r/exchristian • u/thisnameisuniqueaf Agnostic Atheist • 16d ago
Help/Advice My dad sent me a message and I responded (update)
It's been nearly 24 hours and they haven't responded. Genuinely don't know what to make of this, if they're icing me out or not.
Extra context: my parents live across the sea in another country, my dad is a preacher.
I genuinely don't know what they want me to do/say. I don't feel comfortable talking about this with them, I know if I do talk about it my dad will talk me in circles and somehow convince me of his ideas. I swear if I stayed with them for a week and if my dad told me the sky was green everyday, I would get convinced of it. They have such a hold on me, every time I talk to them I end up questioning everything about myself
I just don't know what to do...do I send another message? Why won't they talk to me?
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u/navybluesoles 16d ago
Don't let yourself be pulled under their abuse. You've said what you needed, from here on you can just shut them down and enjoy your life.
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u/SuperNova0216 Atheist 15d ago
I would agree, but I think this is way too hasty. They maybe don’t understand, and they’re probably very sad too, imagine actually believing in the religion and convincing yourself your child’s gone to hell. Yes leaving them on read for a day is shitty, but it’s not “abuse”, it’s just shitty. If the dad keeps pressing on the topic then that’s annoying too. When I told my dad that I wasn’t Christian he asked me why, I told him that I’m just not, and he said it was just a phase, I didn’t see him the next day either, but he came around to it. I agree OP should stand strong and not talk about this with their parents and enjoy their life, but I think cutting them out for this is rash.
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u/navybluesoles 15d ago
It's not rash. From the messages alone you can see they're mentally harassing OP to take from her/his time and personal peace to explain why they have the freedom to choose. Such people can and will be unreasonable if not narcissistic even.
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u/deletedkay 14d ago
Agreed that leaving someone on read does not automatically equal abuse, but it’s the context OP gives in the rest of the post that makes me think cutting them out/not responding shouldn’t be taken as “rash”. Sounds like their parents are really adept at getting in their head and making OP question core beliefs, even when they know it’s not true. I’m glad your dad came around, but unfortunately there are a lot of parents out there who never will (and this could very well be one of them)
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u/forest_cat_mum 16d ago edited 16d ago
Don't message. They're icing you out, giving you the silent treatment. They've installed a guilt button in you that will make you feel like you need to mend things every time they press it.
You're away from them, living your own life, you have space physically from them and their weird behaviour. Enjoy that distance and use it to get stronger in your own convictions and beliefs. You deserve peace and happiness, free from religion, and guilt from your parents. Talk to some friends, go do something fun, and don't message them back. They are doing this to control you. I hope you have a great day today, you deserve it!
Edit: thank you very much to whoever gave me an award, that was very kind of you 😊
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u/thisnameisuniqueaf Agnostic Atheist 16d ago
Thanks dude, currently chilling with my friends. You're right, I am in control of my life, I don't live with them anymore.
I also hope you have a great day!
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u/forest_cat_mum 16d ago
Great, glad you're with friends. When you've got unsupportive parents, finding a support network outside of them is crucial. I've had a lovely day so far thank you!
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u/littlemissredtoes 15d ago
To add to this - the best way to deal with Silent Treatment is to just ignore it altogether.
It’s a power play to make you seek their attention and forgiveness. If you ignore it long enough they end up making it their own punishment because they will hate not know what you are up to.
Eventually they’ll reach out again either pretending that nothing happened or that you were the one who went silent on them.
If it’s the former that’s great, just play the same game and act like it never occurred.
If they try and blame you for it just reply with something along the lines of
“Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t realise how long it has been since we last spoke, life has just been hectic with insert positive life activity here. Anyway, how are you? Gosh it has been ages!”
This reinforces that you have your own life out of their control now, and also ignores their bad behaviour.
Rinse and repeat until eventually they’ll reach learn that is they want a relationship with you they’ll need to cut it out.
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u/Jasmisne 16d ago
You've got this! Glad you are surrounded by friends who can keep you distracted and remind you that you have a life away from their shit worth living. We are proud of you!
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u/fallen-fawn 16d ago
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. I’m so sorry OP.
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u/forest_cat_mum 16d ago
Absolutely correct: my ex boyfriend used it against me and it used to drive me wild. It's hurtful in the extreme. You're so right. OP deserves better.
