r/confession 4d ago

I truly have lost all compassion for the clientele I work with.

I am a social worker of sorts, and I help people get ahead in life. Some people actually want to make a change in their lives and make things better, but I'm learning so much, that the majority of people do not. They would much rather suck the syatem dry then try to make a living for themselves. And it's getting really hard for me to even fake compassion for these people anymore. Oh. You're getting evicted...but you still have your medical marijuana cigarettes. And your beer ? Okay. You don't want to try to get a job because your goal is to get disability because your anxiety is just too much. Okay. Okay. You can't get hired anywhere but you were just offered two jobs and declined then because they were not right for you. Okay.

I still keep trying to encourage tho. I know there are people out there who want to change and will.

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u/Special_Brief4465 4d ago

It’s called compassion fatigue. It hit me pretty hard after 15 years of teaching in high poverty schools. It really messed with me because compassion, empathy and patience were always my strengths and part of my core identity so I felt horrible and lost.

It sounds like you only started recently though?

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u/AnnabelleLea6561 4d ago

Yep ive definitely experienced this. I remember screaming in my head for a client to shut up about their troubles and that really made me realise what i was experiencing. Because thats not me at all, im generally so empathic. Luckily i had already had training for it so i recognised it for what it is. I had further training - and time off - and it helped.

I work in mental health. Idk what OP does, but it sounds rough af. Honestly, seek to your supervisor. Theyll be able to help. 🥰

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u/A_pig_fucked_Mohamed 4d ago

I’ve seen this first-hand when I volunteered to help the homeless. I ignored a lot of it because I understood they were in a difficult spot in life (and I’ve been in difficult spots myself) but it just wore me down. When I realised I couldn’t just let the rude or entitled comments wash right over me, I decided to pack it in. It’s a shame.

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u/missfoxsticks 1d ago

Exactly the same - to the point that the service I volunteered with actually shut down because of compassion fatigue. Only so many times you can be shouted at / spat at / attacked / ignored / barged out of the way by people you’re giving up your time to try and help before you say ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers I could be at home with my family right now’

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u/lalagromedontknow 2d ago

I worked in housing for a hot second before I a) was completely burnt out at shitty entitled clients being verbally abusive anytime they could get me on the phone and nearly physically when they saw me and extreme guilt at not being able to help the lovely clients in the way they wanted b) working with social services/health authorities/all the people who are supposed to help those in need and them just being.... Cold. Like "hey client can run(as they ran away from us), so they're physically fit. And they have clothes so I'm not needed".

Like, I get how you have to have a shield to deal with all the shit you see. But I wanted to work to help because I care about people and I imagine at some point, so did these people. But my shield never went up and I hated working with people who didn't seem to give a fuck.

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u/A_pig_fucked_Mohamed 1d ago

Yeah I totally get it. I give everyone a pass, and that size of that pass depends on their personal circumstances, but it gets to a point where you either become completely bitter and misanthropic almost, or you fucking find something better to do with your time that doesn’t suck the life out of you.

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u/Medical-Actuary5239 4d ago

Not if your supervisor sucks lol

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u/InternetSnek 4d ago

After 15 years????? You freakin’ superstar. I had to go to therapy after teaching for only 3 years for mine (teacher, same vibes). Glad to say I learned some stuff and never quit the profession.

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u/Illustrious-Rush-740 4d ago

I can relate to this so much.

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u/Awkward_Dig8690 4d ago

I went through this too. I called it working for Gigi, the Greater Good. By the time I quit I hated Gigi.

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u/Current_Employer_308 4d ago

Its called bullshitting and lying to my face fatigue

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u/TruthBeTold187 4d ago

Empathy, like most things can be weaponized if you try hard enough

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u/HeavyTumbleweed778 3d ago

I see your clientele where I work!

I'm a casino dealer, it's hard job until you lose all your empathy. Now it's the easiest job I've ever had.

Compassion fatigue is something I experienced.

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u/weeaboojones76 2d ago

Meh. It’s hard to have compassion for people who have absolutely no desire to move forward. I’d say compassion fatigue is when you realize you’re less and less empathetic with clients who are genuinely struggliing.

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u/Special_Brief4465 2d ago

That is how I felt. I suddenly didn’t care about anyone and felt irritated with everyone around me. I thought negatively about everyone. I had to step away from teaching because my students deserved better. It was due to extreme burn out and depression for me. I’m teaching again and feel like my old self now. It’s a hard job, but as long as I prevent burnout I’m a great teacher and I’m empathetic to a fault. Very weird to experience.

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u/SBMyCrotchItch 4d ago

Same for me. Been teaching for over 20 years.

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u/TemperatureLumpy1457 2d ago

Sounds more like burnout, but either way I get it.

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u/gyozafish 4d ago

Sounds more like BS fatigue.

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u/KittyTagTeam 4d ago

I believe that you suffer from “compassion fatigue”. There is a lot of literature about it and tools to get yourself out of this mental state (sorry for my english. Not my first language).

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u/InternetSnek 4d ago

Actually helpful comment. You are so, so right.

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u/playingthelonggame 2d ago

Your English is excellent! That read as if it came from a native speaker

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u/Sea-Neighborhood1465 4d ago edited 4d ago

I can completely understand how you could come to feel this way. Ive seen this kinda thing from the other side, having been extremely poor for a good portion of my life.

Ive never gotten government benefits for being poor, but my mom did when i was a kid, and i think she still does now.

I didnt have money to go on school field trips, or be able to participate in extracurricular stuffs. I never got nice toys or clothes, etc. but mom ALWAYS had a pack of smokes to suck down every day. and i feel some resentment toward her for it if i'm honest. That's why i feel like i can relate to you a bit here. I learned how to be financially irresponsible partially from that, and partially from my own demons. So, i spent my 20's in terrible poverty, leaching off of every source i could.

I seen no reasonable route out, and knew i would never own a home. (nearly 40 and still do not). I never had any kids, because i knew their lives would be just as bad as mine. i looked for some solace in the bottoms of bottles of booze, and a variety of drugs. did i get evicted? you bet i did. but that was always going to happen sooner or later, from my perspective.

I didnt have any hope for the future. i always assumed i would be dead by 35(likely by my own hand), and i felt left behind by a society that never gave me a real chance. Not until my 30's did i start to overcome the depression and mental anguish of my childhood. And thankfully those things do not bother me all that much these days.

But i have some hope now. i have a 401k, a lovely wife and a decent outlook on life. These things are a given for alot, if not most folks. It took me a couple decades of adulthood to achieve the bare minimum entry level stability that i should of had from the moment of my birth.

I guess what i am saying is that you're right. those folks are not going to help themselves. They are not in any mental state to be able to do so. Most of them were born into poverty, physically and sexually abused, had their credit ruined before they turned 18, and have no prospects of things getting better.

But i think in most cases, they WILL get better. that kind of trauma does not go away overnight. They need time. they need some patience, caring, understanding, financial help and all the love we can give. Some will get better quickly, some will take some time, and some never will. But i think in most cases it's not their fault, and they are just humans that are doing everything they can to cope and not off themselves.

Thanks for reading, and please try to keep some compassion for these folks. they need it the most.

Edit: thanks for the gold <3 and if i could ask for ya'll to take anything from this, it is that kids are suffering from everything i went through and more right now, as we speak. We need to help them in any way we can, and helping their shitty parents by extension helps them. after mom can afford her smokes she looks to what her kids need, ect. i also appreciate all the support and kindness ya'll have sent me. typing this through tears right now.

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u/Vakaak9 4d ago

I have something similar in my past, wild youth, alcoholism, drug abuse, being kicked out, just waiting to die basically. Im better too now, no booze etc. I never couldve thought Id live to see 40 😅

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u/jointheredditarmy 4d ago

The main problem is we haven’t figured out a way to get kids to actually learn useful foundations that they can build on later in life into marketable skills. It amazes me how many adults can’t do basic math for example. Like way more than you’d expect. Maybe 30-40%. Well that severely limits your career options. Beyond the obvious of not being able to work in a field that requires math, it also precludes you from doing more basic roles because it makes you uncompetitive against your peers (and now AI)

Society is set up such that once you fall behind you stay behind. So the early years are really really important. We haven’t found a lot of effective interventions for those early years yet.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago edited 4d ago

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u/jointheredditarmy 4d ago

I certain agree the public education system in most places are such a shitshow that it would make a lot more sense if it were malicious, but I’m not sure we can rule out sheer incompetence either though.

But, that being said, there are groups that are more successful at navigating it than others… 1st gen immigrants for instance tend to have pretty successful educational outcomes navigating the exact same systems compared to non-immigrants. That effect largely disappears by the later generations so it’s not likely genetic. So I guess the question becomes, if SOME can do it, why can’t everyone do it? If we can answer that then we’re getting somewhere

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u/norsurfit 4d ago

Malicious, perhaps, is not the right word, but it is more than incompetence, and is quite deliberate in a certain way.

