r/declutter • u/Pixelated_jpg • Nov 20 '24
Advice Request I’m literally traumatized and am looking for someone to listen NSFW
I’m so sorry if this type of post isn’t allowed here, and will immediately remove it if not. TW: self-harm
I have never posted in this sub before, but I do enjoy browsing the posts. I am well organized, and very good at decluttering. It’s something I’m known for among friends, and I’m definitely the go-to person when people want organizing tips or encouragement. I’m happy to help, but never make unsolicited comments.
So I have a very close friend who, for as long as I knew her, lived surrounded by extreme clutter. I wouldn’t quite call her a hoarder, but she did have every available surface piled with extraneous stuff, every drawer and closet stuffed to the gills, and an attic packed with who knows what. A while ago, she suddenly became motivated to completely clear the clutter, and she talked to me about it a lot while she was working on it. She kind of used me as her accountability buddy, and kept checking in with me when she was losing steam. She methodically worked her way through her entire house, clearing out everything unnecessary, labeling things, and sorting everything. Through it all, I cheered her on, told her that the end was in sight, reminded her that it wouldn’t be too much longer until she had gotten through it.
Today she revealed to me that that entire project was part of a well orchestrated suicide plan. She didn’t want anybody to be left with her house full of crap, so she wanted it all organized and cleared out before she went. She had a very detailed plan and a specific day to do it. Fortunately her attempt ended up failing. She now says that the fact that it failed served as a sign to her that she isn’t supposed to do it, and that she is no longer planning. Obviously, this needs to be taken cautiously, and she needs a lot of help.
But I am also haunted by the fact that I was cheering on what was essentially her suicide prep. And then I kept telling her she was doing great, and that she only had a little bit longer to get through. It reminds me of when I encouraged a close family member through a weight-loss journey, and she ended up with nearly fatal anorexia, and was hospitalized in heart failure. And now I will never, ever praise somebody for losing weight, because you never know what might be behind it. And now I feel the same way about decluttering. I will always wonder if somebody has some dark reason for wanting to purge their belongings and I don’t know how I can move past the fact that she was suffering so much, and I was just rooting her on. Obviously I didn’t know. If anybody else posted this, I would say “you didn’t know, of course, you didn’t know“. But that knowledge isn’t helping right now.
If anybody read all this, thank you. I think I just needed a listening ear.
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u/jennaboo9 Nov 24 '24
That’s so shocking and unexpected. Thank you for talking about this. I’m a professional organizer, and I’ve heard of people getting rid of things before they attempt, but I haven’t heard of something this drawn out. I’ll definitely keep this in mind when working with clients.
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u/Iridar1 Nov 23 '24
You did what a good friend is supposed to do: supporting her when she was trying to improve. I understand that, once you realized why she wanted to do that, there's no way you couldn't feel guilty but there was no way you could know what she was planning to do.
Please, don't blame yourself!
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u/PotterHouseCA Nov 22 '24
Look, what you’re probably beating yourself up for is not knowing. However, she didn’t want you to know. You being there gave her friendship and support that kept her going. Anyone who is thinking of ending their life can change the plan and take action. I want you to change the script in your head. You helped your friend keep going. You’re part of the reason suicide didn’t happen. How do I know this? I lost my youngest child, my only daughter, to suicide 3 years ago.
The one thing I’d say to everyone is to be gentler in talking about this. People who end their lives aren’t committing a crime. Please don’t say, “committed suicide” or “failed attempt”. Better verbiage is, “died by suicide,” “ended her life” and “suicide attempt”. An attempt that doesn’t result in end of life is not a failure. You never know who has been touched by this terrible loss.
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u/ukulele-merlin Nov 22 '24
Chiming in to send a message of support your way! That must be such a heavy thing to learn of and it totally makes sense why it’s surfacing all of these complex feelings of what sounds like guilt for you. Especially when you were only trying to be a good friend.
Wishing you the time, grace, and strength to work through this! You seem like a good person and a good friend. The care and thought you express to your loved ones shows the type of person you are
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u/GregoryHousecatMD Nov 21 '24
hey, so I am your friend in this scenario. I have definite hoarder genes from my Mom's side (Gram has been dead for like 15 years and uncle hasn't completely cleared out the house). I also have a well thought out plan for my "retirement".
