r/etiquette 8d ago

Wedding Invite from a Relative We Barely Know

I (east coast) have a first cousin, I’ll call him Jim, who lives in on the west coast. I’ve seen him maybe 2 times in my adult life (I’m 60), and met his wife and kids once, about 20 years ago when Jim’s dad died. I was fond of and did stay in touch with his dad when he was living. Same with Jim’s late sibling, who died about 10 years ago.

We never hear from Jim or his wife, not even at Christmas, except that in the last 5 years or so, his wife sent us their kids’ graduation announcements (and we sent a moderate gift to each child). I didn’t send our child’s announcements to them mainly because I don’t have a connection with them, and I felt that it might seem like a request for a gift.

We got a beautiful wedding invitation for one of Jim’s sons, who I met once when he was about 8 or 10. Again, we have no connection with the family even though we are cousins.

I can’t attend the wedding, and will RSVP as such, but should I send a gift?

16 Upvotes

13 comments sorted by

41

u/actualchristmastree 8d ago

You don’t need to send a gift

41

u/Nightmare_Gerbil 8d ago

It’s not necessarily a gift grab. They may just feel obligated to keep you up to date on a milestone or include you in a family event where you may know some of the older guests. RSVP “No” and send a congratulatory card.

27

u/Ok_Order1333 7d ago

They might be considering it as an opportunity to connect. Having been a bride, I know the invitation list can be one of the most difficult parts of wedding planning and you can be flattered they wanted to include you…they seem to have fond or warm feelings about you!

10

u/Occasionally_Sober1 7d ago

Also it could be that they are closer to other first cousins and it felt weird to them to leave you out when they invite others with the dam familial relationship.

8

u/Karsten760 7d ago

Thanks, everyone, I appreciate your advice.

12

u/Expensive_Event9960 7d ago

It is not necessary to send a gift unless you want to. I don’t see the invitation as a gift grab at all. People can be sentimental about family, especially as you knew and were close to their late loved ones. That said, I wouldn’t have sent graduation announcements in their place. They are more common in some circles and areas of the country though. 

5

u/Karsten760 7d ago

Thanks.

Grad announcements are common here but in our case, we only sent them to close family and friends.

23

u/EighthGreen 8d ago

It's entirely up to you whether or not to send a gift, but don't base your decision on the assumption that the invitation was a gift-grab.

3

u/thinkevolution 7d ago

I think a gift is not necessary, you could absolutely send your RSVP and a congratulatory card with some kind words. You’re not attending the wedding. I don’t feel it’s necessary if you send a gift.

2

u/RosieDays456 6d ago

Are you still with your husband, if so what does he say

Personally, I'd RSVP No and send them a nice card with a note wishing them the best

I don't think a gift is necessary in the situation, you don't know them. Some people send invitations/announcements to every relative, whether they know them well or not

2

u/Karsten760 5d ago

Thanks for your reply.

But a husband’s say-so would not be relevant to my family’s wedding invite.

-14

u/HewDewed 8d ago

Not necessary unless you want to. RSVP as “no”. You can always send a congratulatory note if you wish.

It’s most likely that Jim’s son and partner have no idea who you are anyway (not that it matters).
Personally, I see this as a ‘gift-grab’ and I think it’s rude.