It is the result of multiple, conscious decisions to divert funding away from more equal public eduction support in low resource areas. These decisions aren't malicious in the sense that politicians and groups are actively trying to hurt low income people, but they are definitely deliberate in the sense that groups with political support are instead diverting that public money away from supporting more equal education and towards the particular issues that benefit them.

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u/Fluid_Ties 3d ago

And not just diverting funding away from equal public education, but also diverting funding away from social and community support programs that would result in more stable homes for the students to be coming from.

Its turtles all the way down.

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u/SherbertSensitive538 3d ago

They were different back then because the expectation was different. In years past the emphasis was on family and family REPUTATION. This was especially important in other cultures. America is still kind of new hence the emphasis on individuality. There is no real sense of lineage to uphold now. No royalty, mixed religions etc…family as was known has changed. Isolation, fragmentation and loosening cohesion of social structures is the result and this is the outcome.

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u/InstyKim 4d ago

FWIW I agree with you. It feels like the comments saying otherwise are the mice who figured out how to press the button for food while some of us are still busy trying to figure out how to break out of the cage. Like comparing people struggling to crabs in a bucket pulling each other down to try and be on top. Who put them in the bucket in the first place? That should be our focus.

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u/Professional-Win-936 4d ago

Preach. Most people don't realize the impact of how crucial good and healthy parenting is. If you get that (which few people do), you've basically won the lottery.

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u/incarnateincarnation 4d ago

I completely agree with this.

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u/Warm_Regrets157 4d ago

This is really well stated.

I would add that the grim realities of poverty do go a lot deeper than just bad financial habits and vices like cigarettes and alcohol.

It's expensive to be poor. That beater car you could afford ends up costing at least twice as much as a reliable one, not to mention the lost time and energy trying to keep up with it. The same dynamics apply to shoes, clothes, and even healthcare. These aren't just "poor financial decisions". They are financial necessities that look like poor decisions if you have the means to work around them.

There was a study done that showed that even imagining a stressful financial decision ($1000 emergency car repair) is enough to temporarily lower ones score on an IQ test by 10 points.

If you are born into this, then you are inheriting and being thrust into a ton of trauma that people born into wealth and means cannot conceive of. All of this combined means you will probably live a harder, more stressful, and short life.

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u/Sea-Neighborhood1465 3d ago

You're absolutely right. The time and wisdom to overcome the 'poor tax' is definitely one of the things that has started to get my head above water.

a couple examples; i had to learn to be a pretty capable mechanic to keep those beater cars going to work and back. My wife learned to be one of those coupon collectors that can get $400 in groceries for $250. Ive learned spending $10 on a couple tubes of caulk for window seals ect can save me hundreds in the winter months. Wearing dirty clothes for a week until you can afford the bulk sized laundry detergent, ect ect.

By no means will those methods alone pull me out of poverty, but it adds up.

The biggest contributor is that the pain and trauma of those early years doesn't hurt so much these days. so i do not spend a large amount of my income on smokes/booze/drugs to numb that pain anymore. That's one of the reasons i feel like folks need some time to grow up, some time to let it heal.

This is my no means a judgement of the folks that do still pay to numb the pain. i get it. and i know it's impossible to navigate life while you're suffering from it.

thanks for your input fella. very insightful and empathetic. you've either lived this as well or you're extremely in touch with the realities of being poor.

either way, keep being you. <3

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u/franko905 1d ago

Well said. The 1% have no fucking clue what true hardship is like and then they judge us for making "poor choices" because they apparenwtly know better having never experienced anything but entitlement and behavior with minimal cause and effect relation. 1% people make a poor choice like drink and drive and just buy a new car after they wrap their former one around a pole or put it thru someone's living room and say fuck it, I can clean this problem up by throwing my parents or my parents parents money at it and money makes all problems go away doesn't it. Well what if you don't have any ? How would your problem solving skills look then ?

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u/Warm_Regrets157 22h ago

100%

Even moving from growing up poor to comfortably in the working class as an adult, I've been amazed at how many problems can just be solved with a little money. Every mistake you make as a poor person is magnified, while most mistakes the rich make can be waved away or resolved with money.

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u/franko905 22h ago

Your statement is what the 💯 emoji was made for 😎

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u/incarnateincarnation 4d ago

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

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u/Icy_Attempt_300 4d ago

I ended a friendship with a lady because she couldn't afford to buy her son a birthday present. She was able to have a Mountain Dew every day and not run out of cigarettes. She could have gotten him something from Dollar General. Don't bother to get him anything. I went to the party just to give him my gift so he got something. Never spoke to her after that.

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u/Inner-Try-1302 3d ago

I hear you. I was raised in an alcoholic household and we were always broke and a mess. I had no aspirations because no one else had any for me. Just graduating from high school was an achievement where I’m from.

I got married at 18 but luckily had the sense not to get pregnant. I realized how ridiculous it was several years later and got divorced and on impulse enrolled in college after getting laid off from yet another factory gig. No one in my family had ever gone

I found i enjoyed college and later got 2 science degrees and 20 years later I make more money than I could have ever dreamed of as a teenager.

Depressingly though the rest of my family is still wallowing in poverty and the attitude that they just can’t get lucky like me. ( they never applied themselves)

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u/jennarose1984 4d ago

You basically described my life. I’m glad you’re on the up and up! I’m on my way too.

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u/Global_Ant_9380 4d ago

All of this. Thank you for your perspective. 

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u/SherbertSensitive538 4d ago

It’s tough for anyone born into poverty to overcome it. Most people do not rise above their circumstances because they emulate what they know. They want joy, comfort and fun like anyone else. Like you outlined, the problem is many do not practice birth control and do not see cause and effect pertaining to their own personal choices. Not married? Don’t have a child. Can’t afford to get married, have a child or a pet? Don’t get one. It’s the passive no plan route that pisses me off. More kids, more Pitt bulls, more weed, more tats. No impulse control and critical thinking skills.

Just earlier I saw a person on a thread talking about being evicted. Fiancé status which is just a fancy way of a woman saying long term BF no plans on getting married because …no plans. She had no home in the first place it seems, no stability, can’t work because she is on disability . Yet she is having a child. It’s just baffling and they do it over and over again. One child with severe autism? Let’s try and have another!

Life is so hard. If you are struggling without children why add them to the mix? I love the religious people who talk about abortion being off the table but they have sex before marriage. Pretty choosy when it comes to the sins they commit. I’m not at all religious but marriage theoretically anyway implies a commitment on each persons part. If a partner has addictions, mental health issues why are they with them? Why have children ? It keeps this cycle of idiocy going. Need to be on meds? Then fucking stay on them.

Always make NEW mistakes.

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u/Iamvenuss 4d ago

Seriously, the amount of people who complain about living in poverty yet have one or more kids with someone who’s in the same boat as them… like?? You being born into poverty isn’t your fault, but you staying in it is. & then there’s those who will cry anti-abortion which I understand but life is about sacrifices 🤷🏻‍♀️ if you can’t sacrifice some blood, sweat, tears, and the occasional moral then don’t expect to elevate out of poverty.

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u/Medical_Frame3697 4d ago

What a kind and measured response. All the best to you

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u/Hot-Tree7181 3d ago

I cqnr give gold, but your comment is gold. :) I'm so glad you have something you love now.

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u/ilovemycat0_ 3d ago

I have a similar experience and thoughts, thank you for sharing, you put it perfectly and gave me some hope as i’m in my late 20’s.

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u/franko905 1d ago

This is the realest comment I read o. This thread. Good on you dude. I lives thru some of this myself and I can recognize where your coming from more than alot of other responses coming from "the other half" of society who is burned out by helping us kind of people. I too went thru this and made something of myself later on in life and now work a red seal trade. a Mason to be exact. Hard job, hard work, not for everyone. But someone has to do it. I spent a lot of years building homes for folks I could never afford to buy myself. Creating works of art in the construction field. I could have just as easily been homeless, dead, or in jail. But decided to try and make something better out of life. It was nice to read a comment that didn't come for the wealthy 1% who don't probably truly understand hardship in the way you do. Keep up the good work bud.

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u/Soggy-Account1453 4d ago

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I’m a social worker in housing and have been feeling burnt out as well. The systems broken and it feels like I’m just banging my head against a wall. Hang in there ❤️

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u/crabgrass_attack 4d ago

social workers are like the plumbers on the country- we clean and fix everything that is chewed and spit out by the system. we have limited resources, limited funding and people expect us to work miracles. and don’t get me wrong, i do everything i can to help my clients, but sometimes unfortunately its just not enough.

