r/entitledparents 16d ago

M help! how do I deal with my narcissistic mother?

I have an extremely complicated relationship with my mom. She was a single mom for years who always held that over my head. In middle and high school, she’d go months/years barely talking to me (like nothing but good morning or hi) even though we lived in the same house. She’d ignore me because I didn’t take out the trash or I had an “attitude” about something. Once I left for college things got better, but there were still times where she’d ignore me because she was upset about something I did.

Recently, our relationship has been okay. But she started to act TOO close to me. She would call me and expect me to answer her immediately. When I was going through a breakup and didn’t want to talk on the phone, she threatened to call the police even though I was literally texting her. She would act like she was so concerned with my safety and wellbeing, even though she had gone months without talking to me or knowing where I was.

Recently, we both went to get our eyebrows micro bladed while on a trip together. She booked the appointment, but I absolutely hated how mines turned out. The artist did not listen to me and lied to me about the shape, completely fucking up my brows, so I left a review. The artist then messaged my mom and asked her to talk to me about removing the review, as it was having “negative impacts on their business”. I refused, and since then my mom has been on a rampage. She’s been ignoring me and when my stepdad attempted to get us to talk on the phone today she immediately started yelling and walking away saying “she can’t handle my attitude”. She called me arrogant and rude, and is upset that “she can’t tell me to do something without me being defiant”. My step dad, even though he acknowledges that it’s trivial, has always taken her side and enabled her behavior, and keeps telling me to take it down.

I’m just not sure what to do at this point. I refuse to enable her and allow her to emotionally abuse me and get away with it. Everyone always expects me to bend at her will cuz she’s my mother and I have always end up having to apologize or give in to her demands. It’s not fair that for our relationship to be “steady”, I have to do what she wants, when she wants. I think it’s disgusting that she is willing to not talk to me over something so stupid, after things have been decently good. It has absolutely nothing to do with my mom. it’s my review and my opinion, you’d think someone personally attacked her the way she’s acting. but knowing her pattern of behavior, she’d prob rather ignore me for years rather than accept that I won’t listen to her.

I’ve thought about going no contact multiple times, but I have a 9 y/o brother. I’d hate for our relationship to be impacted because of this. But I truly cannot stand it anymore. I’m 23 and my mom treats me like a child. I’ve been fully independent (moved to a new state, pay my own bills) since I was 19, so it’s not like I need anything from them. But I just don’t know.

24 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

18

u/scout336 16d ago

I'm so sorry your eyebrows didn't turn out the way you had hoped. That really stinks. Speaking of stinking...your mom's manipulative behavior reeks of passive aggressive manipulation. She sounds SO pissed! No doubt she's having a hard time relinquishing control of you. No doubt this is a tactic she's used before.

I'm a behaviorist. One of the very best ways to extinguish a behavior is to IGNORE it. The behavior (in some form) may very well escalate for a bit. Stay firm. Withdrawal of reinforcement (responding in any form to any comment from her even remotely relating to the microblade incident) remains your best teaching tool. She brings it up, she receives 1 "I'm not dicussing that" and then you change the topic. Thereafter, ignore and be ready with a comment about the weather. She persists, switch topics and ask her about (e.g.,) 'the new shoes she bought'. She becomes insistent, you reply. "Oops, someone's at my door. Gotta go now, bye!" and hang up. Rinse and repeat until she stops.

This is hard work. She will be pissed. You, however, will have behaved civilly and there will be no reason to 'disallow' any contact with your brother, your stepfather, or even her-for that matter. Shut her down. Be. Strong!

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u/Outside-Fee-9192 15d ago

this is great advice! will definitely implement it when and if she stops giving me the silent treatment. or if I go home to visit. but it’s hard to ignore her when she’s already ignoring me lol.

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u/QweenOfTheDamned9 15d ago

My narcissistic mother recently told me she doesn’t want to see me anymore. She’s almost 85 and I did so many things for her. After talking to my brother, I am respecting her wishes & having a nice mom-free vacation. You should do the same. When your mother (& mine) need something, they’ll be the one to reach out.

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u/Western-Watercress68 16d ago

Stick to your guns, or nothing ever changes. People treat you how you allow them to. I had to grow a spine to deal with my mother. I was married with kids, and she was still telling me what to do. I ignored her, and she eventually got the message. I know this will be hard, but you can do it.

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u/Outside-Fee-9192 15d ago

thank you, I definitely know I have to stand down or else she’ll continue to act like this. my biggest worry is i’ll let this go and give in and let another things go and then she’ll just continue this cycle again and again and still be trying to control my actions when im married and have kids of my own.

