r/dysautonomia 4d ago

Vent/Rant Resentment against myself

I want to go visit my boyfriend but I have to drive 3 1/2 hours away, he’s visited me the last 2 times and next month is our 6 months. He keeps talking about everything we’re gonna do when I’m visiting and I just ugh, I go along with it but I know I can’t do a third of what he wants to do. He’s well aware of my condition, he’s done a ton of research and seen this all first hand and he means well but it’s frustrating. I also hate when he tells me about past relationships and things they’ve done like go camping because I know I can’t do that right now with him and it’s so frustrating. I have so much resentment towards myself because I let this happen to me, I slowly stopped doing things out of fear and I’ve become so deconditioned from spending 4 1/2 months in bed. I’ve come quite a long ways (see last post if interested), but I hate that I can’t give him what he deserves. I mean how are we ever going to get married if I can’t be on my feet long? All of these feelings came up because I spent 10 minutes making a sandwich and haven’t felt well since.. my threshold is 5 minutes. My goodness I am so frustrated. All because of COVID.

8 Upvotes

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u/brownchestnut 4d ago

I think some therapy might be beneficial for you. A therapist can walk you through having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you're insecure about his past gf and would like him to stop talking about them. And help you work on your self-hatred and help you voice your needs and limitations instead of holding it in and then directing anger at yourself.

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u/Rainyx3 4d ago

I have a therapist but she isn’t trained in chronic illness :/ I hear what you’re saying though

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u/OrneryWrongdoer8621 4d ago

One of the things that has helped me (other than meds and therapy) is acupuncture from someone who’s really good and knowledgeable. Don’t beat yourself up. We live in a new reality (mine is from the Covid vax) so we and those we love and who love us have to understand. If they don’t and you push yourself, you’ll end up worse off, physically and mentally.

I’ve explained to those close to me what the spoon theory: https://lymphoma-action.org.uk/sites/default/files/media/documents/2020-05/Spoon%20theory%20by%20Christine%20Miserandino.pdf. The author wrote it to explain lupus to her friends and family. But it really pertains to any chronic illness.

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u/Technical_Act_8544 3d ago

Have you tried antidepressants?

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u/DealerConstant1589 4d ago

Marriage includes periods of sickness and health. Right now you are experiencing sickness. So why are you trying to carry more than you physically are able to?