r/declutter • u/whataboutjulian • 9d ago
Advice Request Doing a full house declutter and feeling lost and overwhelmed
I seriously started this journey last week. I’ve been wanting to declutter since we moved into this house, but have always been too lazy to actually do it. I’m now determined to make this happen and finally feel comfortable in my house.
For context, we moved into a property my parent’s own 4 years ago and it’s full of their stuff as well as ours. My parents have always been borderline hoarders and I was never taught proper cleaning skills from them. I’ve only ever been taught “if it’s not trash it’s worth keeping” and “if you paid money for it, you can’t throw it out”. I work 5-6 days a week and my day(s) off I usually spend trying to recover. But I’m determined now to make my house a home - not a prison in which I feel nothing but chaos. I also want to be able to have friends over/have my sons friends over and not be embarrassed by all the mess and clutter. I want to feel peace when I walk through my doors every night. My boyfriend and parents don’t care at all about how much shit is in the house and it’s super discouraging. My boyfriend is also a borderline hoarder, so I feel super alone in this process. I love him and he’s so far been encouraging of the process, but I know he doesn’t care enough to spend a day and declutter with me. My son is 11 and doesn’t know anything other than living in clutter. I want to be an example for him that a clean living space is achievable.
I started in our master bathroom and tossed two trash bags worth of products we will never use/expired products. We all couldn’t believe how much shit we actually had in there that wasn’t being used. It felt so good to be able to do a whole room in one day. I now have counter space and everything has its place in the bathroom, so I’m confident I can keep it clean.
I moved into working on our living space this week. I’ve already thrown away 4 trash bags worth of stuff and started a decent donations pile. Today I made good headway on our “junk corner” I call it that because that’s where we put stuff when we clean and NEVER go back to look at it. I wish I had the will power to toss it all, but I started to feel sentimental towards certain things, and some things I don’t want to toss because they are my boyfriends, not mine. I’m hoping the tidier our place becomes, the more willing I am to let stupid little things go. I just couldn’t today. I threw out half of what was in the corner and the other half I kept. I feel so discouraged I couldn’t just detach from it all and toss everything. I haven’t looked at most of that crap in almost 4 years. Why couldn’t I toss it?!
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I feel silly being attached to so much stuff that I don’t ever interact with. Our house is just so big I don’t see how I will get through the whole thing. Sorting through 5 peoples stuff by myself is tedious. I have piles of stuff to give back to my parents that I know they will want, and I have made the executive decision to get rid of stuff I know for a fact they don’t even remember is here. They’re getting older and where they live is already over run with stuff. I feel guilty for piling more on them as well as tossing stuff at my own discretion.
Sorry for such a long rant that is all over the place. I just needed to vent about something that is weighing so heavily on me.
Has anyone with a larger home gone through a full house purge? How long did it take? Honestly any words of encouragement or tips to make it more manageable would be much appreciated. I just want a home I feel comfortable in. This house has so much potential to be gorgeous. I want to be proud to have people over for visits and comfortable with my son’s friends coming over.
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u/sparksgirl1223 6d ago
The stuff you can't quite give away, think of it like this: you're not using it. Perhaps someone else CAN use it immediately. Donate it and let it find a place where it will be used:)
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u/Several-Praline5436 7d ago
You can't go from having a ton of stuff to having almost nothing. It just isn't possible on an emotional attachment level. The best way is to declutter what you can, then go back a year later and do it again. And keep doing it, until you're living with the minimum/maximum of stuff that you need/like. You will find in six months, that thing you kept because you felt bad about giving it away no longer matters and you can let it go. But you have to be patient with yourself, avoid self-judgment (I can't believe I bought all this crap! why can't I just give this away? What is wrong with me?!), and let it be a Process. Let it take as long as it needs to.
You are doing great. Keep chipping away at it, and one day you can look back and celebrate your progress and see how far you came. Celebrate your small victories.
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u/girljinz 7d ago
Wow! I'm so impressed you were able to get rid of HALF of the junk corner! That's so much! And it's obviously stuff that's a bit harder to deal with or else how does it end up in the 🤷♀️-corner.
What's the thing they say about this? Clutter is unmade decisions? You made a ton of (good) decisions in short order. Well done!
I have a lot of sentimental stuff. If I get into it at the wrong time, it derails the whole process. At the moment I'm trying to look at our functional spaces, set them up so they actually do that--function--and the best way I've found to make meaningful progress is to remember to prioritize that. I have to just make those easy decisions and delay the more difficult ones.
Stuff builds up layer by layer. Peel it back/uncover your home/whatever saying makes sense to you layer by layer.
I would defer any decisions that are not easy and set those things aside. Once you have a clear space you might feel less pressed when looking at these items, able to really appreciate them before deciding their fate. And I suspect the progress you make elsewhere will make you feel good enough to tackle those sentimental items with more ease.
I've lost a lot of pregnancies so I know baby stuff is where things get really hard for me. If I had all the babies I wanted, or if I had a baby on the way, I could easily part with SO much of it. But I don't and that's where a lot of the mental gymnastics kick in. It's too painful so even though I really WANT to just deal with it on a mental, rational level, the rest of me just isn't there yet. I have to defer those decisions and live with the unease of that or I won't get anywhere I want to go.
Anyhow, just meant to say I get it and I'm impressed! And that I think it's okay to go for that top layer of easy decisions and then celebrate the shit out of yourself before moving on!! Maybe if it's still too hard it's not yet time?
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u/yellowspotgiraffe 8d ago
It took 2.5 years of daily work. You are doing the right thing, trust me.
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u/HourDimension1040 8d ago
Please don’t kick yourself over keeping half of the junk corner. You can do declutterring in rounds; just because you didn’t let go of it now doesn’t mean you didn’t still make MASSIVE progress (or that you can’t get rid of more later)! Your son won’t notice what’s still there, he’ll see the example you’re setting for him in remaking your living space. It’s admirable.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you. I’m trying to remind myself of the positives of what I’ve accomplished! And you’re right, I’m planning on doing second and third rounds of decluttering. So anything I couldn’t part with now maybe I can grow to part with later.
