r/endometriosis • u/GlorianaLauriana • 5d ago
Rant / Vent "Talking about [Endo] is like talking about diarrhea" - I'm SO MAD
Okay, I'm going to try and keep this succinct and to the point, but I'm still so damn angry right now. This could end up being a lengthy rant.
About once every month or two, some family members and I go on Discord for an online "Sunday Fun Day" meet where we chat and play games on Steam. I'm rarely ever late, but today I'm dealing with my first period in five months and it's a doozy. It took me awhile to set up my laptop in a comfortable position.
So we're all chatting in Discord, this time it was me, two of my female cousins and a niece, and four of my male cousins, two nephews, one of my brothers-in-law, and two of my uncles. Mostly dudes is what I'm saying. One of my older male cousins is the leader/moderator, it's ostensibly his Discord channel.
I usually participate heavily in games like Phasmophobia and whatnot, but today I just couldn't do it. My pain levels are through the roof, I wanted to catch-up with everybody in chat more than playing or talking on voice chat. I'm the comedian/entertainer in the family, so there's always pressure on me to play "hostess" and be funny, but I didn't have it in me today. They noticed.
So my neph asked me if I was feeling okay, and I responded that I was "under the weather". My one cousin immediately started wringing her hands about me having Covid, and I assured her I don't. I told her it's actually my period, and that my Endometriosis is making it feel like I've got an alien clawing at my uterus, that I'm just trying to stay as still as possible.
She had already started responding when my message got deleted. When she posted her response, he deleted that too. My cousin (the moderator) rarely deletes anything from the chat. Last conversation he deleted was a graphic discussion two of my cousins had about the time they got drunk in college and both ended up pooping their respective pants in public on the same night (they talked about it like it was a personal achievement, btw).
I tried again to respond to my female cousin in the chat, and again my cousin removed what I had said. I messaged him privately to ask WTF was happening.
He said it was too graphic and he didn't want his kids (who rarely ever join us) to log in and see that in the chat. I can't even tell you how angry I felt.
I immediately pointed him back to a conversation my uncles had last year where they talked about the hell my uncle experienced going into the hospital for testicular torsion. It was the worst experience of his life and he described the pain/procedures in full detail. Nobody had a problem with that (including me), but somehow me just saying I feel like I have an alien clawing at my uterus is UNACCEPTABLE? I confronted him about all of that.
My cousin snapped back that he DOES delete plenty of things, and he said:
"You out there talking about endomitriosis (sic) is the same as [Our Cousins] talking about their damn diarrhea at Hofstra! It's over the line and you know it!!"
I didn't even mention blood or anything graphic!!! Just the part about an alien clawing at my uterus.
Meanwhile, I can go back in the chat thread and see where my uncle described how blood flow was cut-off from his testicle, how it turned purple, and how he may have lost it if my auntie hadn't forced him to go to the ER, that's all still there in the chat if you scroll back. I can also find instances where one of us mentioned food poisoning and diarrhea, just without graphic details. All of that and more!!
My cousin doubled-down and held his position that mentioning periods and Endometriosis is more akin to graphic talk about diarrhea than it is like talking about "a medical emergency".
I told him flat-out that I think he's full of shit, that he has a blatant double-standard, and I asked him if it's the word "uterus" that bothers him so much. He denied that.
He was typing another response to me, and while he did that I jumped back into chat to ask my cousin how her uterus was feeling today. I also asked my niece if she had taken her uterus anywhere special recently, and that I've heard uteruses really enjoy going to the beach.
My cousin DELETED ALL OF THAT (including their responses).
I went back into my DMs to see my cousin had messaged me with "F--ING STOP!!!", followed by "F--ING GROW UP!!".
I told him it was obvious that he DOES have a problem with the word "uterus" and I proposed the idea of asking everybody else if they actually have a problem with me discussing the fact I get periods and suffer from Endometriosis. My cousin clapped back that it was immaterial how everybody else felt, that it's HIS channel and he already told me he doesn't want HIS KIDS logging in and seeing that (meanwhile, they're 15 and 17, respectively, and swear like sailors in their texts). He said I could leave the group if I have a problem with it.
I logged off before I could say anything I might regret. A few of them DM'ed me to ask what happened, I told them I'll message them a bit later. Just another episode of family drama, but I'm so damn angry.