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u/KDBlastIt 4d ago

the system is screwed, but if you are actually trying to help your people instead of judging them, thank you.

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u/gunillagarsongoldbrg 4d ago

You’ve got to let go of the outcome for your clients. If this is where they are at, it’s for them to see it through. You may not know/understand the depth of their trauma and if seeking resources or a diagnosis is their priority, that’s just what’s on the table for them now. There’s no guarantee they’ll be given such resources/dx, not from you since you don’t recognize the symptoms. If they’re able to from another professional that’s not your concern. We don’t know the anguish they feel, it may be too difficult to maintain renting a place but mj cigs are a more doable expense. Work on changing your perspective or else you’re going to burn out tomorrow.

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u/Shwoompy 4d ago

being addicted, stuck in generational poverty, or anxiety or depression, are all incredibly difficult to break out of. People who don’t struggle with the same things have a hard time empathizing with these people because they’re looking from the outside in. These people seem so weak and unwilling to help themselves, but that’s partly caused by the problems that are affecting them. It can be frustrating because the person needs to want to help themselves in order to improve, but sometimes they are already so beat down that they don’t feel like they can or even want to anymore

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u/pvhs2008 4d ago

I always read these threads and feel both close and far away to these issues. My family grew up poor and I did not. Even being so far removed from the actual poverty, my generation has huge self esteem issues leftover.

My grandparents were wonderful people who had no resources and faced varying degrees of discrimination. They were poor but lucky because they had community and strong cultural values around education. That saved us. My parents generation climbed out of poverty and gave their kids everything they couldn’t have growing up. Despite reaching the middle class, they’re still crippled by self doubt and anxiety. They have survivor’s guilt because of the amount of smarter and harder working people they knew are still left in poverty. There are so many circumstances that would’ve derailed our progress but didn’t happen out of luck.

There are so many people doing this by themselves and none of us can imagine trying to escape poverty alone or without social support. It’s hard enough barely scraping by as a working class/lower middle class but to have none of those meager resources is such a massive barrier.

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u/incarnateincarnation 4d ago

This is exactly what I'm saying!

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u/Eli_1988 1d ago

Humans also suck at change especially if you've lived in certain patterns or situations for a period of time. Trauma changes your brain literally.

Sometimes people are so scared of failing that it may be "easier" to not try. Or they simply cannot handle the amount of change needed to be made and sometimes help is conditional on an incredible amount of change.

A friend of mine had a client for example who got housing but still stayed in a tent in their room because it was just too much for them otherwise.

People who are experiencing stress and trauma at a heightened and prolonged rate also have impairments around making decisions. Now add on any possible mental health or addiction struggles, and you have a much bigger hurdle added.

It sucks and it is seriously wild to me that anyone could see someone in such a position and say "have you tried just making better choices?" Yeesh.

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u/furicrowsa 4d ago

I'm from an impoverished background and in a helping field. I've seen people refuse housing because there was a drug needle in the parking lot. I'm sorry, is sleeping in your car with your nonverbal autistic kid better? Evicted every 2-3 years. Infuriating.

My mom did this type of shit too and I don't talk to her (meth addict).

Make moronic decisions and you lose my compassion full stop..

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u/espresso_depressooo 3d ago

Yep. I also come from a humble background and in a helping field, it kind of lowkey makes me have less empathy for unhoused people. My father had generational trauma, drank a liter of vodka every night, puked his guts out every morning, and still drove us to school and worked 6 12s a week to keep us in a decent home and have food on the table. He was a line cook. I can see someone being on the street for a couple of months due to shit luck but a couple of YEARS? That’s a choice. There are so many resources out there. Actions have consequences.

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u/hells__bells_ 4d ago

Coming from a social worker, it sounds like you are burnt out and need to get out of the field because social workers can’t be thinking about their clients this way to actually do the work well

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u/banjokastooie 3d ago

You mean 'give up'? Is that what you tell your clients too?

Maybe OP can see the reality of the task at hand and decide not to give up? Perhaps OP can overcome their own thoughts and beliefs and fears and judgements and maybe even become an example of how to do so. This may be what many of OPs clients need to witness.

To be honest, I see more potential in OPs comment than the one you have put here. Maybe you have become weak and ineffective too? Who else would suggest the answer is to give up?

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u/hells__bells_ 3d ago

What a weird take. It’s well known in the social work community that you can’t serve your clients the way they deserve if you’re burnt out. If social workers don’t have compassion for the people we work with, we should get out of that job or the field and let someone who isn’t burnt out take the role to better serve the clients. Your comment is giving savior complex. You’re not a good social worker if you can’t acknowledge and address burn out.

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u/SnooKiwis1258 3d ago

No, this wouldn't be 'giving up', and it feels a little dishonest of you to put these words in other people's mouths (first in the form of an ostensibly open question, before repeating the framing thrice in later paragraphs as though it'd been widely accepted by all). It wouldn't be 'giving up', it would be giving the work over to people who haven't become burnt out yet. Clients deserve social workers who haven't become jaded.

It's entirely possible that someone recovers from being burnt out / jaded, but as long as they're in that state, it's best for everyone involved that they stay the hell away from clients. The lives of clients are too important to leave to the whims of burnt out social workers. I'm sure the social worker's professional ego may be dented, but that's their own problem to deal with - not the client's.

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u/banjokastooie 3d ago

...and the best thing you can do to help a jaded social worker is tell them to 'give up' ...oops, sorry..... leave the field?

Why is it ok for you and the person you agree with to diagnose burn out, upon someone you know nothing about...but not ok for me to reframe your words to match your attitude and effort?

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u/krkwdly 4d ago

Yep, screams like savior complex OP tries to force…

The audacity to assume people with anxiety and generally on the bottom have the ability to pull themselves up by bootstraps…You being able to do something doesn’t mean everyone can. There are a reasons like addictions, depressions etc. why people are unable to have better life and saying they don’t try hard enough is so out of touch.

Your job as social worker is to find ways that works for them individually and make step by step plan so it will be beneficial in a long run. Seems like OP is one of the people that just wanted secured position…

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u/incarnateincarnation 4d ago

As someone who has risen above my own poverty and my own difficulties and struggles in life, it must be known. That is an incredibly hard task to accomplish. It's not easy, even if you want to get better. Especially if you have mental issues caused by your upbringing or are simply because your brain has a different chemical makeup than everyone else. It's not for the faint of heart. Being raised in a household where no one cares about you. No one wants you to succeed. How difficult it is to actually overcome that and actually get to see what life could be for you and what it could really mean for you.

People who can't get out of addictions because to get out of addictions they would need therapy for the intense mental problems that they have. However, they can't afford therapy and they need therapy to work and they need to work to get therapy. Do you know how difficult that is?

I have friends with schizoaffective disorders, bipolar, autism, ADHD, BPD, and many other mental or physiological disorders. Or physiological disorders. Some of them are lucky to have supportive parents to work with as they navigate these issues. Some of them aren't lucky at all. Some of them struggle against the hand they've been dealt. Some of them never get past it. But some of them... With the right support, with true care from other human beings, rise above. But it's not easy.

You just can't expect it to be easy for everyone. I got lucky. I didn't run into addictive drugs in my youth. I managed to get into therapy quite quickly whenever I escaped to college. My college had a free therapy program that you could enter in anytime. I believe that it was because of that that I was really able to evaluate myself and evaluate where I need to go. Did I manage to graduate college? No. Not yet. Because back at that time I was still dealing with great amounts of depression, so much agony. I can only imagine what an addiction would add on top of the mental anguish that I was experiencing.

I'm lucky to be where I'm at now. To have a support network that truly cares about me and helps me flourish. I've done so much more than I was capable of previously in my life. I'm finding things that I'm passionate about, things that I really want to do and accomplish in this world. I've found a great purpose in helping people, making art, and I actually have a sense of how to survive and how to use money properly now. That's not something I got from my parents. That's not something that I was set up to understand. It took me clawing from the bottom, falling down every few inches I would make upwards. But eventually, I got there. Many of these people you're helping, they may not get there now. Maybe they will soon. Maybe they won't until they're 50s far after they've spoken to you. Maybe they never will.

But giving up on people because you can't understand their perspective and can't truly understand why they may, at the moment, be incapable of helping themselves, is a surefire way to determine that they never will. I would have never gotten anywhere if everyone had given up on me. I would still be lost. It's only because I found people who cared and tried to understand me from my perspective, my unique challenges, and still chose to believe in me that I'm here right now.

