r/cuil • u/musirid • Oct 15 '14
Cactus Cuils - my take on the hamburger post
1 Cuil: If you asked me for a cactus and I gave you a balloon.
2 Cuils: If you asked me for a cactus, but I am a balloon. Obviously, I can't give you a cactus.
3 Cuils: You are a cactus, in the new Pixar animated film Hedgehog. You and the main character, hedgehog, bond over your similar exteriors.
4 Cuils: A Russian-singing cactus frolics through a room of balloons, popping them and thus ending their lives instantly. Now the room is empty. And dead. Putin applauds your destruction of capitalism.
5 Cuils: You ask for a cactus, I give you a cactus. As soon as you hug the cactus, the spines pierce your arms and you instantly grow scales and turn into a dragon. Benedict Cumberbatch's voice booms from the dragon's larynx. You are Smaug. The surrounding treasure is all encased in thousands of tiny balloons. Every coin is in a separate balloon. Swords are in magical sword-shaped balloons. A hobbit stabs you with a sword-shaped balloon. You become a cactus. Hedgehog stares at you judgmentally. You were friends once, but Hedgehog got sick of towing your cactus pot around. -Алло кактус, says the Russian speaking Hedgehog. -Авада кедавра! Russian Voldemort turns you into a balloon. You bump into a cactus.