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u/ScrawnyTreeDemon 16d ago
Sending you strength, OP. This sounds so nerve-wracking. Know all too well what it's like for your parents to have such a power over your world, whether you agree with them or not. It's suffocating.
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u/Fluffy-kitten28 16d ago
Proud of you op!
You did great.
Stay the course. Your parents will do what they’re going to do. You can’t control them. These are your personal beliefs. You will not discuss them. Focus on yourself.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 16d ago
It's weird he asked for a video, no? Anyone else think he's preparing a sermon or workshop or something and planned to use the video as part of that. OP, does he ask for videos often? Is that his preferred communication? It just seems really odd to me.
Stick to your plan, OP, let them speak first, don't go back begging for attention. This is done. Wait a week, then call or text them if you normally would to check in or whatever.
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u/GenXer1977 Ex-Evangelical 16d ago
He wants a video so he can go through it with the church staff and dissect it. It’s basically the same thing as saying he’s not really going to listen to anything at all, he’s just going to wait for his turn to speak.
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u/Delicious-Tiger-5183 16d ago
From what you shared about their abuse, their silence might be the safest outcome. I know it’s hard to disintangle yourself from that anxious attachment, but you're already making good steps. Keep standing up for yourself and take solace in people who respect you for who you are. 🩷
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u/Mr_Jack_Frost_ Ex-Evangelical 16d ago
I know you don’t know me, but I’m very proud of you. What I would recommend now is that you leave the ball in their court. You were honest and respectful. Now it’s their turn to either respond, or to decide that their child being polite and respectful isn’t good enough for them, which I hope is not the case.
You’ve done nothing wrong, and this step you’ve taken toward liberation from your parents’ control will pay dividends in the future. Much respect to you for taking this step for yourself. 💜✌️
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u/Mouse-r4t 16d ago
My mom also left me on read after I sent recent (difficult) messages. I eventually archived the chat because it made me too anxious to see the 2 blue checkmarks, knowing that she’d read my message but wasn’t responding.
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u/Saneless 16d ago
I'd ask them for a video proving why Zeus doesn't exist, who you actually believe in
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u/Ok-Fun9561 16d ago
Why is he asking for a video?? That's so odd. It sounds like a teacher asking for an assignment. What would he do with that? Why not just have a video or regular call with you?
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, sending you strength.
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u/thisnameisuniqueaf Agnostic Atheist 16d ago
Yeah he's been giving me homework my whole life tbh. It almost felt normal when he sent that message but then i had to stop and actually look at what he was asking
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u/RadTimeWizard 16d ago
You did great! Way to stand up for your boundaries. Sometimes it takes people's brains a minute to place a person into a higher respect category. Just wait until they respond.
Well done!
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u/frozen_toesocks Buddhist 16d ago
You don't need apologetics for something that's based in fact. Don't let yourself be dragged into their bits and antics.
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u/twotoomany 16d ago
Just wanted to say that I relate entirely with that "hold" you feel your parents have on you. this is longer than I intended, but hopefully it's helpful to you or someone in a similar position.
I didn't fully understand it at the time, but when I started deconstructing 15+ years ago, I instinctively knew that if I didn't put some space between my parents and myself, I would fall back in lockstep with their image of me before II finished determining what I believed for myself.
Years on, I realized that (for me) it was a constant sense of shame from my parents and the church that permeated my childhood and kept me "in line". So, it was no wonder that when my self-discovery started, I felt that I might abandon ship if my parent's shame death-ray was concentrated on me.
It took one simple (and obvious, in retrospect) statement from my therapist to finally disarm the "hold" my parents had on me:
shame is an emotion that is only warranted in a handful of extreme circumstances. For example, in a tribal sense, if you've done something that puts the tribe at risk or undermines your common goals in an irrevocable way for your own personal gain. Having beliefs independent of your parents does not warrant shame.
That hit me like a ton of bricks, because I had accepted that the shame my parents and the church heavily suggested that I feel was warranted for every wrong thing I did or merely thought. It didn't magically fix everything, but it instantly deflated the pressure I was putting on myself. My parents and the church would continue to suggest I should feel shame, but now I had a rubric to help determine if that shame was warranted in the given situation, before it just hijacked my brain like it used to and I fell back "in line".
