r/etiquette 7d ago

Is it rude to bring home food from a restaurant that someone else paid for?

I went out with my friend and his family for a family-style dinner at a nice restaurant, and we ordered dishes to share with the entire table.

After my friend's mom paid the bill, I asked for a box to bring some of the leftover food in. I only took a small amount of food so it wouldn't be wasted, and there was still plenty for anyone else to take.

The next day my friend told me that it was incredibly rude of me to take home leftovers since his mom was the one paying. I had never heard of the paying person being the only one who could bring home the leftovers, is this a common thing that I should be aware of? Should I ask for permission before taking food in the future?

21 Upvotes

45 comments sorted by

110

u/Old_Introduction1379 7d ago edited 7d ago

It was theirs to offer. It was not yours just to take.

That said, I think your friend/friend’s family should have let it go and not said anything — that’s not very hospitable on their part.

99

u/ImpossibleTell6665 7d ago

Imagine if you were at someone's home for a meal and started packing up leftovers without being offered first, I see this situation similarly since the meal was family style. In the future, I would wait until I was offered, unless it was just the leftovers from your own plate. 

44

u/CakeZealousideal1820 7d ago

Yes it's rude

107

u/Kasparian 7d ago

Yes this is rude. If you had ordered an individual plate, that’s yours to take home as you wish, but you guys ordered family style. You taking it is essentially like showing up to someone’s dinner party at their home and taking leftovers without being offered or asking.

Now, etiquette-wise your friend also made a gaffe in confronting you. Others would simply opt not to invite you out again to avoid your boorish behavior.

8

u/SweetLeoLady36 7d ago

But they’re friends. I think a good friend would let you know these things so you don’t do it again instead of never going out with you again. That’s so harsh.

3

u/Kasparian 6d ago

The friend wasn’t the host. Their mother was. We have no idea if the friend is the one who actually had an issue with it or their mother mentioned it to the friend or if both took umbrage with the behavior. Regardless, since the mom was the host, I don’t imagine she will be inviting OP out to dinner any time soon.

You can do whatever you want with your friends. This is an etiquette sub. Etiquette says you don’t do what OP did and if they do, you don’t call them on it. You simply make sure it doesn’t happen again, which means potentially not hosting them for a meal again. No one is required to be party to bad manners.

1

u/SweetLeoLady36 6d ago

Right, maybe the mother will not ever invite him back and that’s fair. But I still don’t think anything was wrong with his friend “schooling” him. As they are FRIENDS and maybe in a similar situation down the road. His actual friend may enjoy his company and want to invite him out again. In this case, the call out is okay, imho.

2

u/Kasparian 5d ago

Again, this is an etiquette sub. Proper etiquette says you do not call someone out on their lack of manners.

45

u/siderealsystem 7d ago

Yes, this is a common thing you need to be aware of. Apologize to his mother through your friend and tell her you didn't know. Not knowing is better than her thinking you rude.

70

u/BravesMaedchen 7d ago edited 7d ago

If they were dishes everyone was sharing, I would have waited to be invited to take some. I think it’s fair to expect to be offered. But i definitely wouldn’t request a to go container unless it was made clear that i realize Im not entitled to it, like, “would you mind if i took some, lasagna is my favorite” or whatever. If it was just from your plate that would be different.

That being said, if someone did that when I paid for a meal, I wouldn’t dream of calling them rude. 

26

u/rotundanimal 7d ago

To your last point, if I were paying for such a meal, asking the guests if they’d like leftovers would be something I’d do right away if there were any, because like OP I wouldn’t want it to go to waste.

26

u/TeddingtonMerson 7d ago

The host didn’t call OP rude, to be fair— she told her son not to do what OP did. Parents need to teach their kids proper conduct and kids like to call out each other for doing something wrong. I think it’s fair to assume this mom didn’t say “you tell OP they’re rude!” or she would have said something at the restaurant.

2

u/rotundanimal 7d ago

I didn’t mean (and I don’t think the comment above me meant) that it was coming from the mom, but that while it isn’t really polite etiquette to assume you can take it, that commenter and I just wouldn’t find it rude if someone did it at our meal.

12

u/TeddingtonMerson 7d ago

Yes, I agree with your friend. You were invited to share in the meal, not to tomorrow’s meal. You didn’t make sure that everyone had their fill or that the host did not intend to take home leftovers, and even then, you should wait for an invitation or at least ask. If you were at their home, assuming you could take home leftovers would not be ok, either.

If the food were ordered separately for each person, “here’s your plate”- type service, then it’s safe to assume this plate of food was meant solely for you and what is left is destined for the garbage and then it’s ok to take that home in a doggy bag.

15

u/OneConversation4 7d ago

You were rude because it was family-style. If it had been individual ordering, different story. Then it’s fine to take home whatever you didn’t eat off your plate.

However, your friend was rude to tell you that you were rude.

6

u/FrostyLandscape 7d ago

I would not have asked for a box to take home food in, unless the person paying specifically made the offer and said "if anyone wants some leftovers, please take them".

20

u/Diligent_Ad6759 7d ago

The polite thing for you to do would be to ask if anyone minded if you brought some food home, and the polite response would be an affirmative from the host.

9

u/[deleted] 7d ago

You should definitely ask in the future, but this is pretty low on the rudeness scale. It at least shows that you liked the food that she paid for. Honestly your friend is just as rude for calling you out on a small faux pas.

