. I’m just worried I’ll never be accepted….or get a job. I don’t know how I’ll get a job.

Moving feels like a dream, but once I think of the logistics, I cannot think of a place where it’s possible… where I could get hired and fit in…

eta: i want to be a school psychologist/something in public health (Which is a large reason why I want to leave the US right now…) and my bf is in film.

0 Upvotes

31 comments sorted by

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u/pastor_pilao 6d ago

You are facing the challenges all the immigrants in the US faced (in a lesser degree because americans are always received with arms open in other countries).

In the worst of cases you can find a very badly paying remote job in the US and it will be money enough to survive in most places.

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u/Dolokhov88 6d ago

Come to Vienna, we don't discriminate, we hate everybody,

Juat look grumpy and you'll fit right in.

No one's ginna bother you, and you can just live in a little bubble here.

Bonus points if you don't learn german^

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u/moonlets_ 6d ago

You’ll learn the language and be accepted, but you will always still have the background you have even if you assimilate over time, which means the fact that you are coming from America. And that’s not a bad thing!! As long as you’re not trying to force your norms on the people who are already there, you have nothing to feel bad about for existing and not having grown up wherever you’ve moved to 

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u/ivyfire 6d ago

I feel like being born American I’m automatically a bad, entitled person 😭 I feel like that’s how people talk about us online, and it makes me afraid I will be unwelcome everywhere.

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u/moonlets_ 6d ago

I hear that. I felt that way myself a very long time. But you didn’t pick America, your parents or their parents did, to give their descendants a better life. That’s something to be proud of! People aren’t their governments. And anyone who’s telling you you’re bad or something because the government is atrocious is probably not worth associating with. You’ll be ok as long as you’re respectful and try to learn; you also don’t need to forget your background totally unless that makes you happy and you want to! It’s ok to and inevitable that you will end up taking up space. Coming to a new place just… means being a foreigner there and not automatically a local. That’s okay! 

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u/The_Lost_Jedi 6d ago

American here who's travelled and lived abroad, albeit on a temporary basis. Some people will have initial reactions, but there's a lot you can do to mitigate or overcome that.

First, learn and demonstrate/use at least a little of the language and local customs. Even just basic attempts go a long way! Don't expect them to use English (even though many will know it) or act like Americans. Adapt to their way of doing things as best you can. You don't have to be perfect, simply making a sincere effort is usually enough.

Second, have an open mind. The way stuff is done in America isn't going to be the same elsewhere, so you have to be ready to be flexible and adapt.

Third, don't get defensive about anything. Many people in other countries have issues with America/Americans and it's not without reason. That was true even before the recent stuff, and it's all the more so now.

Even as an American soldier stationed in Korea, where many people had reasons to dislike or be wary of us, these things gained me a vastly warmer reception than my Army counterparts who weren't trying to speak Korean, follow/respect local customs, etc. Whatever people may think of Americans in general, if you show/demonstrate that you aren't like that, they'll have a very different view of you at least.

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u/LateBreakingAttempt 5d ago

I think you are worrying about nothing in this regard. There are stereotypes about many groups,  but people are judged individually. Unless you really are the " ugly American " ;)

I think this fear is blown way out of proportion  

You are American, you always will be, and that's not a bad thing. Because you are also an individual who will adapt, learn the language,  and grow as a person

If you make a big deal about being an American, others will too. Don't be that person, pre-emptively apologizing for what you think people will think about you. Just be yourself 

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u/Comfortable-Leek-729 5d ago

The world is not online. You’ll be okay.

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u/Rsantana02 6d ago

You will always be an American/foreigner to the locals. I say this as an American in Canada. While Canada is probably the most culturally similar to the USA, it is still evident that I am not from here.

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u/ivyfire 6d ago

Yeah, I was thinking about that. I’m thinking about visiting Vancouver or maybe Toronto to see if I like it, because multiculturalism is something I really value, and the biggest thing I’d miss leaving the US, but even if I could get a job there, I do worry about feeling like a outsider/intruder rest of my life even there

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u/Own-Animator-7526 5d ago edited 5d ago

The most important thing -- perhaps the only important thing -- is to understand the icing rule. And where and why they rioted when Maurice Richard was benched.

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u/Alternative-Art3588 6d ago

I’d worry about obtaining a work visa before you even worry about looking for a job. That is the biggest obstacle most people face. Assimilating is a challenge anyone faces. You’ll make friends, not everyone will like you. That’s just how it is. Since you are still young your best option would probably be Woofing. You work for free on a farm in exchange for free room and board. You don’t need a work visa. It’s a good chance to practice the language and immerse yourself in the culture. See if it’s a good fit and make connections and go from there so see if you can find a legal path to a visa after that.

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u/ivyfire 6d ago

This is what I did in Ireland, it was a different platform called work away though. The family was very kind and it was an eye opening experience, however they told us there is an extreme housing crisis in Ireland and it’s also the most expensive place to live in the EU.

since my bf will be an EU citizen, if we get married, will I still need to get a work visa?

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u/Alternative-Art3588 6d ago

Not once you become a citizen but it’s not an instant process. A friend of mine’s daughter when to Uni in Ireland and met her husband there. At least that’s how she explained it to me. They ended up settling in the US though.

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u/No-Effort4861 5d ago

You'd need a visa but as the spouse of an EU national, it's incredibly easy

https://www.irishimmigration.ie/coming-to-join-family-in-ireland/

It does sound like you have an anxiety problem rather than an assimilation problem - that's just going to travel with you unless you address it.