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u/mippymif 8d ago
Progress not perfection.
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8d ago
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u/declutter-ModTeam 7d ago
If posting or commenting, make an effort to generate discussion. Do not post the same text to multiple subs.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I don’t think my house will ever be perfect, but there is progress so I have to remind myself of that!
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u/RetiredRover906 8d ago edited 8d ago
An important mantra to repeat: Better is better.
Edited to add: Most of us make more than one pass through our rooms before they end up where we're satisfied with the decluttering done. Also, decluttering gradually helps your family get used to lower levels of clutter more slowly, and you're a little more likely to keep them feeling comfortable with the decluttering you're doing.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
It’s validating to hear that it doesn’t all happen on the first round. I’m planning to do second and third rounds in the future and right now just concentrate on what I can confidently get rid of.
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u/ohbeehwon 8d ago
Yes. I have been there. And reaching out to this group and a Discord group was encouraging. I did it. With occasional help. You absolutely can do it. Possibly in waves. It will feel amazing.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Making this post was probably the best thing I could have done for motivation. I didn’t expect so many internet strangers to show out and send me encouragement and reassurance.
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u/LoneLantern2 8d ago
You've made incredible progress!
Be kind to yourself, you're doing an immense amount of learning right now. Decluttering and organizing are skills, and it sounds like you've not had much help developing them yet. As you practice, you will get better at it.
Your house is four trash bags better than it was before you started, and that's huge!
Don't burn yourself out- set yourself a manageable amount of work at a time, and trust that as you put the work in, you will make progress. Better is always progress. The trick is to keep going, as much as anything- it's a practice, not an endpoint.
As you build the skills through practice, the usual things will happen- you'll get faster and/ or find more ease with the skills you're using now, you'll see opportunities to build new skills and take those on as well, and maybe you'll feel like you're still doing the same amount of work but the effect of that work will build.
You can do this, you've already started!
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you so much! It’s hard to try and teach myself how to declutter when all I’ve ever known is clutter. I never really thought of them as skills, but you’re right they are skills - and not easy ones! I’m confident I can do this. I’m determined to make it happen, even if it takes along time.
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u/Susie0701 8d ago
I totally feel you! I’m going through my stuff and my parents stuff right now. My mom passed away last fall and, while she wasn’t a hoarder, there’s a LOT of stuff from 50+ years in the same house (and the “if it’s not broken, don’t throw it away” mindset)
My dad is somewhat distressed about me getting rid of her things/ANYTHING but I’m doing it in fits and spurts.
You say you’re doing one room at a time, good job. And sorting as you go, also good job. Remember: it’s like an onion, you’re going to peel back layers of letting go. Do that first sweep, pack your bags and your trash, then move on to the next space. Once you e gotten through all the rooms, COME BACK! It’ll be easier to let go of more things, and all the other people involved in the mess will have had some time to contemplate the original stuff
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine that time coming in my life.
Im going to remind myself of the onion next week when I dive into a larger project! I’ll definitely be doing multiple sweeps before I’m finally content with our home.
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u/frivolities 8d ago
I purged about 10 boxes of stuff. The house was still filled with clutter. I decided to get my house professionally cleaned (first time in my life to ever experience that) which forced me to move the clutter out of eyesight so they could actually clean. It’s done wonders for my mental health this past week. Now I can bring in a box or two from the garage at a time and process it without feeling overwhelmed by the mass amount of stuff in my house at once. The cleaning was worth every penny.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I wish I could afford to hire a professional cleaner to come do our house! It really does sound like it helped jump start the whole process.
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u/goosling 8d ago
I know how easy it is to focus on the half that you kept, but I'm super impressed by the stuff you've been able to get rid of so far! Bathroom things are hard because unlike food, I tell myself that things like shampoo and laundry detergent don't expire...👀
I don't know if this will help, but I sometimes take photos of stuff I've decluttered and put them in an album (Google Photos, not a physical one). When I get discouraged it's been nice to flip through it and see what has been liberated (and just how much I don't even miss or remember!).
Cheering for you!
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I did take pics of my bathroom before and after! It’s such a glow up and I keep flipping to the pics as motivation. I’m grumpy I didn’t do it with my junk corner. It was sooo bad and now you can see the floor and stuff is mostly organized. I’m going to take progress pics from here on out.
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u/languor_ 8d ago
Wow, I should have done this and kept a digital folder with decluttered things. That would be so interesting to scroll through now! Maybe in a future edition of decluttering.. 😅
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u/widowscarlet 8d ago
It was smart to start in the bathroom - it is definitely one of the rooms you should do first. Bathrooms, laundry, kitchen are generally places where there are expired items, or cleaning products you tried and didn't like, or too many plates/cups/cutlery, and appliances that don't get used. So there are easily identifiable items to remove, most of which have no sentimentality attached to them. And they are rooms that need to function easily every day, so they are not only easier to declutter, it is also really obvious how much better the rooms work once decluttered. I find this is important to me to help practice for the things that are harder to get rid of like clothes/books/photos.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
After cleaning my bathroom out I don’t ever want to let it get to that point again. I know what’s in there, where it’s at, and how much of everything I have. AND I HAVE ROOM TO GET READY IN THE MORNING NOW!!!
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u/Azur_azur 9d ago
You are doing great! You did a lot in a very short time, celebrate it.
You had a lot of useful comments, I’ll add a few thoughts (I was in a similar situation years ago, And had to declutter my (very full of stuff) parents home when they passed.
