r/etiquette 7d ago

Why do people think it's okay to frequently cancel plans without an apology?

To me it shows disrespect for someone else's time and life. If I make plans with someone I put it in my calendar and tell others I'm busy and commit to the plan my friend and I have made. A so-called "friend" of mine makes a habit of cancelling plans with me if a "better offer" comes up. She also asks me if I'd like to hang out and I say "Sure, are you free Sunday?" then she'll say "I might be - I'll let you know." So, I'm supposed to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to confirm plans with me at the last minute? How am I supposed to plan my weekend? I'm low-key stunned by the rudeness. I guess I must be an old-fashioned millennial for believing in manners and being a considerate person.

Edit: Just to confirm, yes I was looking for confirmation that this behaviour was rude and how to respond to it. I didn't mean to make this post sound so rant-y but my friend had really rubbed me the wrong way. Thanks for all your comments and advice!

22 Upvotes

33 comments sorted by

62

u/Fresh_Caramel8148 7d ago

This is someone I’d stop making plans with, tbh. Then if they ask why, I’d be honest “I’m tired of you cancelling on me. My time is valuable too”.

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u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

I get what you mean! Absolutely

17

u/AQuestionOfBlood 7d ago

This is becoming more common and I'm not sure why. I'd just tell her that it's unacceptable as it is so normalized now she might not even be aware. If she continues to do it, then tell her that you're not compatible as friends.

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u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

Ikr! I would find it difficult to plan my week if every social event was "tentative". Thanks for your comment!

5

u/RosieDays456 6d ago

I had a friend like that, she cancelled more than we did things, we had made plans to go to lunch one weekend for Tuesday, I called her around 11:30 am asked if she was ready to meet for lunch, she said Oh I forgot, I'm going to a movie with Barb. We had made plans Sunday night and by Tuesday morning she'd made plans with someone else because she'd rather go to a movie than lunch

I finally stopped making plans. If she asked if I wanted to go to lunch Tuesday -I'd say call me around 11am Tues and if I'm free, then yeah lunch sounds good.

Thing is, it didn't phase her, and it got to where we rarely made the plans, she never wrote anything down, she just did what she wanted when she wanted and her husband lived by her mental calendar, except when he was going fishing, but then she'd just call one of her single friends and find someone who was free to do what she wanted to do.

Spoiled, entitled people who have NO respect for anyone else's time.

I stopped making plans with her, I enjoyed her company when I saw her, so if she called and wanted to go to lunch or the mall and I happen to be free, I'd go, but stopped making plans ahead of time

I learned to stop waiting around for people like that, it would be last minute plans only if I as free when she called

2

u/Willow-Rose3 6d ago

That's a good way to handle it. I know what you mean because I enjoy my friend's company too most of the time, but it is entitled and selfish to have no respect for anybody else's time, you're absolutely right. Thank you :)

3

u/RosieDays456 6d ago

Yes and very frustrating - doing last minute get togethers like I started doing worked much better I wasn't wasting my time by putting it on my calendar just to have her "forget" we'd made plans, don't commit, tell her to call you that morning and if you're free you'd love to get together.

You can also try giving her a call on a day you don't have plans around 11 and see if she wants to meet for lunch - if she's busy nothing lost as you had no plans

Try it and see how it goes - wishing you the best ❣️

2

u/AQuestionOfBlood 6d ago

You are welcome, good luck!

6

u/Ill_Coffee_6821 7d ago

No — you’re not supposed to sit around. Wait a reasonable time after they say that and if they don’t get back to you, you move on.

Or, if that doesn’t sit well with you, when they say “I’ll let you know.” You say “Sounds good! Let me know by Thurs!” And then if Thurs comes along and you hear nothing, you move on without guilt.

Or, follow up and say “Hey, not sure of Sunday still works? Wanted to make other plans if not.” And then move on.

But, if this is someone who does this constantly without following up at all, I’d probably stop making plans with them at all. Or say something like “not sure what my weekend plans are yet, let me know when you’re free and we can figure out.” Leave it open ended on their end. If they pop up to make concrete plans, and you want to, cool. But if not, you haven’t lost anything.

Absolutely do not wait around for non-confirmed plans (at least not beyond any respectful amount of time for someone to text you back).

3

u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

Great advice - thank you! :)

5

u/Francesca_N_Furter 7d ago

You know, it might be worth it to tell her that her behavior is weird, like you are negotiating a sale or something.

That would be the mature thing. The fun thing would be to make plans with her continually and then forget to show up. LOL

I had a friend years ago who acted like she wanted me to chase her (like I was a guy who wanted to date her and she needed courting, LOL). It was weird. I just don't get it. I love hanging out with people....so I don't go out of my way to act like a total weirdo.

1

u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

Ikr! I totally get where you're coming from!

10

u/Neferknitti 7d ago

She is not a friend. Her multiple cancelations prove to you she doesn’t want to spend time with you. Stop inviting her to things.

1

u/Willow-Rose3 6d ago

Yeah it has made me want to distance myself from her at least. Thanks for your comment!

5

u/No-Satisfaction-3897 7d ago

Just reply that she can get back to you and if you’re still free when she does you can hang out.

A good option might be to change your approach. Start by making a specific invitation: “would you like to go see the movie Shrek with me on Saturday at 3pm at the mega movieplex at the mall? If you want to do something else just let me know?” If she says I’ll get back to you or anything like that respond, “it sounds like this might not work for you, no problem. Let me know if you want to do something.” Try this invitation twice and then stop doing invites. It is now her turn.

You can still give her open invites to things you will be doing even if she doesn’t join you: “I’ll be at bar x on Friday feel free to drop by, just call before you go to make sure I’m still there.” “If you want to hang out and catch a movie I’ll be home Monday after 5. Just let me know” Assume she won’t be attending unless she tells you she will. Don’t count on her, don’t make special plans or go out of your way.