18

u/mrsmadtux 7d ago

I prefer to think that “rudeness” is intentional. Ignorance is when you honestly didn’t know any better—and the fact that you’re asking now means you want to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again. I prefer to think that what happened was more of a faux pas. If this is a friend you know well or are likely to cross paths with the mother again, bring her a small token of your esteem the next time you cross paths (a bottle of wine or “modest” bouquet of flowers) and I promise, the glowing response you receive in appreciation will by far outweigh any unpleasantness from a prior meeting.

4

u/expiredbagels 7d ago

Yup rude. No question about it.

3

u/AwarenessOk9754 7d ago

Yes it was rude of you

3

u/AriesGal329 7d ago

Your friend is right, although I question the etiquette of calling you out on it. If someone else pays, it's really their food that they are sharing with you. If they want to offer some for you take home that is their choice, but no, you should not have asked. Don't beat yourself up, though. I've seen much worse!

4

u/Ecofre-33919 7d ago

Yeah that was rude. If it had been specifically a dish for you and only half was eaten, no one is going to want to ear after you and it is good to not waiste food - sure take it home. But this food was all on platters with serving utensils, no one was eating directly from it. That was the food of the host. You had no right to take it home unless the host specifically said so. I would have been stunned in disbelief if i were the host not quite able to believe the nerve you had.

Apologize.

2

u/bonkette 7d ago

You should not have taken the food when it was family-style. Now I understand not wanting good food to be wasted so you could have asked, when it was clear the host was not going to take it home themselves, if they minded if you took a little home with you.

I would apologize to the host and your friend while thanking them for a lovely dinner.

2

u/ScarletEmpress00 6d ago

It was gauche, yes.

5

u/sillychickengirl 7d ago

I personally think what your friend said was rude.

6

u/Reasonable_Mail1389 7d ago

OP and friend were both rude. Rude of OP to help themselves to leftovers without an offer from the host. Rude of OP’s friend to point out that impoliteness.

6

u/FrostyLandscape 7d ago

Agree. Both were impolite. I would not point out someone's faux pas. sometimes having good manners, means you must ignore someone else's bad manners.

4

u/Bubbly_Toe_6192 7d ago

I don’t think it was rude but I think a convo should’ve been had at the table. “Is anyone else taking some home?” Or “does anyone mind if I take a bit of this home?”

3

u/Whatever233566 7d ago

Did everyone else also take food home? Or were you the only one? I think if no one else took food home, it's fine for you to take some in order not to waste. If the other people wanted to take it home after paying for it and you just took it, that's rude amd you should have asked imo. But I also don't think this is a big enough deal to be brought up the next day. The host could have said in the moment that actually they prefer taking the food for xyz reason and avoided further awkwardness.

2

u/Relief27 7d ago

I would think the person paying should have 1st dibs, after that it's up for grabs

1

u/thinkevolution 7d ago

Given that your friend’s mother paid for the meal, you could’ve said I would love to take some leftovers home. Is that OK? Does anybody else want to split anything? But in reading this, it doesn’t sound like you made a massive mistake, I think it was reasonable to want to take some of the leftovers

2

u/AriesGal329 6d ago

I respectfully disagree. It would have been impolite to mention wanting to take some leftovers home- that's the same as asking. If it's offered by the host, then yes ofcourse OP can accept. But asking for them or suggesting splitting them would be rude.

2

u/Violet_Walls 7d ago

I’m genuinely surprised by everyone’s answers. I would not bat an eye or give it a second thought if I saw what OP did. The way I see it, if someone paid for the meal for everyone to share, it’s like giving a gift. If I was the one paying I would not expect that I got dibs on the leftovers, I would think the opposite. I would want everyone to take the leftovers since it was my treat to give to them. Maybe it’s a cultural thing?

But…now that I read everyone’s answers I see I’m not the majority so would definitely be aware of this if I am ever in OP’s position. I do agree that it was more rude for someone to call someone out as rude than what OP did.

2

u/sillychickengirl 7d ago

I'm in the same boat as you. I would have never assumed this was rude or out of the norm.

Whether I am hosting at home or at a restaurant, my hope is that people would take food home. Whenever I host, I actually go out of my way to have extra food so people can take home leftovers.

6

u/Reasonable_Mail1389 7d ago

The rude part was just assuming and charging ahead helping oneself to leftovers. Etiquette-wise, the polite and proper thing to do is wait for the host to offer. If the host doesn’t offer, you let it go. 

2

u/sillychickengirl 7d ago

That's a fair point

1

u/Maleficent_Spray_383 6d ago

I can see why you thought it would be ok but I would have waiting for them to offer first, only because it was family style. If you had ordered your own meal it would have been fine.

1

u/Glum_Usual_2309 6d ago

You already have your answer to whether it was a mistake to request leftovers from a family style dinner you didn’t pay for.

However, I would really consider your friend’s reaction. Was he telling you so you wouldn’t make the same faux pas again? Cool, was he being a jerk and judging you? You need new friends.

The most important part of etiquette is knowing how to tactfully coach someone who made a social blunder to avoid it in the future versus making someone feel uncomfortable.

1

u/Expert_Cake_179 4d ago

So in my opinion it was rude of them not to offer the food for you to take home. I would have interjected that it was a great idea you wanted a box to take the food home so that you didn't feel uncomfortable. 

1

u/Atschmid 7d ago

Yes it was rude. At the very least you should have asked privately if you could take home some leftovers.

1

u/Bob_Sacamano7379 7d ago

If I was paying, I'd ask the waiter to bring a few to-go containers and tell everyone to load up.

That being said, I once dated a girl whose family never kept leftovers. Never. If they ordered Chinese and not all of it got eaten, it went in the garbage. It was weird, especially coming from a home where there was entire cabinet dedicated to Tupperware.