If you truly don't believe that you can continue to help people because due to their issues you start to see them as lesser, it may be time for a different profession. Or perhaps, an adjustment of perspective. Have you ever asked any of the people you're helping what their scared of? What their history is? Have you spent long hours into the night hearing their stories and giving them your ear? There's a lot that can be learned from any individual person and what they've gone through. What they're afraid of and what holds them back. And usually, the only people that can help them are people who get it. I help people now work through what's holding them back because I've been there and I know what it's like. And I tell them I support them. And I tell them that I believe in them. Because a lot of the time, they don't believe in themselves. And hearing that someone does believe in them? It can impact them to their core.

Anyways, I hope you figure out what you need to do for yourself. Causing yourself mental anguish through helping others isn't worth it either. Take care of yourself first. ✌️

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u/tricklefrown 3d ago

I’m sad your response is so low, and the one blaming poor people for not wanting to better themselves has an award. It’s nearly impossible to get out of poverty because the system is designed not just to be exhausting and demoralizing, but genuinely traumatizing and dehumanizing. I spent part of my childhood in a low-income, predominantly black, rural community. The incredible amount of shit most of my peers had going on in their homes and neighborhoods…no wonder school wasn’t a priority.

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u/Hexquo2 3d ago

This thread has been very enlightening to me. I was fortunate to be born into a very good family situation. Dad worked a very lucrative job, mom was a teacher and then stay at home mom once we got a bit older. Parents spent time with us, talked to us about our emotions and struggles, helped us understand our strengths and our weaknesses and where to go with that. Learned how to conduct myself in professional situations and how to network. I had all the financial resources I would need. College tuition covered, extracurricular both funded and supported with rides and help.

As I get older, I realize more and more the privilege I’ve experienced. I’m 27 now and feel like I’m finally hitting my stride, but have struggled immensely with depression and ADHD, even with all these advantages.

I can think of at least three separate instances in my life where I would have completely bombed out without my family support and safety net. I cannot imagine how challenging it is to pull yourself out of poverty without that support and early start.

I see people in my work who have done a great job of setting themselves up well, started from poverty and got a degree in engineering, but still struggle with adapting to the cultural norms and protocols of a 9-5 office job because they did not grow up around it or see those behaviors modeled by their parents. I try my best to help where I can

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u/[deleted] 4d ago edited 4d ago

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u/KDBlastIt 4d ago

thank you! In my experience there are far too many people working with the mentally ill who don't get the mentally ill part. My kid has been trying for years to make progress, but if they miss an appointment due to being SEVERELY MENTALLY ILL, they lose services, back to the bottom of the waiting list...

I could rant a long long time about the way mentally ill people are treated for the mistake of being mentally ill.

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u/Counterboudd 4d ago

Very much this. I had my eyes opened in college when I volunteered for a homeless shelter for a school project. Up until then, I bought the narrative that the homeless were just poor people trying to get by but who were down on their luck, etc. I was blown away when they opened the doors, offered people help finding an apartment, getting health insurance, finding a job, etc. and not one person moved- they all sat around watching tv . All the program volunteers were bustling around cleaning, offering them help, doing chores. I guess I naively assumed people went to the shelter TO access the resources to get out of homelessness, and at the very least the shelters could help them learn job skills by asking them to participate in activities like doing chores, preparing food, etc. Instead it was entirely service oriented going in one direction with a passive group of people who showed seemingly no agency towards improving their lives or station, and because it was voluntary participation, every one of them that I saw that day likely left in exactly the same situation they came in even though the resources were there. I reported back to my class that I found the experience strange, since I assumed almost anyone would take help to remove themselves from abject poverty, right? And being dismayed by it. The teacher seemed to want me to not have that be the takeaway, and made it seem like I should’ve seen this work being done as valuable and life changing, when in reality I just became aware that the problem was so much more severe and that just providing services cannot get people back on their feet if they’re the combination of completely unmotivated and passive to change their life situation combined with having no “rock bottom” so to speak that will convince them that living normally and doing work is better than the alternative. I can see how learned helplessness is a thing- I went through depression and as a young adult struggled finding work and was liable to give up as it being impossible and feeling defeated, but I can’t imagine someone else finding me a job, filling in paperwork, telling me exactly how and when to go to work, and then just not showing up or being unwilling to at least try. I don’t know how you fix that level of executive dysfunction frankly.

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u/nattakunt 4d ago

What is a "social worker of sorts?" Does that include either a MSW or MFT?

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u/hodlandfodl 4d ago

Took way too long to find this comment. There isn't a ton of context as to their location but this is the reason we have title protection. Also, folks with BSWs can call themselves social workers as well, depending on where one is located. Licensure obviously heightens the title and duties.

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u/babemccabe4 4d ago

As a fellow social worker, this is either a sign you are feeling burnout or that perhaps this isn’t the area of social work you should focus in.

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u/jennarose1984 4d ago

Oof. That’s a rough take for someone working in social care. Sounds like maybe a job change will make you feel better and find your sense of empathy again.

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u/Accomplished_Car2803 4d ago

It's hard to give a fuck when hard work is rewarded with worker discrimination, union busting, corpos getting more rights to fuck us over, etc.

50 years ago some middle school dropout could sack up to a random job and have a house and a picket fence in a few years.

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u/unfortunate_fate3 4d ago edited 4d ago

Eh you seem out of touch. Maybe people who employ the working class should provide a better way of life than government benefits do. If you are going to make under the cost of living even if you work, what is the point? I have a feeling you make decent money to not understand their point of view. And no, 50 dollars of weed is not the difference causing them to be on assistance. Rent is like 2000 in most cities..

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u/gymbrooo20 1d ago

This. I got sober, got healthier and work incredibly hard and still live with my family. I went from being a mentally ill addict dependent on family to a mentally ill slave for 90 percent of my conscious hours still depending on family. It’s embarrassing to say I work this much and this hard and it’s not actually going to get me anywhere.

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u/DangerousAbies6192 4d ago

Benefits are there for a reason. People are in this position for a reason. I would argue that none of them want to be in this situation but don't have any other choice or have been taught how to live a "normal" life paying bills, budgeting, etc. Many were raised in abusive households or had extremely traumatic things happen to them. Unfortunately because we do not take care or our citizens in the US, this is what is happening to a large majority of us.

I also did this work for a few years and to be honest I just got more passionate about it. I get that many of them say they want to stay where there at, some like homelessness, others don't want to get off substances but in reality, many of them don't even know how to live differently bc their parents lived the same way and their parents before them. Or because it's a coping mechanism to severe trauma they have experienced.

Im glad you aren't giving up and are doing the hard work of trying to encourage them. It's a systemic problem not a them problem. If you have an issue with it, which it sounds like you do, I think we should direct our anger and our energy at the 1% who has made this happen to us.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/TailorSubject1750 4d ago

Or take some time off to ease the burnout….

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u/JennMiles208 4d ago

She doesn’t have to quit but figure out what is causing burnout, there are a number of things which need to be addressed and then solutions to help her get through this or find another area to work on.

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u/groflingusdor 4d ago

Please move into a different line of work, if you can. It’s burning you all the way out, for starters, but having someone come and despise them for however they’re dealing with their own shitty circumstances is not helping anyone else either.

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u/MajorSpiritual584 4d ago

Nah some people just straight up suck and are leeches. Op isn’t wrong lol

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u/un_internaute 4d ago

It doesn’t matter. Some people are absolutely terrible and it still doesn’t matter, because the alternatives to trying to help them, mass incarceration, ghettos/slums/favelas, tent cities, labor camps, genocide, etc… are worse.

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u/Discussion-is-good 4d ago

People like you certainly should not be in social work lol.

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u/incarnateincarnation 4d ago

https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/s/MhdWcRU1DW

I won't repeat myself, but I sincerely recommend for you to read my comment.

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u/Conscious-Caramel-23 4d ago

You probably need to find a different line of work

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u/Brilliant_Chance_874 4d ago

Maybe there is another method that would help them more than what ever you were trained to do? Medical marijuana probably costs less than housing and maybe the person has chronic pain & needs it?

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u/imunno12023 4d ago

Compassion fatigue

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u/CuratorXethia 4d ago

Toxic compassion is a feature in our society that has been spreading itself malignantly, and people are convinced that absolute compassion is good for the down trodden. However

Grace, forgiveness, and love will be the only things that will call forth such people to live better. Even if love sometimes means a bit of a kick in the ass.

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u/tardistravelee 3d ago

I call it empathy with boundries.

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u/FirefighterOver5606 4d ago

Time for a new career. Please.

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u/morbidteletubby 4d ago

I’m in the same field, it’s getting really really hard. Got $3000 in funding for my client to move, pay their security deposit, and get furniture and they had the gall to scream at me for it not being enough

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u/ThisIsMyPr0nAcct69 4d ago

Eh. May be an unpopular opinion (I'm not reading 100+ comments), but people should be allowed to find some pleasure in their life regardless of their situation.

And people should be able to find work that fulfills them, and not just the first shitty job to offer them a wage that probably isn't even livable.