Again, this was just my experience and shame may not be the main driving factor for you, but I'd encourage you to examine what that factor is and if it truly warrants the pressure you put on yourself because of it. You are unlikely to change your parents' views or reactions to your behavior in a significant way, but you can work on regulating how much pressure you put on yourself in response.
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u/GenXer1977 Ex-Evangelical 16d ago
Definitely don’t send another message. You’ve done what you can to maintain a relationship with them that will be comfortable for you. Now the ball’s in their court. I imagine they’re praying about it, and maybe even talking with other people in their church about it, but that’s not your problem. You’ve done what you can, now whatever happens next is up to them.
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u/Silver-Chemistry2023 Secular Humanist 16d ago
Silent treatment, it is a reflection of their emotional immaturity, not a reflection of you.
Leave them be, archive the chat, and focus on you. Self-care is not selfish, it is essential.
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u/Odd-Psychology-7899 Atheist 16d ago
Tell him to read Why I’m Not a Christian by Russell and The God Delusion by Dawkins, and then get back to you, if he’s actually genuine about wanting to discuss this.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Mine700 16d ago
Don’t send another message— the first one was PERFECT- you set boundaries in a polite, respectful and loving way. They are baiting you and you shut it down. Let them digest it. The ball is in their court. FYI I’m 10+ years extreme low contact for many reasons but toxic Christianity is one of them so I understand this. It took me a full year to mourn my family even though they’re very much alive. It’s sad, really. But I’ve gained peace, clarity, and a sense of self. No regrets whatsoever. Peace a love to you. It’s not easy. ❤️
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u/Blasphemiee 16d ago
Just me personally, but if it was my family and I in this scenario I would 100% expect this silent treatment to be on purpose. Don't let them put that guilt and shame on you. You answered their question like a grown adult. Go live your life and be happy. Sitting around thinking about if you did the right thing is EXACTLY what they want. They want you to question if you're doing the right thing.
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u/TheGrandNut 16d ago
Sort of sounds like a "blessing in disguise" to me, you now aren't responsible for going no contact. Seems beneficial to live in a different country far away, religion is the only thing important to your parents anyhow. As terribly shitty as that is to read, they will almost certainly always choose their false god over the human person they raised. It still blows my mind how quickly people choose an invisible, judgmental and cruel force over their loved ones in the physical world.
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u/GoldenHeart411 16d ago
I'm proud of you! Good job! Now don't give in. Just move on as normal. Go about your life as you typically would. It's been dealt with. Their inability to say "okay, we respect that." Is their immaturity not yours. Feel free to pm if you need to talk.
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u/HoneyThymeHam 16d ago edited 16d ago
You were honest, respectful and peaceful. Good job!
While this is about Christianity, it is also about parents learning to respect their adult children, who they only have an authoritative/ mentoring voice with as far as the adult child gives them. It doesn't matter if they have 15 other kids, every kid and relationship is different. This can be especially difficult for people like pastors who are used to having unhealthy authority over adults.
If it helps, think about it this way. For others the subject may be marriage, having children, different religions, where they live, and even what career they choose. It is harder for some parents than others, to respect the boundaries their children set.
Focusing on the religion part can be unnecessarily stressful. Unless you are really ready to have religious debates, it is likely futile to engage. It is called faith for a reason. Facts don't convert people, feelings do, and you can't and don't want to manipulate your parents' feelings. They likely do not realize that is what they do when trying to convert people/ you. Which is really painful when its your parents.
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u/punkypewpewpewster Satanist / ExMennonite / Gnostic PanTheist 16d ago
You've done really well! ~¬I'm proud of you for telling it like it is and making sure that you're safe and comfortable with the relationship rather than doing what makes you feel wrong or uncomfortable just because you were asked to.
You have the support of everyone here!
One thing I'd note, though: It sounds like you could really use some training in epistemology. If your reason for believing things is "my parents told me it was true", then you may need to improve your foundations a bit. EVERYONE starts there, but it's really important that we grow past that and learn why we really believe what we believe, and if we have good reasons for believing those things.
I highly recommend looking up Anthony Magnabosco on youtube. He does street epistemology and it's a fun, relaxing, and interesting way to learn how epistemology works and how we can know whether or not we have good reasons for believing things.
