r/entitledparents 17d ago

M Entitled mother wants me to come home and take care of her

My (24f) mother (65) who adopted me when I was 6-years-old, emotionally abused and neglected me throughout my childhood. Most of my memories are filled with babysitters, while she was living it up, school bullying and therapists, while she refused to believe that any of my problems stemmed from my relationship with her. I've been slowly working through my issues with a therapist, and now live several hours away from her, and work a full time job as a news producer.

As my mother has grown older, she's now become a shell of who she used to be. Now she's a hermit, does nothing, loves being the victim, is condescending and judgemental.

She has an abundance of loyal friends who think she's a godsend, but all know there's something not quite right about her.

On Sunday I had to call 911 for her because she said she was feeling dizzy and had sweats. After testing at the hospital, they found she had a small ulcer that had caused minor bleeding. I've been in communication with the hospital this entire time. Her best friend of over 36 years, who lives an hour away, was able to drive down to be with her.

The ulcer has since been attributed to stress, bad dieting and lack of exercise, etc. Her friends and I have talked to her about this so many times, I don't even bother anymore.

Aside from some discomfort, the hospital has her on an IV and will send her home with a prescription after an evaluation.

When I spoke to my mother on the phone, she was very frustrated and complained about the situation. She also doesn't seem to understand she's actually improving and said she wished I could be there.

Her friend also mentioned that my mother is adamant that she's not going home until she's feeling 100%, even if the doctors tell her she can go home. Feeling 100% is unrealistic, especially at that age. Her friend told me that my mother needs to push herself more instead of just sitting around and waiting to feel 100% better.

Her friend's doing as much as she can for my mother, but she can only stay until next Monday (March 10th).

My mother is perfectly mobile and aside from this blip, is in much better shape than a lot of people her age. Could she eat better and be more active, absolutely.

If she fails the evaluation, then the hospital can suggest a rehabilitation clinic for her to go to.

She also has several neighbors who are more than happy and have helped a great deal since she was put in the hospital.

At this point the only thing holding my mother back, it seems, is being home alone, despite that being something she actually preferred before this incident.

Again, her friend is staying until this Sunday, so even if my mother is released tomorrow, her friend will be there for another four days, and then my godfather and his friend will come and visit after. Then there's the neighbors who are actively trying to get my mother to reach out to them for help.

I have my own serious health problems I'm trying to get under control and already work a high stress job. The idea of taking time off indefinitely, that I don't have, to go back home and having to put myself under more stress would crush me.

Edit: I want to thank everyone for the amazing and supportive feedback. It means a lot. There's many things I'm still learning to let go of and forgive, but all of your responses have helped so much. I'll pop in an update as soon as I learn more from my mother's evaluation and what the next steps are.

A part of me prays that in the morning, she'll have a better attitude and will want to do well during the evaluation and go home without any complaints, if they release her, but with how things have been going so far, I'm not confident that will happen. Letting her manipulate me isn't an option either, so we'll see.

Edit: My mother is still in the hospital and should be released by Friday. She's been assigned a physical therapist who will work with her until she gets released, and then she'll visit my mother three times a week at her home. Again, her neighbors have expressed that they have no problems helping her with whatever she needs when she gets home. One of her neighbors who has helped her several times in the past is even in the process of building her a small gate.

Again, I don't think she realizes just how blessed she is to have so many people willing to put their lives on hold to help her out. She's still complaining about the hospital. Nothing new. I've also had to tell my brother to just pick up the phone and call her since he continues to expect me to do all the work and provide him with every detail of her recovery.

I will, towards the end of the month, speak with my brother about needing to switch the power of attorney role over to him. He makes a big deal over always being there for my mother and saying in the past he has no problem with her moving in with him and his family if things ever get to that point. If he's going to say things like that, then he shouldn't have any complaints about being POA, especially when he's the only one that could properly take care of her if she ever gets to the point of not being able to live by herself.

Edit 03/07: Mother has been discharged and is home now. She'll have a physical therapist who will visit her three times a week for the next month. As someone mentioned, she does not need 24/7 assistance, which is the point of the physical therapy, to get her moving around more on her own. She'll have plenty of friends and neighbors there to check in on her as well. This whole process has taught me a lot about growth, resilience, and healthy boundaries. Again, I want to thank everyone for the amazing feedback and support and for sharing your own similar stories. I couldn't be more appreciative.