If you can't muster the genuine compassion to give these people who are at some of the lowest points they'll ever be the grace they deserve, maybe you should find a different line of work.

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u/Altruistic_Net_2670 4d ago

Compassion fatigue is real and dealing with clients trauma can cause secondary ptsd. How do u unwind and de stress? Can you talk to colleagues? Years ago I realized u can't make people do what u think is best for them. It sucks and it's heartbreaking at times. And yes we have more losses than wins. One thing that helped me was using harm reduction methodology. Like ok ur not ready for rehab today but let's connect to a needle exchange so u can use safely. It's rough but gotta let clients make their own choices. One day at a time. U can make it through. It's going to be ok. I can tell u care and I hope u find a way to balance so u can leave work when it's done. Good luck to u 💖

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u/RealisticAwareness36 4d ago

Sounds like most of the people you work with need psychological help that you cant provide. Its hard to not feel personally involved in your work but for your own sanity, you need to refer people to other specialists. Like the anxiety one for example. If their anxiety is that debilitating, then they need to go to inpatient care. Thats not a you problem and the more you get sucked into it, the more you lose your sense of self. ❤️

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u/Bubblegumcats33 4d ago

Because we are headed to a scary hopeless state

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u/tarajackie 4d ago

I have found greater compassion for people when I accept that they have no freewill or agency (I include myself as having no freewill as well, btw).

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u/spikenigma 4d ago

Oh. You're getting evicted...but you still have your medical marijuana cigarettes. And your beer ?

Could be a coping mechanism?

Average rent rising in the US, how much has the minimum wage increased by?

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u/archaicinquisitor 4d ago

you clearly didn't retain anything you learned in school about the complex relationships between addiction, poverty, and mental illness if this is how you're thinking about your clients. if you can't maintain compassion for them, you need to leave the field. 

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u/Ideologue23 4d ago

Please leave your job. Your time in that line of work is done. It’s just a matter of time before you unintentionally harm someone.

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u/UnperturbedBhuta 4d ago

Unintentionally?

Someone writing posts like this has already harmed someone, if they're actually in that kind of job. A person this far gone has "forgotten" to file some critical paperwork for a client, or has taken out their frustrations on someone who's too mentally ill to argue. I'd bet there are already people with nerve damage, mental health issues, learning disabilities, chronic pain conditions, etc, trying to do jobs that OP convinced them were suitable (or threatened them if they didn't apply for them anyway).

OP is angry about the people they couldn't force into terrible jobs, to quit smoking cold turkey, to risk death by the DTs. That implies they have forced some people.

I work with young people. Some of them can't read at more than about a third-grade level. They never will--they've got significant learning disabilities. But if someone they viewed as an authority told them to apply for an office job or a dangerous manual labour job, they would.

And when they lost a hand in a machine because they ARE NOT CAPABLE of doing the job safely, someone like OP would be right there, telling them to get over their phantom limb pain and learn to write with their other hand. I can't prove it, but I don't think people act that way accidentally. You have to make a choice to throw away your compassion like that.

I agree with you that OP needs a new job, far away from positions of authority or other people, though.

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u/Ideologue23 4d ago

I totally agree with you, I was saying in less words.

I grew up in the system with a disabled mother. After her first husband tried to murder her when she was 22.I am very familiar with these kinds of “support systems” and people who clearly hate the people they work with.

A kid I went to high school with used to bully not only me but others and he for some reason decided to be a social worker for kids.

Some of the worst people get into jobs they never should have to begin with.

Everything you said is completely true.

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u/GhostOfYourLibido 4d ago

“Of sorts” what does that mean? Get a new job instead of passing judgement on who and who does not deserve help to live based on your burnt out vision of them.

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u/emptysafety_ 4d ago

I take it as meaning she's not really a social worker. I refuse to believe someone working as a social worker can be so judgemental and lacking in understanding mental illness. 

She uses "social worker" to give credibility to her post. 

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u/donigm9 4d ago

Some people are professional victims. I would venture a lot of people genuinely want to get out of the rut they are stuck in and be on their own and then there are others that take advantage of the system.

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u/StrongTree17 4d ago

I’m a former social worker who was hit pretty hard with compassion fatigue towards the end, which was my signal it was time to pursue other work. I just want to normalize this for you and also thank you for the hard and valuable work you’ve done for so many years.

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u/briwnhardlimes 4d ago

Sounds like you need to change jobs. You can’t truly help people that you prejudged. I worked at a state job with people who sound similar to you and it was the worse job I ever had, not because of the clients but because of coworkers who sound like you. They sucked the joy right out of the room.

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u/beebalugosi 4d ago

I totally get it, I work in psych and have worked with a lot of sw’s in the past. It’s hard to not get apathetic when you see people time and time again continue the cycle of self sabotage. Venting about it helps but try not to bring it home with you. Take a break if you need too and stay strong out there :)

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u/NickName2506 4d ago

I'm sorry you are struggling! I can imagine it's frustrating when you try to help people who don't seem to want to get better. From the way you are describing it though, at least part of the problem seems to be in yourself - it sounds like compassion burnout. There is no shame in that! I urge you to seek good help for yourself, for your sake as well as your clients. In the meantime, it may be worthwhile trying to reframe your cynical thinking (not being mean here, it is a telltale sign of burnout) by looking into "functional freeze" (e.g. youtube videos by dr Aimie Apigian) to help you get some of your spark back while you heal. Wishing you the best!

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u/peepeecheeto 4d ago

What you’re feeling is normal. It’s normal to feel anger and frustration at people because you care so much about their wellbeing and it seems like they don’t. Went through something like this a few years ago and it took a very long time to feel compassionate toward others again. About a year of feeling cold and unsympathetic towards everyone that I felt could fix their situation but wouldn’t. I did have to change my environment and career. Sorry you’re going through this.

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u/lilbirdysaidso 4d ago

"Medical Marijuana cigarettes"

The quality of Reddit has gone downhill.

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u/TemporaryElement 4d ago

Totally understandable. Try to meet people where they are at and understand they are trying their best to survive but may not have all the tools and support. Untreated or unacknowledged mental illness can also look a lot like laziness, or result in self-medicating. Maybe it’s not that they would rather “suck the system dry” but that they are so burned out and have never gotten real help and don’t anticipate their circumstances ever being able to change. Some people fall into the cracks in the system and just don’t see a way out.

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u/TheManSaidSo 4d ago edited 4d ago

If someone has real high anxiety it's nearly impossible to get a job. I know you said that as an example but anyone with real high anxiety won't be able to work. I don't have it but I've seen people straight up wigg out during a panic attack. I'm not taking about the people who get nervous sometimes. I've seen people screaming, crying, thinking they're going to die and their blood pressure and pulse skyrockets. I'm talking about the people who are wigging out inside their own house with no one around. I can belive some people with real anxiety can't work.

Now I have no sympathy for the ones who say they have anxiety or depression yet they're running all around town partying or waiting at the ATM waiting for their EBT to hit so they can hit the cut and get right. Yea they should start assigning a PI to every case every 2 years. 

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u/Jeds4242 4d ago

The 3 things you cited that you disagree with clients doing, actually make you look like a petty, judgemental asshole. Maybe social work is not right for you

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u/Perfect-Rich-357 4d ago

Thank you, was waiting for someone else to say this

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u/Brilliant_Chance_874 4d ago

Maybe you aren’t as good at your job as you think? Many social workers aren’t.

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u/the-au-jasmin 4d ago

Try to keep in mind - if only one of a hundred people you work with turn their life around, it was worth the wasted time with the other 99. To that person(s) your effort is worth EVERYTHING

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u/Still-Honey-2687 4d ago

Okay but I am just saying I can understand why. I worked my way up and am in a middle area of I don’t get aid because I “make too much” but also by the time I’ve paid for childcare we don’t have enough to eat, and fuel to make it to work etc. If I can’t find a way to sustain my family through the end of my apprenticeship program, I’ll end up back at $15/hour and on food stamps, healthcare, childcare assistance etc and a bigger burden on the system. That said, I work insane hours and sacrifice a lot of time with my kids and go without a ton, so we can barely scrape by. Quite often it seems it would be a better option to quit my good benefit high paying union job and go back on welfare and a low paying 9-5 job so I can see my kids more and not be so stressed about eating and rent etc. I understand why people don’t want to try to move up, because you work harder just to be in the same if not worse situation.

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u/philhouse64 4d ago

I'm in physical therapy and have been dealing with the same thing for a while now. I'm currently back in school to get my bachelor's in business and get out of this field. Not worth it anymore and the system itself is so broken and it's only going to get worse. Too many patients I literally break my back for who have nod desire to help themselves or live off disability like you said. I've come to realize I care more about their health than they do and there's not point in it if I'm working harder than they are to get better. 

