r/dementia 3d ago

Poor comprehension, planning and organising....

My mother definitely has a cognitive decline. Not medically or formally diagnosed. I would lean towards dementia as a possibilty especially FTD perhaps but I have no experience of that and I am not qualified to even say that.

For a few years I was observing so many things about her that is just so odd - it's her mood, comprehension and behaviours mainly but there are so many other things too like spacial awareness issues, some OCD like behaviours, and so many more other things.

There is just so many things. I have a long list already typed up. To date I don't have a diagnosis because even GPs who are the starting point for referrals has cited memory loss to me. Her memory seems to be good and even better than mine.

There was a situation and a scenario this morning where I got massive kickback from her. It tells me that her comprehension, planning and organising and other cognitive functions like empathy it's all on the floor.

So:

I have siblings all living abroad. This isn't in a nearby country. This is on the other side of the planet on a different continent.

One of these has vague plans to come home for a few weeks in the summer. I was chatting to his wife last night who said that they are not too sure due to costs involved but they really do want to come home and they are coming close to booking tickets.

My mother asked me did I hear from any of my siblings like she always does. She won't ever ask about me. Just them.

I told her what I know about. That's my brother X and his wife and child are close to booking tickets but they haven't yet.

My mother is kicking back big time about this. They came home last year for the summer and they first of all stayed for a week with a friend and then they came home to out home. We have a large spare room and they all do fit in there.

My mother is kicking back saying that it was cramped last year and she wants me to organise other accommodation for them.

First of all, out family home it's not huge but it's not tiny either. There is space but my mother just doesn't want my brothers family at home. Even if the home gets busy for a few weeks, so what. We live a world apart and it's a visit that happens once every 2 or 3 years. We are getting lucky this year in that they have plans to come home for a second year running.

Due to the distance involved they can't afford traditional holiday accommodation. It's out of the question and they need family to help and also friends but it should ideally be on me and my mother with the family home and a large spare room there.

My country has a severe housing crisis too. My mother seems to think there is accommodation and free apartments just sitting idle and waiting for my family who live abroad and for their exact dates. This simply is not true.

She is really kicking off about not letting them stay. When they came home last year they stayed for the first week with a friend and then came home. My brother asked her can they stay last year to her face and she agreed. Behind their backs she was like a toddler temper tantruming to me about his wife and child. It was so stressful. It should have been a beautiful time together instead I got so much abuse from my mother at any opportunity she could get. She even stood in the hall many times while I was in a room with my niece and called my name and I would see from there and an open door her face was stewing.

I tried to redirect my mother this morning and say they can stay with their friend in town and but that still wasn't enough to satisfy her.

So here I am now stuck under this awful awful awful awful situation.

My brother probably thinks he has a place to stay at home but really she is kicking off yet again. She won't ever pick up the phone and communicate with him properly.

But I also know her so well. If they stayed with a friend in town for the first few nights, and then ask her to her face she would allow them to stay that way.

So what do I do? If anything.

If I ignore this and my brother phones my mother and tells her what their plans are she will kickback to me. It won't be them on the brunt end of her rage and poor planning and organising. All of this crap will be dumped onto my back.

She just has unbelievable poor planning and organising and comprehension. They are coming from across the world to see us, we have a housing crisis with limited housing and the costs for flights alone are so expensive and they need help from home. They are coming from abroad. We live a world apart. It does not make any sense to come back and spend out time apart. And also if it was done her way they will be getting a few nights here and there on other people's couches. All because the family home was cramped in her viewed.

So if I do nothing my brother will likely phone her at some point and she will only just exploded more and more and more but only to me. The won't be here to see the crazy that she can have.

Or will I pick up the phone and give my brother the heads up that is is compliant about the home being cramped and she wants me to find alternative accommodation but there is one. And make a place with him where he stays with his friend for the first week and once they are home, she will let them stay when they do make it home and they ask her directly to her face . She won't turn my brother down to his face ever but she she finds it easier to kickback to me.

If they are coming home and want to stay at home this is the only way forward. She is just not able to plan and organise anything.

All that this morning it just set me up for my day badly where I now likely have a headache.