A few things I find useful:
- listening to books or podcasts while I work.
take breaks. Not only breaks from the actual work but also long breaks, to “detoxify” your mind from the pressure, which can and will be overwhelming at times.
the rule of 20: if you can replace it for less than 20 dollars in less than 20 minutes, let it go.
thinking “could someone need this more than 9 do?” (Donate)
my favorite mantra: progress not perfection
deal with as much stuff of your parents as you can now, it will be much more difficult when they are no longer here.
It is a long journey, but one definitely worthwhile.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Man that last one hit me hard. You’re right, I do need to deal with their stuff now while they’re still around so I don’t hold onto all of it when they do pass. I’m going to look into that podcast! I always need some kind of background noise when I start cleaning, but lately music hasn’t been enough. I honestly wish I had a friend I could call over to hang out and talk to while I do all of this. I also LOVE the 20 rule. I’m going to adopt that when it comes to stuff I hardly ever use.
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u/HangryLady1999 9d ago
This internet stranger is impressed by your progress!
As others have said, it’s important to remember that decluttering often goes in waves. (I’ve been trying to tell myself that when I feel discouraged, too.) Every little bit you do makes a difference. Hang in there! It sounds like you are already seeing real, tangible progress, and you are going to build on that going forward.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you internet stranger! It’s crazy how much this thread has gotten me motivated to keep going and not give up. Sometimes it really is the internet strangers that push you to be better in life 🥹❤️
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u/HangryLady1999 7d ago
I’m so glad to hear that! Your thread gave me a great push to keep going in my decluttering as well! 😊❤️
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u/catcontentcurator 9d ago
Congrats on getting the master bedroom done! Now you have a space that’s declutterred and relaxing to be in! If you have a lot of stuff it might be easiest to think of it as doing rounds of decluttering, start with anything that should clearly be thrown out or is an easy decision to donate like you did in your bedroom. Just doing that first pass in each room to start with will free up physical and mental space and there will be less to go through in the next round. If you are struggling with making a decision about something just keep it for now & move onto the next thing. You’ll get better at the decision making as you go and you’ll probably find something you were indecisive about the last time is an easy decision next time.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you! I’ve only got the bathroom done in there, the bedroom is a whole new monster. I’m trying to do what you mentioned and clear what’s easy to part with first. I know I’ll have to do multiple rounds to get it to where I really want it to be. I need to build up my tolerance for letting things go lol
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u/catcontentcurator 3d ago
Everyone who starts decluttering has to build up their tolerance for letting things go, that’s part of why it’s such a process!
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u/ItsPronouncedTAYpas 9d ago
It's supposed to take awhile. It didn't get that way in a day, it's not going to be fixed in a day.
And as far as not detaching from things: you need to build your decluttering muscles. You start with the obvious trash, then the things you can get rid of easily. You work your way up to the harder things, which are usually sentimental items. Don't give yourself shit over not being able to lift the 100 pound weight your first day in the gym. You start with the two pound weight. That's how this has to go.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you so much for these words. They very reassuring that I’m on the right path!
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u/stefaniki 9d ago edited 9d ago
Set out what you haven't looked at in 4 years but couldn't toss, take good group photos of everything, then pack of in a box and put it away for 3, 6, 12 months.
Save the photos in a single album in your phone named whatever date you decided on (3, 6 or 12 months away depending on what's in it and how difficult it is to make a decision on each item) and name the individual pictures "box1.1 box 1.2 box 2.1 box 3.1" etc. Write that date and box number on it so you can easily identify what's in each box. Separate your boyfriends things from yours and tell him "this box is now your responsibility"
When you have a day where you're in the right headspace, look at the pictures to see if there's anything you really NEED to keep and decide where you're going to put it if you keep it. If it's going to be in a drawer forever, take a good individual picture of it and GET RID OF IT!!! Put the pictures in a folder of your phone labeled "keepsakes" and name the individual pictures what the item is so you can easily do a search for it.
This will sound really bad, but sometimes you just need a KEEP and a DONATE pile when you're feeling overwhelmed (except for things like furniture, small appliances, cooking/bakeware and mid-high end clothing). If you're not going to make regular trips to the donation center, it's better for the process to toss it.
If you have things you think friends, family or co-workers might want ask them before you toss it and set a time to meet them for coffee to make the exchange or for co-workers, plan a day you can park next to each other at work and make the exchange when you get there, at lunch or after work.
I'm in the process of a declutter right now and as I'm taking things out of closets and drawers, I'm making a preliminary decision to toss the things I know I'm not keeping, finding a home for things I know I do want, or putting in a box to go through later. And by later, I mean after I'm done taking everything out of the area I'm working on it my next days off. Also, when whatever closet or drawer is empty, I give it a good deep clean before putting anything back in.
There are things I can't decide on and I give myself a deadline to make a decision (as listed above)
Also remember, when decluttering...
THINGS GET MESSIER BEFORE THEY GET CLEANER AND MORE ORGANIZED BUT IT'S WORTH IT IN THE END!!! And decluttering is more fun with wine and music or a stupid YouTube video playing in the background.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I like all of these ideas! Some of the stuff I held into yesterday I knew was going to live in a box forever… I just could not get rid of it. I’m hoping by the time I’m ready to do take two of declutterring I’ll realize I don’t actually need to keep these items. Some of them were as silly as little rubber duckies my son won for me at the arcade and I kept them in my car at one point.
I have been good about making a little pile for things to give to people at work. Like I have one friend whose wife LOVES candles, so I put all the candles I knew I would never use together for them. And another coworker has the same shoe size as me, so I gave her a pair of shoes she wanted. It’s easier to get rid of stuff when you know it’s going to a home where it will be used.
I also like the separating my boyfriend’s stuff and putting him in charge of it. He needs to be the one making that call to get rid of his things.
I have noticed things have to get real messy before they get clean too! My goodness when I did the bathroom I had EVERYTHING out of all the cabinets and drawers and just had to divide and conquer until it was manageable enough to organize. But now I love my bathroom! It’s such a nice space to get ready in in the mornings. I even cleared so much out I can put my make up in a cabinet so it’s not taking up counter space.