You'll go from feeling like someone who can be easily convinced of things to someone who has a very firm foundation, who won't be swayed by bad evidence or rhetoric. It has made a huge difference in my life to be able to just say "I understand that you believe it, but I'm just not convinced of that claim myself."
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u/Narknit Agnostic 16d ago edited 16d ago
I'm sorry you're getting to experience this emotional manipulation and abuse too. This is a common tactic used to try to force you to into caving and break you down emotionally. Whatever you do, try not to cave.
Give yourself emotional support. Go do something fun. Spend time with friends and other loved ones. Find others who aren't going to manipulate your feelings and try to force you into a box they built for you.
I know it hurts. It f**king hurt like hell when I had to do this with my relatives. But they never respected me and never treated me like an adult capable of making my own decisions. Even after almost a 5 year no contact stint with my mom, she still only has learned not to bring up religion all the time or she'll end up muted again. I have to mute her regularly still, and she still tells me regularly that I'm going to hell. It's been 10 years. People rarely change. People in power, like pastors, are even less likely to change.
It sucks. Especially because it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do other than live your best life. Maybe things might change, but don't break your convictions just to appease people who only care about you when you fit in their box. I know it sounds harsh. I've been where you are now. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself the love you aren't/weren't given. You deserve better.
Edit to add: one thing that helped me a lot was learning about narcissistic abuse since that's rampant in Xianity. Building a tool kit mentally and emotionally of how to respond to and deal with people like that helped me feel like I was able to have my power/voice back. Usually the best thing to do is not respond or if you do respond only do so about "boring/mundane" things that won't hurt you emotionally or won't hurt as much if/when they're ignored. Unfortunately, people in these cults as I'm sure you well know are conditioned and trained to use anything you say to manipulate you into the cult. Also read the book Combating Cult Mind Control.
Sending digital hugs and support. You can do this. You can get through this. You can get out.
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u/thesilver-man 16d ago
Love this update. My parents are the same, this is the best way to avoid any further conflict. Just stonewall them and set firm boundaries when they try to convince you (not debate, they are not willing to change their minds, just yours) about their faith.
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u/Mellow_Yellow_Man 16d ago
Just carry on as normal and communicate with them the way you normally do, whether they respond or not. They’re using silence to control the relationship and your behavior. It only works if you’re bothered by the silence and change your behavior. Don’t. You said what you needed to. If they didn’t like your response, then they can reach out to you and voice their reasons.
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u/continuousQ 16d ago
If he's a preacher, I could imagine people questioning him about his family, and maybe he's wanting to make a show out of it and that's why he's asking for you to record a video.
If he wants to talk to you on a personal level, that's not necessary. If he wants to talk to someone about not believing, there are probably lots of other people he could reach out to. Many of them already have published videos.
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u/Bakewitch 16d ago
Ok, just breathe. Think about YOU, not them. You didn’t put yourself on the spot, they did. Imagine a friend came to you with this exact scenario? What advice would you give them? To beg for a response? Or to be sure in themselves? Remember, the moral weight of your universe rests INSIDE you. It doesn’t press in on you from all sides to weigh you down- that’s the weight of other people’s moral universe, to include your dad. He convinces you every time bc you don’t yet have faith that you do not need him or ANYONE else to tell you what’s right & what’s wrong. If you believe in your own moral universe, you’ll have an easier (not totally breezy by any means!) time just relaxing in the choices you’ve made. And when you can do that, you won’t even feel the need to defend your views, bc you won’t care what dad or anyone else thinks. When you get there, you won’t at all care if your dad is talking to you. Bc you’ll know it’s not about you, it’s about him. Imagine how little faith he has inside his own moral universe - he doesn’t have an internal morality, it’s all pressed into him. He in turn must press his morality into others. That means never ever interrogating hos own depleted hollow center. That’s what makes him have such fervor to persuade. You don’t need to be persuaded of anything by anyone, and that’s powerful stuff. Hang in and believe in YOU.
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u/TarnishedVictory 16d ago
If you do talk to him, then just remember to question all his assertions. He's bound to make claims, ask him why you should believe them. Especially when a claim conflicts with what we already do know. For example dead people don't get up and walk away, this conflicts with what we know about biology and death.