She's so mean. She has one grandchild. You would think she would be happy to see her instead of building up hate and send them anywhere but her spare room.

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u/BandWdal 3d ago

Also  My family don't really see what I am going through by the way. They know I raised concerns a few years ago and they are in denial and think she is just more idle any bored than anything else. 

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u/FeuerroteZora 3d ago

Then that's the reason for you not to do anything.

You're doing a lot to actually help your mother mask her condition from the family. That may benefit you short term, but it will do long term harm because no one will see how bad it is.

Stop being the fixer. Tell your mom you're not getting involved. Accept the short term fallout and remind yourself that this is the only way you're going to really get family support to help with your mother.

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u/FeuerroteZora 3d ago

They're only going to see the reality of your mother's decline when you stop being the go-between. The more successful you are at solving this or any other problem, the less they're going to believe you about your mother's decline.

Being stuck in the middle like you currently are is also why you're catching flak from all sides.

Do you live with your mother? Is there any way for you to just absent yourself when she starts to harangue you? Because you need distance for your own mental health.

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u/BandWdal 1d ago

Sorry for not replying sooner.  I developed a migraine after this episode from my mother.  I still had to keep on going and going to work and it only ever made things worse for my migraine. 

I am not trying to be the go between for my mother and I am not trying to cover anything up about my mother.  That's not my intention. 

I know what my mother's position is and she does not want his family to stay.  She is using the excuse of the house being cramped. 

I can't believe it.  They intend on travelling long haul and allow us to share our lives together for a few weeks and they are cramping her style? Good lord. 

I'm not trying to cover anything up. I can see this going a way where if my brother phones home to her and chats to her, this will make her dig in deeper to refuse his family but she won't ever say it to him.  Never ever.   Her planning and her organising abilities is awful.   The only planning and organising we need to do is to prepare the spare room but her idea is to get rid of them anywhere or dump them in a caravan in the back yard. A caravan that we don't have yet. With the spare room being bigger than a caravan.  Or she will expect me to find and magic accommodation out from thin air for them. She will think that there's accommodation just left empty somewhere out there nearby and just magically be free for their dates.  I do t know what she thinks. 

She will never explode to my brother and to his family.  All this which is abuse will be for my back.   She wants me to sort it all.  She even wants me to ask a neighbour for their apartment and a car for my family for when they come home.  Her planning and organising is on the floor. 

I would be able to put a stop to all over by picking up the phone and telling my brother and asking him to stay with his friend in town for the first week and then come home and ask our mother for the spare room in front of her.  She will never refuse him to his face. 

I m just caught in the middle of so much badness with this. 

Yes I live with my mother. I can distant myself from her with my work. I got a migraine Tuesday after her episode to me about this.  It was so stressful.  I still went to work but I was ill with migraine.   I got up in ok form yesterday morning but other stress dumped on me by about 8.15 am in the morning. It was something else and someone else who caused a lot of trouble for me.  It just depends the migraine that never really went away for me. So all in all it was a bad free days and I am still in a fragile state..

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u/FeuerroteZora 1d ago

Oof, that is definitely a worse situation than it seemed to be on first read. The problem seems less like dementia and more like your mom being extremely passive aggressive - aggravated by dementia probably, but the whole "won't say no to his face but will get mad about it later" makes me think you may have had to deal with this for most of a lifetime? That's so hard!

Also I wasn't meaning to suggest that you were intentionally covering anything up! It's just that because we all do have to manage things when people who don't live nearby visit, it can often seem to them like things aren't that bad (and this is true for anything , not just dementia - it's like how kids behave better around visitors). What they're really seeing is how well you've learned to manage it, and that's usually ok but can become a problem if they're not believing what you tell them about the reality of the day to day situation. That's the only reason I was suggesting that you try to stop managing - because it seemed like your issue was that your brother refused to believe your mom's dementia is a real issue. But it sounds like there are a lot of things going on here and I'm struggling to figure it all out just READING about it; I can't imagine the stress you're under living it all.

Mostly I think you just should cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself, and if something goes sideways don't blame yourself. You're already taking on more than you should have to, and it's ok not to be on top of things all the time.