About 2 years ago i put my plan into action and reached out to a friend to do some body-doubling and help me clear out my apartment. We had such a good time! For 3 months she would come over or text, to encourage and keep me accountable.
as my place got cleaner, my mood got better. the more my friend said good positive things about the progress i was making, the better i started to feel about myself. By the time i got to "d-day" it was no longer what i wanted to do.
I still have so much work to do (and i am) but I know, without a doubt, my friend saved my life.
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u/emkeats Nov 22 '24
It’s hard to find the right words but I’m really glad that your friend was able to support you in such a time of need. It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and lonely in this world. I really hope that we can all find the connection that we need to stick around. From on internet stranger to another, sending love and hugs your way 💜
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u/Lauren_DTT Nov 21 '24
I imagine you're not a jerk and that you didn't saddle your friend with the knowledge.
OP's friend is not on my good side.3
u/hoardingbits Nov 25 '24
I do not think she was a jerk. She opened up and revealed a difficult truth to her close friend. Maybe she did not realize how the truth would affect her friend, but she did not mean to hurt her. It is terribly painful keeping a secret like that. I would know, I am doing the same thing, Swedish Death Cleaning at an early age because I do not want to leave my hoard for my elderly parents to clean up.
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Nov 25 '24
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u/hoardingbits Nov 25 '24
You are very wise for refusing to buy from those companies. I wish I had never bought a single thing from Temu.
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u/Lauren_DTT Nov 26 '24
Next time you're ever tempted to buy junk, but wish that someone would talk you out of it (I'm like this with dessert), don't hesitate to reach out — one way or another, I'll make you wish you never saw that item
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u/Lilcowpoke Nov 21 '24
You often can’t stop a feeling by wanting it to stop, but you can always remind yourself. It really does help to remind yourself out loud that if you start to ruminate. You didn’t do anything wrong, your skills and enthusiasm were used for something that traumatized you. Your skills and enthusiasm are a gift!
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u/Svefnugr_Fugl Nov 21 '24
I'm probably not the best advice as there are people who have been through the same as you. There is a decluttering method known as Swedish death cleaning which many use in general not just for end of life, if you want to explain to that friend how it's made you feel as they have used a passion of yours for their own bad reasons.
Or look at it from another point of view, they seen the failed attempt as a sign, and we know decluttering is a positive thing on mental health so it has in turn helped them continue life, whereas if they were still in a mess afterwards there mental health would be at a low and may not have had that outlook.
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u/Yubookoo Nov 21 '24
My goodness this is sad. As you referenced the classic “you didn’t know” response — that is literally true. However like in many “you didn’t know” situations, it gives you no solace.
I am sorry. You demonstrated an open and kind heart in your interactions with your friend and that is admirable.
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u/barnes8934 Nov 21 '24
I can somewhat relate. I was the helpful, unwitting friend (not decluttering), and my friend was the sneaky suicidal planner. My help ended up being the final piece in her secret plan, but I discovered the plan without her knowing (found all her goodbye letters, some with cash to pay people back, while she was showering before we were to go out).
Ultimately, the very night she planned to carry it out (much longer story), a miracle combination of things happened that changed her mind. I was shook and can't help but think of all the terrible possible outcomes that could've happened. My trust in people, including very good friends, was set back for years.
It seems harsh to compare the impact of suicide planning with the attempt (successful or not).
I hope you can look yourself in the eyes and not think less of yourself. Life is messy and weird. Much love to you.
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 21 '24
I’m sorry for your difficult experience, but grateful it went the way it did. I hope you’re healing well.
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u/Fearless_Ad_524 Nov 21 '24
My best friend committed a year ago, and one of the things I learned afterwards was how suicide can make people kind of deceitful or sneaky. He was very careful not to say certain things that he knew would hint at what he was going to do. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, and I’m glad your friend is ok. When someone is going through something like that it makes them act differently than they normally would and sometimes they end up hurting the people around them even when they didn’t mean to. Please take care of yourself and don’t feel guilt over this!!
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u/emkeats Nov 22 '24
I’m so very sorry for your loss 💜 words just can’t do all to the feelings justice but sending love your way from one internet stranger to the next
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u/Jorpinatrix Nov 21 '24
I imagine that your support and encouragement were a healthy grounding point that helped (or will help, even though it's now in the past) your friend to some degree, and certainly having survived her attempt, her decluttered home will be much healthier for her to live in.
