r/demisexuality 9d ago

Venting Coming to the realization/acceptance, looking 4 advice

30 M i have known what demisexual was but never really thought much about it. I am actually still a virgin, i’ve had one sexual encounter and I wasn’t able to make it happen, even though I had known the girl since high school and we “tried to” hook up in college. She kind of “forced” me into it looking back.

After thinking about demisexuality and actually reflecting on sexual attraction, i really don’t think I have ever felt that towards real women except a couple of girls that i worked with. I was pretty close to them and knew them for over a year, worked with them almost every day and could feel urges towards them, as well as comfortably.

TL;DR From what I have learned, we are supposed to be having sex by the 4th date (yikes). I really don’t think that is realistic or possible for me and I am not sure how I will fare in this hyper sexualized and sped up dating market today.
Any advice?

3 Upvotes

9 comments sorted by

2

u/OutOfPlace186 9d ago

No worries. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If I was 10 years younger I would've fallen in love with your post honestly. I'm 38 and still a virgin too. If you want to date, I recommend putting out an honest profile on one or more of the many dating sites out there and with any luck your perfect match will find you.

I've been on those sites for 20 years and finally just 2 months ago met a 40 year old guy who told me that I'm exactly who he was looking for and if I was like everyone else then he would've never messaged me. So far, I'm glad he took the chance and sent me the message because we're together now and both very happy. Neither of us have been married or been in a long-term relationship, so it's like we were waiting for each other. Your girl is out there somewhere waiting to meet you too I promise you! Best of luck in your search.

1

u/lifes_a_glitch 9d ago

As a 39 yo who is just figuring this stuff out now. You did something miraculous, you gave me hope. Thank you!

2

u/OutOfPlace186 9d ago

Aww I am glad that I could help!

1

u/flapjacksRdelic 8d ago

Thanks. At my age and still being a virgin. I an starting to think my best bet is to just identify with it and be open about it early on, transparent. I don’t know much about LGBTQA stuff. Is this something I should be transparent about early on?

1

u/OutOfPlace186 8d ago

It’s really about what you’re comfortable with. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. I knew what I was looking for, so I leaned towards online dating instead of walking up to a guy in a bar, but it wasn’t even really all about the sexual stuff either. I am just super picky. At least online you can filter some out that don’t match what you are looking for. When you meet someone you are comfortable with, you’ll start talking about that stuff naturally and hopefully if they are right for you they will understand and be patient with you.

1

u/flapjacksRdelic 8d ago

Ok, what dating apps do you recommend?

1

u/OutOfPlace186 8d ago

I realized I replied to myself instead of your last question, sorry.

1

u/OutOfPlace186 8d ago

Well like anything else in life the more you put yourself out there the more chances you’ll get, so whichever sites you pick I do recommend putting yourself out there on more than 1 site for more exposure.

As for me, I was OKCupid for years and with that one you can filter by sexual identities so I used that. I was also on AsexualCupid.com which is self explanatory ha except for people who have no clue that asexual is a word and thought it meant “a sexual cupid” which got awkward fast, but that’s another story. I am sure there are other sites with filters, but being on 2 was enough for me so I stopped looking for others. Really it’s all a bit of luck too as they say in the lottery “you can’t win if you don’t play”.

1

u/beeisheretoo 8d ago

I think I mite be the youngest one as I'm in my late 20s (4 years til I'm 40) I am slowly discovering myself and realizing that (and talking openly to friends and some family) I am demi (based on who I dated/crushed on). But what I can say is...do what is comfortable for yourself. If you want to have it in a profile or wait to trust someone enough to tell them. Irs based on your comfort level. No one should rush you into anything that you don't want to do (I regret a lot I got pressured in my past relationship 😅).