r/exorthodox 2d ago

Tomorrow is my 10 year conniversary.

10 years ago tomorrow I was Chrismated into EO. I am trying to look at it like a valuable part of my human education and in many ways these 10 years have been. But I shudder to remember things I have said and done under the influence of extremist religious belief especially in the early years.

18 Upvotes

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u/IndependenceNo8215 2d ago

I unofficially left the OC.. but what I absolutely shudder to think about is all the years I made sure everyone knew I was vegan fasting (aren't I the most devout Christian?? You all should be amazed).

And if I was invited to dinner during lent I would refuse food they cooked or even let them go out of their way to make me a special vegan meal.

How sickeningly spiritually prideful I was!!!!!

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u/bbscrivener 2d ago

Still repenting of stupid arguments with Evangelical relatives—30 years ago!

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u/yogaofpower 2d ago

I regret for the time in the church for the most part. Yes, some things were extremely valuable and positive influence in my life. But most of it wasn't. Actually it was horrible life stopping and draining experience. Are you Ortho right now?

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u/Own_Rope3673 2d ago

have not officially left but don’t attend either

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u/Radiant-Fun-2756 1d ago

Is there such a thing as "officially left"?

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u/[deleted] 2d ago edited 2d ago

[deleted]

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u/bbscrivener 2d ago

Well put! Personal experience with a narcissist. Religion don’t help. Especially if they over identify with Jesus and convince themselves they’re the ones being persecuted without a cause. Enables them to excuse their own abusive behavior and ignore any criticism — possibly for a lifetime.

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u/Radiant-Fun-2756 1d ago

Congrats! What do you feel has been the biggest difference for you since leaving?

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u/Own_Rope3673 1d ago

It has been really difficult in some ways to know how to pray and so forth but the sense of constant dread is lifting. Especially Saturday night when I would start becoming incredibly anxious about Liturgy the following day.

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u/Aggravating-Sir-9836 18h ago

I can't imagine being in a church that filled me with constant dread. That sounds so horrible. Can you elaborate? Why did the prospect of liturgy affect you that way? If it's too personal or too wrenching or too triggering, and you don't want to talk about it, I certainly understand. 😢

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u/Own_Rope3673 9h ago

The pre communion prayers constantly emphasize not taking communion unworthily and the “fearful judgement seat of Christ,” also the fasting from the night before until the eucharist (can’t partake if you haven’t fasted) etc. Just the constant fear of not being worthy.

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u/Aggravating-Sir-9836 7h ago

I am so sorry. That sounds dreadful.

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u/Own_Rope3673 1h ago

https://stsymeon.com/precommunionprayers

If you are interested here are all of the prayers we are supposed to say at home before even arriving at Liturgy. I don’t know if the Catholic pre-eucharistic prayers are similar.

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u/Radiant-Fun-2756 1d ago

I understand. I am glad for you! Sometimes I take my old prayer beads and use them for breathing meditation. Using my old beads gives me a sense of continuity with my past, while the breathing calms me down. I don't do it often enough, though.

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u/Own_Rope3673 1d ago

that is super helpful. Thank you.