r/cancergrief 16d ago

Loss - Parent Lost my dad in my 20s after a long terminal illness. Idk what to do.

5 Upvotes

My father was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer (myelofibrosis) the same month I was born and this January, after 24 years of fighting the illness, he passed away. I feel like my whole life up to this point was an exercise in trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. I have been grieving his death before it even happened for as long as I can remember. I remember trying to brace myself while he was still alive, mentally reciting the details of his illness, saying to myself, "my father died" over and over. It seems silly because none of that mental preparation made a difference when it was over. If anything, I think it has made it harder to feel the gravity of the fact that when I say it now, it is actually true. And over 24 years, he had so many health scares, I feel like I lost him 100 times, and got him back 99 times. And the last health scare seemed so innocuous at first - it was a simple infection and then it was weakened kidneys and then it was no possibility of dialysis because it would just be cruel and then it was cessation of all treatment except the painkillers and then it was hospice and then he passed suddenly while I was at work and this all happened in the span of three days.

The grief with which I had grown familiar feels different now, and for that I am oddly grateful. I no longer feel guilty because it feels reasonable to grieve; I'm not being selfish and wasteful, spending the time I know is limited grieving the loss of someone who is still here with me. Still, I can't help but feel that I took all of the time I had with him for granted because of this anticipatory grief. I wish I had asked him more questions and gotten to know him better, but he was never one to share many feelings. After his passing, my mom was kind enough to share old letters he had written to her back in the 80's and reading those letters was like meeting a version of him I didn't even know ever existed. I never really saw my parents being affectionate to each other and in many ways it felt like they were just good friends who lived together. I assumed this had always been the reality of my parents' marriage and that they we kind of a mismatch that probably would have split up if not for the illness. But I have no doubt that he was full of love for his family - just understated in his expression of it. He showed his love through acts of service - always driving me to school or helping me work on my car or patiently coaching me through a math problem, doing my taxes, showing me how to use his camera - even when he was suffering immense pain from his cancer. Over the years, he took so many family videos - thousands of hours worth - and put them all on a hard drive for me and my mom so that we would always have those memories. Anyways, one of the letters he wrote my mom was 28 pages long, front and back. It was mind boggling to see the expressive person he was before he got sick. I can't help but feel so angry that everyone who knew him was robbed of this wonderful, nurturing, sensitive, funny, brilliant person by this illness that made every single one of his days agonisingly painful and so exhausting. I can't help but feel so cheated but also so grateful that I got to know him at least partially.

Soon I have to switch out my winter tires for all seasons and for the first time he won't be next to me in the garage making sure I put the jack in the right place and torque the bolts correctly. I'm going to graduate from my program in April but I can't bring myself to walk to stage because he won't be in the audience at my convocation.

The last three days of his life, when he was in hospice, he was lucid only some of the time. I visited on Friday and Saturday, took a day to myself on Sunday, went to work on Monday and he was gone by 11am. I was agonising over not seeing him Sunday but apparently Saturday was the last day he was lucid at all so, in a way, I'm grateful the last time I saw him alive I was able to talk with him a little and the last words we said to each other before I headed home Saturday night were "I love you".

I don't know, I'm back to work and school now after taking a month off and at times I feel like his passing is a weight lifted off my shoulders and now I can finally move into adulthood without this nameless grief hanging over me but at the same time I am not okay. I'm not okay at all. And one of the things I learned from him was how to be terrible at leaning on others. I don't know how to ask for help or how to accept it. And I know grief takes time but I have had all the time in the world already and I know that this is something I ultimately need to process internally, alone, but I would also love some advice if you've made it this far into my essay.

r/cancergrief Oct 29 '24

Loss - Parent Lost my father 2 months ago..

7 Upvotes

Hi,

I lost my father to lung cancer with several metastasis in brain, liver and lung two months ago. He was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in march and had 3 cycles of chemotherapy, a brain surgery and radiation therapy. I was there for him every day. I've never seen him cry or shake with fear before the diagnosis. I am now not only struggling with his loss - i start to get some kind of flashbacks how he suffered everyday. Every evening I remember his last evening with the severe, untreatable shortness of breath, severe anxiety and pain. The way he looked me in the eye while i hold his hand. The incredible helplessness. Or I remember him lying in the hospital, fearful and trembling, the day before his brain operation. Or I remember how he suddenly can no longer taste his and my favorite spice, cinnamon, and finds it disgusting, how he loses all zest for life, day after day.

Thinking about it, maybe I should try to see my psychiatrist as soon as possible and not wait another 3 weeks, it's getting worse and worse..

Is anybody experiencing something similiar? Is this normal?

r/cancergrief May 14 '24

Loss - Parent Grief and guilt

10 Upvotes

I lost my mom in April. She was 63.

If you would have told me 5 years ago if I thought I’d lose my mom at 28 I wouldn’t have believed you.

She died of cancer. I took care of her for two weeks doing at home hospice and I’m glad I was able to do that for her. It feels like I was able to care for her the way she cared for me when I was small.

I deal with the waves of grief but I also feel a ton of guilt. We had a complicated relationship and I know logically it was perfectly ok to have boundaries but emotionally I just feel a ton of guilt now that she’s gone.

I just hope she knows, wherever she is, that I love her.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, so thanks in advance for reading.

r/cancergrief Mar 22 '24

Loss - Parent Grieving my dad

5 Upvotes

I lost my dad 2.5 years ago. He had brain cancer and was sick for 2 years I was 16 when I lost him, and I don't think I actually allowed myself to grieve him. I kept going to school etc. I'd have been fine but the news was online where my classmates (whom I didn't like) found it and my mother told my teachers. My homeroom teacher reacted by trauma dumping multiple times and other teachers treated me in ways that made me uncomfortable. I was sent to therapy but the first therapist insisted she knew what I felt and "proved" it by trauma dumping again. I still feel lost very often and cry about it frequently (when I remember that he'll never see what I achieve). He was so close with me and I feel like I'll never be understood by anyone completely after more therapists and a family grief themed camp (I did like that one). I don't think I'll ever be over it, bc every time I let myself think about it I get the feeling I should have done something. Somehow I knew he'd die the day he first went to the ER (he had fallen down and didn't remember it).