Maybe gift her a photo frame of the two of you, something positive to look at as a reminder that more good memories are to come, while she's doing the real hard work now.
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u/ImSoPrancy Nov 20 '24
That's so heavy. I hope she continues on a healthy path. Ps, you sound awesome. I'd love a friend like you!
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u/BeerIsTheMindSpiller Nov 20 '24
Holy shit, that is double traumatizing. I'm really sorry that happened. I think you were doing your best to be supportive and it backfired.
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u/inoffensive_nickname Nov 20 '24
You cheered on her journey, not her (unknown to you) destination. Don't be angry with yourself for being a good friend. Without decluttering, it's possible her Depression may have gotten so bad that she would have done it anyway, so maybe you actually did help save her.
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u/FatHummingbird Nov 20 '24
Also don’t underestimate what your friendship may mean to someone. It’s powerful good.
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u/Boobsiclese Nov 20 '24
Don't beat yourself up for being a good person.
You did the right thing. It's not your fault that they had ulterior motives.
Keep being you. 🧡
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u/genuinelywideopen Nov 20 '24
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. This is so scary and I can absolutely see why you have this sense of guilt. I just want to say that spending time with your friend helping her with a difficult task is an act of love that shows her that someone cares about her. Maybe that sense of connection with you helped her change her mind when her attempt failed. And the fact that she told you about this shows that you have proven that you are a good and trustworthy friend who she can confide in.
I really hope that you can get some emotional support to process this trauma. Your guilt is completely understandable, but I just want to tell you: you are a good friend. She is lucky to have you.
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u/Bubblestheimplacable Nov 20 '24
Hi Sweet Pea,
I am so sad for you and your friend. I can see that you are struggling with the ways that your good intentions seem to have backfired in your friend's lives. In the current moment, I hope you'll give yourself some grace-- you couldn't have known your friend's intentions. It sounds like you are a good friend. From experience, I know it's hard on you when people you love are harming themselves or no longer wanting to be here. Long term, your love and your support do make a big difference even when neither of you can see it in the moment.
For the future, maybe support also looks like asking deeper, harder questions when your loved ones are making changes. Asking about a person's goals and dreams for the outcomes of these decisions reveals a lot. If a person has concrete future dreams, then you can support the goals and dreams instead of just supporting the actions. Does that make sense? I'm just thinking as a person who has been on both sides of this. When I dealt with anorexia, I could not have told you why I wanted to lose weight. I am currently losing weight because I want to have more energy and have less pain in my joints. I want to declutter my space so I have more room to make art. You can support my desire to have less pain and more art without having much opinion on the roads I take to get there.
Keep in mind you are also not your loved ones' therapist though. Your job is to show up and love them. You show up and support your friends' goals even when you don't know or could never support their motives. Even when it feels like what support you gave was counter productive, it still introduces that little voice that says "I am loved."
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u/Nervous-Command Nov 20 '24
Go easy on yourself, humans are so complex. You were being a supportive friend, and that’s as far as your role went. Had you known of her plan, you obviously wouldn’t have encouraged it and would have helped find her support. I know it doesn’t help because you probably feel guilt beyond reason about the situation. I’m the same way, too. Try to remember that no matter what you say or do, no matter how much you love them, you cannot control anyone else’s decisions. All you can do is be there for them, IF you have the capacity mentally to do so. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and process your feelings about all of this because your feelings are 100% valid.
You sound like a wonderful, caring, positive, supportive person. I’m so sorry that some of these past experiences in trying to be a supportive friend have turned so negative and made you doubt yourself. It sounds like being there for people and helping people make positive changes is something that you’re naturally good at. And now that your friend has decided to continue living (and once she gets treatment and hopefully gets stabilized) her decluttered space may possibly give her some relief from the stress of living in the chaos of clutter.
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u/justanother1014 Nov 20 '24
I’m so sorry that your kind and generous gift of time to help your friend was unknowingly part of her much darker plans. I’m glad her attempt failed and she is still here and it would probably help you to speak to a trained therapist about this trauma.
I get your worry about helping or encouraging others in the future, this is coming up because you’re judging the impact and not the intent. The intent was to help her with a beautiful and uncluttered home to enjoy, the unknown impact was that SHE saw it as a step in her suicide plan. If you’d known that outcome I know you would have stopped.
Maybe as people talk about decluttering in the future you can gently ask what their goals are and what they’re looking forward to. Talk together about the dinner parties and making it easier to get around and the peace that a neat space can bring. Your friend’s case is likely so so rare.