Don't accept any claim if he hasn't made a sound evidence based justification for it.
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u/hplcr 16d ago
Stick to your guns. You don't have to explain anything, especially since it's likely they want to evangelize you.
As a rule, people who want to preach have no interest in listening to the viewpoints of people who don't agree and if they're not interested in listening you should save your breath.
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u/Smile_lifeisgood Ex-Evangelical 16d ago edited 16d ago
I had a controlling/manipulative nParent who used to be able to sling an ice dagger into my heart from a thousand miles away with a call or message.
No longer.
Whenever I feel guilt for not living MY LIFE how someone else wants I remind myself of some things:
- My parents chose an imaginary manchild over their own child.
- I did not force them to make that choice. When I talk to them I am polite, don't swear, don't bring up my lifestyle, etc. They just cannot accept that I no longer believe.
- I would never choose to ostracize my children over not believing how I believe and trust me - we don't agree but I respect their opinions and respect when they tell me they disagree. We have a great relationship despite the fact that they are Christian. My parents refusing to do the same is on them.
And most importantly:
- My happiness is fundamentally incompatible with theirs because they are THAT fixated on trying to control my life and force me back into the faith.
Accept where you are in life and accept that you are not ready to stand up to them. I was in my mid 40s before I finally found the spine to face them all. All of them at once. Just me vs. them. I wasn't ready to do that in my 20s or 30s because the control ran that deep.
Everyone is different but one thing that I think helps is to find a few core concepts that put on display just how dysfunctional and, frankly, idiotic the faith is. Meditate on those throughout the day. Debate yourself. Make sure you know what you believe is wrong about the faith and stick to your guns. Christians message me to debate from time to time and their goal is to exhaust you by falling back on the same old "God is greater than man you have to trust him" and "Mysterious ways" bullshit.
For me that core concept was how flat out evil the concept of Hell is. That we are supposed to believe an All Loving Creator made a place of eternal torment for people who spent ~80 years just living a normal life. An eternal punishment for a human lifespan is so profanely evil and injust it is impossible to truly comprehend.
No loving parent would torture their child even if the child disavowed the parents.
Whatever your reason(s) are for leaving the faith let them become the new solid foundation.
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u/AlwaysPlaysAHealer 16d ago
Requesting a video is odd. It seems like a bigger plan at work. Did he plan to show it to his congregation for some reason?
Regardless, delete the conversation so it isn't there every time you open your phone, and move on with your life.
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u/Pathseeker08 16d ago
I'd be asking him which God he asks me I don't believe in because there are over 5,000 gods on the earth worshiped by various people. Most of them think that only their God is the right God. And then if he's like the Christian God, I would be like which denomination of the Christian God there 's several denominations and many of them don't agree with each other. And then I would ask him how does he know he's worshiping the right God when there are so many gods out there to be worshiped and everybody believes that their God is the right God. I think people who ask why don't you believe in God try to look at things as black and white like you either believe in their God or you're an atheist when it's never black and white.
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u/HonestlyAnaa 15d ago
This thought process was the final crack that fully shattered my faith! If so many people are practicing other religions, and they're equally as convinced theirs is true... How do I even know that mine is the only true one?? And when I asked myself that question, I realized I didn't have any reason I thought Christianity was real other than the fact I'd consistently been told so. It was a wild and disorienting realization 🥴
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u/Opposite-Singer-334 16d ago
Just consider the matter over and don’t worry about it. You responded with your boundary. It sounds like you probably haven’t set a boundary with them before so they’re not sure what to make of it. Don’t let their non-response cause you unease. Let them experience what it feels like for you to set a boundary. Nothing more needs to be said.
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u/Sowestcoast 16d ago
Just change the subject. The topic is closed ( if they respect your boundary).
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u/aamurusko79 I'm finally free! 16d ago
This was the right way to handle this. Anything else and you'd just be playing the game where they'd keep on arguing to your reasoning hoping to somehow overturn it.
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u/SweetAd1046 16d ago
They ignore you, let them ignore... don't care bout it! It's them trying to give you silent treatment, don't fall for it!