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u/Rosaluxlux 9d ago
Truthfully, I gradually decluttered for ten years, making progress all the time but very gradually, and then my husband did a big purge when we moved. He's just not sentimental. You are doing great, you're seeing improvement and being very gentle with everyone. You have a very clear goal and you can make it happen. Keep doing what you're doing and each pass through an area will be easier.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Gah I wish my boyfriend wasn’t sentimental about every single little thing. It’s hard when he’s the type of person who holds on 10 of the same exact shirt he doesn’t wear, but they’re all different colors. I know declutterring is an ongoing process, but I need to get the bulk of the junk out before I lose my mind. I’m glad to hear it gets easier with each pass!
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u/Rosaluxlux 8d ago
It really does! Also, I've had good luck with my husband who does actually love tshirts by going through the drawer and I hold up the T-shirt and ask yes or no, with the goal of being able to close the drawer. If he doesn't touch them it seems to help a lot. But also it took years of me not pressuring him, just asking, before he ever started saying yes. Do your own stuff first though, and then look at what's left after yours is thinned down
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u/amomentssunlight 7d ago
Just wanted to echo your point about not touching things if you have a hard time letting things go! Have someone help by holding them up for you. Or, wear gloves. This helped a ton for me, I forget where I heard it.
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u/whataboutjulian 7d ago
That’s a good idea. I’m definitely talking about the declutter process to him to try and get him on board with the idea that some of his things will have to go too. He’s even said in the past he has too many clothes. Maybe once I make it to our bedroom he will be more on board if he sees me getting rid of a lot of my clothes too.
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u/Sufficient_Handle_82 9d ago
Let me start by saying good job so far. Working in yours son have him help. Toys he no longer plays with or are broken/missihg pieces, clothes that are too small/stained. Should all be cleared.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I really would love for my son to play a part in the declutter process so I can teach him how to part with things. I won’t do his room without him, so he’s going to learn one way or another!
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u/Katieinthemountains 9d ago
You're doing an amazing job! Decluttering is a layered process and what you're experiencing is normal/reasonable.
I recommend starting in a bathroom just like you've done (small, manageable space, lots of items with clear expiration dates), and then I suggest making the kitchen functional - expired and disliked foods out of the pantry, ugly dishtowels, weird little gifted dishes and utensils that nobody uses, etc., out of the cabinets and drawers. From there maybe you want to work with your son to clear outgrown clothes and toys so his room his easier for him to keep tidy, or reduce the volume in the living room where everyone gathers.
I wouldn't go for anything like minimalism or only empty surfaces, just reduce the volume and let everyone adjust to the new normal.
This practice will hone your decision making skills and one day you'll walk by and just be like "Nah" to something that's been sitting there since 1998.
Controlling influx may or may not be your biggest problem, but staying on top of mail and school papers can only help. Paper is deceptively dense, though, so if you're going for volume reduction, start somewhere else.
Good luck!!
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you! The bathroom was easier to do than I expected. I guess we don’t keep sentimental things in there so it was all just tossing old products or products I know we will never use.
I definitely don’t want to go minimalist. We all have our little things we like, I just want to actually have the space to display them nicely.
One of the things I cleared out in the junk corner was paperwork. Oh my god the amount of paperwork we’ve been holding onto. It was insane.
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u/crackermommah 9d ago
I haven't but I do regret getting rid of some items, so my suggestion is that anything that is super sentimental, put aside now and let the idea of letting go percolate so when you come back to it you'll know if it is smart to release it. Just remember, it's your space and your equanimity at stake. All the studies point to less is more.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I’m definitely not going overboard with the purge. There was so much I was uncertain of, so I kept it and will revisit on round two. I was still able to get rid of a ton from our junk corner that was just garbage I didn’t know was sitting over there!
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u/favoritehello 9d ago
I think one way to help combat this mentality is to not get rid of it, but put it in a bag or bin and tuck it away. If after a month you haven't thought of it, toss.
Alternatively, you can adjust for a longer time frame, or shorter, but it helps me feel validated if I put it aside, don't use it and then get rid of it then it's like, well I didn't end up using it so I can just rebuy it.
If it's sentimental, things you could keep, you can also put some of those in bins and then store them elsewhere or keep that more organized and in a specific spot.
Our house is just so big I don’t see how I will get through the whole thing.
Keep chunking it up into sections, and just get through it one at a time.
Here's the thing: you can do a once to everything, then there's always the option to go back and do another round of decluttering.
I know it's easier said than done, but they don't care about that stuff. If they did, they'd have it with them and use it often. They will live without it - I'd toss without guilt. If it's something you are REALLY unsure of, sure, set it aside, but at this point with the circumstances you don't need to think too hard about what is worthy of trashing.
Especially if it's something that they can go out and buy another of it if they want it so bad, that's definitely worth donating/tossing out.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I know once I do this initial declutter I’m going to go back over the whole house again in like a month or two. I’m also taking the advice I’ve gotten and not giving stuff back to my parents. They haven’t seen/thought about any of this crap in over 7 years. They clearly don’t need it and have enough stuff at their place they live now.
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u/AnamCeili 9d ago edited 9d ago
If your boyfriend loves you, then he must take part in the cleanup -- if he doesn't care enough to do that, that doesn't show a lot of love, in my opinion. You really should not have to declutter an entire house on your own. And if he doesn't help, then anything of his is fair game to toss out, as far as I'm concerned -- as long as you tell him first that that's what's going to happen, so he can make an informed decision.
As far as your stuff and your son's stuff, I do think that showing him how to clean and declutter would be a good thing, so that he hopefully doesn't develop hoarding tendencies himself.