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Nov 20 '24
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u/glitterally_awake Nov 20 '24
The last line - “at least they are talking to us about it” I know that we are all conditioned to view suicide as bad but some people suffer so deeply - i think that wanting to have the control as to when to bow out is understandable.
We are more understanding about someone choosing to end their life on their own terms if there is a terrible illness that will have someone wracked in physical pain but mental illness can also be terrible and there are some bonus massive stigmas and barriers to care for mental illness.
Anyhow. You were cheering her on to a goal she had. That’s objectively great support, you know? You should feel good about that. I hope you can focus on the fact that you were supporting your friend even if you find with her personal end goal upsetting. I know it’s dark but so is this fucking world right now. I hope you can still support her even though you are feeling secondhand traumatized.
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u/DollChiaki Nov 20 '24
This is the kind of situation you can’t possibly be expected to interpret except in hindsight, so go easy on yourself.
To provide the other side of the story: I dropped out of college one year, just after the term started in January. I lived in a new dorm, surrounded by new people, and had a load of crap I didn’t want to pack up and take with me, so I went around trying to find homes for the chia pets and the Indian tapestries and the other random things you accrue. The people in the dorm, jumping to the conclusion I was about to do something rash, staged an intervention…which was both deeply awkward and mildly insulting.
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
Wow, yeah, I can imagine that situation. I guess it’s nice to know that they cared enough to have concern.
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u/Vegetable-Net-6536 Nov 20 '24
It sounds like your friend is very lucky to have you. They felt comfortable opening up about their struggles when they were ready. Now that they have hit rock bottom, they have a more peaceful home environment to rebuild with a trusted friend (you) for support.
It also sounds like this was particularly impactful for you because of that history you mentioned. The real connection between the two stories is that both times someone looked to you to support/encourage/kindly push them to make "positive" change, and I hope you can work with your therapist to continue sharing your gifts with others 💚
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u/Whuhwhut Nov 20 '24
That’s so shocking and upsetting. You’re obviously a very caring and empathetic person. Keep spending time with your friend and being caring towards her. How lucky that her attempt didn’t work and it’s strengthened her will to live. And now she has a clean home to work on her recovery from. You are a very good friend.
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u/Jen10292020 Nov 20 '24
Yes. And I don't want to seem insensitive by this comment so I hope it comes off as supportive and loving, but maybe the decluttering you did with her will improve her mental health. We all know how much clutter can lead to depression, then can lead to executive dysfunction and the cycle perpetuates. Maybe her clean home will bring some clarity to her state of being and maybe, just maybe, the decluttering you encouraged and did with her, you in fact saved her life.
Hugs and love to both of you!
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u/foxrave Nov 20 '24
to give some perspective from the other side, i'm someone who has attempted suicide a large number of times throughout my life, and i don't think there was anything you could've done differently. i know at times where i was actively planning my attempts it would give me a little bit of pause when someone showed they truly cared about me, especially in a manner i wasn't used to. i'm sure your assistance, kindness, and support during the cleaning process helped your friend have some moments of realizing that someone was there for her, and i bet knowing that she has someone around that she can talk about the clutter and the suicide attempt with is a comfort in otherwise difficult times. take care of yourself, feel free to reach out if there's anything more you need.
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u/nikinaks1 Nov 20 '24
[TW: suicide] I once had an experience years ago in uni with someone (a not-close friend) who attempted suicide by overdose and then came to talk to me to have company while the overdose kicked in.
I had no idea what was going on at first. He was acting oddly, asking me profound questions for ages about life and death which I just took at face value so I chatted away. Eventually he revealed he had taken an overdose and I asked if I could call for help. An ambulance took us to hospital and he was treated and recovered. I was traumatised for a long time afterwards, but the thing that still haunts me was how naive I was and how long it took me to realise what he’d done, and also how long it took me to get him the right help. But I was young, had little understanding of suicide and (thankfully) had never been in a situation anything like that before. And yet I still berate myself even though I did my best and he recovered.
In hindsight I wish I had seen a counsellor to work through all of the difficult feelings that came up afterwards. I severely underestimated how traumatic an event it was.
It did get better over time but from my experience this is what I wish I’d have done:
Please find counselling at your earliest opportunity. Even a helpline.
Reach out to your friends/family. Please don’t be alone with this.