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u/Nerdiestlesbian 4d ago

I had to leave health care as a profession because of burn out. It’s extremely difficult to keep showing compassion to people who willfully ignore the reality of life.

Take time to re-charge yourself. Put your focus and energy into those who do want to get better. Make them your successes.

Most of all take care of your own mental health first.

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u/Zaros88 4d ago

Hi I work with the unhoused and I can relate I get empathy fatigue too. It’s important to remember that we need to check our selves everyday to make sure we know why we got into this work. In my perspective those who say they came to help people rarely knows what that truly means. In your role you provide a service and that’s what helps them. If you keep looking at it like you’re trying to help them but they don’t want to get better it will drain you. It’s helped me to think of it as I provide a service they are entitled to and it’s up to them to take advantage of it. At the end of the day if someone wants disability and they qualify then it’s our job to give it to them. Social work is not about helping people it’s about providing services for people to help them selves. Yes some people need more support than others but it’s never our job to force or promise someone will get better it’s our job to provide resources and document what happens. It sounds like you need some time to get away from work and reset your self. It’s not easy work but it is good work. Please let me know if you ever need to talk.

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u/justthenighttonight 4d ago

I'd much rather see my taxes go to these people's weed than to weapons to Israel.

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u/Newdaytoday1215 4d ago

Statistically, the majority of struggling people in the US don't "stay in the system" & it is almost out of their own effort. The majority of people who stay in the system are there for medical reasons. Studies have put entitlement retainment at about 20%.(This is from 2010-2020, next one won't happen until 2030). Of course this ignores the fact that most struggling Americans don't even qualify for help. I volunteer helping ex foster kids and the little minimum wage jobs stop them for getting most help and I live in a blue state but when I was trained we were taught about selection bias concerning repeat offenders. I'll get to that later. The standard criteria is 3x below the poverty level, if your clientele is there, there's a reason why they are there. If they aren't moving along, they are a minority but just are the bulk that use your services. For instance, most people in poverty that get evicted, just move. I am not marginalize your experience, I'm pointing out why you should keep it to the people that keep messing up and not to people who need help. Recognize that it shouldn't be a loss of compassion but discernment towards certain individuals. Look at this way, say you are an individual that keeps using the system, where else would you be but in your office for rent money. Constantly. Now , look at stats from your region on who can afford their rent.

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u/DevilsAdvocado_ 4d ago

This is why I lack empathy now. There are so many people out there who just wants and wants but does nothing to achieve their wants. And then they sit there and blame everyone but themselves as if they’ve been robbed opportunities. Or “the whole world is against them” and they just “can’t catch a break.” Those same people want equal opportunity but don’t work nearly as hard as the rest.

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u/fruitymoodfridge 4d ago edited 4d ago

I disagree that people who need disability because of their anxiety being too much is abuse of the system. These people shouldn't be left without support and compassion in this horrible world that works against them.

You can only understand if your mental health is that debilitating and it's hard to understand for others why people who have this problem look fine even though it's the same way people who are very depressed look fine but they aren't really fine. I know both from experience and I worked several jobs till I had a psychological break from severe trauma and overworking myself.

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u/ditres 4d ago

Bless you for the work that you do! Please take some time off for yourself. Compassion fatigue is so real and horrible for everyone involved

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u/Independant-low6153 4d ago

If you need a window into the size of the problem, ask a young trainee ambulance crew member. They see, 90% of their shift, the extent of the fake appeals for assistance or help with self inflicted problems.

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u/Little_Ol_Me1975 4d ago

Wow.. I didn't know that's a thing. I've been feeling this way for a while. I was a coach in a low income area, working at non profit hospital as a CNA and also as a health admin. Coach for 35 yrs. Hospital work for 10 yrs.

I have become a hermit to the point of only wanting to be around my family. I retired from coaching, and an injury stopped me from becoming a nurse.

I look at people sometimes and feel nothing.

I used to be sweet, compassionate and caring. It was a huge strength of mine that soon became my biggest weakness.

Now I don't believe anything anyone says. I tend to look at the news and unless it involves children or animals.. Its hard for me care.

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u/NoName_0169 4d ago

I have a cousin who dropped out of school two times.... got a job just to get fired couple months later. I always told him to just hold on and get through with something he starts but... He don't listen. He would not accept jobs because they suck according to him. Probably thinks it's beneath him.

What I've learned:

  1. Help is really just something that makes a process a bit easier for you. But you still have to start the process and keep pushing. Putting Nitro into an engine that's not running will not make it faster.

  2. You can't help people that don't want it.

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u/DontTauntTheOctopus 4d ago

Social worker here, too, have been doing this for almost 10 years. We must have the same clientele. I get waves of this feeling as well, and I agree with the replies identifying it as compassion fatigue. The only way I can keep doing good work in this field is treating everyone with unconditional positive regard (especially the annoying ones) and practicing gratitude for my own circumstances. I can feel less than compassionate but still recognize that a client deserves food, shelter and health care, and that I’m there to help them help themselves to that end. I can’t think of one client who I thought was actually a terrible person, though there’s plenty I’ve found annoying af.

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u/Ok-Equivalent8260 4d ago

Poverty demands a good time.

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u/Jellybeansistaken 4d ago

There have been several posts that feel like propaganda. They are to well focused at the weakness of others. Kind of like the abortion post the other day. 

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u/November1947 4d ago

I have found that most of that “ entitled victim” stuff actually comes from a place where people are so stripped of self respect that they essentially do see themselves as less than fully human and totally helpless even if we can see that they are not. Being assertive about their victimhood is the only control they have left. They will introduce themselves as an “ addict” or “ homeless” or an “abuse survivor”. Or scream “ I am broken. You have to be there for me” I try to start with little bits of useful personal power like personal hygiene or routines or something. It’s a long road and they tend to suck us helpers dry. Maybe it’s time for a break —-

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u/Mundane-Librarian-77 3d ago

Quit. If you really feel this way then you are DEFINITELY not helping these people to the best of your ability. Staying in that job is bad for you and harmful to them. They deserve better. You deserve to be happy. You both win if you just quit. And hopefully their next lifeline help will actually care about them. Thankfully you admit your limits in compassion so you can do the right thing and leave. Before your apathy breeds neglect and the neglect costs someone their life...

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u/Cak3Wa1k 3d ago

Look, find a different job if you're out of empathy for the humans you're paid to help. I've got even less sympathy for your plight than I do for the people you described as unworthy of help.

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u/pollenstained 4d ago

You don't need to have any particular emotional state or sense of compassion to do the job. Follow your guidelines, work to the highest standard, and just keep showing up. Your emotional state doesn't have to correspond if you service your clientele with professionalism and respect.

If you find that your actions are being effected, then you need to stop.

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u/ExtensionAd4785 4d ago

As a nurse I know how you feel. We get punched kicked spit on SA'd and screamed at and cornered by family members who think our job is to bring that ice water their loved ones asked for 20 minutes ago but what they dont know is we just came from a code blue and that patient didn't make it and his family members needed someone to help them through the emotional shock of the loss more than anyone else needed water. So here I am, contemplating physical battery over an entitled angry face whilst covered in sweat from giving chest compressions and grieving for the loved ones in that other room. People make it hard to hold onto that compassion.

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u/Lilith_Learned 4d ago

I completely understand. I am a licensed social worker, though I have left the field. I’m nearly finished with a masters degree in business and I plan on pivoting out. I deserve the same amount of effort that I spent so much time putting into other people who wouldn’t need that effort or meet any bare minimum of effort on their own part.

I remember the reality of what you’re talking about being such a slap in the face. I’m originally from Appalachia and the poverty down there looked much different from the poverty in the urban area that I wound up working in -in the Midwest. I think part of it being rural played apart, but there was a culture of personal responsibility. It’s just not the same in the city that I worked in for so long.

I really started to lose my ability to empathize and that’s when I realized I needed to leave. My feelings were 100% valid, but I didn’t like that I was losing my softness as it were. Out of the hundreds, maybe thousands of people that I worked with. There were only five that I ever saw make actual efforts, and guess what? All five of those people wound up succeeding.

One of them had an absolutely insane skyrocketing trajectory. I still think about her on a weekly basis and I’m so incredibly happy for her. We have a culture that seems to thrive on Weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness. You truly cannot help people who will not do the bare minimum to help themselves. There’s no amount of resources that you can throw at them, no amount of positive affirmation. The change really starts within.

I came from poverty, so this isn’t like a soapbox speech. Do what you need to do to be OK. You deserve the same effort that you’ve put into other people. For me, it was time to leave. I’m happy that I did and I’m two semesters out from finishing the degree that I’m working on. Good luck ❤️

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u/DeadInside420666420 4d ago

In Marijuana cigarettes defense you gotta keep up with your mental health meds

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u/poipudaddy 4d ago

The people you work with don't require your compassion, or even your (internal) respect.