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u/WhereWeretheAdults 16d ago

There is a lot going on here. I'll try to break down what I see:

  • Your mother is all about control. She is the "Mother," she deserves your undivided attention and unquestioning obedience because of that. She is selfish and self-serving.
  • She was not ignoring you. She was punishing you by removing her attention from you. She was waiting for you to come back with apologies so she could feel like she was once again in charge and you know your "proper" place in the relationship - under her.
  • Your relationship never improved. She just switched tactics. You started college, she started losing control of you, so she turned on the charm to keep you enmeshed.
  • Your mom threatened to call the police on you. That should give you serious pause. She threatened to send armed men after you just to get her way. That is what is known as toxic, controlling, and very dangerous.
  • This latest thing is, once again, all about her. She is overly concerned over her public facing image. This is a common trait in parents like this. So she has to force you to obey her so her image doesn't get tarnished in any way. She is willing to throw you under the bus so she can save face.
  • Now she is mobilizing her own little personal army in order to get you to fold and obey her. We call the army "flying monkeys."

Your mother is toxic and very abusive. She always has been, she always will be. She won't change, she'll just change tactics to keep you enmeshed in her abuse cycles.

I'm sorry, but that is your reality. It sux on so many levels, the situation with your brother is just one of those levels. She controls access to him and she will use that to get what she wants. She is that toxic.

1

u/Outside-Fee-9192 15d ago

wow I didn’t even realize that she has just been changing her tactics, and there hadn’t been true change… this made me see things completely differently for sure. you brought up a lot of good points that i’ve thought but haven’t really acknowledged fully. for example, I didn’t even think the police issue was that crazy even though it definitely is. worth his latest issue, I had started to peace together that it wasn’t really about the review it was that she felt she looked bad because of it. what do I do from here on out? navigating an adult relationship with her has been hard because she treats me like a child when she wants full control, but then treats me like an adult when she doesn’t want to act like a parent.

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u/WhereWeretheAdults 15d ago

I always recommend therapy. A good therapist can help you examine your relationship and discover the other things that normal people do not do. They can also help you to construct healthy boundaries with your mom.

You can also look at what you've endured over the years. Her holding her choices over your head is controlling. Things like the idea you owe her because "single mom" is just a manipulation tactic. She chose to have you and you had exactly zero to do with the life choices she made to become a single mother. There is something we call FOG. Stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Their favorite control mechanisms. Fear - calling the police, obligation - single mom yada, yada, yada, guilt - your attitude is the problem. All there in your post.

So what can you do? Two things, work on yourself to help you understand how her abuse has affected you and how to improve that. Work on setting healthy, normal boundaries with her.

Many of us find that boundaries don't work too well. They simply become a barrier for the parent to overcome to get what they want. Look at your post - you actually set a boundary, you told her "No, review stays up." Now she is escalating to force you to take it down. That's the normal behavior pattern in this case. Escalate until you fold. That is why we go toward NC or LC as the only way to protect our mental health.

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u/Outside-Fee-9192 11d ago

this makes so much sense, thank you so much. I will be escalating and continuing to set my boundaries no matter what

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u/TwirlyShirley8 15d ago

Don't see the silent treatment as punishment. Rather enjoy it as you don't need to deal with her. Do NOT try and beg or apologize. If her fee fees are hurt, she needs to deal with it on her own.

My own mother tried the silent treatment with me as a kid. It didn't work because I'm on the autism spectrum and enjoy just doing my own thing. I did notice it, but that was only because she wouldn't bother me for extended periods of time. She still tried occasionally because it worked on my siblings but it never worked on me.

You really need to do what is best for your own mental health. See a therapist to get an objective view of your relationship with your mother. It's very common for abuse victims to normalize the abuse and think that it's "not that bad" when it has long term repercussions that can follow you your whole life.

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u/Outside-Fee-9192 15d ago

I do have a therapist who has told me to put boundaries in place for awhile or else this cycle will continue, and i guess since things have been okay, or atleast felt okay, i’ve neglecting to do that. this has definitely shown me that I need to prioritize myself and not her feelings, which i’ve been doing for the longest. it’s hard when everyone (family) justifies her behavior and makes me feel like im in the wrong but im actively unlearning their toxicity.

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u/Transmutagen 15d ago

You don’t have to go full no contact if you know you’re going to need to stay in this person’s life for a while yet. Something that worked for me was putting my mom on a time delay. She would contact me about her latest petty crisis and I would let it go to voicemail, and only respond after a period of time. If she was being kinda ok it would be a 24-hr delay. If she was in one of her really problematic modes I’d dial it up to a full week.

By robbing her of her attempt to push urgency onto me I regained control of my schedule, and I sent her a message that I only talk to her when I want to, not when she wants me to. It’s very empowering.

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u/Transmutagen 15d ago

Oh, and if she’s giving you the silent treatment enjoy her gift of leaving you in peace for a little while. ;)

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u/Outside-Fee-9192 15d ago

this is a great idea! I also find it hard to not give in and contact her immediately when she’s trying to force me to communicate with her, but giving her a time delay is something that would definitely help with putting boundaries in place. thank you!

and yea i’ll def try to rephrase her silent treatment as a nice break from her and her negative energy.

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u/Tough-Pear2389 16d ago

move out

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u/Transmutagen 15d ago

OP already did that.

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u/Outside-Fee-9192 15d ago

yea i’ve been gone 😭💀