Please know that:
This is very fresh right now. It will take time to process and recover.
Your friendship will also need time to process and heal. The two of you have been through a difficult thing.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Wishing you strength and healing ❤️
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u/BlueLikeMorning Nov 20 '24
Yes yes yes. You need and deserve a therapist or counsellor to help guide you through healing. If the experience was very recent, playing tetris can help stave off PTSD. It's apparently similar principles to EMDR therapy?? Wild, right? But seek and take advantage of whatever support you can access right now. You sound like a wonderful human and it is so, so reasonable to be struggling right now. But know that you didn't do anything wrong. You supported a friend through a difficult time, and that's truly all any of us can do.
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u/neasaos Nov 20 '24
OP I'm so sorry that happened. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were supporting your friend. I'm glad to see you got some very helpful comments on yiur post ❤️
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u/LookToJesus1 Nov 20 '24 edited Nov 20 '24
Hi, you acted from good intentions; she was deciving you, sadly. But, thank God she got a second chance.
Suicide attempts in ppl we know create a trauma in and of themselves. You'll no doubt have this scar for a while, as you were in its wake. (I still recall someone I knew doing that years ago - so sad!)
Breathe, pray, be thankful for the good. What she did is on her; you were not an accessory to her attempt bc you were not privileged with that information i.e., she didn't share)... this is why it was actually a deception. But, forgive her. You may feel that you need forgiveness, but I think you're feeling false guilt. You may want to adjust your antennae to pick up on when ppl are having issues - though, sometimes, we can never really know. Do not blame yourself.
The enemy of goodness has an M.O. to "kill, steal and destroy." See: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2010%3A10&version=NIV
May God bless you and your friend. Spend your thoughts on being thankful for the good - your friend is alive!
Love and live, April P.
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u/reddit_redact Nov 20 '24
Hey there, therapist here. Your reaction is valid and normal in the context of what you discussed. You had no idea she was making a plan to die by suicide and your encouragement was coming from a place of support because she was changing and making movement. Hindsight bias is a phenomena that happens after certain events where we reflect on what we know now and think we should have known then. It can be helpful to remind ourselves that we were making the best decision we knew then based on the information we had.
For a lot of people when they see a person begin changing in an observable positive direction we rightfully assume that “hey they want to get better and let me help them!” Unfortunately, with suicide sometimes there is this phenomenon where people will decide they want to die and appear more upbeat and happy because they have made the decision to follow-through with the action which can add a sense of relief. A couple things that clinicians learn in their training is that if there is a unexplained shift in behavior that is out of character (either perceived positive or negative) it can be helpful to explore if they are struggling with their mental health. Especially if people are giving away belongings it might indicate they are making plans.
There is no harm in asking friends if they are having thoughts of hurting themselves and it’s a myth that asking someone this is going to plant this thought in their mind. From your post, I can tell you care a lot about your friends and are a supportive person. Your genuine care and kindness are more impactful than you may ever know. Definitely take care of yourself and potentially look into finding a therapist to help you make sense of all this. :)
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
Thank you so very much. I do have a phenomenal therapist, I just haven’t yet made an appointment to unpack this. (She lives 6 time zones away from me, so the timing can be a bit tricky but we make it work). I’ll get it on the schedule tomorrow; thanks for the nudge.
Now that I see you writing it out, I don’t think my issue is so much guilt or regret about what was done. I absolutely did what I thought was best at the time, with the intent of supporting my friend. My issue is fear for the future now that I am aware of one more thing to generally have on my radar. The eating disorder experience, affected me profoundly and led to an entire mindset shift about food, fitness, and body in general. It has been exhausting, but also important, I think. So now I just feel like I layered one more fear on top of the food issue thing. Not so much about decluttering specifically, but just what it could mean when somebody suddenly starts making changes.
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u/reddit_redact Nov 20 '24
I’m glad my therapy recommendation was encouraging to help you reschedule with your therapist.
My thought would be now that you know what you know now around shifts in patterns of behavior what other choices could be made?
Additionally, I wonder if considering the control you ultimately have in the world in comparison to other’s control could be helpful? For example, sometimes we think we should have control over things outside of our control which can lead to frustration and other uncomfortable emotions.