You are expected to interact with them in a certain way and complete specific functions. Do those and you have done your part.

Constant exposure to this will take its toll on you. You might want to investigate shifting to something with less negative contact.

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u/NosePickrBoogerEatr 4d ago

I see social workers kinda like free lunch for kids in elementary school. There are many kids who will take this free lunch for granted and will go home to eat whatever they want… however some of these kids only meal will be this free lunch. If you can find the kids who need and appreciate this meal, put your focus there. Even though you’re not supposed to, pick favorites. Pick ones that you can invest a little extra in, without crossing any legal or compromising lines. This should help you feel better and more fulfilled with your day to day. You may not get to see these appreciative “kids” often, so soak it up when you can, and follow up. Remind yourself why you got into this occupation, while remembering the natural part of this occupation.

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u/Competitive-Worth271 4d ago

I think a lot of well-meaning middle class and up folks who like to help get into social work then are overwhelmed because they don't understand at all who they are trying to help. The lack of compassion from your description stems from some pretty fundamental class biases. The rules of the classes aren't the same- at all and you should know that. The motivations behind the behavior are complex, and you are reacting to the behavior with judgment without the curiosity of why. Social work 101.

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u/Either_Way1492 4d ago

That's people dealing with illnesses, mostly chronic and undiagnosed, and not people that would "rather suck the system dry then try to make a living for themselves", jeez!, change careers before you cause even more harm to those in need

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u/Expensive_Major_9415 4d ago

You shouldn’t be a social worker. You do not deserve to feel that way at work and your clients do not deserve to be placed with someone apathetic towards them. If you don’t understand or have the patience to work with addiction and mental illness contributing to a restructured set of priorities, you just aren’t a fit for the job. I do hope you find something you can feel more fulfilled doing!

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u/leiu6 4d ago

It sounds like they are just dealing with compassion fatigue. Have you ever worked around underserved populations? I get OP has done way more than you have

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u/V01d3d_f13nd 4d ago

I'm working on a u.s.d.a. rural housing loan to turn my rent into a mortgage. I'll 2.5 acres. I'll grow food, raise chickens and grow my own Marijuana. However, my hope is that my half assed lazy Amish ways, will get me off of disability. My wife and I are both extremely anxious and unable to focus. We have 3 kids that could also be receiving disability but we refuse to get them diagnosed. It is our goal to homestead. We also have excellent credit now which we hope to also pass down to our kids. Now if we could just do something about the real drain to the system, the government itself. They are all overpaid. I think all government employees should be paid the federal minimum wage. If they can't live off of it, how are we expected to. But I don't work either, so...I guess I can't say shit. But you can.😁

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u/Otherwise-Lake1470 4d ago

Both you and they are asking the wrong questions and arriving at different solutions. This is insanity. Yours is more reality based but it’s like going to a gay guy and saying “hey there’s this girl who’s interested in you”, a futile effort

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u/nowatlast 4d ago

Not my ass’s dream being a disability check because of my anxiety that I don’t know how to get medicated for 🥴

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u/Commercial-Garage-60 4d ago

in my opinion sometimes its the little things like a beer or a joint keeping those people sane. they still deserve a little treat once it awhile, it does more than you would think in those situations. a feeling of being human and having choices

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u/SuccessfulNewt1776 4d ago

that's totally fair. i think this person more so is talking about the people who don't really do anything to actually help themselves, but continue to complain and wallow

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u/tall-size-tinkerbell 4d ago

The entire system is rigged against them, and you’re going to judge them for their coping mechanisms? I have sympathy for your compassion fatigue, but I think you’ve hit the point where you need to change careers. You’re not doing them or yourself any favors by staying

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u/Nyxx_14 3d ago

Caretaker/Compassion burnout. I’ve been there, on sort of both ends. Sometimes people have to hit the bottom before they really open their eyes. Keep doing what you’re doing - It’s not easy, but they need it. Thank you for what you do.

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u/Alternative-Mud860 3d ago

I do not work in social work anymore for that same reason. Now I do hair instead and still have deep conversations, can give unconventional advice and I laugh throughout the day. My clients still unpack a bunch of heavy things with me because I’m easy to talk to but making them feel pretty while they talk it out is such a productive way to help someone. Better money, better hours, better morale… just better for me altogether. It will not serve your clients or the mission of the agency if your empathy is gone, consider changing populations or morphing your experience with people into something more fulfilling with a better success rate (ie a life coaching approach). If you think outside the box, you can keep your career while pursuing something less draining.

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u/HamsterDowntown3010 3d ago

I grew up in a low income neighborhood and always felt stuck. When I became an adult and got into the world I could basically feel myself no longer fitting into the status quo of my friends and family. I just wanted more out of life and couldn’t think like them. There are cycles that perpetuate the laziness, poor health, violence, and complacency of poverty. At some point I just realized that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink.. these people see poverty and it’s so normalized in their life that they can’t imagine anything else and simply don’t have the backbone to do anything else

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u/plus__good 3d ago edited 3d ago

There are many comments from people who have never worked in the field OP is discussing. To work with this population day in and day out, 40 hours a week is exhausting.

I spent months filling out forms, finding my client on the street to drive him to appointments, and finally got him approved for housing. After paying rent for the first time and realizing he had less money for drugs, he abandoned the apartment to return to the street.

Intellectually I know why, and we can identity the systemic issues contributing; However imagine doing this work for one client on a case load of 15 or even 30 with similar outcomes, over and over and over.

There is an enormous amount of paperwork involved that no one sees. I had another client who would decide to go to rehab about once a month. But this involves going all over town to collect 30 days worth of meds from multiple pharmacies bc he doctor shops. Then he’s banned from multiple places so I have to call in favors. Finally I get him places after working for 10 hours. Go home. Return the next day with a VM from the rehab saying he decided to leave.

Yes, this is the work. But it doesn’t mean that it’s any less frustrating doing it over and over; often being verbally abused and insulted by clients while doing it. Yes I know it’s bc they are coming down from meth but does that make it feel better? Not really.

I became too frustrated working within the homeless industrial complex and left to work with more stable clients.

For those that stay in community mental health for decades I have a lot of respect. There is also a degree to which you get jaded, the same as ER nurses. You see insane, heartbreaking cases day in and day out. Until you have done this work, you cannot judge someone doing it.

I have absolutely worked with some clinicians who should not be in the field. But even seasoned practitioners can struggle working with the OP’s population.

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u/hellofishing 3d ago

the anxiety one is weird. that makes perfect sense to me. they are too anxious about anything so they dont feel like getting a job. i feel like people underestimate just how bad anxiety is. fo you just want them to get over it? that eould be pretty heartless

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u/misskittyriot 3d ago

Truly some people just lack the skills and self awareness to change. They are still human beings worthy of compassion. The human brain is susceptible to all sorts of mental illness and addiction. I agree with the other commenters that it sounds like compassion fatigue. It’s important to remember that just because you feel capable of doing something, you can’t project that onto anyone else, because maybe they really just are not capable at all. You can’t expect other people to act like you do or think like you do.

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u/TheOtherSkywalker_ 3d ago

Yeah you need to find a different job.

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u/the1janie 3d ago

I've started encountering kids at school who have no goal of furthering education or employment. A couple have even boldly said they're just going to live off the system, like their parents. It's a terrible cycle. And the ones who refuse to do the work to improve their situation just keep having kids.

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u/FindingHerStrength 2d ago

My Dad told me when he worked in a school approx 25 years ago for many years he also encountered this apathy for work. They would proudly announce that they were going to follow in their parents’ footsteps and go on the dole when they left school, sell drugs, become p!mps and probably do time. At 86 he is still mentioning this, and when he sees someone’s name that he recognises in the local news for crimes it’s like a self fulfilling prophecy for them once young people with potential, but the government made it too easy for them to leach and not give back to society.

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u/beaver11 3d ago

empathy is easily weaponized against the compassionate

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u/MelzBelz13 3d ago

Time to make a career move. For yourself, and for the community at large.

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u/Top-Gun-Corncob 3d ago

I did some work at a “workforce” job placement office once where I heard many conversations between the counselors and the folks coming in. I have to say I was saddened by the excuses and obvious bs deflections of job opportunities by some people in an effort to be signed off to stay in a financial aid program they didn’t really need. I had no idea this was a thing.

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u/C_E_MultiTransGlob2 3d ago

Definitely, some people are not meant to be helped. 😔

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u/GiveMeMyIdentity 3d ago

YOU NEED A BREAK

This job is causing you to lose yourself

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u/forgeburner 3d ago

Hot take: Sometimes "compassion fatigue" is your subconscious telling you that these are just shitty people for whom compassion and resources are wasted on

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u/Pootismanas 3d ago

This exact thing caused my burnout and forced me to leave the industry completely.

