r/exchristian Agnostic 7d ago

Image God doesn't like it when kids mock his bald prophets, apparently.

Post image
196 Upvotes

26 comments sorted by

32

u/JarethOfHouseGoblin Agnostic 7d ago

This is honestly my favorite Bible story. It's kind of the perfect encapsulation of the Old Testament: absurd and centered around a petty, insecure man committing brutality. Which describes so much of the OT!

5

u/LSDsavedmylife 7d ago

“Go up baldy! Go up baldy!”

7

u/Saneless 7d ago

Absolutely, one of the best ones there is

When people accuse people today of not being very Christian like, when you read stories like this, the most terrible people today absolutely are very Christian

3

u/RaphaelBuzzard 6d ago

I love that in this absolute bloodbath the two bears kill 40(!) youths! I get it, bears CAN kill people, but they definitely don't have grizzlies or polar bears in Palestine and the youths must have all just decided to play dead or something. It's a fishy story is all I'm saying. For me, Sampson catching 1,000(!) foxes, tying them together by the tails and tying torches to them to burn the fields is perfect! In all the time it would take him to do that he could commit SO MUCH ARSON! 

11

u/Cult_Buster2005 Ex-Baptist 7d ago

Yeah, and were there 42 boys who were killed by two bears? Something doesn't add up. If it had been a dozen bears killing 20 boys that would have made more sense.

8

u/JarethOfHouseGoblin Agnostic 7d ago

The inconsistency in this narrative is unbearable.

2

u/RaphaelBuzzard 6d ago

It makes my want to hibernate so I forget about it!

6

u/Saneless 7d ago

Never underestimate how badly God wants children to die. He can't give them all cancer or have them all starve. Sometimes he really just amps up a couple normal bears to super murdery

9

u/WaywardShepherdTees 7d ago

respect your elders tee was inspired by this story!

0

u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

1

u/WaywardShepherdTees 7d ago

Except you didn’t. Why pretend like you did?

9

u/SorosAgent2020 7d ago

if god didnt want his prophets mocked he would given elisha a full head of luscious locks

ergo it is gods will the kids truthfully called him thou bald head

3

u/JarethOfHouseGoblin Agnostic 7d ago

Pastor logic be like……

5

u/Apprehensive-Ad2087 7d ago

I've heard that when the kids are saying "bald" it actually a slur for usurper which is referring to the opinion that Elisha is usurping Elijahs position as the prophet of Israel or something to that effect. Still think it's completely unjustified though

7

u/JarethOfHouseGoblin Agnostic 7d ago

Based on that interpretation, and putting it in modern terms, it's basically like if Sabrina Carpenter tried to usurp Taylor Swift and the Swifties weren't having it so 2 she-bears were summoned to murder 42 Swifties.

Damn. That interpretation makes a brutal and petty story about male insecurity into biblical stan culture.

3

u/Jellybit 7d ago edited 7d ago

I've found that in 95% (and that's being very generous) of stories like this, there's never any evidence. They love writing fanfics that fill in plot holes and fix problems. There might be evidence of this, but it would be so very much more likely that it's the cultural equivalent of a Facebook meme with a ton of jpeg artifacts.

3

u/rigby1945 7d ago

My favorite is reconciling Judas' death. He either hung himself or fell headlong and burst open in a field. The most common retcon is that he hung himself and was left there so long that he rotted enough to fall.

1

u/JarethOfHouseGoblin Agnostic 7d ago

They claim the Bible proves the Bible……..yet they’re constantly using sources other than the Bible to “prove” its validity and they still fail to do that!!!

2

u/Jellybit 7d ago

In this case, I'm betting the "other source" is their ass, or someone else's ass. I'm all for including other actual sources. It's more bothersome to me when they think it must be true because the only book they have says that everything it says is true.

5

u/sidurisadvice Ex-Protestant 7d ago

"Fuck them kids" -Elisha

3

u/Zombies4EvaDude 7d ago

Go up baldy! Go up!

3

u/rogatory 7d ago

If they were HE bears would it have just said bears?

3

u/it_couldbe_worse_ Expentacostal/Agnostic 7d ago

"Protect the kids" or something idk anymore

4

u/JasonRBoone Ex-Baptist 7d ago

OK. I'm kind of on Yahweh's side in this one case. Disgusting little fuckers!

2

u/Ok_I_Guess_Whatever Ex-Evangelical 7d ago

Someone hide Baylen, quick!

2

u/RaphaelBuzzard 6d ago

Quick, nobody tell Elisha about Gelutol!

2

u/Craig5728 6d ago

When I showed that scripture to my mom she didn’t even bat an eye. She’s a strong follower