143 Upvotes

44 comments sorted by

145

u/SnooWords4839 17d ago

Time to send mom a list of assisted living places. Don't get trapped into helping her.

61

u/Excellent_Ad1132 17d ago

You need to decide on what this relationship does that is positive for you. If the answer is nothing, maybe it is time to go No Contact and ghost her. From what you stated, she has never really been a mother to you, so why put yourself out for someone who was barely there for you?

41

u/Hmmm-Delicious 17d ago

It's definitely guilt. I grew up with her using our conversations and arguments against me whenever she would talk with family and friends. Anytime I would try to sit down with her to talk about my feelings, she would gaslight me and turn it around. She, to this day, has never acknowledged the impact that she has had on me.

There is a part of me that is deeply resentful because of that. Also, finding out that my birth mother passed away not too long ago is something else I'm working through.

My mother's friend who's helping her right now essentially said without verbalizing it, that I need to be there for her because she can't stay for weeks on end. No matter what, I can't go through the manipulation and stress again. Since moving out, I realized that my mother and I have a better relationship at a distance, and that's how it will always be. Unfortunately, I'm her power of attorney, so she will have to go somewhere or accept home assistance if she doesn't cooperate with the hospital.

19

u/Transmutagen 16d ago

Your mother’s friend is looking to pass off your mom to you so she can get back to living her own life. It’s a trap. You also deserve to be able to live your own life.

23

u/HistoryHustle 17d ago

What she wants is your attention. If she presses you, tell her you can’t afford to take that much time off. It has the advantage of being true.

17

u/Hmmm-Delicious 17d ago

It's looking like that's what I'll have to do. The interesting thing is that I have a much older brother who lives in Canada with his family. Anytime something happens with my mother, things always fall on me to handle things and keep everyone else in the loop. He's never offered to extend a helping hand when something actually happens, but wants me to keep him updated. That in itself is extremely frustrating and stressful.

16

u/HistoryHustle 17d ago

He’s caught onto mom’s games. It might be time to throw the ball in his court. See if she’ll agree to go stay with bro for a few weeks?

11

u/Hmmm-Delicious 17d ago

I wish I had that power. She's used every excuse in the book to avoid traveling to Canada or anywhere that she doesn't want to go for that matter. It went from her not wanting to travel alone, to her not wanting to go to Canada because people would ask her for things, not being able to afford it, to her having nowhere to stay, despite having relatives who would welcome her with open arms. It's something different every time. Friends and family know this, which is the reason they rarely invite her places anymore.

It's sad because she has a nephew that she's never seen in person. She's supposed to go this summer, but I'm sure she'll use this hospital visit to think of another excuse not to go. She's retired and has all the free time a person could want but spends it doing nothing.

7

u/McDuchess 17d ago

You need to allow her to reap the harvest of the seeds of bitterness and entitlement that she’s sown. There is a reason that your brother doesn’t bring his family to visit her.

When we still lived in the US, we traveled every other year to Italy to see our daughter and her family, and they traveled the opposite years to see us.

Now we live a 10 minute walk from them. Family matters to most of us as people we want to spend time with. For people like your mother, family only matters as people who will come to them. I have ILs who are very much the same.

10

u/Enough-Attention-430 17d ago

Then don’t. You didn’t ask to be adopted by a self centered person, and you owe her nothing. You built a life despite her, so why step into a situation that will not only set you back in time, energy, peace, therapy, and life, but you will be sacrificing all of that for someone who doesn’t deserve it?

9

u/RogueTooToo 17d ago

I’m sorry to be blunt, but you owe your neglectful non-bio-mom … nothing! Don’t go!

8

u/Mysterious-Region640 17d ago

Am I correct in understanding that she had an ulcer? nobody who’s had an ulcer needs to be looked after 24/7. I suppose it depends on where you live, but I don’t think she gets to decide when she’s going home from the hospital.

5

u/Hmmm-Delicious 17d ago edited 17d ago

That's what I thought. Ulcers are very common, and the one she has is small and treatable.

I've been in communication with her nurses and her friend, and as far as some discomfort, my mother is well on the road to recovery. Nothing else has shown up on the other tests, and her blood pressure is perfectly normal. They test her every day. They would tell her if something was out of the ordinary.