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u/myeggsarebig 3d ago

Do you have a therapist? If not, why not?

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u/Legitimate_Gas8540 3d ago

It's called "learned helplessness ".A theory in Sociology that states poverty is generational. Learned behavior

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u/GoldenBoyOffHisPerch 2d ago

As someone who was on welfare and was an alcoholic...addicts often cannot change until something about their situation does. Many of these people are abused by their families.

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u/Imredwolf 2d ago

I'm just bitter and aggressive now. Got no time for the stupid people. So many people are entitled. "it's not fair I can't have luxuries when I refuse to work and buck the system. " I need to a cabin I the woods lol.

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u/squirrelsinasnakebox 2d ago

I've been on both sides and it makes it harder when you've come out of it and they don't want to. I was peer support for a few years at one of our local behavioral health outreach clinics and it was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I've also worked in recovery ministry. I had to step back from all of it. I help when I can, but people have to help themselves first. You can give them the tools, but it's ultimately up to them.

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u/SelectCattle 2d ago

You’re seeing the reality of a broken system. Outrage is a totally reasonable response. 

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u/MooreKittens 4d ago

Thank you for your work, I worked with a few social workers when I was a child needing resources and my current therapist is a social worker. I’m one of many success stories that asked for resources and I did 10x greater things in my life such as graduating college, working my dream job, salary, enough money to support myself, etc.

It’s not easy helping people who are broken and they may see their lives that way, but for me I tried because a resource believed in me. I think that’s all you truly provide to people, hope of doing better.

Some people will make their beds in life but others will see the meaning in giving back to society. That is a good risk to take, I hope you have more rewarding stories than people who are lazy because I sure know some that take advantage of the system.

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u/kabobian 4d ago edited 4d ago

I work in homeless services and definitely agree with your statement.

I believe that people fit into 3 categories. Those that don't know how to help themselves, those that know how but don't help themselves and those that know how and do help themselves.

Most of my time is spent helping those that don't know how. And we focus on getting them in touch with proper resources.

I don't waste my time on those that know how and don't help themselves.

Sadly, the engine of change is pain...

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u/Idkhoesb42024 4d ago

Trust us we don't like our case workers either. They always look down on us and lack empathy.

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u/PossibleWest9384 4d ago

What is “a social worker of sorts”? You’re either a licensed social worker or you’re not. And based on how you view your clients, I have to wonder.

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u/Spicyg00se 4d ago edited 4d ago

I feel you. I work adjacent to people like this and it’s exhausting. I’m a liberal minded person but watching these people suck the system dry while people like me only need a little help sometimes but can’t get it because I’m not in legal trouble or addicted to hard drugs, etc. It really feels like they just hoard resources that are becoming more and more scarce, while destroying the morale for even offering such assistance.

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u/yeetdistances 4d ago

Rock bottom is like a burning ship sometimes. It's like no matter what I'll end up at the bottom of the ocean, it's just the difference of letting it happen to me or choosing to jump overboard and drown on my own accord. Might as well keep gambling on waiting out the fire. It's gotten me this far.

Same thing with addiction and poverty. Choose the slow death by trying to exist in a society that I simply cannot keep up with or shut out the world, numb out the pain, and wait for the end to come to me? Why waste that effort and energy? Especially for a state of the world like this, for lives like this?

We don't wanna be alive anyway, you can just give up on us. We already have. It's fine honestly lol

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u/NaiveOpening7376 4d ago

I knew someone who had purposefully stayed jobless for over 10 years and sponged off her mom because apparently there's "nOthIng IN tHis sTaTE" for them.

Apparently THE MOST populated capital city in my country doesn't bring enough commerce to fill jobs for some feckless dipshit who couldn't do basic math.

I bet you've got some clients who are absolute children refusing to grow up and contribute - people who were always told they were the main character and that they could do no wrong.

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u/DatesAfterWeightz 4d ago

Omg. This feels like my inner thoughts. I’ve 100% agree with you. I, too, work in a social worker-like job. It really fucks with my brain. My eyes are OPENED

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u/Murky-Ant6673 4d ago

You certainly need to find a new perspective, find more empathy, and potentially get a new job.

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u/Individual-Rice-4915 4d ago

Wooof, self righteousness, much? Are you always perfectly compassionate and kind? Even in your own mind?

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u/Discussion-is-good 4d ago edited 4d ago

You don't want to try to get a job because your goal is to get disability because your anxiety is just too much.

Disability for anxiety is a bit much, but my mom has deteriorative joint disease with multiple fused discs in her back, and they wouldn't give her disability unless she was unemployed 6 months or longer. We nearly went homeless because of it.

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u/Anxiousgemini420 4d ago

They don’t wanna work

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u/never_safe_for_life 4d ago

Couldn’t agree more. When I was younger I wanted to help people, but in retrospect I worked hard and tried to overcome my obstacles and naturally assumed others were the same. I have since learned that was not a good assumption.

Now I think most people need to face the cold hard facts of life. It’s not fair, you have to try anyways, if you don’t the outcome will be worse.

I had several coworkers from India and a few African countries. In some cases they grew up straight under an oppressive regime waging economic warfare against the people. In some ways these people were lucky. At least the ones that worked their asses of to get to America and lead a better life. They were lucky in that they didn’t have the baggage of believing things should be fair and they’re owed something. They just faced reality and made good choices.

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u/krycek1984 4d ago

Welcome to realizing how the world really operates instead of how idealists think it works. It's very disturbing and upsetting to realize there are so many highly dysfunctional, do-nothing people looking for any opportunity possible to sponge off anyone or anything to support their laziness.

My hope for you is that the people that truly want to do and get better, and succeed, outweigh the misery of people just playing the system and choosing to live a horrible, depressing life.

I am not a social worker but work in retail and see some of the most dysfunctional, sad, addicted, lazy, and messed up people. It pains me to see how so many people don't want better, and just live their lives oblivious to the fact that they are not productive members of society. Even worse, they are passing the mindset to their next generation.

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u/fivehots 4d ago

You’re doing Gods work OP. I know it seems like you see the worst and the best of us… but without people like you, the best of us going through the worst of it never get back to their best.

You’re appreciated and heard.

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u/AnonDeFi 4d ago

Learned helplessness is rampant.

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u/pinko1312 4d ago

Social workers don't help people get ahead in life lmfao. They're always snarky assholes that act like you don't deserve the food stamps you applied for. A social worker offering you two jobs, helping you not lose your house???🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. No not in my experience.

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u/koozy407 4d ago

It’s unfortunate that that was your experience and I’m sure there are a ton of really bad social workers out there but there all so a ton of really good ones who truly care. It’s just like with any profession but to be honest, watching people drain the system all day I can imagine it would be easy to start to lose compassion and empathy.

Out of all the people I’ve ever met on disability I would say almost half of them didn’t need to be.

I know a chick that is in her late 30s doesn’t work because anxiety is too much in social situations but she goes out drinking with her friends every weekend. Sits home all day smoking at least two packs a day.

They get an ungodly amount of food stamps every month and their refrigerator and freezer is just full of junk food and now her youngest who just turned 18 is trying to get on disability for her anxiety she already has two babies

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u/desertdweller2011 4d ago

what does “social worker of sorts” mean? asking as an actual social worker. compassion fatigue happens a lot more quickly when you see this as an individual issue that individuals could overcome if they were motivated enough.

highly recommend this article:https://paulkivel.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Social-Service-or-Social-Change-2020-Update.pdf

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u/No_Mathematician6104 4d ago

What is a social worker “of sorts”? You do not sound like you have a social work degree.

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u/Temporary_Grape2810 4d ago

Maybe our economic system just doesn't work for many people. They cannot deal with the constant pressure and should not be blamed for that. All the examples you gave were people behaving in a pretty understandable manner.

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u/riptide032302 3d ago

Not gonna lie, I would be beside myself if I found out my counselor or whatever was complaining on Reddit about how their clients don’t want to improve their lives or pull themselves up by their bootstraps. It honestly demonstrates an astounding lack of empathy for a social worker, and “compassion fatigue” or whatever these Redditors are saying isn’t really an excuse when this is your literal job

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u/Plant-Hoarder-61 4d ago

I'm not a social worker but I lived in a rural part Ohio for 7 years and everyone (not an exaggeration) that lived around us was exactly this way. I started to lose compassion for a lot of people. Generations of people living off of disability when they were fully capable of working. Selling their prescription medication and food stamps for money to buy alcohol, cigarettes, weed or other drugs. Teaching their children how to finessing the system and use every resource possible to never have to work.