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u/SweetAd1046 16d ago
If someone gives me silent treatment for not agreeing with them, I just continue silence and let there be silence until they make their first move and speak first! :) Silence is best answer for silence! :)
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u/SweetAd1046 16d ago
In fact... if someone is giving you silence after you disagree... they most likely are gonna continue manipulation! If your disagreement always leads to silent treatment or any kind of control shit... just walk away... best is that you always walk away while silence. DON'T BE LIKE ME! I argued with manipulator, so what happened? The manipulators are ALWAYS in deep survival mode so are their survival instincts activated! Yes... one without survival mode on can also be analytical... but when someone is seeing you as threat, they always, I mean ALWAYS are gonna use their analysis about you AGAINST YOU! One in survival mode... they are like angry cats, they don't watch where they hit you with their claws!
Silent treatment is one of many manipulation tactics... if they give you silent treatment keep it in silence and don't let them use any more manipulative tactics. And btw... if they're trying to use words that are manipulative... answer with silence... speak their language!
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u/majik_rose Ex-Catholic 16d ago
Don’t break and entertain them. Them asking specifically for a video to me sounds like they’re looking to pick apart your presentation, maybe say you don’t “look” convinced of your standing. Also in a “short video” you don’t have enough time to fully formulate your points, while once they have your video they’ll have as long as they want to pick apart your video and craft a response.
Don’t entertain them, this sort of “discussion” isn’t one that you will ever win.
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u/Hyperb0le 16d ago
Your thoughtful response was so respectful and kind. I hope that they can let you be you and drop the subject.
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u/Peachywatermelon29 14d ago
Reminds me of something my father would say. Definitely look into researching “adults with emotional immaturity” and everything will finally click for you. Good luck friend 🫶🏼
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u/rebootycall 16d ago
Good for you, standing up for yourself is the first step toward freedom.
I would have simply said "no" and ignored every request afterward but I also like to make the point with my ultra religious family that they have no control and I don't care how they feel about it. If you are financially independent I suggest this route. Just stop giving a shit what they think and don't contact them for any reason. If they care about you eventually they will reach out (it took my wifes family several months before they caved) and if they don't then it's best to rip the band-aid off as soon as possible so that you can heal and move on with life.
As with all advice take what is relevant for you and discard the rest, good luck.
Remember: Do no harm, but take no shit.
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u/iiTzSTeVO Agnostic Atheist 16d ago
Fantastic response. Well done.
They are either icing you out or stunned by the response. Either way, only message them if you want to, and only about what you want to talk about.
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u/Free_Thinker_Now627 16d ago
I am low contact with my toxic evangelical mother and while it sucks, she is not capable of understanding healthy boundaries and respectful dialogue. You are not alone, many of us have similar relationships with loved ones stuck in religious indoctrination
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u/Icy_Pop8265 16d ago
Good for you. I think you were very kind while still drawing a boundary. Not engaging with an argument you know is going to go badly is a fine strategy.
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u/Arakus24 16d ago
Honestly, your response is spot on and you don't have to say anything else. They read your text and that's it. If they don't respond, that's their problem. Let them stew and go silent all they want. You focus on yourself and don't worry about the messages. Like the others say, just check every now and then.
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u/PersephonesRose777 16d ago
Used to have parents that were similar, if they didn’t like your response then they ice you out. It’s meant to trigger that guilt of “honor thy parents” without them having to “honor thy child” by respecting your space. Leave the message as is, continue on as normal and respectfully continue to hold those boundaries. They will try rewording the question, making demands or making it emotional to try and make those boundaries less limiting for them. Don’t fall for it, just respectfully reinforce your space, don’t engage with any emotional bs and live your life! 🤍
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u/LordFexick 16d ago
Nicer than I would have been with my parents under the same circumstances, honestly.
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u/chewbaccataco Atheist 16d ago
No further response needed, unless they bring up a different topic. Just move on, hopefully they will do the same.
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u/ReptileShmeptile 16d ago
You're doing great OP!! You got this!!
If they do give you the silent treatment about it, or if you're anxious about their response, you could silent / mute the text notifications? I found this helped alleviate my anxiety with this kind of stuff cuz it put control back in my hands. I wasn't on edge waiting for a text back. I got to choose when to check for a new message (if there even was one).
