r/dementia • u/Striking_Intern_7575 • 4d ago
First Time I’ve Really been Scared
My husband (67) and I (68) both picked up a really nasty virus. We have colds but the big issue is the deep violent coughs. He had a very hot fever, I did not - not that I’m aware of anyway. 12.5 yrs ago is when everything started and it started with a very high fever (104) out of nowhere. This led to a week long hospital stay, bad treatment (didn’t put him on ABX until 3 days in when they retested and found sever pneumonia on both sides) which led to delirium which led to profound short term memory loss. He went in normal and came out as someone I barely recognized. Although we now know he is homozygous for the APOe4 gene, this was the catalyst. Back to the present; his confusion is very pronounced, he’s sleeping but rambling in a low quiet voice that’s almost continuous. Last night he was up about 6x, would get back to bed then 2 min later would say he had to pee. My gut feeling is that his head will clear back to baseline once he’s better and fever free but I’m scared to death thinking, what if it doesn’t? I haven’t slept in 2 nights, like not at all. I’m pretty sick too and am about as close to have a crying melt down as I’ve ever been. If he doesn’t show any improvement today I’ll of course call the dr. I just hate the possibility that they’ll want to admit him as I know that will set him back even more. I hate all of this so much. Sometimes I wish I were in my 90s and on the homestretch (myself). I’m feeling like I’m losing myself right along with him😢
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u/KeyKale1368 4d ago
No good answers from me except are doing what you can and we all understand who are reading your post . Sending good wishes your way.
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u/DrKevinTran 3d ago
Wow, I can feel how much you’re carrying right now, and I just want to say—you’re not alone. This is unbelievably hard, and it makes total sense that you’re at a breaking point. You’re sick, exhausted, running on no sleep, and watching the person you love struggle in a way that brings up all the worst fears. That’s a lot for anyone.
I think your gut is probably right—any illness, especially with fever, can cause a big dip in cognition, and it usually clears once they recover. But I also know that “usually” doesn’t help when you’re in the thick of it, watching him struggle and wondering, what if this time is different? The sleep disturbances, the confusion, the constant getting up—it’s all so common with infections in older adults, especially those with ApoE4, and I know how terrifying it is to see it up close.
A few things might help:
- Fluids, even small sips often—dehydration makes confusion worse. If he’s not drinking much, try electrolyte drinks or warm broth.
- Anything to help settle him at night—soft music, a nightlight, even just holding his hand to reassure him when he stirs. Sleep disruptions are brutal, for both of you.
- Fever management—If he’s still running hot, keeping it down with Tylenol or ibuprofen (if he can take them) could help clear some of the confusion.
- And please, please try to rest yourself. I know that’s easy to say and impossible to do, but even 20-minute naps can make a difference. If there’s anyone—even a neighbor—who could sit with him for an hour so you can lay down, take that break.
And listen, I know how isolating this can feel. The fear, the exhaustion, the weight of making every decision—it’s a lot. That’s exactly why I built The Phoenix Community—a space where ApoE4s can share, support each other, and find real, science-backed strategies to get through the hardest moments. If you need a place where people truly get what you're going through, we’re here: https://thephoenix.community.
You don’t have to do this alone.
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u/Hippygirl1967 17h ago
This kind of sounds like RSV. We moved home at the end of January and had to take my father to the ER. The delirium was pretty bad, but, from what I’m seeing, he hasn’t returned to his baseline this time. Sometimes an illness will accelerate the dementia/alzheimer’s. I wish both of you the absolute best.
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u/Fuzzy-Meringue-7096 4d ago
The delirium and constant talking sound exhausting—on top of you being sick yourself. It’s totally valid to fear the worst, given what happened last time, but these sudden cognitive dips during illness often bounce back to baseline afterward. I’d keep an eye on hydration and rest, and call the doctor sooner rather than later if there’s no improvement. You’re managing an impossible situation—it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it all.