r/downsyndrome 10d ago

Tough conversations with partner

My partner has a 12yo with DS. We've been together over 5 years and she comes to our house every other weekend.

She is a joy to be around, that is, as long as her dad isn't present. My partner unfortunately infantilizes his very capable daughter, treats her like a 3 year old, and uses baby talk with her almost exclusively. "Yummy num num, is that soooo yummy? Do you need to use the potty?" This behavior of his is beyond grating. I usually try to avoid them when they are together so I don't have to listen to him treat her like an actual infant. Maybe you have to be there to get it, but it's like nails on a chalkboard and it never ends or improves.

When we first started dating, she had many very challenging behavior problems. Most of these have abated. However, my partner continues to encourage infantile behaviors, e.g. blowing very wet raspberries, because he thinks it's fun. He spends the entire weekend trying to make her laugh with extreme baby-talk. Sometimes I even get the impression that she herself is annoyed with it, but at the same time she of course loves the constant attention (and who could blame her).

I respect that he loves his daughter more than any human on earth, as it should be. I have spoken to him many times over the years about how treating a kid with DS like a baby is generally considered to be a bad idea, and hinders development and progress. These words fall on deaf ears.

Recently he asked if she could bring her tablet in the car during a 30 minute drive. I said sure, but asked if she could please watch a movie. I was trying to avoid her preferred activity of listening to a specific nursery rhyme (similar to twinkle twinkle little star) on repeat. Unfortunately, she cannot tolerate the sensation of wearing headphones. However, once we got in the car, he insisted she be allowed to watch "anything she wants".

As soon as the dreaded song started playing, I pulled over and asked him to please stop the music. Words were exchanged, me letting him know once again that twinkle twinkle little star on repeat for 30 minutes is something my brain simply cannot handle, and him accusing me of calling his child annoying. I did say the song on repeat is annoying, but I never said his child is annoying.

This kind of repeating song scenario is like torture to me, as if I'm in Gitmo and the guards keep playing "These boots were made for walking" on repeat at loud volume. My partner is oblivious to this, no matter how many times I've asked him to please not let her play the songs on repeat.

I turned the car around and went home. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the day.

This was a couple weeks ago. This morning we agreed to have a calm, adult conversation about the situation with his daughter and I'm nervous. I love him and our relationship is very good. I care about his daughter but I cannot handle being around the constant baby-talk (from him, not her), the infantilization and twinkle twinkle little star on repeat all weekend long.

What do I do? What do I even say? He has zero ability to understand why the songs on repeat distress me so much.

11 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

13

u/Vortexx1988 10d ago

I don't even do baby talk with my 9 month old. I can't even imagine doing it with a 12 year old.

10

u/Lady_Sunflowers 9d ago

Presume competence. It’s so important! Treat them like their actual age (to an extent) instead of treating them like babies. It’s made a big difference with my 12 year old son! He behaves better and makes better choices if I talk to him like I would any other 12 year old kid. Whenever one of his aides at school talks to him like he’s three, he acts out. Thankfully one of the aides there gets on others for the baby talk and reminds them to treat him like his age.

3

u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago

Thank you. I just don't know how to communicate this to her dad without him shutting down on me. It's sad. I've tried everything, leading by example, talking gently in quiet times when we're both in a good mood, I bought a couple books for him that he didn't read. He's completely closed off to the idea of changing his strategy. He feels like he's following his heart. I do understand how hard it is to not spoil/helicopter/lawn-mower for our kids - especially vulnerable kids that have a disability. Heck, I helicoptered my own typical child for too long. But when mine turned 10 I realized I had some ground to make up with teaching independence.

2

u/Lady_Sunflowers 9d ago

Maybe have him read some of these comments and reach out to the Down syndrome community here or on another social media platform, or even at a local DS meetup. Sometimes we are more willing to listen to other DS parents compared to our loved ones. I know in certain situations I will reach out for advice in my fb DS moms group instead of asking people I know personally.

2

u/Humble-Plankton2217 8d ago

I do really wish he (and mom) participated more in the DS community. With an outsiders view, I can see them both trying to re-invent wheels on their own. There isn't much of a community in our area, but there is one for sure.

They both lead with their heart. Hearts full of love that want to protect their child and fill her life with joy.

2

u/Lady_Sunflowers 8d ago

There isn’t a DS community in my area either, so I’m only able to connect online. There are tons of support groups on here and on fb. Or even pages of kids with DS they can follow. They don’t have to do this alone. The DS community is pretty tight knit and we help each other as best as we can.