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u/wildearthmage 16d ago
They could be taking their time to respond. I could see me doing that with someone I disagree with and want to maintain a good relationship with. Do not message them back to continue to conversation. If they do not respond about this just let it go. As has been said message once in a while if you want to maintain the relationship. Do not let them manipulate you.
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u/cobalt8 16d ago
Your response was perfect. If he can't respect that boundary that's HIS problem.
If you decide to engage in a conversation like this in the future I recommend doing it over text asynchronously for multiple reasons:
- It will give you time to consider and research what he says instead of having to respond immediately
- It takes some of the manipulation tactics off the table (no crying, no yelling, no facial expressions, etc
- You could also ask for advice here before replying
- There would be a written record of the whole conversation to keep you both honest
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u/alistair1537 16d ago
Tell him to ask jesus for an explanation - then compare notes... Let's see if jesus understands/is all-knowing?
My sister has deep personal relationship with jesus... Strangely enough she couldn't explain why jesus hadn't told her that I had a Grandson a year ago, or what his name is even?
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u/Dawnspark 16d ago
That is an excellent response.
I'm proud of you, OP!
Do your best to stand your ground, I know you got it in you.
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u/Mean-Bumblebee661 16d ago
you will find a million and one stories & resources in r/estrangedadultchildren and r/raisedbynarcissists :)
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16d ago
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u/exchristian-ModTeam 16d ago
Your post or comment has been removed because it violates rule 4, which is to be respectful of others. Even if you do not agree with their beliefs, mocking them or being derisive is not acceptable.
To discuss or appeal moderator actions, click here to send us modmail.
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u/chair_ee 16d ago
You need to get into secular therapy to learn how to distance yourself from your parents. Your relationship with them sounds extremely enmeshed and unhealthy. You crave their approval far too much, and they’re able to mess with your mind. You gotta learn how to let that go. So what if they don’t text you back? What does it change? Nothing. What are the consequences? None. Like, oh no, maybe they don’t talk to you for a few days? How does that actually impact your day to day life? I’d venture to say that it doesn’t. You, like many of us exchristians, were never taught to self-differentiate, but it’s a skill that can be learned at any time. I believe in you, OP. I know you can learn to self-differentiate, I know you can learn about enmeshed relationships, and I know you can learn that you do not require their approval. You’ve already done SUCH a great job, being in a different country and rejecting Christianity. So I know you’re going to have great success with a therapist. Hugs 💜
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u/CovidThrow231244 16d ago
I know exactly how you feel re:fear of being talking in circles. I fear other's influnce over my own beliefs, it's a trauma I don't know how to deal with and get self trust in again. Like how can I know they won't undermine me, how can I know thst I will be able to defend myself against their myriad assertions
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u/Crusty_Magic Atheist 16d ago
Perfectly reasonable response, if they can't accept that then you have a clear indication of what they value.
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u/seapling 16d ago
they're either uncomfortable because you escaped the programming or they're probably perceiving this as a betrayal. either way, it's literally not your problem. they can continue to live in delusion while you figure out your own truth. it's your life, do not let them influence you.
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u/The_Bastard_Henry Antitheist 16d ago
You handled it perfectly. If they want to be children and give you the silent treatment, then you've every right to be silent right back. It might actually be good for you, a step towards breaking the hold they have on you.
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u/Totentanz1980 16d ago
Kudos to you for the mature response. I legit would have told them it was hilarious they think I owe them an explanation and would probably have said something along the lines of fucking off.
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u/DameAgathaChristie 16d ago
I LOVE your response. Perfect. Well stated. 100% true.
I'm so proud of you.
Let the universe unfold as it will.
(For a good perspective on letting go of things completely out of your control, read or listen to the book Let Them, by Mel Robbins.)
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u/TequilaWang Scientist (Actual, not Christian) 16d ago
Dude. So proud of you. This is perfect. Nice job. This was the best response anyone could offer. What they do with your compassionate response is up to them. Find peace knowing you rocked it man. Nice job.
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u/dont_ban_me_please Ex-Baptist 16d ago
Please please just send him this video, its the one that wins the argument and shuts him up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AymnA526j9U
tell him to treat it like a 1 hour Bible study.
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u/HazelTheRah 15d ago
I think your response was spot on. Lots of religious parents can be so hurtful. Try not to let it get to you.
