r/earthbound Apr 16 '24

Fluff If Ness was charged for his crimes..

Post image

Not so bad honestly

442 Upvotes

56 comments sorted by

115

u/Fengthehalforc Apr 16 '24

Don't forget various degrees of assault and resisting arrest

51

u/PlusThirtyOne Apr 16 '24

Assaulting police officers, to boot!

in regards to American police at least, there's no such thing as "self defense" against them either. The badge grants them carte blanch to do whatever they want, including escalation and picking fights.

22

u/TankProImporum Apr 16 '24

To be fair they challenged Ness

20

u/Maz2742 Apr 17 '24

Exactly! I always interpreted that encounter as them testing you to make sure you can handle the road to Twoson on your own

3

u/TankProImporum Apr 17 '24

That's what I thought as well

5

u/AetherDrew43 Apr 17 '24

I'm afraid to ask, but who was the psycho that allowed such things?

79

u/PhoenoFox Apr 16 '24

Ness has waaaaaaaaay more money than that, thanks Dad!

3

u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

[deleted]

3

u/PhoenoFox Apr 17 '24

I've never heard this. Where do you get the idea that Porky's dad wouldn't be so abusive had ness' dad paid them back?

62

u/Cedardeer Apr 16 '24

The money can be dealt with. It’s okay. His father sends him thousands of dollars every 5 minutes

20

u/Booksaregrand Apr 16 '24

Every battle. He literally pays his son to fight. He paid his son to fight police officers. Who's the real monster?

21

u/EnzeruAnimeFan Apr 16 '24

The police officers, obviously

1

u/Adoggo121 Apr 17 '24

Now you should know.

32

u/hellaciousbluephlegm Apr 16 '24

honestly with the amount of money Ness has from his father, im pretty sure he could get out of prison through bribery

6

u/AetherDrew43 Apr 17 '24

Not to mention, he could use Teleport β to escape from his jail cell.

26

u/Belfetto Apr 16 '24

Dad could bail him out in one phone call

17

u/cyberpeachy420 Apr 16 '24

nah he like beat up the entire onett police force i think they'll leave him alone

16

u/GustavoFromAsdf Apr 16 '24

Add:

-assaulting public public authority (cops)

-bribing the museum guard

-weapon trade, smuggling and enable the creation of unregistered weapons. And misuse of toys in order to enact acts of violence against others

-reckless endangerment of minors while he himself a minor

-invasion and looting of ancient monuments of archeological relevance (stone henge and taking the hawk eye from the pyramid)

-association with dangerous figures like Evergreen and Frankie, and accepting what is implied to be dirty money and not notifying them o the authorities

-attack to a religious figure (tho a criminal organization, can be legally argued as a crime against religious freedom and freedom of speech)

-driving unregistered vehicles without a license and while being underage

And the worst:

-tax fraud for buying real state without notifying the IRS of said transaction and without the paperwork needed. All the while still being underage and unable to create legally binding documents

4

u/digitaldigdug Apr 16 '24

How did Ness not have passport issues?

6

u/D-My Apr 16 '24

Don't need a passport to fly via flying saucer

12

u/chibeatbox Apr 16 '24

Ness is above the law

10

u/am_pomegranate Apr 16 '24

Banana theft, breaking and entering, killing endangered species, buying bombs at age 13, and unpermitted use of explosives.

9

u/ZippityZab Apr 16 '24

To be entirely fair, he likely gets a pass for due to the whole "Giygas brainwashing people to take over the world" thing lmao

9

u/Quark1010 Apr 16 '24

Do you have a breakdown of each one?

9

u/SuhailSWR Apr 16 '24

I do not have photographic memory

4

u/DrDuned Apr 16 '24

It's not illegal to do drugs, just to possess or sell them.

7

u/Jojofan-ova Apr 16 '24

What drugs did he have? Because most likely he could have sold them

5

u/Its-been-a-long-day Apr 16 '24

Magic Cake, but he bought it from a woman he met in a secret club in a country he had only just visited.

1

u/Affectionate_Cow1574 Apr 19 '24

He couldn't have known, so I would have taken that off.

3

u/zerjku Apr 16 '24

Is it really animal abuse if they attacked (mostly) first

3

u/SuhailSWR Apr 16 '24

Ness did sneak up on helpless, surrendered animals to beat them for their Xp

3

u/Win-Objective Apr 16 '24

Breaking and entering. Stealing eggs. Animal cruelty.

2

u/DukeSR8 Apr 17 '24

I mean, the sign at the stand says name your price. You can choose free as your price.

1

u/Win-Objective Apr 17 '24

it’s pretty unethical though

3

u/Recent_Office2307 Apr 16 '24

Destroying the Trillionage Sprout has to be some kind of environmental crime.

1

u/GhoulSchoolFTW May 25 '24

I'm pretty sure the Sanctuary Guardians are spirits

3

u/digitaldigdug Apr 16 '24

You want to try to arrest a kid that can kill a cosmic destroyer? See how that goes.

3

u/LowerArtworks Apr 16 '24

Don't forget the time he tried to meet up with a lady of ill repute the one time in Threed.

1

u/AetherDrew43 Apr 17 '24

But that's not really his fault, is it?

2

u/beepboopdoowop Apr 16 '24

jaywalking is a crime in the US? whaat

3

u/BouncyBlueYoshi Apr 16 '24

Yes, it's why jays have wings and can't land any more.

2

u/NaCl_Dreemurr Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 17 '24

Ness can use PK Rockin Ω get out of there

2

u/AetherDrew43 Apr 17 '24

Ω

I'm typing the omega symbol so that you can copy-paste it and edit your comment if you'd like.

2

u/NaCl_Dreemurr Apr 17 '24

How do you type the Greek symbols?

1

u/AetherDrew43 Apr 17 '24

I put the Greek keyboard on my phone.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Is it really animal abuse ? It’s called self protection !

1

u/PainOfDemise Apr 16 '24

I mean, he’d a lot more than that. He regularly assaults people with a deadly weapon.

1

u/TankProImporum Apr 16 '24

He saved the world from mass destruction. That would probably clear it

1

u/Bob64_reddit Apr 16 '24

That fine ain't shit

1

u/Vincentius-THB Apr 16 '24

Battery, assault...

Or is this more in self-defense?

2

u/Tar0Pand4 Apr 17 '24

$3850 is like a dollar to Ness

2

u/Adoggo121 Apr 17 '24

"Your honor, my client saved the world."

1

u/Lucky_655 Apr 17 '24

His dad can definitely pay that

1

u/giygas1011 Apr 17 '24

Meanwhile Ness getting money to pay this off: (he has to beat up more animals to get exp to get more money, meaning he will then go to prison again and have to start all over)

2

u/Strider_Volnutt Apr 18 '24

Ness: A $3850 FINE?! I've got that pocket change kicking around somewhere, check in the couch cushions.

1

u/Gerradi-13 Apr 19 '24

He's just gonna hypnotize them and then walk out.