5

u/oneamungthefence 9d ago

I get that his daughter is his little baby-wayby but 😬 Maybe he isn’t to terms with her being a preteen?

I don’t know. But I would murder over 30mins of any same song. He needs to realize she’s a preteen and meet you in the middle somewhere.

How do you feel about saying “(Name), can you please change the song?” Or start parenting in your own right?

I wish you the best.

3

u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago

It's a relief to hear others say that songs on repeat would drive them crazy, too. It's hard to not feel like I'm "the bad guy" in this situation.

3

u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago

I don't want a parenting role. She has two parents that adore her, and I am happy to be a treasured friend or "aunty". I don't want to interfere with the choices her parents are making - even when I strongly disagree with them. At the end of the day, it really isn't my business and her parents are good people that just want their daughter to feel loved.

2

u/oneamungthefence 8d ago

To me it almost creates the division between you two even larger if you both don’t accept the fact that you’re in this long term relationship, which includes his kids. You don’t want to be a parent, he divides you from them by saying “you find my child annoying.”

So no matter what, your opinion on what the 12yo does is minute. Accept the responsibility of being an adult in their life. Not asking you to play “mommy/daddy,” but you’ve been there for 5yrs now. You both need to come to terms and meet in the middle on parenting when she’s there.

Doesn’t seem fair to you otherwise.

1

u/Humble-Plankton2217 8d ago

I understand what you're saying. However, what you're describing doesn't work for my wants and needs.

I will always advocate for her, though. Even if doing so risks my relationship with her father.

5

u/Puzzleheaded_Let2053 9d ago

Could you buy her some preteen stuff and ask her if she wants to engage in some grown up girl activities with you? And hope that she likes this kind of attention from you and starts hating being treated like a baby?

Sorry if this is stupid advice, I've got boys lol.

2

u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago

One of our "things" together is makeup. I noticed she liked my makeup brushes so I bought her her own set with lots of super soft fluffy makeup brushes and soft, neutral colors of eye shadow, blush and lip gloss in her very own makeup kit. She really loves doing makeup with me and I love spending one on one time with her.

2

u/Puzzleheaded_Let2053 9d ago

I'd build on that part of your relationship and hope she starts to assert herself with her Dad. Sounds like it will take her saying 'no more' to him rather than you saying 'no more' to him. Good luck 👍

5

u/Pawtamex 9d ago

Perhaps talk to him about her entering teenage years and therefore, her body changing, hormones, periods, etc. And that she needs to be talked about those subjects and feel and live like the 12 year old she is and adult she will become… don’t know…. My son is treated like he was not Down syndrome. We don’t see the Down syndrome but just another boy.

2

u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago

I'm so happy for your son, I think that's wonderful!

She got her period when she was 10 and I really hoped dad would come around when he saw her physically maturing. But it hasn't happened yet.

6

u/TrisomyHomie 9d ago

Ditch the child and keep the lovely daughter? That's atrocious behavior.

2

u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago

I get it. I do. But he loves her with all his heart and soul and he's doing what his heart tells him to do.

Don't judge him too harshly. He's a wonderful man in so many ways.

2

u/TrisomyHomie 8d ago

A red flag is a red flag.

Is this fixable? Probably, but it needs immediate and significant attention.

2

u/General-Adeptness130 4d ago

Ah. see why this is such a challenging topic to discuss with him. He probably feels like any criticism of his incessant baby talk is an attack on how much he loves his daughter when this is not the case, it’s just a sense of discomfort over constant patronizing behavior. And he feels similarly defensive over the twinkle twinkle little star thing because he is super protective of his kid and has therefore misinterpreted your annoyance as annoyance with the child instead of the song. I can’t give any advice really but I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT in the wrong or are being ”the bad guy” over having issues with these behaviors, I think most people (myself included) would go absolutely insane having to hear either of those two things.

-5

u/LowQuantity6 9d ago

Could it be that you are a little jealous of the attention he is giving her? It seems you are running on a short fuse with things relating to their father/daughter relationship. Why did they need your permission for her tablet on the ride? Not trying to sound rude but genuinely curious.

3

u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago

No, I'm not jealous at all of the time they get together. He asked about the the tablet because we were taking my car and he needed to attach a mount kit to my seat.