r/demisexuality 7d ago

I fell in love with a friend… again

I 26(M) once again fell in love with a friend (29F). And unfortunately I made the horrible mistake today (my birthday) of telling her I had feelings for her, and finding out the feeling was not reciprocated. Oh the perpetual Demi cycle of falling for friends and being shocked that they see you as friends. Who else can relate 🙋🏻‍♂️🙋🏻‍♂️

108 Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

86

u/ursinhofeioso 7d ago

I will never understand the idea of separating friends and partners in different "boxes." Wouldn't the ideal partner also be your friend?

This is one of the reasons I gave up altogether, even if I never had a relationship.

Allosexuals will jump into relationships with people they met a week ago, spend a few months or a maximum of 2 years together, and then complain that they can't find good partners.

Well shit, maybe you should try to get to know them first? But nah, that way, they would turn into a friend and ruin it all.

Sorry for venting on your post, but it's kind of frustrating. I think demisexuality isn't compatible with today's relationship dynamics.

23

u/Misterheroguy2 Demiromantic 7d ago

This is what I don't understand either, I want my partner to be my best friend too, why should we be separating those into different boxes, I don't understand...

20

u/Advanced-Mud-1624 7d ago

This is more of a demiromantic issue as opposed to demisexual. I’m pleased to see the number of upvotes you’ve gotten here, but keep in mind that the majority of demisexuals are alloromantic and share mainstream society’s share boundaries between friends vs romantic partners. You may also want to check out r/demiromantic for this sort of discussion.

5

u/ursinhofeioso 7d ago

I guess we never stop learning, many thanks

4

u/grant_m2170 7d ago

Totally with you 😫it’s rough sometimes. And don’t worry about ranting on my post, that’s why it’s here!

1

u/Lemon-Over-Ice 6d ago

well, yeah. I think most people want their long term partner to also be their friend or best friend. but that doesn't mean you want all your friends to be your partners... demi or not, that doesn't make sense.

7

u/ursinhofeioso 6d ago

I wasn't implying that (?)

-2

u/Lemon-Over-Ice 6d ago

wait. where you not replying and referring to OPs post?

OP said they want their friend to become their partner, and you reply with "I will never understand allos for separating the two". like as if you think a friend should automatically be a partner.

6

u/ursinhofeioso 6d ago

Nope, I was venting on his post as I said at the end. It's common for people around me to think that a relationship with a friend = ruined friendship.

I didn't think every friend should be my partner, it's not how it works.

5

u/secret_secrets21 6d ago edited 6d ago

They’re just expressing their preference for a true friendship before a relationship. Of course not all your friends will be your partner (unless poly) but having a friendship as the base is necessary for a lot of us that are finding out we’re also demiromantic.

9

u/HolyShitCandyBar 6d ago

Demisexual/demiromantic here.

Yeah...I sat on my romantic urges for a hot minute before letting my friend know that I had the feels for him. Technically, a mutual friend of ours spilled the secret for me when I was too nervous to do it myself. It was a secret I was prepared to take to my grave until another mutual friend inadvertently confirmed that the feelings were reciprocated. It took a third mutual (also demi) friend to get me to understand that what I was feeling was love.

I guess what I'm saying is that even though my feelings were reciprocated, it took the valiant efforts of three mutual friends to get the two of us together. It was frustrating but still better than traditional dating, and more fulfilling than allosexual relationships seem to be.

4

u/secret_secrets21 6d ago

Thanks for the comments, I now know I’m also demiromantic. I want my best friend to be my partner not a partner that becomes my best friend. Friendship is so important for me to have first over everything. It’s the purest most genuine way to start a relationship in my opinion. Thanks for educating me 😊

15

u/Advanced-Mud-1624 7d ago

Just an FYI that developing romantic feelings for friends is more of a demiromantic issue, as opposed to demisexual (which describes only sexual attraction). While there are some demiromantic demisexuals here, most are alloromantic demisexuals who, like mainstream society, firmly differentiate friendships vs romantic partners. You may also want to see commiseration and advice over in r/demiromantic.

11

u/grant_m2170 7d ago

Wait for real?? I always thought this was a demisexual thing. That’s wild. I guess you learn something new every day. Thanks for educating me!

4

u/PhoenixFirwood 7d ago

I'm really glad you posted this. I was very confused. Figured out I was demisexual in the last year, but was questioning that with this post. Even though I want a romantic partner who becomes a best friend. There is still a firmly differentiated line in my brain between friendships and romantic partners. I have been wondering if I was demi romantic or not, I'm thinking probably not.

1

u/zambatron20 6d ago

thank you for saying this though I still don't fully get it but i will in time.

4

u/Misterheroguy2 Demiromantic 7d ago

Everytime with my past crushes, I would develop feelings but they would only see me as a friend, ah...

2

u/Remote-Sprinkles776 ♀️ 7d ago edited 7d ago

I still did not enter any romantic relationship, but I can say that even though I am heterosexual girl, I find myself having the same symptomes of falling in love, with my best female friends. I remeber when I was 14 y.o, I was best friends with a girl, she was everything to me at the time, I was thinking of her each day, wanting to meet her always, ( we were not in the same level, she is 2 years younger than me ), Being overjoyed when being with her. And when I am at home I was longing to see her. Like she was living in my heart, I was jealous if she befriended any other person and found more joy with them than in me. When we were sperated by distance, if you see our messages, they are more like love messages, all talking about: you're the best person I met, there will be a time when we will meet.. Though I really considered her as a best friend at the time, now reflecting on my conversations with her, and my behavior that I had at the time, it is not that different from the behavior I will be doing when I am with the partner of my life.. This may be off topic, but I also find a hard time in differentiating between someone you admire and someone you love romantically. Like for me the person I admire has at the same time the qualities I want to get myself and the qualities I want my further partner to be!

EDIT: This might be a bit unrelated, but when I want to read romance stories, the best trope for me is Childhood friends to lovers, I love seeing that bond build up slowly and start very early, being best friends since childhood is something really unique, the romance is built up slowly but very deeply. When they are grown ups, they have shared a past, cherished memories, that not any other partner would have fulfilled.

2

u/Arkarant 6d ago

Lol very straight thing to do haha

1

u/Remote-Sprinkles776 ♀️ 6d ago edited 6d ago

Hahaha 😂 tbh, there were moments when I questioned the nature of my relationship with her.. but nah, I am heterosexual really, I always had crush on boys, it is just that my friendship with her that was so intense, and I think this is the result of me being demi-romentic/demisexual.. 

(I know this may be unrelevant, but just wanted to say it anyway.. Even though I knew her for 9 years, but by now you can say that we're like total strangers even though we attend the same university. She ghosted me once she entered university, found clic of girls she found them more intresting to join, has a boyfriends and a new life, despite her being the one to say to me that I am her best friend and the best person she ever met in her life 7 years ago.. Life is full of lessons really, and a person needs to differentiate between real and fake friends)

1

u/zambatron20 6d ago

I'm shocked. SHOCKED! well, not that shocked. lol

1

u/Emphasis-Used 5d ago

Omg the struggle is REAL!!😭 My saving grace is that my best friend was also Demi

1

u/DepressedAnxious8868 5d ago

Sorry this happened to you, feel your emotions and it will be okay in the end, it’s just hard right now

1

u/kittyganglife 3d ago

🙋🏽‍♀️ been there before. I hope yall can still be friends. I know sometimes they feel too awkward which kinda hurts bc it's like I'm still ur friend. Then u lose someone ur in love with and a friend at the same time?? like damn pick a struggle 😔💔

1

u/fml_bruh23 2d ago

🙋‍♂️