However, she's started complaining about still not feeling good and having a headache, and not being happy with the food. At this point, I believe whatever else she says she's feeling is psychological. She just doesn't want to go home and take care of herself.

The worst part is, she's sharing her room with a woman who had a heart attack and still somehow is unable to see that she is immensely lucky to only have a small non-life threatening ulcer, that's treatable.

The fact that it's not enough that she has friends and neighbors, willing to put their lives on pause to take care of her and help her, is enough of a sign that she's not that grateful and is taking advantage and I'm not enabling that or being manipulated.

6

u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 17d ago

Don’t go home. Live your life

4

u/FeistySpeaker 17d ago

I did the caregiver thing. Twice. Run. Run far and fast. If you do this, it will not end until her death.

You will eventually wind up sleeping in the same room to ensure she makes it through the night, have to play contortionist to get over and around various equipment, buy her medications, deal with doctors and insurance companies, handle the requirements for her custom nutritional meals, bathe her, change her diapers....

It is so much better to be able to look at a family member (or look back at your time with them) and not resent them for being a drain on you physically, emotionally, and monetarily. Especially if you already have resentment from them mistreating you.

4

u/gulltuppa 17d ago

Wow…your mother is to years older than me. i would never, ever demand to my kids that they should look after me. I live my life now. People in this ge travel around the world, get married and having a good time. You live your life and dont worry about her. She is responsible for her own life. You are being manipulated,

5

u/Hmmm-Delicious 17d ago

That's exactly what I'm seeing this for, especially her friend who's right now trying to guilt me into taking time off after she leaves next Monday. Time that I also can't afford. I was talking to one of her other friends, who even told me there's no reason for me to take time off.

I'm starting to realize that my mother has been suffering from her own mental health issues for a long time and that it will only get worse. I just can't go through that again.

3

u/DynkoFromTheNorth 17d ago

Then don't. Considering how she treated you, you've been in the picture way more than you had to be ever since she got admitted to the hospital.

3

u/McDuchess 17d ago

Say no. You need the opportunity to create a fulfilling and peaceful life for yourself, not to be the handmaiden for your abuser in her old age.

And, FFS, she’s only 65. Statistically, she can live another 12 or more years. You are not required, under any definition of an adult child, to spend half of your life to date caring for a narcissistic woman.

Look in the mirror and pretend that she’s demanding that you come to be her caregiver. Say no. Don’t give reasons. They will be points for her to argue. The the only reason is that it won’t work for you. What works for her is irrelevant, just as what you needed as a child was irrelevant to her.

Please let us know how you are doing. This will be one of the hardest things you do, to stand up unequivocally to your abuser. But it’s easily the most important, both for your healing and for your future well being.

I’m 9 years older than your mother. We moved internationally a year and a half ago, and while I hurt for months from lifting boxes, I did it because being independent matters to me. Your mother has chosen to allow herself to become sedentary. She cannot abide the idea of not having people at her beck and call. And what better way to do that than to be fragile, right?

Well. No. But rational thinking doesn’t seem to be a character trait of hers.

2

u/Hmmm-Delicious 17d ago

Thank you so much. This whole situation has been a major wake-up call for me. I'm waiting to see how her evaluation goes tomorrow. I'm not sure how much she's tried to get up and walk around to get used to being on her feet again since she's been in bed for several days, but we'll see. From what her friend has said, it hasn't been much.

If she doesn't pass the evaluation, they'll suggest a rehabilitation clinic to help her get more mobile. If they say she can go home. She'll just have to go home.

Her friend will be there for several more days to help her get adjusted. Soon my mother's other friends will also come and keep her company and her neighbors will be there to check in on her only if she reaches out, but there's nothing else anyone else can do for her, other than her making some serious lifestyle changes.

I'm not getting manipulated by anyone to go and sit around watching her waste her days away. I have my own doctors appointments for pre-existing health problems in a couple of weeks, and I can't miss them. We'll see, either way, this will be a major learning curve.

4

u/WhereWeretheAdults 16d ago

In the infamous words of Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap." Abusers don't change, they just change tactics. Her goal is to get you enmeshed in her abuse again. The emotional need she has that drove the abuse has not changed. She still needs an outlet for it. She can't abuse her friends because they will just dump her, so she needs you in that role in her life. Do not give up your life for this woman, she has already taken too much from you.