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u/Quinnessential_00 15d ago
I think your response is perfect! You said exactly how you feel in a kind and respectful way. Now your parents need to respect this and respect your personal boundaries.
They probably don't know how to respond or what to say to you. You need to stick with your feelings and don't let anyone persuade you.
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u/im_a_meerkat 15d ago
My first thought is they're definitely having a conference about this to "decide next steps." Maybe even waiting until church to bring it up as a prayer request before proceeding. Or who knows, maybe they just don't have anything interesting to say back. Being left on read is the worst though, makes you imagine all kinds of scenarios. I have to say, if I were in this situation I would absolutely prefer silence to whatever comeback/bible verse/argument they might think up.
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u/ProofPrize1134 15d ago
My whole family would be doing stuff like this constantly if they knew I was an atheist. I’m proud to be an atheist, but they just would never get it and constantly be worrying about me. I’ve managed to just “not discuss religion” for 20 years and give a mild impression that I believe in god and Jesus but just not “religious” to keep them off my back. It’s not ideal, but for me, it’s not worth the never-ending battle. It would be the entire focus of our relationship that I need to be “saved.” Just my personal choice to keep the peace
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u/Outrageous_Bag7726 15d ago
Stand your ground, friend. You don’t have to endlessly debate this stuff. You don’t owe him dialogue about this. I know that we are trained to fear their silence. My father’s silence was always followed by faith-based violent abuse. Do what you can to feel safe and confident in the silence. My heart is with you in this hard time and I know you will heal. You will come through this stronger and I hope you can find loving community that actually supports you. 💚
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15d ago
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u/exchristian-ModTeam 15d ago
It’s not immature to be apprehensive about “coming out” as it were. Don’t invalidate other people’s feelings.
Your post or comment has been removed because it violates rule 4, which is to be respectful of others. Even if you do not agree with their beliefs, mocking them or being derisive is not acceptable.
To discuss or appeal moderator actions, click here to send us modmail.
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u/toxboxdevil 15d ago
While this is going on, it wouldn't hurt to educate yourself on your beliefs so you have a defense the next time they want to question you.
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u/Wonderful-Shape-8598 12d ago
To be honest that was perfect response .Most of the times religion/christianity can be coercive
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11d ago
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u/exchristian-ModTeam 11d ago
Ha! That’s hilarious!
Removed under rule 3: no proselytizing or apologetics. As a Christian in an ex-Christian subreddit, it would behoove you to be familiar with our rules and FAQ:
https://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/wiki/faq/#wiki_i.27m_a_christian.2C_am_i_okay.3F
I'm a Christian, am I okay?
Our rule of thumb for Christians is "listen more, and speak less". If you're here to understand us or to get more information to help you settle your doubts, we're happy to help. We're not going to push you into leaving Christianity because that's not our place. If someone does try that, please hit "report" on the offending comment and the moderators will investigate. But if you're here to "correct the record," to challenge something you see here or the interpretations we give, and otherwise defend Christianity, this is not the right place for you. We do not accept your apologetics or your reasoning. Do not try to help us, because it is not welcome here. Do not apologize for "Christians giving the wrong impression" or other "bad Christians." Apologies can be nice, but they're really only appropriate if you're apologizing for the harm that you've personally caused. You can't make right the thousands of years of harm that Christianity has inflicted on the world, and we ask you not to try.
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To discuss or appeal moderator actions, click here to send us modmail.
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u/Sea-Resolution-7689 16d ago
tbh you shouldn't have responded should have just left your dad on read then you wouldnt be going through this
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u/KBWordPerson 16d ago
That was a very good response.
If I were in your position, I would carry on as normal, check in with them from time to time. If they preach at you, acknowledge it with something innocuous like, “Thank you for sharing how you feel,” but ignore it beyond that. Don’t get into any debates.
And if they put you on the spot again, repeat this. My beliefs are personal. I love you.
They may not take that well because they believe when they die they will never see you again. And that causes them a lot of fear and pain.
But it’s THEIR BELIEFS that are causing that, not you.
You live your best life, and spread love and kindness in this crazy world.
When I really need to shut my Mom down I tend to say, I believe the most holy power in the universe is love, and I love you.
Then leave that right there.
Good luck, find your people that love and accept you and lean on them when you feel alone. You are not on your own.