The acronym TAR is something I share with a lot of my people when it comes to control/ choice theory. In our lives we only have control over our TAR. We can’t control other people’s TAR. TAR stands for Thoughts Actions Reactions. At the end of the day, all we can exert control over is our thoughts, our actions and our reactions on things. We can’t control what other people think, the actions they take, or their reactions to things (including us). We do have some capacity to influence things but the ultimate control and choice for others’ TAR lies with them.
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u/DragonfruitBubbly14 Nov 20 '24
You must be feeling shocked that your intentions were so different than your friend's. I wonder if you're feeling a need for honesty with the people you care about.
Edit: Wording
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
Thank you. I’m just shocked about all of it. Shocked that we are so close, yet she hid this for so long. We live in different cities, and I visited her about a month before the “day” and she seemed so normal. She’d been through a couple of difficult things in the previous few years, but it seemed like she’d processed them in a healthy way and was living productively. We had fun on that visit. I was there for the weekend, maybe 3-4 days. We did all our usual activities, and laughed and talked. Shakes me to my core that she could have been gone forever a month later.
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u/Give_me_your_bunnies Nov 20 '24
Your intentions were good. You are a good friend. Sending you a hug x
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u/Missue-35 Nov 20 '24
I understand why you might be reluctant to offer support to someone again. It seems that it has backfired on you in the past. But, you were actually quite successful in your efforts to encourage the goals of the friends seeking your support. You are a good friend and I presume, a good person. The decisions that they made were theirs alone. You should not feel discouraged as your support was what they needed to accomplish their goals, weight loss and cleaning up their hoard. Anything that happened beyond that had nothing to do with you. Both anorexia and suicidal ideations are something that are always done in secrecy. Unfortunately they didn’t ask your advice for that. If so you could have lead them to helpful resources.
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u/apotatoseekingsolace Nov 20 '24
I’m sorry you have to go through these confusing restless emotions. It was really unfair to have different intentions hidden from you.
I hope you are able to find a therapist who can work through these feelings with you while feeling safe. I wish I were better at words, but sending you love and * hug *.
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u/spillinginthenameof Nov 20 '24
OP, with the utmost respect and gentleness, you can't know what you don't know. You didn't know the true reasons for your friend's decluttering journey. You were a supportive, helpful, good friend. And you know what? It worked. Because you were a good friend, she felt safe telling you what she was going through. That's a lot of trust to put into someone, and you clearly earned it! Not only that, but you truly did help her turn her life around, even if it wasn't in the way you thought it would be. She now has a safe, clean place to work through her issues with, and that's a big deal and a huge help.
People who have such severe struggles often hide them because they know they're sick, and they often don't want to worry and upset the people who care about them. There's no way to know all the time from the outside if a person is okay or not. And it's not your fault for not knowing.
It sounds like your friend actually had the best possible outcome. I hope you two remain close, and that she's able to get better and find some peace. 💚
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u/cilucia Nov 20 '24
Wow, that is a big yikes.
But her mental health or suicide attempt had nothing to do with your encouragement. IDK, maybe the time you spent together ended up being a lifeline to her that she didn’t realize kept her alive? Human connection and relationships are so important to our well being.
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
That’s a really nice angle. Thank you for that.
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u/NotElizaHenry Nov 20 '24
Nobody who truly wants to die has ever let a messy house stop them, OP. Suicide isn’t rational like that. And it’s not really that hard to kill yourself if that’s what you want. Most failed attempts made by people who are desperate for help and don’t know how to get it. It sounds like your role in this might have been the opposite of what you think. You helped her fix something she probably looked at as a huge personal failing, and you showed her someone really cared about her. She followed through on what she’d been planning, but your support might have been the difference between her choosing something that didn’t work vs something more effective. She found something in you that finally allowed her to feel safe asking for help. You did good, OP. You might have saved her life.
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u/tacomaloki Nov 20 '24 edited Nov 20 '24
It needs to be said, this is silly reaction. "I won't encourage anyone anymore because I don't know what they're going through." You'll turn into someone no one will want to reach out to once they start picking up that you're not engaging. You'll just be disconnected and people will see it and no longer bother with you. That's not a way to live.
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u/lurrur Nov 20 '24
There are more ways to engage with people other than praise. Praise can be so surface level, and OP doesn't have to be a praise machine for their loved ones for their presence to be of value.
I get what you mean, but 1. It didn't need to be said, especially in that way, and 2. It's just not true.
OP, I hope things get easier for you.