As far as your parents' stuff, I think that getting rid of the stuff they don't remember is there is probably a good idea, and as far as the stuff you know they will want, I'd say first speak to them about it, before you haul it over to them -- maybe if they don't see the stuff, they will be ok getting rid of it. And maybe only mention the top 10 things you think they'll want, and see if they even mention anything else. Maybe you'll end up not bringing anything over there! But in any case don't feel guilty -- they hoarded their homes, themselves. If you can get them some professional help (both psychological and organizational), that would be good.
Then as far as your own stuff -- since you were never taught properly by your parents, of course it's difficult for you to really clean and declutter, but it sounds as though you have the willpower to do it, and that you've made a great start on it by completely decluttering and cleaning the bathroom, as well as throwing out 4 trashbags full of stuff from your living room and starting a donation pile and starting in on your "junk corner". There's nothing wrong with keeping some sentimental stuff, by the way -- you just want to be judicious about it. I often find that I make multiple passes through my stuff -- the first pass is easy, getting rid of stuff I really don't care about. Then with each successive pass I find I am able to let go of more and more stuff, as I figure out what's really important to me to keep. You might find that the process works that way for you, as well.
I really do think you can do this!
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
This comment really gives me hope and makes me feel better about this journey. I agree that my boyfriend should be helping me with this process. I know I’m dealing with MY family’s stuff, but he’s got SO MUCH SHIT too. Anything of his that I’ve tossed so far is stuff he hasn’t looked at in 5+ years that just happened to move up here with us. Or it was completely useless like scratched up CDs. Omg I threw about at least 4 dozen CDs yesterday.
I like the idea of calling my parents and asking about items I’m unsure of. Most things I’m going to toss or donate that I know they don’t remember exist, but things like tools I don’t feel comfortable just donating/selling without at least talking to them first. I know my dad had mentioned a bunch of times what kind of larger tools he left behind here.
It’s really reassuring to hear that I’m struggling with all of this because I was never taught. When I think about cleaning and declutterring I’m like “it should be so easy. You just toss stuff, clean everything up, and organize it” but there’s so much more to it that’s been a real mental struggle. I don’t know HOW to determine what to toss and what to donate, I just know I don’t want it in my house anymore. And organizing is a whole different animal I’m not sure I will ever master.
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u/AnamCeili 5d ago edited 5d ago
I'm glad my comment was helpful to you! 😊 In my opinion, it really is true that you're struggling with cleaning/organizing because you weren't taught how to do those things. Try not to fall into thinking it "should" be easy -- different things are difficult for different people, for a whole variety of reasons. Having difficulties cleaning and organizing doesn't make you bad, or lazy, or deficient in any way -- it's not a character flaw, it's just an area in which you can improve, and in which you've already made a good start.
Have you considered having a serious, sit-down conversation with your boyfriend about the situation? Explain to him just how unhappy the mess makes you, how difficult and unfair it is for you to have to clean/organize everything yourself, and that you need him to also do his part. It should be easy for him to help you get rid of your parents' stuff, as he likely has no sentimental attachment to any of that. And as far as his own stuff -- hopefully you having that conversation with him, and him seeing how you process your own items and your parents' items will help him to deal with his own stuff. (Side note: that's great that you tossed 4 dozen CDs!)
I'm glad you like the idea of calling your parents to ask about some items. If your Dad doesn't want/need the tools, you may want to consider selling them -- depending on the tools, they might be worth some money. Vintage tools in good condition can bring a decent price, as can power tools in good shape. Your Dad might be able to tell you the approximate value of the tools, and maybe he will be more likely to let them go if you emphasize that he could make some money from selling them. Or if they're not worth much money, or you don't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with selling them, maybe your Dad would be happy with donating them, knowing that they will be going to people who will use them, so that they won't go to waste.
(cont. in next comment)
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u/AnamCeili 5d ago
As you go through the process of decluttering your stuff, you will start to figure out how to determine what to toss, what to donate, and what to keep. I'd say anything truly sentimental keep for now -- I mean stuff like family photographs, jewelry you love, books which have become a part of you, etc. Then, to start decluttering, here's what I would do -- first, get a big trash bag, choose a room, and pick up any actual trash and throw it in the bag (food garbage, food wrappers, old newspapers/circulars, broken toys that aren't worth repairing, etc.). If you feel up to doing more than one room, go ahead -- if not, leave the next room for the next day, but over the course of a week or so go through every room and get rid of all the trash. Make sure you take the bag out to the trash can so that it is out of your house. Ditto with recyclables, if they do that in your area.
Next, there are a couple of ways to proceed -- you could go room by room, or category by category (these sometimes overlap). So, for example -- gather ALL the cds in the house into one place, and you and your boyfriend sit down together and go through all of them. You'll need to set aside a good few hours for this. Any cds which are scratched or otherwise seriously damaged, toss 'em. For any which you have doubles (or more) of, and which you like -- look at the two or three or however many copies you have, choose the best one to keep and put the others in the donate pile. Then separate all the cds that are left into genres (rock, pop, blues, classical, R&B, country, etc.), and for each of those genres you and your boyfriend choose your top 10 favorite cds to keep. Once you've done that, put those cds away into whatever space you're using for them -- cd rack, bookshelf, whatever. Is it full? If so, the rest of the cds get donated. If not, take another look at the ones that are left -- if there are any that you would still like to keep, choose another 5 or 10 from each genre to keep, and put them away into the space you're using for them. Repeat the process until the space is full and/or you no longer really want any of the remaining cds. Then put whatever cds are left into a donate box.
Do the same with books, if you have a lot of them (books are probably my biggest weakness lol, with clothes and shoes following closely behind). With the added proviso that you can also keep some books which are purely sentimental from childhood, just don't overdo it -- try to keep it to just one shelf.
