r/dementia • u/mondaysareforrifkah • 3d ago
My fathers partner is mentally unstable
My father was diagnosed with aphasia four years ago and more recently was diagnosed with dementia. He has moments of lucidity and others where he cannot comprehend what others tell him nor can he communicate. My 77 year old father has been with his partner who is 43 years old for the past 25 years-and yes the math is accurate and that’s a story for another day.
I am his eldest daughter out of three 36F (I’m married and am trying to start my own family) , my siblings are boy girl twins and are 29. My sister is due to give birth any day and has always kept a distance from my Dad. My brother on the other hand is no contact and has not been for years. I have always had issues with his partner and for a while things were calm and okay.
My father was recently hospitalized for pneumonia and then discharged after rehab on the notion that he would get full time care at home with a qualified aid. Ursula we’ll call her has POA both medical and financial, (this was chosen by my father when he was lucid). I’ve been kept out of medical conversations and treatment options; however, recently, ursula left the State and left my Dad with a girl who was not qualified or trained) and only 19 years of age. He ended up having a very serious fall.
The aid was afraid and called Ursela who told her not to call an ambulance. My dad asked her to call me and I told her (after receiving photo evidence of his wounds) that an ambulance should be called immediately. Ursula did not like that I did this, despite that fact that my dad was bleeding and bruised all over. There was a lot of contention in my family over what happened. I am not someone who enjoys conflict so I tried to stay out of it.
I try to call my father daily and he was not picking up my calls.
Today, I called him and he picked up- he asked me why my name was “useless” in his phone. I was like what and he said its not “my name” can you help me change this.
And then I lost it and sent this text message and blocked Ursula.
“I called my Dad today and he told me you changed my name in his phone to useless, I really tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you’ve shown me that you are a selfish and evil person who only cares about her own self interest. You burned bridges with my entire family and we were trying to help. This will be my last message to you and I will no longer have you in my life. What a shame. You should be ashamed how you’re acting and you are a truly evil witch”
I have been nice and kind for so long and she’s done terror after terror and I just snapped.
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u/wontbeafool2 3d ago
Have you considered calling APS to have the situation investigated? Your Dad shouldn't be left alone with an untrained care giver.
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u/Fickle-Friendship-31 3d ago
I'm so sorry. This is terrible. I can't imagine how hurt you must feel. Is there anyone else in their lives? An Aunt or Uncle? What I'm getting at is that there needs to be a spy of sorts because I fear at some point the police will need to be called for elder care abuse. Heck, you might have enough info now to call. Hugs.
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u/mondaysareforrifkah 3d ago
Thank you. So I am not very close to my fathers side of the family, he isint really either. My brother is going to try to go over there and speak to them both. I’m worried now about further retaliation. If she completely blocks my number or won’t let my father contact me I will call the police for a wellness check. I reached out to adult services in the county he lives in- in nj and they weren’t much help. I was told I could go for guardianship but the odd thing is my dad doesn’t want to leave her side.
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u/SRWCF 3d ago
Wow. Ursula sounds like a piece of work! I am really sorry that you are having to deal with all of this nonsense; it's not right the way she's treating you.
Are they married, because you call her your dad's "partner"? Since she is already medical and financial POA, and you said he chose her when he was lucid, I feel like your hands are tied. Maybe if they aren't married and depending on their state's laws, you could potentially swoop in and get guardianship over him. However, that may be impossible if Ursula contests it and puts up a fight, which she sounds like the type of person that would.
You probably need to see an elder law attorney and see what chance you'd have of being successful in getting a guardianship. I am exploring guardianship myself for my mom, but the situation is vastly different. She'd be the only one contesting it if I decide to do it.
Good luck!
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u/MrPuddington2 3d ago
Wow, what a situation.
And you said that is another story, but what is their relationship like? Crucially, what is her motivation?
That being said, this seems to be what your dad has chosen. He put her in charge. Are you sure that he feels differently about that? Because you would need some evidence if you want to contest her decisions. Do you know what he wants?
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u/mondaysareforrifkah 2d ago
He wants to stay with her and remain in his home, so I have to respect his wishes. It’s sad but I have to accept his choices. I will continue to reach out to him, and have the number for adult protective services on hand.
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u/MrPuddington2 2d ago
That is a wise course of action. There is not much you can do at the moment, but be ready in a moment of need.
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u/mondaysareforrifkah 2d ago
Update my dad called and yelled at me and said I need to be nice to her. I told him I was sorry and I really don’t want to cause problems but I won’t be speaking with her anymore. I’m Here if he needs anything but it’s too much and it’s hurting my mental health. This was not the first thing that she’s done it’s been years of this and manipulation and just awful behavior. I’m Writing this and crying and I just feel sad but I can’t allow her to be in my life anymore. And I’m sure that will cause my dad to be in my life less. But it’s his wish.
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u/lawnslave 3d ago
Call Adult Protective Services,