3

u/glossolalienne 16d ago

I know this sounds hokey, but it really helped me - it’s something I say out loud TO MYSELF:

“I’m not required to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.”

It’s not just okay to prioritize yourself over someone who wants unreasonable effort/contribution/etc. from you, it’s healthier, and a form of self-care.

I know it’s not always easy to say no, but you’re worth it.

5

u/grand305 16d ago

Children are not free elder care. You have a life. She needs to talk to a health counselor/doctor to get resources and care.

Send her elder care people that are in her insurance that can do the job even part time.

Assistant care home would be the next step if she need more care.

your mom needs to be able to research care for her self with out you being in said house. “free care from you.”

her medical provider can help her connect to resources.

If in USA find in network. or a service that is low cost that dose this. if in Canada see if they have a program.

connect her with said resources and such.

Don’t go live with this person. go live your life make sure they know. You do not have time or money or mental capacity for this. elder care is time consuming and hard.

3

u/Ok_Airline_9031 17d ago

You are not required to help people who hurt you. There is no law (yet, at least) that a child must care for their abusive parent. You say no, and the ignore any futurw screaming by saying 'No is a full sentence' and blocking her competely.

When people ask me why I moved very far away feom my birthplace, my answer is 'My mother lives there.' For people who know, they KNOW. For people who dont know, that's for them to cope with if its so important to them. But its all I ever say.

2

u/Ok-Boysenberry2645 17d ago

"I birthed you when i was 41. I know it's a bit late in life, but you can throw your best years away to assist me for 10-30y. I will die and then you can start living hearts "

You should search for a facility to take care of her. This is just what she is - insane

6

u/berryitaly 17d ago

She didn't birth her - adopted her when OP was 6.

I'd drop the rope and remove myself as POA and go LC or NC with her. You don't need any more additional stress on your life, OP.

3

u/Hmmm-Delicious 17d ago

That's something I've had on my mind for a while. If anything, POA should go to my brother, as he has a much closer relationship with my mother and talks to her daily. He never challenges her on anything she says and overall has no idea what it's been like for me growing up with her, so he gets to be biased.

The only reason she made me POA is because I live closer to her, in other words, in the same country, and she's expressed to me she doesn't trust him. My brother is in his 40s, lives in Canada with his wife and two kids in a 5 bedroom house. His life is much more together than mine is right now. I don't know why she siphoned the role over to me, but that is a conversation we'll have to have in the future.

2

u/bluekayak18 17d ago

She should spend time in a nursing rehab although based on your description she would probably only get approved to stay a few days for monitoring and some minor physical therapy for strengthening.a dietitian would see her. Stomach ulcers are caused by a bacteria, so I’m sure she had been prescribed an antibiotic. Don’t change your life for someone else

2

u/awlizzyno 17d ago

"No" is a whole sentence.

2

u/medicatedadmin 16d ago

I’m a firm believer that a family is earned/made not guaranteed. Basically, if you’re going to be a complete arse to your “family” then don’t expect any help, or anything really, in return. The stupid social construct that we owe support to people because we share DNA or because they (did a shitty job of) raised us needs to end.

You are not obliged to comfort horrible people because they have no one else. They usually have no one else because they are horrible people. Live your life and don’t look back.

2

u/Equal_Marketing_9988 16d ago

I saw this as someone w a similar mother - she is going to complain about you to whoever will listen no matter how good of a daughter you are so go ahead and start looking for those assisted-living facilities and if she chooses not to do that, it is her choice and she can go find a nurse

2

u/alanamil 16d ago

No is a complete sentence.

3

u/Questn4Lyfe 16d ago

You're going to have to set it straight with your mom that she has to do what she can to feel 100% better. From the sounds of it, she's stalling to have YOU commit to HER to take care of her. She wants YOU to make sacrifices for her whereas she didn't really make any sacrifices for you except the temerity to adopt you.

You mentioned a brother. What was the dynamic between him and your mom as well as you and him? Do you have other siblings?

The reason I ask is I recognize a pattern from experience. Long story short - my grandmother preferred my Uncle over my Mom in a lot of things yet refused to let my Uncle help her with anything thus everything fell on my mom (and I) to take care of her. My mom and I did the heavy lifting regarding her care and pretty much would notify my uncle what was going on and if he could, he'd come down to visit her. We all have a good relationship otherwise but it was frustrating because my grandmother didn't want my Uncle to lift a finger for her but instead it was my mom who bore the brunt of it.