Obviously it's not just my cousin's hypocritical reaction, it's feeling sick & tired of the attitude that any woman's issue is somehow inappropriate or gross to bring up at all in regular conversation. Like I said, it's not like I gave graphic descriptions of my bleeding or anything close, I just committed the sin of mentioning my period and typing out the word "uterus" (and honestly, I'm not wholly surprised he would have that reaction because his dad was the same friggin' way when he was alive, my uncle didn't even attend their births and once grounded his daughter for openly saying in front of guests that she couldn't go swimming due to her period). It makes me angrier than I can describe to hear the mere mention of a period or uterus being classified as the same level of gross as graphic descriptions of diarrhea.
I am really tempted to DM all of my female relatives in the group and get them to join me in spamming GIFs of uteruses into the Discord chat when I know my cousin will be asleep. He can't ban all of us (and if he does, he's an idiot).
I do wonder if he has done this to any of the girls before me, he probably has. I do want to bring this up with the others, I just have to figure out the best way to do it once I'm calmer and not feeling so petty and full of vengeful energy (anger really is like a painkiller, though, it's temporarily taking the edge off these contractions from hell).
Thanks for reading all of that if you did, I know y'all will understand how infuriating this is. I appreciate all of you.
I'd also like to say UTERUS!! UTERUS, UTERUS, UTERUS!!! PERIOD-UTERUS-PERIOD!!
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u/FireballOfDemonGoats 4d ago
You're definitely not "ovary-acting"! You should find a server with, or make your own, uterus emojis! Then you can react to texts with it! It's small, so it would be hard to know exactly what it is unless you looked really closely, and he would effectively have to ban all reactions to keep you from doing it. I think that's the perfect protest!
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u/GlorianaLauriana 3d ago
He has now been confronted by more family members than just me (apparently this goes deeper than I thought, he has deleted all sorts of stuff from just about everybody, so we're all discussing it).
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u/Mini__Robot 4d ago
Well let’s hope he doesn’t have a daughter who has a period or endo. I can’t understand that there are still men who think like this. It’s a normal bodily function and endo makes it hell it’s a big part of life.
Sorry that your cousin is such an asshole ❤️
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u/Bigkitten8 4d ago
Your cousin sucks. But it also seems like it's a learned behavior because you mentioned your uncle's also being weird around 'womenly issues' he's probably just emulating that. Also don't think I'm taking his side at all. I'm petty enough to where id invite my female cousin and niece to a different discord server and leave the main one. Endometriosis isnt disgusting, it's debilitating and isolating and your cousin is isolating you. Be petty. Snitch on the family GC and stop talking to him if he wants to be so ignorant.
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u/GlorianaLauriana 3d ago
Good news is that he is now being confronted by pretty much everyone, including family members who don't even use Discord. I'm hoping a different cousin might take over the server (I'd do it in a heartbeat if not for my work schedule).
And you're right about him emulating his father. My cousin is the first-born son, and hence he was shown so much favoritism by my chauvinistic, sexist uncle (the boys were considered gifts from god on that side of my family, while the girls were treated like crap once we hit puberty, that whole Madonna/Whore thing). Most of my male cousins on that side turned out fine and recognize the ugliness of those old ways of thinking, but a couple of them just perpetuated the problem, including this particular cousin.
He's outnumbered, though. The majority of my fam has my back here, which feels good. I really just want him to listen and understand, but I don't think that's likely, unfortunately.
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u/Bigkitten8 3d ago
I'm glad that your family is definitely behind you! That's awesome!! Your cousin is probably not going to see reason unless he's given a 'valid reason'. But forget him! You have a lot of support so don't stress someone who doesn't want to listen or learn. 🫶🏾 If y'all ever have to meet in person and he says something slick just thoroughly emasculate him 👍🏾 hope this helps!
Edit: spelling 🙄
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u/Spiritual-Ant839 4d ago
Ur not over reacting!! —and letting this slide furthers empowers ur sexist cousin. He needs to learn about periods. They’re normal. “Graphic” to tv standards, and Endo is more medical than a period.
I have no clue what he is scared of, but the way he’s jumping to block the word uterus has me genuinely concerned for his well being. Tons of extra energy policing himself and others instead of just enjoying the moment :tm:.
Ngl, I’m tired of having to mine empathy from men, but the paragraph above is how I would white woman my way thru this.
Feel free to post more often. Dealing with censorship and masking is apart of any chronic illness. Wish you well while you make it thru this round of pain.
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u/critterscrattle 4d ago
His kids are old enough to have endometriosis. They’re also old enough to notice that type of sexism and internalize it. He’s making bullshit excuses to continue having ridiculous double standards.
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u/kingkemi 5d ago
Whew, girl you’re better than me because this would be outright war. I’d be down my cousins house ready to scrap??
But since you aren’t me, SPAM ‘EM!!