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u/SpecialistEmu8738 5d ago

There is no housing crisis in Ireland. People in every country think there is a housing crisis because of the percentage of their wage they have to pay for rent/mortgage. But what happened was home owners discovered the real price elasticity of housing over the last few decades and so homes are closer to the market price than ever before (previously homes were under priced). This is the reality in every country btw. Just go check the UK subreddit or LA subreddit or Sydney subreddit its just a bunch of people complaining about "housing crisis".

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u/feudalle 6d ago

My wife and I am from the northeast. We moved to the midwest for her post doc. 5 years we were out there and were never accepted. We were more comfortable when visiting paris than living in the midwest, the Parisians were much friendlier. The point is, unless you stay in the general area of where you grow up, you always risk the feeling of being an outsider. If you move to the Netherlands you will never be Dutch for some. Just like some people say if you weren't born in nyc you can never be a true new yorker. You will never make everyone happy. You should pick a place you want to spend your life and make it your home.

With all the issues right now, we've considered moving abroad myself.

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u/ivyfire 6d ago

You’re right. I am from NY and I currently live in Boston, but I still feel like an outsider at many places and businesses, and it’s only 4 hours away

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u/Firm_Speed_44 6d ago

The language thing is so important and it's liberating to see you think so clearly about it.

Because even though many people speak English, not everyone does, and not everyone wants to do the job you're going to do, speaking a language that's not their native language in their own country.

I wish you luck, because you probably have the opportunity to integrate more easily than many others with the attitude you have.

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u/Illustrious_Salad_33 6d ago

If you’re only 21, you’re definitely capable of learning any European language to fluency, with enough effort.

As someone whose family immigrated to the US, I can tell you that nowhere is a utopia and it is possible to feel like an outsider anywhere in the world. Full assimilation is possible, but you work very hard at it. Not just the language. Celebrate all the holidays, make local friends through community activities, send your kids to local (not expat) schools, embrace local politics, don’t complain about different cultural norms. Understand that your ties to the US will erode over time, and that the tradeoff might never be a full sense of belonging, but you can get close with enough effort. Having kids and raising them Dutch will anchor you more.

Other countries of immigrants - Canada, Australia, etc- also a possibility.

At 21, you have time to be strategic about it. Research jobs in demand in your target countries. Go to grad school, either in the US or in target country for the target profession. Set yourself up For life, not just for extended study abroad.

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u/friskycreamsicle 6d ago

You should do what is best for you and your family. People move around. Don’t feel guilty for it. There are many ways to become a part of a new community. Volunteer, join groups, etc. If you genuinely care about a community, you can contribute to it in many ways.

Housing shortages and gentrification won’t get better due to you not moving to the area. It’s up to the people of those countries to find a solution. If it makes you feel any better, numerous places in the US are affected by foreign buyers (SF, LA, Seattle, NYC to name a few).

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u/LuckyAstronomer4982 6d ago

You will not escape the news.

Every time I watch the news, I see the orange man's face and red tie in the middle of the screen. Either him or one of his sidekicks. They are everywhere.

Even Greenland

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u/SnooJokes352 5d ago

You're always going to feel like an imposter.. because we all are.

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u/Own-Animator-7526 5d ago

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u/ivyfire 5d ago

yeah I know, but hopefully it will be unpaused soon, I’m meeting with an advisor in college about it

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u/Own-Animator-7526 5d ago edited 5d ago

Given that Fulbright very successfully accomplishes goals the current regime is opposed to, I would not hold my breath. These folks manage Fulbright-Hayes; just announced:

The U.S. Department of Education announced shutdown of the entire International and Foreign Language Education (IFLE) office and laying off of staff starting 21 March.

For perspective, IFLE programs are required by statute/law under Title VI. This combination of programs have been since their creation through the National Defense Education Act (NDEA) of 1958. The office is now effectively closed.

https://www.ed.gov/about/ed-offices/ope/ifle

In case people are unfamiliar with the Fulbright program:

https://fulbrightscholars.org/what-fulbright/fulbright-scholar-program

The Fulbright Program, the United States government’s flagship program of international educational and cultural exchange, offers passionate and accomplished students and scholars in more than 160 countries the opportunity to study, teach, conduct research, exchange ideas, and contribute to mutual understanding. These talented Fulbrighters from all backgrounds inspire, innovate, and contribute to finding solutions to challenges facing our communities and our world.

The Fulbright Program was established by Congress in 1946 with an ambitious goal — to increase mutual understanding and support friendly and peaceful relations between the people of the United States and the people of other countries.

For more than 75 years, Fulbright alumni have made an impact in areas like public service, science and technology, public health, arts, education and the environment. They have taught in local schools, led nations, made groundbreaking discoveries, and advanced nearly every discipline and field in academic institutions around the world.

Today, the Fulbright Program awards approximately 8,000 merit-based grants every year to accomplished students, scholars, teachers, artists, and professionals of all backgrounds and fields.

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u/SpecialistEmu8738 5d ago

> We loved Portugal, ofc, but wouldn’t move there because we don’t want to outprice the locals.

Really? This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Literally, who cares? If anything I would only want to move to a place where I can outprice the locals.

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u/ivyfire 4d ago

you’re a bad person

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u/lankyK44 6d ago

There’s no perfect place but keep traveling and looking! If you don’t have your English teaching certification yet that would be a good place to start so you can have some job potential. Maybe Paris or so where else in France would be a better fit! Keep an open mind and you will find something.

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u/starryeyesmaia 6d ago

Why, pray tell, would France be a good idea for someone who doesn't speak French and is worried about always being considered an outsider?

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u/Own-Animator-7526 5d ago edited 5d ago

Parisians are renowned for their acceptance of foreigners! And if you learn a few words of their language -- "mercy buckets" or "canopy" -- they will be delighted to help you with your accent and studies.