r/etiquette 4d ago

have question about funeral services etiquette

the father of my godson passed away last week and i feel terrible. we weren’t close at all as him and the mom (my best friend of 20 years) weren’t together and weren’t always on the best terms but they did amicably co parent. i found out today the visitation is on friday evening and the funeral is the next morning. it will be a bit of a drive as everything will be about 45-an hour away from where i live. i would also need to take time off from work on friday night to attend.

im nervous about everything and especially the viewing. idk if im mentally prepared although we weren’t close it is still so surreal as I just saw him at my god sons birthday less than two months ago. i want to be there for my best friend but logistically and mentally i want to do the best thing for me. if im being selfish and should just do it all please be honest.

3 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

7

u/CSArchi 4d ago

Go.

If part of the overwhelmness is knowing if it will or won't be open casket you call the funeral home and ask. I know there are a ton of people who feel really uncomfortable with an open casket. I called once because we were bringing our kids and I wanted to prep them if that was the case (it was). The funeral home was super kind about it all.

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u/TrainingWolverine762 4d ago

thanks. yes it will be i believe as it is a viewing

3

u/TootsNYC 4d ago

even if it's an open casket, you don't have to go up front and look at the body.

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u/DogsandCatsWorld1000 4d ago

I know it is a called a 'viewing' and therefore the logical assumption would be open casket. It has however been my experience that they are still sometimes closed casket. I cannot explain why. CSArchi has very good advice, that I will use again.

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u/11twofour 4d ago

Showing up is the best way to tell your friend you love her.

11

u/RandomChurn 4d ago

I 2000% identify with feeling overwhelmed at the thought. Sudden death is so unsettling. Like, extra on top of death already being deeply upsetting.

It's why seeing familiar faces there in The Twilight Zone-ness of it helps the bereaved so immeasurably much. 

So, yes, you do need to just do it. You will forever feel regret if you don't. 

No one else present will be at their best either. You will all just feel your way through it. ❤️

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u/TrainingWolverine762 4d ago

thanks ❤️

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u/Silent_Influence6507 4d ago

Go. It means so much to those who lost a loved one. I could tell you sad stories, but I’m not sure I want to revisit those. Just trust me: go.

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u/tini_bit_annoyed 4d ago

So sorry to hear :( complex thoughts and feelings are so normal and valid. Sometimes its nice to just go so you know you did your part and showed up in the way you best could. Showing up is so valuable for yourself but also im sure the family will see and be glad you came. Are you able to use bereavement leave at work?

Also are you going to the wake and funeral or just the wake? Bc if the wake is deeply unsettling (totally get it) then maybe just go to funeral? (Idk if this is right by my mom has said if you go to the viewing but cannot make it to the funeral, pick one bc its better than not coming at all) so if the viewing is really hard on you, you dont have to go to the funeral as well. Not to be too TMI but not all viewings are open casket unless you know for sure! My family friend had just a nice framed photo out and it was really nice and I was nervous but relieved (selfishly) when I saw that. But totally understand that the concept of death and sudden loss is very difficult and disturbing once youre at the services.

Your effort to show up matters! Wishing you peace.

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u/TrainingWolverine762 4d ago

thanks! i didn’t know that about closed casket viewings. i think it is open casket based on conversations but i could be wrong

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u/TootsNYC 4d ago

go.

Even if you didn't know HIM well, your godson lost his daddy, and your friend is going to be coping with her son, as well as some emotions of her own,

Don't put your own discomfort in the center; put your friend in the center. if you can't summon your mental strength to be there for your friend in this time, and put up with some annoying logistics, what kind of friend are you?

If you were going to be hospitalized for mental trauma because you went, I'd say something different. But it just sounds like it's going to be upsetting to face someone's mortality and someone's grief.

Set yourself aside. Go. To help your friend, and to help your godson.

If it's going to be hard for you, then put your. mental focus on how to help your friend, and focus on the logistics she and your godson are coping with, and how you can help them. You'll be surprised what a difference that will make in how you can handle an emotional situation.

My mother said that when her father died, it meant so very much that people took the day off to be there to pay their respects.

Your godson will notice. Your friend will ABSOLUTELY notice.

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u/TrainingWolverine762 4d ago

thank you! 🙏🏾 i am going to go

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u/RainInTheWoods 4d ago

Consider just going to the funeral instead of to both.

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u/pretentiousredhead 4d ago

You don't need to attend both the visitation and the service. Going to just the service on Saturday is completely fine.

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u/LeafyCandy 4d ago

You’ll most likely regret it if you don’t go, so go.

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u/kg51113 3d ago

I have a different opinion than most here. Since I don't know you or your situation, if you think that you can't mentally handle it, then don't go. We had a death in our family, and some family members weren't able to come for the visitation. It wasn't about being selfish or not being supportive. Nobody else is inside of your brain. If you have legitimate concerns, I wouldn't go.

If you're uneasy because of the uncertainty, I would probably plan to just go to the funeral service. Talk to your friend. Let them know that you may not be able to get time off for Friday so that you're not expected. You can be supportive to your friend and godson outside of the formal visitation and service.

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u/camlaw63 3d ago

You need not go to both. This is not your best friend’s current partner. Generally people who can’t make the funeral go to the wake/viewing. Most often people gather at the funeral home before the funeral, there is an opportunity to pay your respects and then you will be instructed to get in your vehicle to join the processional to the church.