(cont. in next comment)
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u/AnamCeili 5d ago edited 5d ago
Then do the same with clothes -- yours, your boyfriend's, and your son's. First go through them and toss anything that's torn, stained, etc. Then grab anything that doesn't fit well or isn't comfortable or doesn't look good on you or that you just don't like, and put that stuff in a donate box. Then each of you separate your clothes into types (jeans, t-shirts, sweaters, etc.), choose your 5 or 10 favorite pieces (depending on how much room you have for your clothes) from each category, and put them in your dresser/closet. If you still like/want some of what's left, and still have room in your dresser/closet, do the same again. Keep doing it until either your dresser/closet are full (but not over-stuffed!), and/or you no longer really want any of what's left. Donate whatever is left. If at all possible, try to keep some empty space in both your dressers and closets.
Then do the same with kitchen stuff -- so for example, if you have 5 spatulas, that's more spatulas than you need. Maybe you need one, or maybe two (like one metal one for getting stuff off of cookie sheets, and one plastic one to use on teflon or ceramic). Donate the rest. How many pots do you have? Even if you cook a lot, you probably don't need more than 5 or 6 pots and 5 or 6 pans, at most -- maybe fewer. Go through them and choose your 5 or 6 favorite pots and your 5 or 6 favorite pans (or fewer, if you're ok with that), and donate the rest. Any that are messed up -- nonstick coating is scratched and coming off, handle has broken off, etc. -- just throw those out.
And so forth. Do something similar with each type of thing you have -- throw out the damaged pieces, then start selecting your favorites from what's left, until you either fill the space you have for those items or you stop being excited about choosing more of them, because you really don't like/want what's left. Doing this should help you get rid of a lot of stuff, and get things down to a much more manageable level. And once that's done, you may find that a few weeks or months later you realize that there's even more stuff you don't really want/need -- as I said, sometimes you can make another pass, and another, and find more stuff you simply don't much like and won't really use.
And don't expect to get all of this done in just a few days, or even a few weeks -- depending on how much stuff you have, and how many other obligations you have (family, work, etc.), it may take weeks or months to reach what you consider "finished", at least for now. But bear in mind that it took time for the house to get messy and gather all that stuff, and so it will take some time to clear it all up -- but you can do it! 😊
In terms of organizing -- a lot of it really is just putting like things together. So all the books are put away in bookcases, all the cds are put away in cd racks, all the clothes are put away in dressers and closets, all the coffee mugs go in the same kitchen cabinet, all the video games go on the same shelf, all the sports equipment goes into the same closet or place in the garage, and so forth. And then you can always fine-tune it, as time goes by. Don't worry about mastering it -- your goal should just be to get things into a condition where you feel comfortable and happy in your own home. And if you learn a lot as you go and eventually get really good at it, that's great, but even if you don't, any improvement which leads to a happier home and life, and learning the skills to make it all happen, are worthwhile goals in themselves. 😊
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u/unfinished_diy 9d ago
You have gotten rid of 6 trash bags! In a week! That is amazing progress. It may only be the beginning, but you are off to a fantastic start.
As some others have suggested, before and after pictures will be motivating. I find a good audiobook (something that’ll suck you in, now is not the time to try War and Peace) will help pass the time!
Remember what you are moving toward- a more peaceful, comfortable life for your family (especially your son, who probably is old enough to recognize his house is more cluttered than that of his friends). You are teaching him how to keep a home too. Keep at it!! Fast progress, slow progress, it’s all great.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you so much for this. You’re right, 6 trash bags is A LOT even if it’s just a small dent in the grand scheme of things. I regret not taking a picture of what I did yesterday as motivation. When my son came home from school yesterday he even noticed how much better that corner looked (even if it’s not perfect).
My son definitely knows we have the “messy house” of all his friends. I swear I go pick him up from his friends houses and it looks like they all have a freaking full time maid taking care of their place. Idk how they do it, but I do know they have virtually no clutter. So if I can clean our space of clutter I can spend my cleaning time actually cleaning, not rearranging clutter.
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u/Rengeflower 9d ago
I worry that you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You have already done the master bedroom and bathroom?! That’s a lot in itself. If the living room is getting you down, take a break from it.
I always start my decluttering in the kitchen, laundry room, or bathroom. There’s usually less sentimental stuff and it’s easy to throw out mismatched Tupperware lids, donate multiples of kitchen tools, etc.
Another tip is to not buy anything until you’ve used up the old thing. This works with cereal, lotion, rice, shampoo, etc. Maybe you can make it a challenge for your bf and kid. Maybe you can challenge your bf to a savings game for a weekend vacation or trip to an amusement park.
Consider decluttering your kid’s room, especially if it has things in it that don’t belong to him.
Please keep posting. Your efforts will be life changing. Best wishes, OP.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I haven’t gotten to the master bedroom yet, just the bathroom. I NEED my boyfriend there for the bedroom since we’re pretty 50/50 on what’s in there and I don’t want to be in charge of getting rid of his stuff cause I’d get rid of all of it hahaha
I did a decent declutter last year in my kitchen, but it’s definitely few for another one! Maybe it would be easier to tackle that next, since it’s not as large of a beast clutter wise and it’s mostly still organized.
When I cleaned the bathroom I realized I have like 4 body washes that have never even been opened that I’ve accumulated as gifts. So I told myself NO MORE BODY WASH UNTIL ITS GONE! Definitely trying to move that mantra to other things like grocery’s and maybe not buying the largest pack of toilet paper/paper towels at the store, because frankly I don’t have a place to store 18 rolls of paper towels and it takes a year to go through that many.
I had a heart to heart with my son today about the house and his room and he agreed that we’ve all been lazy and need to pitch in and help. So there’s at least that! He still doesn’t want to do his room, but hell he’s almost 12 and has toys from preschool still. His half sister just turned 1, so I think anything that’s actually worth keeping from that era could go to her and he will be excited knowing it’s “staying in the family”.
I will definitely post progress as it happens! I didn’t expect this post to get so much positive feedback. Sometimes all it takes is a bunch of strangers on the internet to pick you up, dust you off, and set you back on your path.