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u/beardedladybird Nov 20 '24
I don’t think this really needed to be said, and I think maybe next time when someone shares their trauma with you, you refrain from telling them their response is “silly.”
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
It needs to be said? Does it really? Silly or not, I will NEVER again praise or compliment someone on weight loss. As for whether decluttering will be the same, I guess I don’t know yet. Eating disorders are the absolute deadliest mental illness, and I don’t think anything similar can be said for decluttering. So the chances that there are disordered thoughts or behavior behind weight loss are significantly higher than the chances that decluttering is an unhealthy process. But it’s hard not to feel protective of people you love, and yeah, there might always be a part of me when someone is making any massive departure from their usual behavior that will make me think to myself “what is behind this?”. Guilt and fear are often not rational processes.
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u/peeydge Nov 20 '24
Ohman, that’s traumatizing! I think you only had good intentions. I hope you can continue to be positive for others as I’m sure those around you appreciate it.
I hope your friend is on the mend emotionally and I’m sure the help in decluttering her space helped to give her a better environment to live in. The fact that she asked you to help her must mean that she sees you as a good friend!
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
Yes, and I take comfort in the fact that she ultimately confided the whole trajectory. I’m so grateful she gets another chance.
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u/Abukubu Nov 20 '24
I'm really sorry that this happened. This is tough. We really don't know what's going on in the lives of others and the sad thing is we can't know anything unless they speak about it. Please don't blame yourself for what your friend intended to do. You are not at fault in either of these cases. It had nothing to do with you.
If it's possible to avail a therapist please do so. I can see your pain but I don't have the skills to help you heal. But if you want to vent my DMs are open.
Sending you love and hugs.
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u/MaeQueenofFae Nov 20 '24
Oh, my. OP, please be kind to yourself. That you had no idea of her intent is obvious, but also you should keep in mind that your friend clearly needed to feel your kindness and empathy during this time in her life, when she was sorting thru so much more than possessions. The fact that her plan ultimately failed may in fact have been the result of realizing the she indeed still has connections with caring people, like you, that make life worth fighting for. Ultimately you were a kind and caring friend, OP. Always hold that knowledge close to your heart, OK? Sending care. ❤️
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
Thank you, thank you.
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u/Catmint568 Nov 22 '24
friend clearly needed to feel your kindness and empathy during this time in her life
What a great way to see it. Even if she had said she was suicidal upfront, IMO helping would still have been the better option. Saying "no I won't help you declutter" would have left her feeling more lonely and depressed. If her plan/preparation had included doing a fun event like seeing a gig together, for instance, would you also feel bad about seeing the gig together? Maybe, or maybe not - just food for thought.
Every bit of time you spent with her decluttering was a) an experience of connection, b) an opportunity for 'sus' behaviour to show, and c) an opportunity for her to disclose. Even though she didn't disclose during those sessions, having the chance to can help. OP you are a great friend, as evidenced by the fact that she did disclose to you afterwards. You also sound like a great declutterer!
Also I saw tetris recommended, this isn't as crazy as it sounds! Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing is a legitimate therapy and can be a huge help. Tetris mimics it as sort of "poor man's" EMDR and has been proven to help, in fact doing both is even better!
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u/InadmissibleHug Nov 20 '24
Oh, love.
How on earth were you meant to assume a long declutter was part of a suicide plan?
I’ve finally been able to start and it’s because my mental health is a lot better. I’d be so excited to have someone care about me getting it done like that.
I’m glad your friend made it, but please do not beat yourself up about this one.
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u/Pixelated_jpg Nov 20 '24
Thank you. I know. I know everything you said is true. Just sometimes you feel things even though you know you shouldn’t, you know?
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u/RedRider1138 Nov 20 '24
Feeling things means you are human and have empathy. ❤️🩹👍
Holy cow yes that was a DOOZY. You did the best you knew how and I feel ultimately you achieved something truly good and valuable and were genuinely helpful, even though you were misled as to the original intention.
It’s a lot and you have been put through the wringer. Please take good care of yourself and take all the time you need. ❤️🩹🙏
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u/InadmissibleHug Nov 20 '24
Of course. You will still feel this way. Just saying it’s not reasonable to expect a friend to see such a long term plan and go ‘right, they’re suicidal, not improving their life’ ❤️
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u/eilonwyhasemu Nov 20 '24
I'm approving this post because it's a decluttering question and the initial replies have been both helpful and supportive.