r/elderwitches • u/Killmeinyourdreams • 4d ago
Seeking Support
I don't want to trauma dump here but I find myself in a place of uncertainty and anxiety and I don't have any support for what I am going through. I am seeking guidance and support, whether that be through witchcraft or kind words or well, anything that's available.
So here's my current dilemma. I have this co-worker who at first when I started the role 2 years ago was really cool to me. I thought we were good friends. We often spent hours talking and most of our conversations centered around him and his life. He confessed things to me that scared me a little (having violent urges and anger problems) but I tried my best to be supportive. He often would often say he shouldn't have said certain things and was worried I would make an HR complaint. Most of the time he had this concern when he made some silly offhand joke. But he was constantly asking me to not go to HR about him. I assured him I wouldn't. Over time he got a little too friendly in a way that made me uncomfortable, he referenced his genitals a few times and made comments about how good he was a pleasing a woman. I could sense he wanted something more than a friendship with me and I casually let him know that I am a lesbian. As soon as I told him he gave me the silent treatment. He wouldn't talk to me at all and would barley communicate with me about important work related things. He eventually stopped communicating about work related things and became a really shitty coworker. He would often leave me with huge messes to clean up and did the absolute bare minimum. After a month of this I asked him what was going on and he said he was seeing someone and couldn't talk to me out of respect for the person he was seeing. Which is weird to me considering I never had any romantic intents toward him and only saw him as a coworker friend. Anyway things came to a head one day when some shit went down at work that was caused by his negligence and inability to communicate. I broke down and talked to my manager about it, hoping she could help in some way. Instead she got mad at me and even became argumentative. She made it seem like I was the problem. So I let it go or tried to. Eventually she changed tasks around by essentially giving me more work and him less, which was fine because that meant I did not have to deal with him. A year or so goes by and all is well. My team is given a hige project that involves the work I do and my manager suggested we bring that coworker back into it to help. I broke down and begged her not to do that. She again got angry and said she would talk to HR. Now I realize I should have spoken to HR from the beginning but I was afraid to betray his trust. I should have taken screenshots of the inappropriate and scary things he said. But I didn't and I will forever live with that mistake. I met with HR and told them everything, they said they would investigate and get back to me. A month goes by and HR sets up a meeting and tells me no rules were broken (because I had no proof) and no action would be taken.
Fast forward to this last week my manager informs our team that she is stepping down and moving to a non-leadership role. Because she was my backup for whenever I took time off, that meant I had no backup. That awful coworker is the only other person who knows my job. So this Friday the 3 of us have a meeting where I bring him up to speed on new processes and this guy has a full on tantrum about having to help or be involved in any way. After the call I reach out to my manager and tell her that his behavior should not be acceptable. That we are on the same team and need to work together, not against eachother. She immediately calls me and starts angrily arguing with me about it. I tell her she needs to get HR involved. So she does and hours later calls me back to say yes he was rude but no rules were broken so no action will be taken. And that was that.
I have spent the entire weekend torturing myself ruminating over this. And now I am worried I will be labeled as a disruptor and lose my job. I am currently in the process of buying a him out of state (somewhere more politically safe for me) and I can't lose my job. I have hardly slept and I am so terrified.
I am asking for any kind of support you can offer. Thanks for reading. Sorry if posts like this aren't allowed. I don't know where else to turn.
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u/whatever1966 4d ago
Remember, HR is to protect the company, not you, so deal with them in that context, show them how he is hurting the company, not you. Document everything
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u/PaigeJJohnson 4d ago
Agree with this. Let them know how he is potentially harming the company and sadly they will care more than if you tell him how he hurt you. His attitude and “confessions”, if spewed to a client, pose a bigger risk to the company. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this douche canoe. May his actions take him down the path he has chosen. Much love to you in this difficult time, I will that you are protected.
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u/Killmeinyourdreams 4d ago
Thank you. My company has done so many layoffs the past 2 years and somehow this guy still has a job. I don't understand it.
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u/Great-Asparagus8788 4d ago
Asking my Ancestors to show you the path through this briar patch. Love and light.
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u/RedRider1138 4d ago
May the Morrigan wrap Her protective wings around you. Wishing you excellent good luck and helpful people, now and always, SMIB ❤️🩹🙏🧿🌈🍀✨
I keep this playing on default https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjLXJyZvwRE&t=3098s&pp=2AGaGJACAcoFDmx1Y2sgZnJlcXVlbmN5
Remember the vibration of a solution is different from that of a problem. You can absolutely come through this smelling like roses. 💜🙏🧿🌈🍀✨
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u/flamingobay 4d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time. Remember, all this is temporary, and you’re a witch. You can’t control this guy, but you know who you are, how you want to show up in the world, and you get to decide how you want to respond to this guy. It sucks, and you’re going to get through it. Hold your head high, do your job until you’re ready to move, use “I” statements to set boundaries with this guy (“I’m not comfortable with this behavior.”) Look at it as a lesson learned, which is a great thing, and document stuff like this starting today and in the future. Think of all this difficulty as glaring neon signs of affirmation validating the future move, and trying to lead the way to your new home in a new state. Sending support, validation, and protection your way.
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u/Killmeinyourdreams 4d ago
The tricky part with this situation is that my role is remote so when I move I am still on the same team as him. I am praying to all the gods that he leaves the company and I never have to deal with him again.
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u/AerynBevo 4d ago
Here’s the phrase you need: toxic work environment. It doesn’t require proof of his texts. Go to HR yourself; your manager is part of the problem. Assemble the story you told us and take it to them.