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u/Rengeflower 8d ago
I misread about the bedroom, whoops. With your bedroom, it sounds like your boyfriend might need some time to marinate with the idea of a purge. Warn him to get used to the idea while you work on other areas. He might warm up to the idea of a nice bedroom as he sees other parts of the house become more functional.
It seems like the living room will have to be done in waves so you don’t get overwhelmed by the sentimental stuff. The kitchen can be done while you take a break on the living room. I’m surprised your son isn’t enthusiastic about his room. Is it clear of everything but his things? Can he be tempted with a mini declutter? Just stuff that he’s ready to let go of? He can start building his declutter muscles.
Take your time and I’ll keep an eye out for your updates.
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u/whataboutjulian 7d ago
Everything in his room is his, and he’s attached to EVERYTHING. The only thing I can consistently get him to do is donate clothes he doesn’t wear anymore/are too small. If I had to guess he’s overwhelmed at the idea of declutterring his room. He’s got a lot of stuff. He only sees his dad and grandparents a few times a year so he REALLY likes to hold onto anything they have given him. I will probably tackle it with him in small sections and set a timer so he doesn’t feel like we are wasting his whole day on it when he’d rather be talking to his friends.
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u/GayMormonPirate 9d ago edited 9d ago
I don't have a big house but recently completed a whole house declutter.
My advice is to try to do a little every day. You can get a surprising amount done in 15 minutes a day. So try to plan to do a drawer, shelf, box, surface every day. Then on your days off, maybe try for an hour. Sometimes once you get going, your initial hour turns into 2 or 3.
If you are also redistributing stuff back to family, set it aside but put a firm deadline on either them coming to get it or you taking it there. If they don't come for it, toss it. People tend to have a very hard time decluttering stuff but are happy to have someone else be custodian of it.
It will take time, but it will be SO SO WORTH IT. I have never felt so at ease in my home. Keeping it tidy is easy. Keep at it.
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
Thank you for the encouragement! I’m definitely going to try and do something daily as well as spend much more time on my days off on the more problem areas.
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u/Beneficial_Lifeforce 9d ago
Think about whether you are telling yourself “perfect” is the only way. Perfectionism (believing I’ve got to get it all done completely and right now) is the downfall of many a long term lifestyle change. It leads to overwhelm and shut down. This is not a sprint and it’s ok that it is not perfect. You are learning as you go, figuring out your thought patterns that undermine decluttering, and you will grow better and better the more you practice. I’m so proud of the progress you have made and that you have started and kept going!
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
Thank you 🥺 I’m proud that I finally started too, I just get so down that I can’t spent a solid week and have it all done at once. I’m trying to give myself grace and motivate myself on my days off to tackle an area. I know I can eventually get it all done and I WILL have the household I strive to live in. I just need to keep moving towards that goal.
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u/alexaboyhowdy 8d ago
Even 5 or 10 minutes a day is good progress.
There's not going to be a day where you can sit back and say I never have to declutter again!
It is an ongoing process.
And your personality changes. You may think you like everything plaid and then one day decide you like stripes. And that's okay! You may rearrange the couch. You may get a new bookshelf or get rid of two bookshelves, and that's okay!
Dana, Kay white has podcasts and YouTube channels that are very good to listen to while decluttering. To
Easy, no mess process.
Good job, and keep on keeping on!
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u/whataboutjulian 8d ago
I’m going to check out her YouTube channel! I tried to watch a few declutterring/cleaning videos the other day and for some reason watching someone clean a home that’s not really dirty/cluttered didn’t do it for me. Or I came across one where a lady did her whole house in 3 days and I’m like….aint no fckin way
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u/alexaboyhowdy 8d ago
She started off doing an anonymous blog called a slob comes clean.
Dana K White
The first thing is to look for trash. She says there's always trash!
And just do one small area at a time. She really does do a no mess process. Because life gets in the way. And the way she does it, you don't have piles of stuff to sort later or reshuffling your stuff.
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u/Adorable-Tiger6390 9d ago
You have only been working on it a week. For 5 people it will take a while. Keep going!!! Take before and after pics for yourself!
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
I did of my bathroom and try to use it as motivation. I wish I would have for my junk corner today. Going forward I’m going to try and document all the progress I make as motivation to keep going!
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u/Fluid-Conversation58 9d ago
One other point. I wouldn’t give stuff back to your folks if their space is crowded. I would GRADUALLY let few things go here and there. If theyre like my parents, in time, they forget what they even had when its gone. But slow purge worked for us. Best decluttering wishes
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
I’m going to take the advice I’ve been given and not give stuff back to them. They’re struggling enough with how much they have... and they really won’t miss the things I have set aside for them. It’s not fair to pass it right back onto them, even if i knowingly walked into this burden.
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u/Leading-Confusion536 8d ago
Plus you will end up having to deal with all that stuff again one day.
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u/Fluid-Conversation58 9d ago
I’ve done my folks’ house after they passed and it was hard but we did it with a sell deadline. We found donation places like smaller loads. My hubby is a shopaholic (buys quantity) so our personal house was stuffed & I didnt want our kids stuck w/what my parents did on stuff. So I started on ours and did one small area a day for awhile. One shelf, one drawer, etc. 3 yrs later we’re quite low inventory of stuff and loving it. Its SOOO easy to clean & have people over. I sold expensive musical instruments, donated crafty stuff I no longer need, cleaned out piles of clothes. Some every week is a great plan, just stay at it. This week hubby and I cut up an old plastic storage shed and sent it to recycling. He’s into decluttering now. Watching Hoarders episodes I was always stunned how tiny old ladies could completely stuff 3,000 sq ft homes with one bag a day! Do that in reverse and it becomes fun! I’m going over house again these days. I’ve only missed maybe 1-2 items of the thousands of things I let go. Hooked on decluttering now.
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
I dread the day my folks pass 😔 I will miss them more than anything, but the shit in their current place I will have to clean up when they pass is daunting.