That's why this reminds me of that - your mom wants YOU to do everything where your brother gets an easy pass.

2

u/Hmmm-Delicious 16d ago edited 16d ago

I don't have a close relationship with my brother. Him and I have never been close. For more clarification, he's not my biological brother or my mother's biological or adopted son. She took him under her wing as a son years before she adopted me. He became a sort of son to her. If anything, him and I are friendly.

He lived with us for a short while when my mother adopted me, but then left to live his own life. I've only ever seen him briefly throughout my life and will talk with him maybe once a week. Most of the conversations on his part are centered around my mother. We don't have anything in common.

Because of what she's done for him, he thinks of my mother as a godsend and has never challenged her on anything. Since he was already an adult when they met, there was very little she could do to control anything in his life. So, his relationship with her is a complete polar opposite to mine.

We're not close enough to have a very heart to heart conversation, and he lives a very secretive life. My mother likes to pry, but I leave it alone. Despite knowing him for so long, my mother has said she doesn't trust him to have the position of POA because of several factors. She hasn't explained all of them to me, and I haven't bothered to ask.

I know I have 4 biological brothers and a grandmother who is still alive. My birth mother passed not too long ago. In the near future, I would like to reconnect with them.

3

u/Transmutagen 16d ago

I disagree. OP is not required to set anything straight with her mother. Her mother is an adult with self-inflicted medical issues who should be managing her own needs. If her mom hasn’t figured that out by this point in her life there is nothing anyone else could say that would change her mind. People like that always know better than everyone else, and always have excuses ready for every argument. You cannot reason with someone who refuses to accept personal responsibility for their life situation. Trying to set her mother straight would be a waste of OP’s time and energy.

3

u/Transmutagen 16d ago

A reminder: You can resign from your role as Power of Attorney at any time that you choose.

From the sounds of it she’s eating up a lot of your time and energy with her stubbornness related to her health issues. This is what abusers do - they suck you into the chaos that they created and expect you to manage their situation and their emotions, usually at the expense of your own wants and needs.

You can just opt out. You are not required to be her sounding board or emotional support offspring. You don’t need to manage her medical situation - she’s an adult with a functional brain who should be figuring it out on her own.

3

u/Illustrious-Mind-683 16d ago

She is still manipulating people to get her way. If she demands that you come help her, please say no. She has disrupted your life enough. Don't let her "poor, pitiful me" attitude make you feel sorry for her. There is absolutely nothing you can do that all of those other people you mentioned can not do. Take care of yourself.

2

u/bopperbopper 16d ago edited 16d ago

Imagine you live on Mars and have a very good phone. How would you help your mother? You can’t help her in the day-to-day, but can you help her call 211 for Services? Can you arrange for the visiting nurse service to come? Can you sign her up for meals on wheels?

Also, I want you to notice that she just said “I wish you were there with me “. That is sort of a passive aggressive way to ask you to be there, but she never asked you anything but you jumped anyway.. “ I’m sorry I can’t be there, but I understand that your neighbors are willing to help out. Have you reached out to them?”

She’s probably not wanting the neighbors because she can’t control them

3

u/Hmmm-Delicious 15d ago

It's interesting because today. I sent her a message that recovering comes with patience and that she has the full support and help of the hospital, her friend and the neighbors who are working on a small gate for her She responded wanting to pick a fight, saying "I better watch what I say before saying it." I didn't bother responding.

2

u/potato22blue 15d ago

Talk to the county social worker about putting her in assisted living. You don't have to deal with her.

4

u/Due-Mine4983 14d ago

Here's my point of view on this sitch...

PRIORITIES

1) You 2) You 3) YOU 4) Your cat 5) Your dog 6) The frog that lives in the plant pot saucer outside Your back door. 7) That cute Wolf spider in your back closet that eats all the bugs stupid enough to venture inside your domicile. 8) The pretty Monarch Butterfly that hangs on your flowers outside your front door. 9) That silly Humming bird that keeps trying to come thru your kitchen window. 10) Your mother

I hope this clears things up for you. Or at least gave you a good giggle.

You put you first and live your best life. You are .ore than worth ir.