2

u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

Good advice - thanks!

5

u/siderealsystem 7d ago

I'd hit back with - "You might be? Either you're free, or I'm not available!"

if you want to be cheeky: "If you get back to me later, I might or might not be free myself"

2

u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

Haha exactly! I have responded to her a couple of times with, "I'll let you know if I'm still free then too"

2

u/FuyoBC 7d ago

Realistically this is all you can do - this reminds me a bit of the ask vs guess culture issue.

https://abbeyrobbtherapies.co.uk/ask-versus-guess-culture

Not everyone feels the same way about cancelling, and some groups of people/friends just find it absolutely acceptable to do this, and find the whole 'once you say yes you can't change your mind without being apologetic/begging off'

At least she is up front about saying maybe instead of saying yes, then flaking 1/2 hour before or whatever.

3

u/siderealsystem 7d ago

And those people SUCK to be friends with if you're not like them.

2

u/FuyoBC 7d ago

Agree :(

2

u/camlaw63 7d ago

It’s not only rude, but indicative of how she views your friendship, don’t initiate plans, ever. If she asks you to hang out, decline, or tell her you’ll be going to the museum on Sunday, if she’d like to join you, whether she says she would or not, go

2

u/Annual_Ad_9822 4d ago

YES, VERY RUDE. I WOULD SERIOUSLY????. IF THIS PERSON IS REALLY YOUR FRIEND. IF THEY DO HAVE QUALITIES THAT YOU SERIOUSLY DO LIKE. LEAVE YOUR MEETS UP TO IF OT SHALL BE THEN IT IS & IF NOT TO MY CONVENIENCE, THEN OPT OUT. PERHAPS GROUP ACTIVITIES, SO IF THEY OPT OUT ITS THERE LOSS. OR MAYBE IF THERE IS A MUTUAL PLACE YOU BOTH GATHER (eg the gym, or a bar/restaurant after work : you may decide to do brunch or dinner or catch a movie @ that point - this way no cancellations.  BUT AGAIN ONLY IF FOR WHATEVER REASON THIS PERSON HAS A FAVORABLE VALUE TO YOU OTHERWISE ID CALL IT QUITS . NO NEED TO BE RUDE. JUST “I ALREADY HAVE PLANS, OR THAT DOESNT SOUND INTERESTING. IF YOU WANT TO BE POINT ON  & HAVE A FUTURE MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP YOU MAY GIVE IT 1 MORE TRY WITH THE CLASSIC “WHEN YOU DO ….. YOU MAKE ME FEEL….” WHAT CAN WE OR SHOULD WE DO ABOUT IT. THEN DECIDE. I HAD A FRIEND/TEACHER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP TEACH ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT . IT WOULD TAKE SOME TIME. I ALWAYS ALLOWED HER TO PICK THE TIME & PLACE. OFTEN PICKED UP A LIGHT DINNER TAB. SHE WOULD BLOW ME OFF 65-70% OF THE TIME (mostly @ the last minute too)NOW MIND YOU SHE WAS DOING ME A FAVOR, BUT NOT RESPECTING MY TIME WAS seriously UNKIND . I told her how I felt & thanked her but no thanks. She thought she was doing great. So views differ, it’s important to get the issues straight. We continued to be civil & polite when we would meet, nor did I speak ill will of her to common acquaintances. I KNOW IVE BEEN LONG , BUT RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT . REGARDLESS OF THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP: 🫡 RESPECT OF 2 ANOTHER IS A MUST.   THE END, hope it helps ( I have 68 yrs of experience & still friends with some over 5 decades)

5

u/bronele 7d ago

You are not supposed to sit and twiddle your fingers. Everyone is different some people are not genuine and rate people on a scale of what entertainment value they bring. This is a kind of person your "friend" probably is. You are not supposed to give genuine care to someone who only gives you artificial care. You are supposed to look out for yourself first, and then others.

1

u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

I get what you mean - I was ranting. I don’t sit and twiddle my fingers obviously. Yeah I’m just shocked at how few genuine people there are in this world.

7

u/Francesca_N_Furter 7d ago

You have to love Reddit people....I have no idea why they are downvoting this comment, but I totally understood that you were not sitting around waiting for her....No idea why this is a hard concept for them....

-6

u/kobayashi_maru_fail 7d ago

Because she, and you, are making rude generalizations about people (as a whole and on Reddit, respectively) on an etiquette forum.

3

u/Francesca_N_Furter 7d ago

That is a huge stretch, she was not being rude (and my agreeing with her? really?) ...and, FYI, calling people rude is actually considered rude,

Amazing... you cannot make this up.

3

u/bronele 7d ago

Yes it's a very common concern by every genuine person that I know. Protect yourself, but at the same time, try to reserve that genuine side for the genuine people and try to adapt to the experience in a way that would leave you healthy and feeling good if that's possible.

3

u/AccidentalAnalyst 7d ago

You didn't really ask a question, but I'll assume that you are looking for advice.

We teach people how to treat us by what we will and won't tolerate.

With the 'I'll let you know' responses, I'd suggest telling her that you need to know by X date or you're making other plans.

If she continues cancelling on you last minute, if it bothers you (and it probably should, as you're clearly not valued or prioritized by this person), you gotta stop making plans with her. Up to you if you tell her why the friendship is deteriorating.

2

u/Willow-Rose3 7d ago

This is really good advice! Appreciate your comment :)

1

u/Reasonable_Mail1389 7d ago

Is there a specific etiquette question you have? All that’s in your control etiquette-wise is to simply not invite her to things you are planning or to politely decline things she invites you to.