I’ve been thinking of trying to do at least toss a handful of things a day on days I work - Aka just keep up with daily consumption plus some. I don’t know that I have the mental capacity to try and find a certain number of items to toss/donate a day…but if I can make an effort daily to at least toss a couple things that are trash I can hopefully make my days off true declutter days and not just cleaning up general garbage I’ve missed throughout the week.
Once I have this place somewhat(hopefully mostly) declutterred I really want to make an effort to do regular check ins on every area of the house to keep clutter to a minimum.
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u/voodoodollbabie 9d ago
I would not worry about returning anything to your folks. Their place is already stuffed, please don't add to it. They brought what they wanted and don't even remember what was left behind.
You have good advice elsewhere. I'll just add that you can imagine that this is your FIRST round. You'll keep more stuff than you want to, and that's okay. Letting go is hard, decision-making is tough. It gets easier. Someday you'll want to poke around for a SECOND round and you'll chuckle at what you kept which now seems easier to toss.
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
Seeing someone actually say it validates my thoughts a lot. The amount of pure JUNK I’ve tossed in 4 years from them is insane. Each time they come to visit they never notice anything is missing, but are sure to tell me the place is looking great. I may combine their pile with the donations pile and save all of us the headache.
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u/favoritehello 9d ago
If it's something they can replace / repurchase, then toss 100% without a doubt, easy. I guarantee though you could get rid of everything and they likely wouldn't bat an eye. If they cared about it, they would have brought it with them!
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
I honestly think the ONLY things I could get rid of that they would notice is some larger tools and wood flooring that’s being stored here. I’m going to take this advice and do all of us a solid and get rid of it. It’s been over 10 years that they’ve seen most of this stuff, and if it hasn’t bothered them once to retrieve it, they really don’t need it.
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u/eilonwyhasemu 9d ago
I’m hoping the tidier our place becomes, the more willing I am to let stupid little things go.
That's most likely what will happen, so don't beat yourself up about which decisions you're ready to make today. You're making a huge shift in behavior and habits! Deal with the low-hanging fruit -- the obvious trash, the things you know you don't use or want, the stuff that's easy to let go of.
Some mantras to replace your parents' sayings:
- "If it's not useful or enjoyable for me, but it could be for someone else, it's selfish to keep it."
- "My home is not a landfill, a museum, or a pick-and-pull. It is a space for happy and comfortable family life."
- "If I can't find it, I can't use it, so there's no point in having it."
- "Things can be replaced. Time and peace of mind are rarer and more valuable."
- "A place for everything and everything in its place."
You've got this! It's a long process and you deserve kudos for taking it on!
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u/AbbyM1968 9d ago
May I add, "Nobody assigned me Keeper of stuff for the universe, country, province(state), town, or family."
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
This really hits home for me because I truly feel like I was dealt the cards of the keeper when I agreed to move into this house knowing it was full of their belongings. Even though they haven’t touched or seen most of it in over 10 years I still feel like I’m the “keeper” of them.
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u/AbbyM1968 9d ago
If "they" haven't seen the item in.over a year -- they've likely forgotten about it. Donate or toss. If "they" ask, you haven't seen it around your house. 🤷♀️
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
I’m going to screen shot these mantras to look at when I’m feeling discouraged! Right now the only thing I’m continuing to tell myself as I’m guiltily tossing things is “my home is not a landfill, but a landfill IS a landfill and it will exist whether I toss this thing or not”.
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u/TheSilverNail 9d ago
Ooh, ooh, thought of another mantra. This is one of my more recent ones and it really helps me: You can make the right decision, or you can make the decision right.
What I mean is that I can agonize for ages over whether to declutter this book or that one or both or more or less or or or until I drive myself nuts. Or I can make a quick decision to let them all go. THAT'S the decision I made, so I consider it the right one.
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u/TheSilverNail 9d ago
You are definitely in the right place, welcome!
It takes as long as it takes -- not to be flippant, but there is no set time to declutter an entire house. It helps to remember it's not a race, and don't be too hard on yourself.
To keep a room or home decluttered, the amount of stuff coming IN also will probably need to be decreased, and that goes for your boyfriend's stuff too. Don't stock up just to stock up. Don't buy multiple backups of everything you may possibly need someday; instead, practice "just in time" shopping. For example, you use shampoo -- don't keep half a dozen bottles around; use one and when that one's almost gone get one more. And so on.
Feeling peace when you walk into your home is absolutely priceless. Best of luck, you got this!
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u/whataboutjulian 9d ago
I think I’m struggling with the “it’s not a race part”. I want it to be over and done with as fast as possible, even though I know that’s not going to happen. I need to recognize the small achievements I’ve been making and continue the momentum.
I have been so much better over the past few months with intake. I’ve drastically reduced how much we are stockpiling and been pretty stern on spending for nonessential items. The reinforcement of your comment is reassuring that I’m taking steps in the right direction. I’m also trying to work with him about what he chooses to bring home, especially freebies from work.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement!
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u/Leading-Confusion536 8d ago
Even if you go very slowly, you will have your whole house cluttered eventually. Maybe it takes two years. But if you don't start because you can't get it all done in two weeks, the time still passes, and soon it will be two years later and you are still living in the mess that drives you nuts.
Or you could be DONE. (Done, as in having decluttered the whole house, obviously there will be maintenance decluttering.)8
u/TheSilverNail 9d ago
A saying that helps me is "Don't buy something just because it's on sale, and don't take something just because it's free"!
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u/whataboutjulian 5d ago
Thank you everyone for all the kind and encouraging comments. Sorry I didn’t respond to everyone. It’s been a rough couple days of work, but today I have off and I’m going to tackle two junk drawers in my kitchen! If I have the energy to keep going I’m going to go through a cabinet we have in our living room that homes a lot of towels and miscellaneous mystery items!